I'm a hearie

[jupitersnymph]

Long story short, my boyfriend's only child passed away a month ago. He is deaf. His family refused to let me get an interpreter for the funeral, they didn't want a "stranger" "in his face." My boyfriend's name is John. He wasn't in any state to argue with them about it, he honestly didn't care at all at that point. It is a messed up situation but I recorded the service for him so I could get it interpreted later. Now I have the recording of the service but no idea where to get it interpreted. Is there any way I can do this online and get a video interpretation? Or would I just need to contact an interpreter in person and record it myself? Also, are there any good websites for ASL grief poetry? I am having a hard time finding anything.

 

[Bottesini]

Why don't you just transcribe it in written form it you can hear?

 

[Bebonang]

Yeah, good idea, Botts. This is the way to do that for the deaf to read the transcript what you hear from the recording (it will take a lot of paintaking time to listen to the recording, so I know you will have to repeat some of them over to make sure you got them all down). I am very sorry that your boyfriend's child had passed away.

If you are deaf too, then you need someone to transcribe the recording for him. I hope that help. You and your boyfriend can read together.

 

[ncff07]

That idea would work but to me it just wouldnt be the same as understanding what was said AT the service. As in a hearing person being able to hear the eulogy being spoken as it was said. They should have allowed a terp to be there in my opinion.

 

[Anij]

The most important question really is - does your boyfriend WANT it interpreted or even transcribed at all ??


I'm a theology/seminary student (currently on medical leave) and the process of losing a loved one is something that we deal with both formally (in an educational setting) and experientially (by working in and leading various aspects of church life etc including walking with families through the death of a loved one). In addition I've lost MANY family and friends in my life including all my grandparents, my aunt, a few close friends etc.

One thing that is very very important to understand, and accept fully is:
Everyone mourns in their own way, everyone "needs" different things ... and unless he is absolutely wanting to re-live his child's funeral all over again by watching the interpreter or reading the transcription ... I honestly would just leave the recording be in a safe place somewhere and help your boyfriend move forward through this tragic event instead of pulling him back to the days immediately surrounding the funeral and death.

Just my humble opinion

 

[jupitersnymph]

I see your point

I honestly understand where you are coming from but my boyfriend took a camcorder into the funeral home and taped himself and his boy and the room and watches it from time to time. I think the issue is that he doesn't understand what kind of peace a service might give him, because he's never experienced a funeral with an interpreter.
Also, I feel stupid for not mentioning that he doesn't read or write. But I actually called around to a few interpreting sites and found one in Texas that will mail me a DVD back. And yes my boyfriend does know about what I am trying to do for him. I think if he starts watching it and doesn't like it, it will be his choice to put in up in a safe place. I want him to know what they were saying about his son. It was a really nice service.

 

[rockdrummer]

I honestly understand where you are coming from but my boyfriend took a camcorder into the funeral home and taped himself and his boy and the room and watches it from time to time. I think the issue is that he doesn't understand what kind of peace a service might give him, because he's never experienced a funeral with an interpreter.
Also, I feel stupid for not mentioning that he doesn't read or write. But I actually called around to a few interpreting sites and found one in Texas that will mail me a DVD back. And yes my boyfriend does know about what I am trying to do for him. I think if he starts watching it and doesn't like it, it will be his choice to put in up in a safe place. I want him to know what they were saying about his son. It was a really nice service.

What is his mode of communication? Does he use ASL?

 

[Sapphire Moon]

I am not trying to cause any friction but my boyfriend is Deaf, God forbid it but if he were to have a child and the child passed away, I would INSIST that he have in interpreter, it was HIS child and he has EVER right to know what is being said about HIS son, PERIOD. I am so sorry that this has happened and is such a painful thing to have to endure, I can only imagine...

I think translating an easy song from English, maybe wind beneath my wings or something of that nature would be appropriate. Please keep us all posted on the outcome, my you and his family be blessed.

 

[jillio]

I am not trying to cause any friction but my boyfriend is Deaf, God forbid it but if he were to have a child and the child passed away, I would INSIST that he have in interpreter, it was HIS child and he has EVER right to know what is being said about HIS son, PERIOD. I am so sorry that this has happened and is such a painful thing to have to endure, I can only imagine...

I think translating an easy song from English, maybe wind beneath my wings or something of that nature would be appropriate. Please keep us all posted on the outcome, my you and his family be blessed.

Perhaps you should allow your boyfriend to decide exactly how he wants to handle the situation. No offense, but you are really being a bit patronizing in insisting what it is he needs. You only know what you would want in the same situation. Allow your boyfriend to make those decisions for himself, as well. He is only deaf, he is not incapaciated.

 

[Anij]

Perhaps you should allow your boyfriend to decide exactly how he wants to handle the situation. No offence, but you are really being a bit patronizing in insisting what it is he needs. You only know what you would want in the same situation. Allow your boyfriend to make those decisions for himself, as well. He is only deaf, he is not incapacitated.

