Awauphi
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HAVE AN ORDINARY DAY
Hardly a day goes by without me hearing the words, "Have a great day!" or "Have a blessed day!" This phrase ends many sales transactions
or ends many e-mails. Even though it will likely be just another ordinary day.
In our world there seems to be an underlying assumption that great days are the norm for one and all, ignoring the possibility that there may
be those who are not having a great day. They have lost a friend, had a fender bender, are struggling to pay their bills when there is more
month than money, grieving the death of a loved one. Most people just expect life to be fine and it's not unusual for people around you to
end a conversation with, "Have a great day!"
In the weeks, months and even years following the death of my beloved daughter-in-law those words landed with a thud in my heart. I
find I can ignore them when they come from a stranger or a casual friend but it not so easy when these words come from someone I know. Over time I've learned to live with it, recognizing that the phrase is just a positive
way to bring a conversation to an end. However, in the last three and a half years I remain very aware that life experiences can significantly change perception of what constitutes a "great day."
Three and a half years has not altered the fact that nothing has been the same since our Stephanie's heaven going. Even though my outward appearance has not changed markedly, I am definitely not the same person inside. My world views, that is, those assumptions, priorities, beliefs and values that had served me well in making sense of my world, no longer made much sense following Stephanie's death.
When grief is experienced at a lower-intensity level, the world returns to a level of stability in a relatively short period of time. Those who experience a catastrophic loss have their world view shaken as never before. Lives can become so massively unbalanced from a high-intensity loss by death, like the
death of a child. The loss of Stephanie shook my world to the bottom of my soul.
Recently I received an e-mail that concluded with the words, "Have an ordinary day." I was surprised, it was refreshing to think that having an ordinary day was acceptable. There was no expectation that I
should make myself have a "great day" when I did not feel great. And after all, aren't the vast majority of our days ordinary? Would we really want it any other way? If most of our days were only great days,
wouldn't that be exhausting? How could we keep up that pace and emotional level? And, if every day was a great day, it is likely our expectations would increase and the search would begin for days that are greater than great days.
In contrast, my new self has come to treasure the ordinary days, I cherish having to clean up the kitchen when one of the children come over and trash it, sitting on the back porch reading or sewing or meeting with a friend and having a meaningful conversation. Amazingly, since the accident, I've also developed a high tolerance level for the inconveniences or irritants that are part of ordinary days such as seeing the dust gather in the house, keeping track of bills, and doing errands for the kids.
Other events, such as births, weddings or attending fellowships with friends could be considered rather ordinary occasions, given their predictability in the
calendar year.
Most important, as long as things remain ordinary, it also means there are no phone calls or other means of communication that inform us of a horrific out-of-the ordinary tragedy of a loved one. Our loved ones remain safe and live to experience another day.
Have an ordinary day!
~ By Elaine Self in memory of Stephanie Self
(original article by Nita Aasen, St. Peter, Minnesota)
got this via email~ Bereaved Parents Central Arkansas Chapter CareLetter
Hardly a day goes by without me hearing the words, "Have a great day!" or "Have a blessed day!" This phrase ends many sales transactions
or ends many e-mails. Even though it will likely be just another ordinary day.
In our world there seems to be an underlying assumption that great days are the norm for one and all, ignoring the possibility that there may
be those who are not having a great day. They have lost a friend, had a fender bender, are struggling to pay their bills when there is more
month than money, grieving the death of a loved one. Most people just expect life to be fine and it's not unusual for people around you to
end a conversation with, "Have a great day!"
In the weeks, months and even years following the death of my beloved daughter-in-law those words landed with a thud in my heart. I
find I can ignore them when they come from a stranger or a casual friend but it not so easy when these words come from someone I know. Over time I've learned to live with it, recognizing that the phrase is just a positive
way to bring a conversation to an end. However, in the last three and a half years I remain very aware that life experiences can significantly change perception of what constitutes a "great day."
Three and a half years has not altered the fact that nothing has been the same since our Stephanie's heaven going. Even though my outward appearance has not changed markedly, I am definitely not the same person inside. My world views, that is, those assumptions, priorities, beliefs and values that had served me well in making sense of my world, no longer made much sense following Stephanie's death.
When grief is experienced at a lower-intensity level, the world returns to a level of stability in a relatively short period of time. Those who experience a catastrophic loss have their world view shaken as never before. Lives can become so massively unbalanced from a high-intensity loss by death, like the
death of a child. The loss of Stephanie shook my world to the bottom of my soul.
Recently I received an e-mail that concluded with the words, "Have an ordinary day." I was surprised, it was refreshing to think that having an ordinary day was acceptable. There was no expectation that I
should make myself have a "great day" when I did not feel great. And after all, aren't the vast majority of our days ordinary? Would we really want it any other way? If most of our days were only great days,
wouldn't that be exhausting? How could we keep up that pace and emotional level? And, if every day was a great day, it is likely our expectations would increase and the search would begin for days that are greater than great days.
In contrast, my new self has come to treasure the ordinary days, I cherish having to clean up the kitchen when one of the children come over and trash it, sitting on the back porch reading or sewing or meeting with a friend and having a meaningful conversation. Amazingly, since the accident, I've also developed a high tolerance level for the inconveniences or irritants that are part of ordinary days such as seeing the dust gather in the house, keeping track of bills, and doing errands for the kids.
Other events, such as births, weddings or attending fellowships with friends could be considered rather ordinary occasions, given their predictability in the
calendar year.
Most important, as long as things remain ordinary, it also means there are no phone calls or other means of communication that inform us of a horrific out-of-the ordinary tragedy of a loved one. Our loved ones remain safe and live to experience another day.
Have an ordinary day!
~ By Elaine Self in memory of Stephanie Self
(original article by Nita Aasen, St. Peter, Minnesota)
got this via email~ Bereaved Parents Central Arkansas Chapter CareLetter