deaf with hearing partner

Kristine13826

New Member
Is anyone here deaf and has a hearing spouse? I want to know is your relationship rocky because you are hearing impaired or is it stable?? How hard is it on your marriage because you are deaf?? Does he/she ever use you as an excuse if he/she ever makes a mistake and do other people fall for it?? Does your spouse claim you are not too brilliant ? etc etc.
Love to " hear " responses on this! I am deaf married to a hearing spouse and he always tries to get people to know "hey! I'm with stupid!" arrows pointing to me none other! it causes arguments between us all the time. I never take it lying down! Should I????? I should add that I am a state certified nurse assist and also went to LPN school and decided I wanted to go in another direction. I did not flunk out ..... I dropped out. I am now a home health care aide and I love it! I get to work one on one with my clients instead of 15 or so at a time just so the administrators can make and show a profit. So I know I am not stupid. But my dh knows that if he can just let everyone know I am hoh /deaf then of course it's my fault because everyone knows deaf equals stupidity! Oh that makes me soooooooooo mad. But still though should I just keep quiet and let people find out for themselves for the sake of my marriage or should I be long and loud and clear on my position???? Opinions please???
 

SpaCityMedic

New Member
Wirelessly posted (MyCellyTelly)

Well, i am not married, but i can tell you that allowing others to walk on you, be it a significant other, or a friend, a parent or a sibling, or WHATEVER, is unhealthy and will do nothing but destroy uour relationship with that person. A marriage is supposed to have mutual trust and respect. When you marry you dont sign yourself over to be a rug. Its ok to have boundaries and self respect.
 

SpaCityMedic

New Member
Wirelessly posted (MyCellyTelly)

My advice to you would be to sit this person down, and with a level head, make very objective statements about his behaviour. Dont let your emotions get the best of you, and just keep a level head. Preface with "Honey i need to talk to you, when you have time that you are not preoccupied or distracted. Its very important to me and i think it could be important to us." when your husband approachess YOU and says he is ready to talk, tell him you love him and that you need him to just listen to what you have to say until your through, and then you both can discuss it. Make statements like, "whenever you (insert fact based infraction he made here)___________, I feel (insert your emotion or percieved opinion your husband has of you here)_________."this way, he will see you are not making false accusations, or putting words in his mouth, youre pointing out what he did and how it belittled you. When you said your peace, allow him to talk, listen even if you dont agree.
 

SpaCityMedic

New Member
Wirelessly posted (MyCellyTelly)

Instead of saying "you always treat me like garbage, you think i am stupid because i am deaf, and im just a big joke to you", say, "whener you tell your friends 'im with stupid', i feel like you dont value me as your wife. I dont feel loved or respected. Instead, i just feel very hurt." make sure you point out the things he DOES do, in regards to how he treats your deafness, that do make you feel respected. "Whenever you interpret for me, or stick up for me when other people show their ignorance, i appreciate that. And it helps me know that you do love me" be specific. The more level headed you are, the more likely you are to get a good response from him, and proceed towards a common goal: a happy healthy marriage. Make sure you tell him to let ypou know what YOU may have or may not have done that makes him feel unappreciated. Listen even if it hurts. Even if you disagree. And be open to his criticism. Ask what you can do to fix it with him. This isnt a time to argue, its a time to listen and be heard out.
 

KristinaB

Emotional Mess
Premium Member
I was HOH, when we married and for the last 5 3/4 years I have been total deaf. Hubby is hearing. Our two children are HOH, but daughter's is speech recognition and not sound related. Her's is mild. Son has a moderate to severe loss.

Luckily, hubby and I have a stable marriage. I was fortunate that I was able to learn at a young age basically how to read lips. I am not saying it is easy, because it totally is not. In fact, I hate doing it these days. My family has always been resistant to learn ASL, but I find as I use it more (PSE) then they use it as well.

Hubby and I are very open with talking out everything. I will tell the family if I don't appreciate things they do and I can be quite vocal about it. They know they really messed up when I get in the car and take a drive without telling them. I have always tried to take the advice from hubby's maternal grandmother and countless other people. "Never go to sleep angry with each other." Now, there have been a lot of late nights while we procrastinate over who is at fault, but we do usually work it out and have a very happy stable marriage. If you read around this board, you may find some info that tells you about what I go through and the fact that I have all that going on, and I still have a great marriage and a great relationship with my kids, tells me, I am doing something right.
 

green427

Active Member
You should tell your spouse exactly how you feel....once.

That is all it took to get my wife to stop treating me like crap. That, and the threat of divorce was enough to make her change....a little bit.

Bottom line is, you don't need to put up with that behavior. In the eyes of the law, that is considered spousal abuse.

Yes, it is easier said than done, if you are in a situation where you have no other place to go, it makes your life even harder.
 

katz4life

New Member
Kristine, ask him why did he married you for? Since he already knew you are deaf before marriage and he did accept you, right?
 

rockin'robin

Well-Known Member
Lot of nice replies and advise here....But I must convey, if my husband called me or acted like I was stupid and really meant it....time and time again, I no longer would be married to that jerk!...Actually, he's covering up for himself, hence, he feels like /knows he is the stupid one!

