I feel like I've been cheated. (bad language)

[DeafBadger]

I feel like I've been cheated.

I said that to myself today.

I've tried not to say that to myself. Because I want to believe that others don't cheat you, you cheat yourself. That way your destiny is in your hands, right? You can think your way out of any problem, and overcome anything, right? I don't want to think of myself as a victim. I'm not a victim, I overcome. I always overcome, right? Again and again and again, right? Even though I have nothing to show for it.

But, no. I feel cheated. And today, I believe it completely. I was cheated.

I don't know what strange circumstances of fate conspired to leave me a deaf person at birth, to grow up in an oral-only program, to hack it through junior and high school as the only deaf person I knew, and to try four times for college and fail because I couldn't hear in the classes. To have clueless parents who couldn't figure out the plentiful clues that I needed more help. To have few hearing friends who have any clue what it is like being deaf, and I doubt that even know they have any idea.

To push for one last try at college with a remote Cprint system that is so crappy and poorly done that it doesn't make sense most of the time. And the college doesn't want to pay extra to hire Cprint services from NTID. Teachers that are mostly uninterested in what you're dealing with in class, that you can't hear. Teachers that insult you by giving their lecture by sitting on a desk between you and the rest of the class because "they thought the remote cprint captured their lecture for you." You have to fight for every single inch of accommodation. You have to fight just to be treated normally and with respect like everyone else. Isn't that wild?

I'm struggling in my classes right now. I reached the limit of what I personally know from my own reading last semester. Now we are going into technical territory that is new for me. I can't rely on what I know anymore. Now I have to rely on lipreading and remote Cprint. Guess what, it's not working. I'm having a hell of a time. And it's pissing me off.

I'm angry at myself. I'm a smart guy, I shouldn't have this much trouble, right? I got through half my program, barely. I should be able to get through the second half, right? Why isn't it working now?

I look at myself in the mirror. Dumbass. Stupid fucking dumbass. Worthless piece of shit. Can't even hack this.

Everybody's looking at me. My parents. My sister. My aunts and uncles. My cousins. My grandma. Friends. I feel like everybody is watching me fail in slow motion. I'm going to faceplant into the pavement and fuck up my face. And while I'm down there, I'm going to slam my face into the pavement again and again and again until I can't feel anything anymore.

I don't want to feel anymore. I'm so fucking tired of this.

I'm angry and I don't want to feel that way. That's not the real me. But I feel frustrated and trapped. I feel cheated.

 

[ambrosia]

Well I hope getting that all out was cathartic at least! Sometimes it helps to vent a bit, get it all out.

I can't really relate to the whole going through school hoh thing. I did do college after my hearing loss but at that point it wasn't severe enough to be a huge issue except for one teacher who was African, his accent was just tooo much, but I think everybody had a hard time with him. He used power point because of it, I started printing my own off the website and jotting notes of anything I might actually catch.

But I can relate to moments of extreme frustration and shaking my fist fate, I think we all can. Just keep swimming keep swimming.

I'm sure someone will show up with more advice about accomadations that might work better for you. Do you know enough sign that an interpreter would be helpful? I'm pretty sure I've read that you've been learning right?

 

[DeafBadger]

Ach, I've been trying to learn sign language, but I have no time. Full time student in college and I barely know any sign language. Who am I kidding? I need a proper ASL course. There are none around here.

Part of my frustration is that I am learning more and more about how things could have been different. I could have gone to a deaf school and learn sign, or gone to RIT after high school, if only I had known about these things. I didn't even know it was an option. I didn't even know of RIT/NTID until last year, when I was already in my college program.

It's frustrating, because I'm 35 and I'm screwing around with this stuff. I feel like a real dumbass for not figuring out my options until now.

I feel cheated, and I feel like I'm the one who cheated myself the worst.

 

[Jane B.]

I feel like I've been cheated.

To push for one last try at college with a remote Cprint system that is so crappy and poorly done that it doesn't make sense most of the time. And the college doesn't want to pay extra to hire Cprint services from NTID. Teachers that are mostly uninterested in what you're dealing with in class, that you can't hear. Teachers that insult you by giving their lecture by sitting on a desk between you and the rest of the class because "they thought the remote cprint captured their lecture for you." You have to fight for every single inch of accommodation. You have to fight just to be treated normally and with respect like everyone else. Isn't that wild?

I have only left part of your previous post on as a quote and added bold to what got me thinking. I have no idea if my idea would be helpful as I have never used Cprint. But . . . I think I have read where you can print out what you are getting from the Cprint service. So, would it possibly help to do a printout to take to that instructor to show just what you do get to compare with what is actually said?

 

[ChandaMija]

Ach, I've been trying to learn sign language, but I have no time. Full time student in college and I barely know any sign language. Who am I kidding? I need a proper ASL course. There are none around here.

