I really hope that is not the case. I hope they are just trying to find resources, anything to assist in how to raise their child. I like to think parents are smart enough to weed through all the crap on the internet to get to the great stuff.
Have you visited Hearing Exchange?
Let me explain to you what has been my experience both professionally and personally.
When a parent receives a diagnosis that their child is deaf (or developmentally disabled, or has CP, or spina bifida, or autism, or any other disabilty) their first and normal reaction is "What can I do to fix this? How can I make this go away so that my child and I have the normal life I thought we were going to have?" Their intial search for answers is guided by this stage in the process of acceptance.
The vast majority of disabilties are not invisable. You see evidence of the disability every time you look at your child. Other family members can see it. People who pass you on the street can see it. You are confronted with your child's disability is such a way that it is almost impossible not to move through this initial stage of denial and on to eventual acceptance.
However, deafness is an invisable disabilty. You can't see it. The only way it can be detected my others is if lack of speech skills or signing makes it evident. It is easy to deny the impact of your child's deafness if you do everything you can to make them appear less deaf. Parents quite often concentrate on making sure the outward signs of deafness are not immediately evident so they can remain in denial of the impact of the part of deafness that can't be seen.
"My child can hear with HA or CI." "My child can speak well." "My child doesn't need sign or the deaf community." "My child lives in the hearing world." "My child doesn't need a terp." "My child will not have to attend a school for the deaf, but can go to a regular school with hearing kids."
What do all of these comments have in common? An attempt to keep the deafness as invisable as possible. As long as no one sees it, as long as it isn't in your face everytime you look at your child, you can continue to deny that it is there. Not only that, but you can believe that you have accomplished your intial desire to "make it go away." You can hold onto the feeling of omnipotence.
But it is a very shaky position to be in. Sooner or later, something or someone is going to point out that, despite superficial appearances, the deafness is still there. You haven't been able to make it go away. You are not omnipotent, after all. When that happens, the parent who has never moved out of denial and into accpetance will react with anger and defensiveness. They will claim that you are criticising their child, that you are saying they are "bad parents." They will rant about how they have done everything they could to help their child, and they will point out the uniqueness of their child. They will tell you how their child is different. Their child is not like "all those other deaf kids, and all those deaf adults that tell them differently." They react so vehemently because the fantasy they have created for their child...that as long as the deafness isn't visable, we can all pretend is just doesn't exist and doesn't matter, and my child is not different afterall, is being challenged. Rightly so. They are being faced with reality, rather than what they
want reality to be, and what they have put so much time and effort into not seeing.
I see deaf students every day whose parents are still in this stage of denial. I hear the stories of deaf adults who tell me their parents have never moved through this stage despite the fact that the "child" is now a 30 year old adult and have been deaf all of their life. I see hearing parents on this very forum that have never moved through it. I have seen these parents of some of my son's deaf friends. I have seen these parents everywhere. And it is sad. It is sad for both the parent and the child, because they spend so much time creating and reinforcing their denial that they never get to know their child on a complete level. They never know who their child truly is, but only know their child as an image that they have created. How many times has one of these parents remarked, upon being told how their adult deaf child feels and the pain they experienced growing up, "I never knew you felt that way. I did everything I could to make sure you had a 'normal' life." Denial. How many of these parents, when their deaf child grows up and learns sign says, "But you can speak. Why do you need sign?" Denial.
The fact of the matter is, it is painful to get past the denial. More painful that working so hard to maintain it. It involves admitting that your child is not the same child that you thought you were going raise, and you really have no idea how to address his or her needs. It involves admitting that you need help. It involves accepting not just your child's deafness, but your own lack of power. Oh, no, it is much easieir to seek out that which will allow you to live in the state of denial, it is much easier to surround yourself with those who will support the world you have created. It is much easier to surround yourself with people who reinforce your perceptions than it is to be around those that force you to see reality. But remaining in that denial takes a lot of energy and effort. It takes so much energy and effort, in fact, that you have no energy left to actually interact on a meaningful level with your child. You compromise your relationship, and in the end, you and your child both loose.
These parents are more numerous in relation to deafness than with any other disability simply because of the nature of deafness.
