New Member
Hi im 18 im learnig sing language my boyfriend is deaf and im hearing i want to ask about sex and comunication(like setting boundaries, making sure we understand each other needs and wants eyc) because im not that fluent in SL so i cant discuss it with him in a proper way i dont have the vocabulary to do it (i dont know how to convey the mesage through signing)
What i want to know if theres is someone who has experienced being in a relationship hearing-deaf who can tell me their stories what worked best for them what didnt etc.
Sorry for my bad english is not my first language (spanish is)


Well-Known Member
I'd suggest getting Signs of Sexual Behaviour and going through it together.
If there are different signs, have him show you and then make sure you are certain you understand what they mean.

If you are going to enter into a sexual relationship together, you need to be able to know how to communicate important aspects of both the intimacy side of it, and more importantly how to indicate things like birth control, safe sex practices, hygiene issues etc. This all needs to be done well in advance, with a level head and not in the heat of the moment.

You might want to see if you both can go to Planned Parenthood with an interpreter and use that as a chance to ask questions, get information and also acquire some additional vocabulary.

Again, I'd strongly suggest doing all of this first - before moving onto a sexual relationship together (and I know that's not "fun", but unless you're both actively ready for parenthood, it's a very important step, especially in a situation where communication isn't fluent)


Active Member
Anij gives important advice. In addition there is the matter of how a woman communicates the simple signals that a hearing male would get, like heavy breathing, moans- the stuff that lets a guy know "do that again"! Thumbs up and thumbs down would work sometimes, or invent a simple code between you, like tapping his shoulder once for "not good", twice for "yay".

Young guys are severely governed by hormones so it is important to his and your future sexual happiness for him to learn YOUR rhythms early. Otherwise the female's satisfaction becomes a by-product of the male's. It might serve you both to read up on such things.


Well-Known Member
Facial expressions work good in my relationship. Or tapping also helps. I use my nails on my husband's back of i like it and tap his hips if I don't. A good relationship is based off of trust and understanding. Set boundaries before hand.


Use mobile phone as a mean of communication. You might want to find out what are the things he likes first and talk about it before you start having sex. Like other users said, tapping, thumbs up are all effective way of communication. You might want to establish different signs before you get into it. Is he able to lip read? If he can, try to make it such that your mouth is visible to him.


Story time!

I am hearing and my fiancé is Deaf. I didn't know any sign language before I met him. We started out with texting and typing back and forth to communicate. Then I started learning sign from him and books, and college classes later on.

Prior to him, I didn't have much sexual experience. I was 23 years old and hadn't had penetrative sex. Even so, I'd read plenty of books, followed sex positive YouTubers (like lacigreen), so I wasn't naive. He, on the other hand, had 5 previous sexual partners, all hearing women.

When things got more serious, I explained to him that I wanted us both to be tested for HIV and other STDs before starting a sexual relationship. He agreed. I got a referral from my doctor, he went to a local clinic. We were got the results back, both disease free, and moved on from there.

I wasn't fluent in ASL at this point. We went over basic signs that would be important during sex (stop, yes, no, slow, fast, more, I like, I don't like). Anything more complex, we would stop and type back and forth on his phone. He was very focused on me, especially at he beginning. He looked at my facial expressions, asked if I was okay, if I wanted a break, etc. We relaxed into it after a while. If his eyes were closed or if he was looking elsewhere, I would tap him to get his attention.

I suggest, if either of you have had previous sexual contact (including unprotected oral sex) to get tested. Have these discussions about sexual histories, what you're hoping to have together. The more open the communication the better.

Also, I would suggest 2 forms of birth control, that way you have a backup in case one fails. Example: I'm on the pill and we use condoms. That's my recommendation for anyone in a sexual relationship, honestly, but it's ultimately your decision.
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New Member
I am also dating a deaf girl, and I have to tell you that it was pretty tough initially. I mean, I just didn't know how to communicate with her. I didn't know if she liked what I was doing or not, which made me very disappointed in myself. It would have been easier for me if I were a hearing girl and dating a deaf male. However, as time passed, the situation got better. Even though we broke up recently, and honestly, I was depressed right after our break up. I have seen escorts daily, trying to forget the pain. Now, I can undoubtedly say that the girls from helped me very much, and I am feeling better right now.
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Active Member
There are books availible in both english and ASL that will cover the subject of human sexuality for both sexes. The two of you would need to teach one another. The communication part. The rest of it Nature has already provided. But you both need to get the communication down. There are specific signs for every part of the body and mechanisms of action and so on. All of it. If she has not had a hearing partner before then learning that part of ASL in that subject will be a step forward.

I will keep this light hearted and leave you with the thought that when the lights are out, the signs dont work anymore and there is no point in using speaking english or any language at that point. =)