Part of my frustration is that I am learning more and more about how things could have been different. I could have gone to a deaf school and learn sign, or gone to RIT after high school, if only I had known about these things. I didn't even know it was an option. I didn't even know of RIT/NTID until last year, when I was already in my college program.

It's frustrating, because I'm 35 and I'm screwing around with this stuff. I feel like a real dumbass for not figuring out my options until now.

I feel cheated, and I feel like I'm the one who cheated myself the worst.

Want some of my coffee? ... (NO PUN INTENDED, it's just that nothing I say will help. Is all) Coffee is quite comforting on some days like this.

 

[DeafBadger]

I have only left part of your previous post on as a quote and added bold to what got me thinking. I have no idea if my idea would be helpful as I have never used Cprint. But . . . I think I have read where you can print out what you are getting from the Cprint service. So, would it possibly help to do a printout to take to that instructor to show just what you do get to compare with what is actually said?

I have shown my instructors what I'm getting in class. They don't want to take responsibility for it. Remote-Cprint is the responsibility of the Disabilities office, and they will not pay more for a better service.

 

[Jane B.]

I have shown my instructors what I'm getting in class. They don't want to take responsibility for it. Remote-Cprint is the responsibility of the Disabilities office, and they will not pay more for a better service.

Have you checked out the quality of services at other colleges? Your credits might transfer to someplace that is a better fit. Also, is there any additional help through any state agencies? The worst answer you can get is no and even if that is the case you are not worse off than you started and you might be surprised at what you can find.

 

[ambrosia]

Ach, I've been trying to learn sign language, but I have no time. Full time student in college and I barely know any sign language. Who am I kidding? I need a proper ASL course. There are none around here.

Part of my frustration is that I am learning more and more about how things could have been different. I could have gone to a deaf school and learn sign, or gone to RIT after high school, if only I had known about these things. I didn't even know it was an option. I didn't even know of RIT/NTID until last year, when I was already in my college program.

It's frustrating, because I'm 35 and I'm screwing around with this stuff. I feel like a real dumbass for not figuring out my options until now.

I feel cheated, and I feel like I'm the one who cheated myself the worst.

That is totally understandable!!! but looking back and thinking "what if" doesn't help, I do that crap to myself all the time. But, you are learning about your options, and that's what matters, so it's not too late!! It's never too late. Okay that might not be entirely accurate.....but is it possible to pull out of the college program you're in now? Look at your options, regroup, replan?

I saw something on facebook that I need to drill into my head. I have a tendency to do exactly what it says not to. Dwell on something and give it power over me.

 

[DeafBadger]

Have you checked out the quality of services at other colleges? Your credits might transfer to someplace that is a better fit. Also, is there any additional help through any state agencies? The worst answer you can get is no and even if that is the case you are not worse off than you started and you might be surprised at what you can find.

I'm thinking about NTID.

I was going to check into it last summer, but friends and family said that I should finish my program here first. I shouldn't have listened to them. I should have gone right away to NTID and damn the torpedoes. :roll:

Ironically, my state's VR has no money right now. I'm paying for this semester out of pocket. I will not get any help for NTID.

 

[DeafBadger]

That is totally understandable!!! but looking back and thinking "what if" doesn't help, I do that crap to myself all the time. But, you are learning about your options, and that's what matters, so it's not too late!! It's never too late. Okay that might not be entirely accurate.....but is it possible to pull out of the college program you're in now? Look at your options, regroup, replan?

I saw something on facebook that I need to drill into my head. I have a tendency to do exactly what it says not to. Dwell on something and give it power over me.

I'm usually pretty good about not dwelling on things, but it's just really clear this current set up is just not working like it should.

 

[Reba]

Please don't beat up yourself so much. It's obvious that you've been trying hard. I've worked in colleges with deaf students and with the disabilities office, so I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly there. When you're stuck with insensitive, clueless instructors, you're really stuck. As a professional interpreter, I had one instructor tell me that I wasn't allowed to stand on the platform with him. He said I could sit on the corner of his desk and interpret from there. Yeah, like some middle-aged saloon girl swinging her legs in the air. Nope. I told him I don't sit on desks, and that we would have make other arrangements. He was a jerk to everyone but showed no understanding at all for students who needed accommodations. Believe me, college degrees don't make professors smart. (I'm sure you already knew that.)

Anyway, it's not all you. Support services can make or break your educational experience.

I don't know your major, how far along you are in your program, or what your college offers, so what I'm going to suggest might not apply to your situation. Have you considered taking on-line courses for your degree?

