A little confused and frustrated

[rebeccalj]

This is important information. As important as you are, he probably had a lot of things on his mind. I think it's understandable that he took a long time to contact you.

But he should have told you something like, "Wow baby, I'm sorry I should have txt'd you sooner. I've just had a lot on my mind because of my mom's surgery and everything, but I'd still really like to see you."

I really don't think this has much to do with deaf/hearing differences. It's a matter of basic relationship communication.

Yes, and I'm sorry I forget to mention in OP. You are completely right. When I re-read the texts from last night he sounds like he was busy and sometimes, with his job, he does get held up to be late.

I think I was probably just being too sensitive and, like he say to me, if I was *that* worried, I should have texted him.

Men and women in conversation.

 

[rebeccalj]

Whew that's way more work than I would ever put into a relationship. IMO children are to be trained, dogs are to be trained, but a man is either a man or not.

No judgements here to each their own

I don't mean train, as in a dog. I mean train in how to treat me. We are all different so what works for one woman won't necessarily work with me. Does that make more sense?

 

[TWA]

Whew that's way more work than I would ever put into a relationship. IMO children are to be trained, dogs are to be trained, but a man is either a man or not.

No judgements here to each their own

Word. If you gotta tell a man how to be a man, he ain't worth your trouble.

I don't mean train, as in a dog. I mean train in how to treat me. We are all different so what works for one woman won't necessarily work with me. Does that make more sense?

I think it was a problem of Semantics.

I do think it's important to let someone know when they do something that you aren't okay with and be up front. But you can't change someone's normal behavior nor expect them to. Once someone starts wishing that sort of thing, you know the relationship is a goner...

 

[rebeccalj]

Oh, I agree Alex. You can't change people, nor should you want to. You should be with someone that works for you, as individual, the way that they are. For sure, compromise is necessary in any relationship, but changing who you are *for* a relationship means someone is falling in love with a fraud.

 

[Juli-terp-to-be]

On the training part:
Alot of people today think that they can change a behavior that another has been doing for most of their lives. That is impossible without the person's acceptance that this particular behavior needs to be changed. Otherwise trying to change another is going to drive the other away. And that, IMO, is the contributing factor of why so many people are divorcing.
On the no texting part:
There were many things contributing to a miscommunication on both sides. I hope that they can be talked throught and understood.

 

[whatdidyousay!]

Yes, he was worried. We text back and forth a few times when I tell him I'm at pub with friends watching game.

He say to me that if I was that worried (about his Mum) I should have texted him but said that he felt it could wait until I came over Friday after work to tell me how things went. Just a misunderstanding. Told me not to worry about it and have fun with friends.

I completely understand the talking behind your back. If hearies only knew how hurtful that is to us I'm sure many wouldn't do that. My son occasionally talks behind his hand and, wow, do I ever get mad about that. It is *SO* rude!!

It sound like the two of worked things out. It really does help to talk things out , it sound lke the guy is very understanding ,. I hate when people talk with their hands in front oft heir face!! GRR!!

 

[jenniifer]

You seem angry about men.

I agree with you, completely, about not sitting around waiting. I am a big believer in, "You teach people how to treat you." I am nobody's doormat.

Plus, no offence to the men here, but some men need to be trained.:P I think, if there is a next time, where there is confusion, he will be darn sure to try to clarify the plans. He will learn from this.

Heehee...Me? Angry at men? Those poor innocent misunderstood creatures? Ha!

I love men. I get along better with men than I do with women, always have. But I KNOW men too. Probably more than I should. I have "been around the block" a few times. Also, I thought before making my post that this was a brand new relationship, I got the impression that you two had just met and had only been dating a few weeks. I didn't know you had been seeing each other for 4 months, so maybe my opinion is a little hasty. Rude that he didn't get in touch, especially because he was supposed to let you know how his mom's surgery went - but, after 4 months, he has shown some good traits as well.

So, maybe only put him in doghouse for one day instead of six, no?


PS - with all the talk about training and what you can and cannot train a man to do...well, no, we can't change people for the most part, but we can make clear what WE will tolerate and what we won't. Not calling because he was distracted and got busy is not necessarily an in-stone-never-going-to-change character flaw. It is something that we can work on if it bothers the other people in our lives.

 

[rebeccalj]

I agree. These are not character flaws but something to sort out with time.

Still, I went out there this afternoon, assuming that we would talk, but he had his best friend there, they were smoking BC cigarettes, which turns me off because of how different he is, and they sat and watched football. His friend talked to me more than he did.

I gather he had sent me a text long before I arrived there indicating the situation and basically said I could come out if I didn't have a problem with it. When I finally read the message I told him I am leaving. That I didn't feel comfortable. That I thought we were going to talk. That I'd rather be at home where I feel more comfortable.

Men!!!

 

[shel90]

My mom said that men and women's brains are not wired the same way so these kinds of things will happen.

I have issues with my hubby cuz his brain is not as well wired as mine!

