You've had it rough! wow. I'm sorry! I hope you're definitely moving on and you're happy.Ive been through a divorce myself but I had to be the one to put my foot down and say enough was enough.
the marriage was hell from the get go. my ex was lying to me about everything from day 1. It got down to the point that he quit paying the utilities and tried to convince me that my own mother had them turned off to spite him. For 6 months we had only electricity. We had no gas for the stove and no hot water. Everynight I had to take myself and my DD to my parents house to get us a bath and do laundry. Cooking was out of the question and because I was left to pay all of the other expenses such as the cell phones, day care, gas for the vehicles, formula, diapers, and whatnot for my DD on my $300/wk pay at the poultry processor I wasn't eating properly simply because there was no money left for food. I would end up having to pay for him a meal everynight because his check was being garnished or he wouldn't keep a job. There were times I would end up going 2-3 days without a meal.
Then I reached a point that I could not take it anymore. I ended up ingesting an entire bottle of Tylenol PM at once, the next day I found myself in the hospital and within one point of needing a blood transfusion as everything was shutting down. I spent a week in the hospital. Instead of my ex taking the time to take care of my daughter while I recovered, I was hooked up to IV pumps and still having to do all of the mom duties. I recall that I had my daughter in one arm, pushed the IV pump around the room with my foot and was using the other arm to make her a bottle in the sink in the room using the hot water. The male nurse who was a co-worker of my ex at that time saw me and his jaw dropped in disbelief, next thing I know he was down the hall in the lab giving my ex a chewing. And instead of my ex taking my DD home with him when he got off work, no, he lied and said he was going to work an extra shift while I was in the hospital, when he was really going to another woman's house everynight during my stay while he could get away with it.
Finally about 4 months later my ex was arrested for filing a false police report and ended up in jail and tried to tell me that it was a mix up. I talked to the local authorities and turns out my ex had a criminal record dating back to 1999 and this was 2003-2004! I had no idea. I went to visit him one last and final time at the jailhouse and I flat out told him that when he gets out, don't come home. I went back home and I stayed with my parents for a couple of days as we didnt have any gas at the house for heating and I was going to get the utilities changed into my name. I called the electric company and the lady said - 'Honey, the utilities are already in your name!" I was like WTF?!?!?! I was at work and come to find out my ex-husband had bootlegged the electricity from September 2003 all the way to February 2004! The only reason they never came to shut it off is because the local guy that does that knew there was an infant in the home and he told his bosses and they said to just wait until warmer weather gets here then cut them off. They had been keeping tabs on how much we had used and I was left with a $2,500 light bill I could not pay. I spent 3-4 hours on the phone trying to get them to waive it given the circumstances as my ex had obviously stole my SSN to get the electricity turned on in my name without my permission. They finally told me that they would waive the $2,500 as long as I did not return to that address, so basically I lost my house because of a $2,500 electric bill my ex had run up and left me to pay (which I couldn't).
I finally got the money to get the divorce official that summer and in October 11 2004 I became a single mother. I have never received not one child support payment and my ex has never bothered to send my DD anything from him personally.
I became extremely depressed after my divorce and went deep into alcohol abuse and sleeping around. Then finally one day I just got up and I decided I wanted more. I went back to work full time in 2007 and now I feel like that at least Im on the right path to something good. Ive been able to return to school with a stroke of luck, but I still have a lot to accomplish.
Even though it has been nearly 5 years since the divorce, I still find it hard to find myself as lovable because every guy Ive been with since has been a loser, almost like its my destiny to be a single parent forever. Some days are worse than others.
You would think that I would have found some friends here locally to bond with over, but that isnt true. Ive turned gay because of my failed relationships with men and Im realizing that I tend to draw closer to women than men. Seems like every man Ive been with has been abusive in some way or has simply used me for his own gain or personal pleasure.
Even though I am in a 'couples' sunday school class at church, I get very little benefit from it, and I feel that I would not fit appropriately with the college and career class as it is geared towards recent high school grads.
We all as a human race desire to have a family whether it is a traditional family or a non-traditional family. We just have that desire and need to be surrounded by people who love and support us unconditionally and make us feel beautiful inside. Some of us have that and some of us don't.
For those of us that don't we need aand someone to tell us we're beautiful.
"If all the world were perfect, I would only want to see your scars." - Darren Hayes, 'So Beautiful' 2005 Columbia Records
Its amazing how we all survive through this. I married twice.. both were abusive. what can I say? I picked the wrong men. I used to think it was okay to be pushed around, thrown at, getting spit in the face, etc. I used to think that was normal. Its because I loved him. Well, now this is where it got me. I hit rock bottom, I have the lowest self esteem that I can have. I feel so ugly because of the scar on my upper eye brow. That's one thing I have to look at every single day and see that scar on my head. its just not fair. its a reminder of what he did.
what's more is the holidays are coming. I'm not looking forward to that. I find that Chris is taking his girlfriend to meet his family for thanksgiving and that killed me.
2 weeks ago, chris begged me to meet him somewhere and i wouldn't. he was saying he's been crying, is a wreck, and really wants to talk to me. and when i refused, he kept saying he's going to kill himself and stuff like that. then i found out last tuesday that he's going to take his girlfriend to meet his family.. what the hell??? what was that all about???? that's what kills me.
so my emotions are crazy!
@ Cheri !