 

[Lau2046]

Please don't beat up yourself so much. It's obvious that you've been trying hard. I've worked in colleges with deaf students and with the disabilities office, so I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly there. When you're stuck with insensitive, clueless instructors, you're really stuck. As a professional interpreter, I had one instructor tell me that I wasn't allowed to stand on the platform with him. He said I could sit on the corner of his desk and interpret from there. Yeah, like some middle-aged saloon girl swinging her legs in the air. Nope. I told him I don't sit on desks, and that we would have make other arrangements. He was a jerk to everyone but showed no understanding at all for students who needed accommodations. Believe me, college degrees don't make professors smart. (I'm sure you already knew that.)

Anyway, it's not all you. Support services can make or break your educational experience.

I don't know your major, how far along you are in your program, or what your college offers, so what I'm going to suggest might not apply to your situation. Have you considered taking on-line courses for your degree?

Very true. I've had to hire an LD Lawyer twice - at the under grad and graduate level just to get the accommodations entitled to me under the law. I had a linguistics teacher once tell me (and the LD department head) that if I was capable of speaking this good, I'm expected to hear what the others in class hear too if I expected to pass her course. I faced several professors that didn't want me in their class and challenged me each for minor accommodations. My first day in college, I had to listen to the English department head tell me why I "couldn't cut it" and would be wasting my time to even try to pursue a college degree. Getting an education is a daily fight, especially in my state so influenced by John Silber, who once said "A learning disability is a politically correct term for what used be called stupidity."

DeafBadger, you've paid for the right to sit in that chair - make them just as miserable as they make you. Keep showing up until they give you the accommodations you need and pass despite their apathy.

Laura

 

[BecLak]

Wirelessly posted

I know how you feel, I was where you are now 3+ years ago. I was 45. Be assured, it's not too late to start over with your own choices that benefit you. It can be done. You can do it. It just takes the first step in the right direction.

 

[CSign]

Very true. I've had to hire an LD Lawyer twice - at the under grad and graduate level just to get the accommodations entitled to me under the law. I had a linguistics teacher once tell me (and the LD department head) that if I was capable of speaking this good, I'm expected to hear what the others in class hear too if I expected to pass her course. I faced several professors that didn't want me in their class and challenged me each for minor accommodations. My first day in college, I had to listen to the English department head tell me why I "couldn't cut it" and would be wasting my time to even try to pursue a college degree. Getting an education is a daily fight, especially in my state so influenced by John Silber, who once said "A learning disability is a politically correct term for what used be called stupidity."

DeafBadger, you've paid for the right to sit in that chair - make them just as miserable as they make you. Keep showing up until they give you the accommodations you need and pass despite their apathy.

Laura

Good post Laura. I especially agree with your last paragraph.

DeafBadger- I'm sorry you're having a difficult time right now. I hope that your school will pay attention to your unique needs and provide you with appropriate support. Things will fall into place hopefully sooner than later, and you will get back to feeling positive about things. Try not to beat yourself up about it... I hope you find some peace and resolution with this soon...

 

[DeafBadger]

Please don't beat up yourself so much. It's obvious that you've been trying hard. I've worked in colleges with deaf students and with the disabilities office, so I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly there. When you're stuck with insensitive, clueless instructors, you're really stuck. As a professional interpreter, I had one instructor tell me that I wasn't allowed to stand on the platform with him. He said I could sit on the corner of his desk and interpret from there. Yeah, like some middle-aged saloon girl swinging her legs in the air. Nope. I told him I don't sit on desks, and that we would have make other arrangements. He was a jerk to everyone but showed no understanding at all for students who needed accommodations. Believe me, college degrees don't make professors smart. (I'm sure you already knew that.)

Anyway, it's not all you. Support services can make or break your educational experience.

I don't know your major, how far along you are in your program, or what your college offers, so what I'm going to suggest might not apply to your situation. Have you considered taking on-line courses for your degree?

Sounds like you've dealt with your share of idiocy in college institutions, too!

I've completed 1/2 of a two year degree. I'm working on 5 courses now, with 5 more courses remaining to complete the degree. I was hope to move to a new city this Fall and take my classes online, but it turns out that my college does not guarantee that online classes will be offered. If they have enough students enrolled in the course, they will offer it, but if not enough students are enrolled, it will be dropped.

My courses this Fall have barely 5 students. My teachers say this is because they are losing students to the oil boom jobs in my state. There is no chance these courses would be offered online -- not enough students.

However, I know a few people in the field already (Internet Technology) and they are telling me that hardly anyone they work with in that field, from entry level to manager, has a degree for that. In my current city, employers want to see a degree for IT, but I'm told that out of state, this is not typical. A friend of mine is telling me to move to Wyoming for an IT job there. I'm really tempted to take him up on that. I'd be earning more money than I have before; plus Boulder, CO is south of there.

I have to remind myself the whole point of the whole exercise is to get started in IT, not to get the paper. The paper is just assumed to help me get the IT job. If that paper isn't really needed.... then what am I doing here?

 

[Smithtr]

I'm thinking about NTID.