 

[rebeccalj]

My mom said that men and women's brains are not wired the same way so these kinds of things will happen.

I have issues with my hubby cuz his brain is not as well wired as mine!

My Mum tell me that the reason this happens is that women got full brain and men got part of a brain up top and the other part of their brain is down south.

 

[MsCDukes]

I think you handled it well by making other plans. Your actions said more than you could communicate it, "You have a life and although you are interested in checking US out, your life doesn't stop for him, at least not at this time".

If it were me I would be as casual as possible and see how the ASL classes go and how that helps the relationship for better communication. I'd take it slow, treat him as if he were one of my friends.
How would you respond to one of your friends if this had happened with your girl friend? Maybe you'd be a little annoyed, but wouldn't have read into it too much.
I guess if it becomes a habit then you might confront things.
I'd say he's interested just like you, so give it some time and keep the pressure off for yourself and for him while you work out these little knots.
Good luck cause you just don't know, you may have the ingredients for a really great long-term relationship.
How do you Know if you don't take the time and check it out?

Dating hearie who knows how much communication is important to me. I didn't hear from him for almost two day (ie: text).

Thought we were to be spending weekend together at his place but never heard from him for sure if this was plan so I just went home after work and made plans with other friends to go out and watch hockey at pub instead.

I get text from him at 7 PM asking where I was and if I am okay. He say he thought I was coming over. I explain that I hadn't heard from him in almost two days so I made other plans.

I am not the kind of woman who is going to sit home pining over a man.

He has registered for ASL with me to start in about two weeks so I know he *wants* to understand how to communicate with me in my language.

I'm troubled because I feel like, typical hearie, he shuts me out. I live in near silence and the last thing I want is to be shut out. Drive me insane to be shut out.

Does anyone else experience this in a deafie/hearie relationship? How do you handle feeling "shut out?"

 

[whatdidyousay!]

My mom said that men and women's brains are not wired the same way so these kinds of things will happen.

I have issues with my hubby cuz his brain is not as well wired as mine!

My ex husband was always complaining I was playing mind games with him ,that I was too fast for him!

 

[SneakerNet]

My ex husband was always complaining I was playing mind games with him ,that I was too fast for him!

Meaning that your ex have 386 processor in his brain? That it take time for him to compute your meaning?

 

[jenniifer]

I agree. These are not character flaws but something to sort out with time.

Still, I went out there this afternoon, assuming that we would talk, but he had his best friend there, they were smoking BC cigarettes, which turns me off because of how different he is, and they sat and watched football. His friend talked to me more than he did.

I gather he had sent me a text long before I arrived there indicating the situation and basically said I could come out if I didn't have a problem with it. When I finally read the message I told him I am leaving. That I didn't feel comfortable. That I thought we were going to talk. That I'd rather be at home where I feel more comfortable.

Men!!!

hmm...bc cigarettes. never heard of it referred to like that. Another poster suggested you not pressure him, or yourself. Might be great advice. Cool it a little, pull back, give him some space. If he cares, it will get better. If he doesn't, oh well, what can you do? I remember when I was younger, always playing games, trying to get them to see things MY way, punishing them for every little thing that pissed me off in every way I could - basically trying to CHANGE them. It never works, and I just got myself all aggravated and frustrated in the process. Not saying that that is what you are doing, but maybe a little space will help for both of you.

 

[ember]

am I the only one who wonders should relationships really be that hard and complicated?

 

[whatdidyousay!]

Meaning that your ex have 386 processor in his brain? That it take time for him to compute your meaning?

My ex was could not think as fast as me! I had him ties up in knots and it made him angry at that I could out think him! He could never pull anything on me , I was always ahead of him!

 

[whatdidyousay!]

My Mum tell me that the reason this happens is that women got full brain and men got part of a brain up top and the other part of their brain is down south.

That is why guys have two heads!

 

[rebeccalj]

hmm...bc cigarettes. never heard of it referred to like that. Another poster suggested you not pressure him, or yourself. Might be great advice. Cool it a little, pull back, give him some space. If he cares, it will get better. If he doesn't, oh well, what can you do? I remember when I was younger, always playing games, trying to get them to see things MY way, punishing them for every little thing that pissed me off in every way I could - basically trying to CHANGE them. It never works, and I just got myself all aggravated and frustrated in the process. Not saying that that is what you are doing, but maybe a little space will help for both of you.

That's what we call them here since it is common.

I agree. A little space is best right now. We are both grown adults and long since past the age of game playing. He knows how I feel about drug use. I have enough on my plate with my job and two kids still at home that I don't need the emotional games.

 

[rebeccalj]

am I the only one who wonders should relationships really be that hard and complicated?

I don't see how it's complicated. Every new relationship is a growth. You either grow together, as partnership, or you grow apart. There's nothing complicated or hard in that.

 

[ember]

I don't see how it's complicated. Every new relationship is a growth. You either grow together, as partnership, or you grow apart. There's nothing complicated or hard in that.

If it was all that simple you never would have started this thread to begin with