I agree - jillio

Sapphire Moon, your boyfriend is (I'm assuming) an adult, and responsible for making his own choices about interpreters and what is "appropriate" for his life.

I do think that you should SUPPORT him, by validating the need for an interpreter if he wants one (and someone else is giving him trouble about it for some insane reason)... however the moment you decide that YOU are more capable etc to decide what is right for another person, you move the relationship from equal to unbalanced (as if one is the parent & the other child).

It's one thing to help someone who ASKS for help - it's a very different thing to INFLICT help upon someone regardless of their wishes.

Hoh and d/Deaf people are just as capable to making choices as hearing people ... to imply anything different is almost certainly the beginning of the end of a healthy relationship.

 

[Reba]

The hearing family has no understanding of what it's like to have an interpreter at a funeral.

I've interpreted funerals, and I've attended funerals where other people did the interpreting. It was always much appreciated by the deaf and hearing attendees. No one (as far as I know) complained about the presence of interpreters. Most of the hearing family members were grateful that they could attend to their own mourning and not have to repeat things or constantly keep track of the deaf participants. The hearing family members usually come up to me afterward and thank me for being there.

One of the funerals in which I participated was for a young child of a deaf adult. I knew the family, and it was heart wrenching. But everyone was very glad that interpreters were present. It was comforting to the parent to be included in everything.

Interpreters at funerals aren't "in your face", and they know how to be discreet in sensitive situations. Prior to the service, I find out where the deaf participant/s would like me positioned (standing, seated, or combined), and keep the signing sized according to the setting and number of deaf in attendance.

I've interpreted the pre-funeral family gathering and prayer time, the funeral/memorial service, the graveside service, and the reception. Especially at the graveside it's helpful to the deaf to at least know the logistics of what's going on.

 

[Reba]

Long story short, my boyfriend's only child passed away a month ago. He is deaf. His family refused to let me get an interpreter for the funeral, they didn't want a "stranger" "in his face." My boyfriend's name is John. He wasn't in any state to argue with them about it, he honestly didn't care at all at that point. It is a messed up situation but I recorded the service for him so I could get it interpreted later. Now I have the recording of the service but no idea where to get it interpreted. Is there any way I can do this online and get a video interpretation? Or would I just need to contact an interpreter in person and record it myself? Also, are there any good websites for ASL grief poetry? I am having a hard time finding anything.

Was it his family that objected to an interpreter, or the family of the child's mother? You didn't mention the mother of the family, so I was wondering if it could have been that she didn't want her baby's daddy's girlfriend to be involved in the funeral arrangements?

Is your boyfriend comfortable with using terps for other situations?

I agree that you shouldn't "force" a copy of the services on your boyfriend but you can keep a copy of the service for when and if he wants to view it later.

People grieve differently. Some people can't bear to visit the grave of a loved one, while others find comfort in frequently visiting the grave and tending to it with fresh flowers and memorial items. You'll have to observe your boyfriend to know his preferences, and then respect them.

 

[jupitersnymph]

He uses ASL to communicate most of the time. He graduated from high school with the help of interpreters but since then his family has interpreted for him for court, doctors visits, etc. His family is convinced that he doesn't know "sign language from a book"-- because none of them bothered to learn it and he can communicate with them. I learned entirely online and from a book and we communicate just fine. His family underestimates him. But in their defense, he lets them do it.
I would have fought tooth and nail for him to have one if he insisted on it, but like I said, he was distraught. And if I had taken it upon myself to push for one they would have not let me attend the services. I didn't want him to be alone for that. The first viewing day, he had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital via ambulance.
His son was 19 and the mother is a drug-addict, enough said really. I am surprised she showed up at the funeral. It was my boyfriend's family that made all of the arrangements and they are the ones that insisted an interpreter would do more harm than good. They said he'd be too upset the day of, that he wouldn't pay attention, etc. That I hadn't been around long enough to understand the way their family works (we'd been together 9 months.)

 

[Reba]

He uses ASL to communicate most of the time. He graduated from high school with the help of interpreters but since then his family has interpreted for him for court, doctors visits, etc....

That's illegal.

 

[DDU]

Jupiter. From what you have said it makes sense to have a tape of a terp dvd. You said your bf looks at the video of the service so having an asl terp dvd would open up a new understanding for him
I applaud you in your effort to do this for your bf. I was thinking you can get your bf's tape edited to put a terp in a corner window? I think it is possible.
Keep us updated on this.

 

[jupitersnymph]

That's illegal.

If he never pushes for an interpreter, who is going to? Certainly not the hospital or court. He's been in court multiple times, even been sued, and they never raised the issue. He has been taken care of his whole life. If he wanted to be more independent then he would be, that's all that can be said about it. I am not sure he even understands his rights. I know for a fact they lie to him about the most random things because it's easier to lie than effectively explain it to him. It's really frustrating. I am not trying to make waves, he needs to be around his family right now, despite them being controlling and close-minded. I have bitten my tongue nearly in two these past months so I wouldn't start arguments that would go nowhere.