It's emotional/mental abuse. And I would sit him down, and ask him..."Just what is your problem"??..."Do you enjoy downgrading me in public and private?.....Why?...."...He will probably just say he was "joking", and you took it the wrong way!....But, that's a cover-up regarding his "true" feelings!....

It's best to get it all out in the open!...Best of luck with this guy, you're gonna need it.
 

Grayma

New Member
I am deaf married to a hearing spouse and he always tries to get people to know "hey! I'm with stupid!" arrows pointing to me none other! it causes arguments between us all the time. I never take it lying down! Should I?????

I'm hearing married to hearing, but no, you should not accept that treatment.

But my dh knows that if he can just let everyone know I am hoh /deaf then of course it's my fault because everyone knows deaf equals stupidity! Oh that makes me soooooooooo mad. But still though should I just keep quiet and let people find out for themselves for the sake of my marriage or should I be long and loud and clear on my position???? Opinions please???

I'm confused- is he really telling you or other people that you are stupid? Or is he just telling them that you are hoh/deaf?

My son-in-law is hoh- he's pretty much deaf in one ear. I've known him since before he lost his hearing and he was always kind of noisy, now he is really loud, and sometimes people think he is just not listening to them, or being rude.

I love my son-in-law, and I want people to give him a chance so they will love him, too. So I do tell people about his hearing loss because I want them to know that he's not ignoring them, and I want them to understand that he just doesn't know how loud he is sometimes.

If that's what your husband is doing, I'd keep quiet. But if he is really telling people that you are stupid, well, that's just wrong.

If my husband said, "I'm with stupid" and pointed to me, I'd probably say something like, "And I'm with Rude AND Even Stupider." Or maybe just stare at him thoughtfully and then nod in agreement and say, "I guess that would explain why I married you."
Or maybe just the long stare would make your point. I don't know the best way for you to act for your marriage, but I do know it's not acceptable for one spouse to tell people that the other spouse is stupid.
 

tluvboats11

New Member
My two cents

I have had this experience first hand myself. I am profoundly deaf (since birth, so no sudden change during marriage). I had a hearing wife, and had my suspicions for a few years that she was going the 'stupid route.' This included making 'calls' at night when she knew I couldn't hear. And if I slept with my hearing devices in, she would ask if "she could take them out for me" or "why do I have them on?"
That was the last straw once I sat her down and told her straight up that no one should be treated like that. She said she would change..but never happened. This treatment or 'feeling you have' should be red flag...marriage is respect, communication, and love.
 

UNYTruthHunters

New Member
I am Deaf married to a hearing spouse. When we first met, I was HOH wearing hearing aids but when I came down with Meniere's Disease (Vertigo and Tinnitus), I lost my hearing when we were dating. We got married. Of course, my wife and I are very different but we love each other and we are still married since 2006. It wiill be 8 years together, 6 years this August. Of course, we fight. She knew ASL for 15 years by the time we first met at the singles dance.

Of course communication is big problem for us as well as everyone. Marriage is hard work. Marriage is not for fun. Can be when you make your marriage work. Get it?

Now with your case, wow! He sounds very immature and very misunderstanding with your Deafness. Alright, you need a very serious sit down one on one talk with him.

Was he acting like that when you both first met each other? Was he understanding you might go deaf? For mine, it was unexpected.

Good thing my wife is an LPN and a widow, she understands my Deafness. One thing, she is smart not to work in the hospital, she works for a specialist (Ortho--bones) and making pretty good pay.

Anyway, back to us, I learned a lot more about communication and marriage when I got married than I did when I was dating all of the girls for years. (Yeah, I got married at age of 41! Wanted to marry younger and have babies and all.. but no. My wife is older, more mature, wiser than those I dated with. Bunch of losers I dated. Even some Deaf women! Wow, they were so immature! Well, that is another story.)

Does he work? Has a job? If not, make him your house husband!

One thing, do you talk often with your friends or family over the VP/TTY/pager often more than you talk with your husband? OR he is on the cell often or computer often when you are at home? If that is true, you both need to have quality time without any of those technologies and have good old fashioned way of talking to each other face to face over dinner, in the evenings, etc.

Please watch this DVD called Firepoof starring Pastor Kirk Cameron who plays the Fire Fighter who has marriage problems. Really do please watch that. This really helps my marriage with my wife. Really works!

If your husband is still resisting the idea of you being Deaf and wants to mock on you, threaten him with a divorce and because that is considered an abuse he did on you verbally and socially, you should clean out his bank accounts. That will give him a wake up call. I hope any of the words I said here helps you.
 

CandiAki

New Member
I am hearing and not married but I think you should stand up for yourself and your feelings deaf does not equal dumb and and your husband should not think of you like that. Also he should not put you down to ANYONE EVER. thats just disrespect and it is NEVER acceptable.
 

drphil

Active Member
I suppose it is easy to say the "problems" encountered between DEAF/ Hearing impaired and a "hearing" person should be "resolved" at the initial meeting. In the end we deal with one person not the aggregate categories: DEAF/Hearing.

