Family woes

RachelRene

RachelRene

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Nothing says "hello, audism" like going home for the holidays. Not only do I keep getting accused of ignoring people, my mom keeps going "You can't hear that? You REALLY can't hear that?" No, mom, I *really* can't hear whatever it is that you're going on about.

I got scolded for over two hours when I didn't answer the door for my grandma. Apparently, they don't believe me when I say I can't hear the doorbell. I'm actually wearing my hearing aids home this time (they don't like me to wear hearing aids, they don't turn on captions, they hate that I sign, and really in general I'm supposed to pretend that I can hear.)

Last night, we went to my nephew's basketball game. Sitting there, with my ears hurting and not understanding anything being said, my mom and sister talking and completely ignoring me, really struck me... this is how it was for all growing up. This is how it was for two years, after I moved back home with my baby. It's no wonder I didn't actually realize how much my hearing had dropped--no one talked to me.

Then I happened to catch my sister, holding my son's hands... She told him, "Puppies don't sign, so you'd better stop!!" (he spends most of his time pretending to be a puppy.) Ugh. I have been working so hard to try to encourage him to sign, for both of our sakes. It has only been recently that he met other kids that sign, and that helped him a lot--he started signing a LOT more after that.

Sorry for the rant... anyone else having home for the holiday issues?
 
Sorry to break it to you, but you are a victim of abuse.
 
RachelRene said:
Nothing says "hello, audism" like going home for the holidays. Not only do I keep getting accused of ignoring people, my mom keeps going "You can't hear that? You REALLY can't hear that?" No, mom, I *really* can't hear whatever it is that you're going on about.

I got scolded for over two hours when I didn't answer the door for my grandma. Apparently, they don't believe me when I say I can't hear the doorbell. I'm actually wearing my hearing aids home this time (they don't like me to wear hearing aids, they don't turn on captions, they hate that I sign, and really in general I'm supposed to pretend that I can hear.)

Last night, we went to my nephew's basketball game. Sitting there, with my ears hurting and not understanding anything being said, my mom and sister talking and completely ignoring me, really struck me... this is how it was for all growing up. This is how it was for two years, after I moved back home with my baby. It's no wonder I didn't actually realize how much my hearing had dropped--no one talked to me.

Then I happened to catch my sister, holding my son's hands... She told him, "Puppies don't sign, so you'd better stop!!" (he spends most of his time pretending to be a puppy.) Ugh. I have been working so hard to try to encourage him to sign, for both of our sakes. It has only been recently that he met other kids that sign, and that helped him a lot--he started signing a LOT more after that.

Sorry for the rant... anyone else having home for the holiday issues?
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I had some problems when I was around your age but nothing that bad. it stopped when I got furious with my family one Easter and said I didn't much feel like a part of the family when they chronically left me out of every joke and conversation and that I would start acting like I am not a member of the family anymore till they treated me like I am.

Then I said if things don't start changing in a big way, I will no longer join them on any future holidays for 36 years of staring out the window was enough.

they realized that I meant it and it's gotten much much better.

I am going to Ottawa tomorrow by the way, having Christmas with the family in the Gatineaus near Wakefield.
 
p.s. you really need to get your audiologist to explain to your parents about your hearing loss, I got rather upset reading your post for it's almost as though your family is punishing you for what you can't help and that's really unfair.
 
DeafCaroline said:
p.s. you really need to get your audiologist to explain to your parents about your hearing loss, I got rather upset reading your post for it's almost as though your family is punishing you for what you can't help and that's really unfair.
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Same here. It always breaks my heart to read about someone being treated in such an awful manner for being deaf.
 
@DeafCaroline - Unfortunately my family is in Montana :( I'd so love to be in Ottawa for Christmas! I had to move back to the states at the end of October because of work and have been a bit bummed ever since. :(

I don't know that having an audiologist talk to them would be helpful. I had surgery when I was 3, and my understanding is that it helped with the conductive loss, and meant that I only had mild loss for most of my growing up years. I had speech therapy. But no one ever told me I had hearing loss, mom refused to get me hearing aids, and I was just borderline enough that it wasn't noticeable. My teachers sent home notes saying I didn't pay attention, that I was aloof, but I got good grades. I have memories of pre-surgery, and it's all mouths moving no sounds. I remember waking up and the shock of hearing. But my mom to this day refuses to acknowledge any of this.