I am trying to broaden his horizons. He has never been part of the Deaf community, I think because he isn't completely comfortable with ASL. I am showing him videos I've found online of short films, prayers, etc. interpreted. I think he is getting more interested in it. I always wonder what he gets out of movies. He doesn't read well enough to bother with subtitles, I explain the basics but mostly he gets aggravated when I pause it lol.

 

[jupitersnymph]

People grieve differently. Some people can't bear to visit the grave of a loved one, while others find comfort in frequently visiting the grave and tending to it with fresh flowers and memorial items. You'll have to observe your boyfriend to know his preferences, and then respect them.

I am sensitive to his preferences but I don't always respect them. Sometimes we sit a cry and talk for two hours. But sometimes he works himself up so much that he can't breathe and I have to kick him in the butt so he will take an ativan to relax. I will not let him get to the point to where he needs an ambulance again because he wants to wallow. Sometimes I need to push him to get out of the house, even if it's to rent movies. It's healthy to let it out so I am about to vent..
I understand that it never leaves his mind. That it hits him hard, unexpectedly. But I also understand that thinking like that is counter-productive. I do my best to help him. I'm not a professional. And sometimes he resents me for trying to keep him busy. But he needs to go to work. To see his grandson (3 years old) and his family. To get his mind off his boy. To smile. To live, even if he doesn't feel like it. I give him time to grieve, I give him space. But a few times a week I push him to find something to do besides sit looking at pictures.
And no, he doesn't like going to the cemetary. Johnny's mom keeps it clean and has decorated it. It's beautiful. She left town for a few weeks and asked him to keep it clean, but after the first day I just went while he was at work because I didn't want him to have to go back. We go when his grandson goes there and I think that's the only time he's not overwhelmed.
It drives me crazy when people tell me how he is going to act and feel. They are so rarely right and it's always a negative prediction. I will never, ever, tell someone, "It will only get harder from here," "He'll never be the same person." What is the point in that? Of course it's true, but how is it helpful in any way? I deal in reality but I also believe that he will find peace in his own time.

 

[Reba]

If he never pushes for an interpreter, who is going to? Certainly not the hospital or court. He's been in court multiple times, even been sued, and they never raised the issue. He has been taken care of his whole life. If he wanted to be more independent then he would be, that's all that can be said about it. I am not sure he even understands his rights. I know for a fact they lie to him about the most random things because it's easier to lie than effectively explain it to him. It's really frustrating. I am not trying to make waves, he needs to be around his family right now, despite them being controlling and close-minded. I have bitten my tongue nearly in two these past months so I wouldn't start arguments that would go nowhere.

I am trying to broaden his horizons. He has never been part of the Deaf community, I think because he isn't completely comfortable with ASL. I am showing him videos I've found online of short films, prayers, etc. interpreted. I think he is getting more interested in it. I always wonder what he gets out of movies. He doesn't read well enough to bother with subtitles, I explain the basics but mostly he gets aggravated when I pause it lol.

Even if he doesn't know his rights, the courts do, and what they did was illegal. Also, the doctors breached ethics and set themselves up for malpractice when they allowed family members to interpret medical appointments for someone other than a minor child.

Even if he has been "taken care of" (which is paternalistic) all his life, that really isn't the case now that he's an adult. Now, he's being taken advantage of, not taken care of.

He probably does need an advocate but he needs to want one for himself. It has to be his decision. If and when he decides to use an advocate, it should be a professional one, not a girlfriend. If he asks you to contact an advocate for him, that's fine. Once the contact is made, then that person or agency can work with him directly.

Are you sure that you're his girlfriend (romantic relationship of two equals) and not his savior (rescuer of the weak and helpless)?

I'm sure that you mean well but you must be careful of your role in the relationship.

 

[Reba]

He uses ASL to communicate most of the time. He graduated from high school with the help of interpreters....

How old is he? What year did he graduate from high school?

Just to be clear: professional public school interpreters don't "help" students graduate; they facilitate communication between the deaf student and others at the school.

 

[Adamsmomma]

Even if he doesn't know his rights, the courts do, and what they did was illegal. Also, the doctors breached ethics and set themselves up for malpractice when they allowed family members to interpret medical appointments for someone other than a minor child.

.

When I worked in a physicians office we had to have a CERTIFIED MEDICAL Translator- regardless of the language-- ASL, Spanish, Japanese... even though we had a native Spanish speaker in our office, she wasn't trained in dealing w/the medical aspect of the language--so to be sure the patients got the information correctly-- we always had to have a 'terp... same was true for ASL (one of the Audiologists was trained in ASL but we couldn't just 'use her'....)

I am willing to assume it's the same in a legal situation-- due to the jargon that's used-- in order to ensure correct translation-- AS WELL AS AN UNBIASED translation-- a third party should be used.

I'm shocked that the physicians and judges/attorneys allowed this...