I was going to check into it last summer, but friends and family said that I should finish my program here first. I shouldn't have listened to them. I should have gone right away to NTID and damn the torpedoes. :roll:

Ironically, my state's VR has no money right now. I'm paying for this semester out of pocket. I will not get any help for NTID.

do you have financing budget to College? pay to NTID,

Credit on make sure increase your NTID?? who pay or you pay!!

how long NTID college? how long you finish almost to Graduation purpose, if suppose your finish!

 

[DeafBadger]

do you have financing budget to College? pay to NTID,

Credit on make sure increase your NTID?? who pay or you pay!!

how long NTID college? how long you finish almost to Graduation purpose, if suppose your finish!

I don't know. It depends on what credits NTID will accept from my current college. They might not accept any of them. A local deaf fellow wanted to go to RIT/NTID, but they would not accept his credits, so he ended up going to a four-year university in my state. Of course, he knows sign language and has an interpreter. It seems like the interpretive services are really good, even at my college, but I don't know sign language.

I would more than likely pay my own way at NTID, because, my state's VR ran out of money. Probably all the new people that came into the state for the oil boom jobs. Ran the coffers dry fast.

 

[Smithtr]

I don't know. It depends on what credits NTID will accept from my current college. They might not accept any of them. A local deaf fellow wanted to go to RIT/NTID, but they would not accept his credits, so he ended up going to a four-year university in my state. Of course, he knows sign language and has an interpreter. It seems like the interpretive services are really good, even at my college, but I don't know sign language.

I would more than likely pay my own way at NTID, because, my state's VR ran out of money. Probably all the new people that came into the state for the oil boom jobs. Ran the coffers dry fast.

wow that is pretty difficult! pretty

terp interpreter professional, should more explain to clear to sign language help you! sign language missing!!! Lots of problem on sign language! you don't know how sign language, should be more ask to more anaylzed study on interpreter terp help explain understand.. it is rough!

 

[Reba]

Sounds like you've dealt with your share of idiocy in college institutions, too!

I've completed 1/2 of a two year degree. I'm working on 5 courses now, with 5 more courses remaining to complete the degree. I was hope to move to a new city this Fall and take my classes online, but it turns out that my college does not guarantee that online classes will be offered. If they have enough students enrolled in the course, they will offer it, but if not enough students are enrolled, it will be dropped.

My courses this Fall have barely 5 students. My teachers say this is because they are losing students to the oil boom jobs in my state. There is no chance these courses would be offered online -- not enough students.

However, I know a few people in the field already (Internet Technology) and they are telling me that hardly anyone they work with in that field, from entry level to manager, has a degree for that. In my current city, employers want to see a degree for IT, but I'm told that out of state, this is not typical. A friend of mine is telling me to move to Wyoming for an IT job there. I'm really tempted to take him up on that. I'd be earning more money than I have before; plus Boulder, CO is south of there.

I have to remind myself the whole point of the whole exercise is to get started in IT, not to get the paper. The paper is just assumed to help me get the IT job. If that paper isn't really needed.... then what am I doing here?

There are some tech colleges that offer on-line degrees no matter where you live. You just have to be careful which one you pick, to be sure that it's got a good reputation.

I'm also getting a two-year IT degree. I'm taking every one of my classes on-line. At my college, the problem isn't not enough students enrolled for each on-line class; the problem is too many! They often add more sections as the classes fill up. They fill up fast. In the IT major, depending on the specialized track you take, there are only a few that require in-person classes. (That is not my track.) Even those usually aren't a lot of lecture, and include a lot of one-on-one assistance. On-line students also have the option of in-person meetings with the instructors if they need help. Students are also encouraged to help each other thru discussion boards.

Our school is mostly local students but we also have students enrolled on-line from out of town. Because local residents get cheaper tuition, mostly SC residents enroll. One of my classmates last semester took his classes while serving in the Marines in Afghanistan. I think that might be the furthest one away.

Some jobs really don't require degrees to accomplish the work. Unfortuneately, some companies blindly believe that everyone on board must have a degree, just to say that they do. One company where my daughter used to work required a degree for advancement. Ironically, my daughter, who didn't have a degree, trained the new people who were hired for the advance positions. She always had better sales and more clients but she didn't have the paper for advancement. That seems to be the trend now--must have a degree, even if it's not relevant for the work.

If you can get a job without one, great! Once you do get the job though, you might want to still look into taking on-line courses at your own pace to eventually finish your degree. You never know when the company policy might change.

 

[deafdyke]

I'm thinking about NTID.

I was going to check into it last summer, but friends and family said that I should finish my program here first. I shouldn't have listened to them. I should have gone right away to NTID and damn the torpedoes. :roll:

Ironically, my state's VR has no money right now. I'm paying for this semester out of pocket. I will not get any help for NTID.

THIS. Go to NTID! it will be SO WORTH IT! it will solve a heck of a lot of problems!