Thursday's jokes...

[Awauphi]

How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
When her favorite sexual position is "next door"
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The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new
dentures were being made.
The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this
way:
"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second
Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I
accidentally
grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"

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What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A volcano never fakes an eruption.

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Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes......
However, having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes ......
So smokers ... Screw! Screw for your lives!

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Go on. Add some variety to your sex life; use the other hand!

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Government Office Rules

1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!

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Women are like computers even your smallest mistakes are stored
in long-term memory for later retrieval.

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A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had
and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're
eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins,
Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't
get nothin'."

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Personal ad in the newspaper

HELLO ...
YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT MY NAME IS SHAMEEKA SHAWANNA DEANDRA JOHNSON AND
I'M LOOKING FOR A MAN.
MY BABY DADDY IN JAIL FOR STEALING PAMPERS, BUT HE DID IT FOR DA
BABIES.
I GOT 6 BABIES AND I WAS REAL SKINNY BEFO I HAD DEM...NOW IT SEEM LIKE
ERRTIME I EAT, IT JUST ADD MO WEIGHT....
IT'S ALL GUUD DO. DA BRUVAS LIKE IT, CUZ I'M REAL THICK.
THEY BE LIKIN DA WAY MY TIDDIES BE HANGIN DOWN AN STUFF.
I'M LOOKIN FOR A REAL GUUD MAN THAT GOT A JOB AN A CAR AN CAN TAKE ME
AROUND TO NICE PLACES TA EAT AND STUFF.
IF YOU GOT ANY FRIENZ WHO SINGLE AND LIKE BIG GURLS...GIVE 'EM MY
E-MAIL ADDRESS AND LET HIM SEE MY PITCHER SO DAT WE CAN GET TOGEVA.

P.S.
WHOEVER HE IS, HE GOT TA BE ABLE TO LET ME SIT ON HIS FACE. I LIKE
DOIN DAT...


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Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens
the door.
One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver,
"Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters,
"Will it take ME?"

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What did the blonde say when she heard that her friend had died?
"What color?"

What did the blonde say to her new boyfriend?
Funny, but you don't taste Jewish.

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A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked

robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets
in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in
tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother.

"I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.

"Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out".
Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened
16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.

"It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee
and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."


got this via email...

 

[Awauphi]

10/13

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,"I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
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A city fellow had just moved out to the country and decided that he needed some animals, so he decided to walk up and down his road to see what his neighbors had. The first farm he came across had a bunch of chickens running in the yard. "Say farmer" the man yells, "Would you be willing to sell me one of your chickens?" The farmer replies, "Sure, but around here we don't call 'em chickens, we call 'em pullets". The man thanks the farmer for the advice and picks up the pullet and continues on down the road until he comes to the next farm where the yard is full of roosters. "Say farmer", yells the man, "Would you be willing to sell me one of your roosters?" "Sure", says the farmer, "but around here we don't call 'em roosters, we call 'em cocks". The man thanks the farmer and puts the cock under his other arm and continues walking down the road. He soon spots a farm with a herd of donkeys. "I could use one of those", he says . "Hey farmer", he yells " Would you be willing to sell me one of your donkeys?" "Sure", says the farmer "but around here we call them asses". The man takes the ass and starts leading him away when the farmer yells, "Hey,sonny, that ass is a little persnickety. If he decides to sit down all you have to do to get him up again is scratch him behind his left ear." Thanking the farmer yet again the man decides to head for home with his animals. On the way the ass decided to sit down. The man was in a bit of trouble, he had his pullet under one arm and his cock under the other. If he put one down it would surely wander off. Now it just so happened that a nun was just walking over the hill. The farmer, spying her, quickly ran up to her. "Excuse me miss," he said. "Would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?" ==============================
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?==============================
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road."I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pul lthe old 'out of gas' routine.""No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine.""The 'here after' routine what's that?", she wanted to know."If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."
==============================
What's the difference between a drug pusher and a hooker? The hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
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What do you get when you put Raggedy Ann & the Pillsbury Dough boy together? A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
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Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"
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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of hispatients.He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because hethought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors havesex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voicein his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".
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A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only shorts made from Glad Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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Blonde Moments!

The Polish Blonde....A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $150 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!" The man arched an eyebrow and asked,"Anything?" "Yes, anything!" the blonde promised. With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said, "Get on your knees." She did. Then he said, 'Take down my zipper." She did. He said, "Go ahead...take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered,"Well....go ahead!" The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly,"HELLO....MOM?"
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There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead traveling through the desert when their car suddenly stalls. They all get out of the car and, upon realizing that it's not going to start,they each take one thing from the car. The brunette takes a bottle of water, the redhead takes a bag of food with her,and the blonde takes the car door. They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest. At this point the blonde and the brunette turn to the redhead and ask her why she brought the food. She replies, "Well, in case I get hungry I'll have something to eat." They all think this is pretty reasonable and then the redhead and the blonde turn to the brunette and ask her why she decided to bring water. The brunette replies, "Well, in case I got thirsty I'll have something to drink." They all decide that's a good idea, too. Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and ask her why on earth she would take the car door. She replies,"Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down the window."
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An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

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