Maybe it would help to have a doctor explain where I am now, but I think DeafCaroline is right--I'm going to have to stand up and say this is it, either you treat me right or I don't come back to this family. I came home for Christmas because there were family illnesses that... If I didn't come back, I'd regret it. But after having a supportive community... I just can't be around this anymore. And I can't have them telling my son not to sign. That's what I'm most upset about--I'd expected to be mostly ignored, not understood, I expected that to be hard. But to try to tell Jayden not to sign?? Still very angry about that.
 
RachelRene said:
@DeafCaroline - Unfortunately my family is in Montana :( I'd so love to be in Ottawa for Christmas! I had to move back to the states at the end of October because of work and have been a bit bummed ever since. :(

I don't know that having an audiologist talk to them would be helpful. I had surgery when I was 3, and my understanding is that it helped with the conductive loss, and meant that I only had mild loss for most of my growing up years. I had speech therapy. But no one ever told me I had hearing loss, mom refused to get me hearing aids, and I was just borderline enough that it wasn't noticeable. My teachers sent home notes saying I didn't pay attention, that I was aloof, but I got good grades. I have memories of pre-surgery, and it's all mouths moving no sounds. I remember waking up and the shock of hearing. But my mom to this day refuses to acknowledge any of this.

Maybe it would help to have a doctor explain where I am now, but I think DeafCaroline is right--I'm going to have to stand up and say this is it, either you treat me right or I don't come back to this family. I came home for Christmas because there were family illnesses that... If I didn't come back, I'd regret it. But after having a supportive community... I just can't be around this anymore. And I can't have them telling my son not to sign. That's what I'm most upset about--I'd expected to be mostly ignored, not understood, I expected that to be hard. But to try to tell Jayden not to sign?? Still very angry about that.
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It appears that your family is highly image-conscious. With this type of attitude, it's beyond harmful to a child's self-image and esteem. Your mother's behaviour indicates that she was more concerned with the image of her family than that of your special needs. She needs a reality check.
 
Wow. That's appalling your family would treat you like that.
 
I've had a few issues with that kind of thing - being accused of ignoring people, being shouted at for not answering when someone shouts from another room or when the phone/doorbell rings and people getting really annoyed with me for saying 'what?' or 'huh?' over and over and them having to repeat themselves... but I've just put all that down to people not being used to my hearing loss. It's only been a few months since my hearing got worse so maybe it's just that they forget I can't hear it. I've every faith things will get better with time tho and when I get hearing aids in January :)

For you tho it should already be better! IMO there's no excuse for how unreasonable your family are being and they've no right to tell your kid he shouldn't sign!

Hope things get better!! :)
 
I'm sorry to read that they treat you like this. My family does same thing except hearing aid part, they desperate me want wear it to 'hear' better.
 
RachelRene said:
Nothing says "hello, audism" like going home for the holidays. Not only do I keep getting accused of ignoring people, my mom keeps going "You can't hear that? You REALLY can't hear that?" No, mom, I *really* can't hear whatever it is that you're going on about.

I got scolded for over two hours when I didn't answer the door for my grandma. Apparently, they don't believe me when I say I can't hear the doorbell. I'm actually wearing my hearing aids home this time (they don't like me to wear hearing aids, they don't turn on captions, they hate that I sign, and really in general I'm supposed to pretend that I can hear.)

Last night, we went to my nephew's basketball game. Sitting there, with my ears hurting and not understanding anything being said, my mom and sister talking and completely ignoring me, really struck me... this is how it was for all growing up. This is how it was for two years, after I moved back home with my baby. It's no wonder I didn't actually realize how much my hearing had dropped--no one talked to me.

Then I happened to catch my sister, holding my son's hands... She told him, "Puppies don't sign, so you'd better stop!!" (he spends most of his time pretending to be a puppy.) Ugh. I have been working so hard to try to encourage him to sign, for both of our sakes. It has only been recently that he met other kids that sign, and that helped him a lot--he started signing a LOT more after that.

Sorry for the rant... anyone else having home for the holiday issues?
Click to expand...

I'm very sorry to hear about this. This is not acceptable. Even how your sister tried to get your son to stop signing! That's how your son and you communicate the best!