Both have equal say-one hopes- on whether to continue deciding they want "to interact-eventually- on a very personal level-called "marriage/whatever".

One's personal responsibility should never be minimized. Being DEAF doesn't make one "helpless in this situation"!
 

Oliver UK

New Member
Hi all. A brief intro to me. Bad hearing runs in my family, but only from c. 50 years on. I however, had chemotherapy at age 29 and lost c. 40% of my hearing. It has got steadily worse since then so I now have 70% hearing with some very good hearing aids. Without them I think I have 20% - 30% hearing.

I got married early (23) and had my first son, and had good hearing. My hearing has definitely put a strain on my marriage as it tends to come up in quite a few arguments, and is top of the list for annoying my wife. I don't always have my aids in at home (I like it quiet!) and so this behaviour is not conducive to having a chat. I would actually say that partly this is my fault, as it is easy to get into bad habits like saying yes to people when I am not sure what they have said, and this can backfire when they are asking a question for example "Uh huh...".

However, partly the issues are my wifes as she is quick to get annoyed when I can't hear, even with my aids sometimes, and she knows this. She does not mean to stir things up (most of the time), but my hearing is an easy target for her to have an argument. For this reason, it is important to both work hard at meeting each others needs. You can lean too much on each other sometimes.

As to someone saying I am with stupid, this is not good or funny. However, the person saying this is caught between two worlds - the hearing world and yours, and I think humour is the way to make that transition. It is however in this case, completely uncalled for and puts you down. It's like self depracating humour, but with someone else using it on your behalf. That is not their right to use it. The trouble is that his friends probably don't want to say anything as they feel uncomfortable and don't want to interfere. I would hop ethat is the case, as opposed to them finding him funny.

You need to have a good talk about it, and even show him this thread. From my experience, this is an added burden for both of you, but also one which can bring personal growth and understanding of others needs, in many different circumstances. The main thing is though, he is your husband and should defend you with his life, not make fun out of you. I am lucky my wife is strong for me in this area, and explains to people I can't hear properly when it is required, and when I don't explain. It takes time, but if you love each other it will get better as you get used to how you need to be for each other. Sorry for the long reply!
 

Icemancm

New Member
Yep, I'm HoH and my wife hears. Most of the time there's no problems; but there's always the inevitable conversation whether it's on the phone or even in person where she gets frustrated when I didn't hear/respond, or even hear incorrectly. I sometimes have to remind her that I'm constantly playing a game of Conversation Hangman in my head - where I'm filling in the blanks to figure out what's being said.
 

Tasha'sMom

New Member
book to recommend

I agree with the other posters who say it is spousal abuse. Nobody should make you feel like less than a full person. I'd like recommend:

It's (Mostly) His Fault: For Women Who Are Fed Up and the Men Who Love Them by Robert Mark Alter.

Yes, it's written by a MAN.

It teaches men how to be respectful and kind to their wives.
 

dereksbicycles

Active Member
I am Deaf married to a hearing spouse. When we first met, I was HOH wearing hearing aids but when I came down with Meniere's Disease (Vertigo and Tinnitus), I lost my hearing when we were dating. We got married. Of course, my wife and I are very different but we love each other and we are still married since 2006. It wiill be 8 years together, 6 years this August. Of course, we fight. She knew ASL for 15 years by the time we first met at the singles dance.

Of course communication is big problem for us as well as everyone. Marriage is hard work. Marriage is not for fun. Can be when you make your marriage work. Get it?

Now with your case, wow! He sounds very immature and very misunderstanding with your Deafness. Alright, you need a very serious sit down one on one talk with him.

Was he acting like that when you both first met each other? Was he understanding you might go deaf? For mine, it was unexpected.

Good thing my wife is an LPN and a widow, she understands my Deafness. One thing, she is smart not to work in the hospital, she works for a specialist (Ortho--bones) and making pretty good pay.

Anyway, back to us, I learned a lot more about communication and marriage when I got married than I did when I was dating all of the girls for years. (Yeah, I got married at age of 41! Wanted to marry younger and have babies and all.. but no. My wife is older, more mature, wiser than those I dated with. Bunch of losers I dated. Even some Deaf women! Wow, they were so immature! Well, that is another story.)

Does he work? Has a job? If not, make him your house husband!

One thing, do you talk often with your friends or family over the VP/TTY/pager often more than you talk with your husband? OR he is on the cell often or computer often when you are at home? If that is true, you both need to have quality time without any of those technologies and have good old fashioned way of talking to each other face to face over dinner, in the evenings, etc.

Please watch this DVD called Firepoof starring Pastor Kirk Cameron who plays the Fire Fighter who has marriage problems. Really do please watch that. This really helps my marriage with my wife. Really works!

If your husband is still resisting the idea of you being Deaf and wants to mock on you, threaten him with a divorce and because that is considered an abuse he did on you verbally and socially, you should clean out his bank accounts. That will give him a wake up call. I hope any of the words I said here helps you.

I remember that movie. I would love to watch it again. A great movie!!! It's a quite emotional movie. Anyone who has seen it will agree with me.
 
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