You mentioned that your family is in Montana. I'm in North Dakota. I think the cultures of both states are fairly similar, and if that is the case, I think many people in this region, in general, have a tendency not to regard deaf/hoh people very highly. It's just too "weird" to them. It's worse if they are in a rural town. There's a lot of pressure to "fit in," in terms of how one acts, thinks, believes, dresses, etc.

But that doesn't excuse the way your family treats you.
 
DeafBadger--

The small rural town attitude definitely has a lot to do with it. I was actually born in a town so small it's not even a town... it's the Prairie :) Now we live in a town that has pretty much the one stop shop and nothing else... there's a lot of prejudice that gets disguised as "small town pride" and "patriotism."
 
I would go to a small town in Arkansas every spring break as a kid. I don't remember getting shoddy treatments like this from anyone. Must be the area, not the rural city mentality.
 
You don't know the sadness I felt when I read this thread!....Wish I were there with you to shake some sense into your family's head....And I agree with Banjo, it's abuse. You don't deserve it, and let it be known to them you will not accept it!

Still wishing you a Merry Xmas!...and a much better New Year...you deserve it!
 
Ugh... no one yelled about my hearing aids--it's worse.

Not only is everyone mad at me for "ignoring them," I keep turning to find everyone laughing, or will catch someone yelling my name and turn my head, they'll all laugh and don't have anything to say when I ask what... turns out they're all calling me names, saying things about me, right there at the dinner table, behind hands, behind my back, and laughing. I asked them, "why does everyone say my name and then just laugh and walk away when I answer?" My sister got mad and said, "Well, after you've been ignoring me, why would I have anything to say to you?"

I can't decide if they really think I'm just this attention seeking hypochondriac freak, or if they are trying to be funny, or if they're just mean. Doesn't matter, I'm so sick of them.

I came because of family illness and hard times--I came to be supportive, to show my love in case there wasn't time to later... I tried to make my hearing "not an issue," tried to just be matter of fact about it, tried to fake as much understanding as I could and didn't complain about not being able to follow the conversation or the movies. I'm not talking about my hearing loss. I'm only signing a little with my son. ... and I'm treated like shit.

*ALL DONE!*
 
Your family is just appalling! They deserved to be given a kick up the bum.

Really sorry they treated you like that, and tried to deprive Jayden of your language.

Hope things will start to improve for you whatever you decide to do.
 
RR, I feel your pain! My family decide play game yesterday. Some phonic-base word game. I tell them cannot play this, but please tell me when cards time. I go sit, I see sister say "she pouting". Plus, they all sit around talk, nobody even bother try sign. Sigh.
 
RachelRene said:
I think DeafCaroline is right--I'm going to have to stand up and say this is it, either you treat me right or I don't come back to this family.
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RR, sorry that you have to deal with this. I think both you and DC are right.

And I can't have them telling my son not to sign. That's what I'm most upset about--I'd expected to be mostly ignored, not understood, I expected that to be hard. But to try to tell Jayden not to sign?? Still very angry about that.
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I don't blame you. I hope you tore your sister a new one.

I also hope it didn't affect Jayden.
 
Sunshine--I don't get why our families don't understand that it's not pouting, it's not whining, it just SUCKS to be purposefully excluded.

So... I waited until the rest of the family was out and then I laid in to my brother. I told him, "you know i'm not ignoring you, right, i actually can't hear you? Do you know how much it sucks to sit at a dinner table and have no idea what people are saying, and then find everyone laughing at you every time you look up?"

He said he just thought it was funny.

Apparently yesterday when we all went to the store they were walking behind me saying things like "watch out rachel there's a train coming! hey numbnuts you walk like a duck..." and laughing because i of course didn't respond. My brother, btw, is 35 years old. It's not like he's a teenager.

My family teases, that's fine... but if they're going to tease me, it had better be to my face so i can join in on the banter.

My mom and sister think i'm just faking it, i guess, and hey if i'm wearing hearing aids that fixes everything right?

I plan on showing my brother the hearing loss simultor, and showing him that I'm at the moderate loss level WITH my hearing aids on (if they worked, which they don't most of the time). And I'll talk to my mom, too, and I plan on not coming back if they're not going to treat me right. My sister--well, I think she's a lost cause.

I keep thinking maybe part of the problem is their lack of education--i haven't explained how much my hearing's changed, after all, and most hearing people think hearing aids fixes it. So I'll do my part, and I'll try to educate them. If that doesn't fix their treatment of me, then f*ck them.
 
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