"The Silent Truth"

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silentnature

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This is open to anyone who can make comments and advices so I can take them and improve my writing. Please feel free to criticize!

“The Long Day”

Pleasant dreams has quietly drifted away,
As the sun lighten the gloomy color of gray.
Subconsciously, I’ve been awake inside,
Depressing thoughts has begun to subside.

As I recall all of the hazy memories of you,
Describing it like there’s a heaven in my view.
As long as it keeps on living within my heart,
The structure of my soul will never fall apart.

Still on my own without a sense of being lonely,
Trying to envision her, the one and the only.
As she ethereally appears in a delicate illusion,
I’m confident without a feeling of a delusion.

Moving on with the past holding on to my back,
With every step I take, memories have come to attack.
Made me stronger with dedication inside to the bone,
Striving for the best, alone in a place of unknown.

The sun has gone down, with shining stars peering,
The long day’s close to the end, feeling so endearing.
Slowly falling asleep to the moonlight once again,
Beyond my mind, I’ve found her waiting, Amen.
 
Last edited:
"Dazed"

Guide me through the chaos of my mind
The deception has caught me red handed
Confident that this is only a delusion
Not going to fall for this fake illusion

There are two doors in front of me
This one says,
Be damned if I do
The other says,
Be damned if I don’t
Staring at the message
First time in my life,
I’ve never been hit this hard…

Eyes wide open, realized the truth
It have perfectly described my life
Everything happens for a reason
So if it was meant to be at first,
Then it was meant to be in the end…
 
As young as you are, you do have a talent for putting together a poem, I can only see a great potential for you and your future IF you'll continue to portray vividly--feelings, insights, wisdom, encouragements, heartfelt thoughts, etc. with poetry....in the days, months and years ahead!! Very nice work... :thumb:
 
silentnature said:
This is open to anyone who can make comments and advices so I can take them and improve my writing. Please feel free to criticize!

“The Long Day”

Pleasant dreams has quietly drifted away,
As the sun lighten the gloomy color of gray.
Subconsciously, I’ve been awake inside,
Depressing thoughts has begun to subside.

As I recall all of the hazy memories of you,
Describing it like there’s a heaven in my view.
As long as it keeps on living within my heart,
The structure of my soul will never fall apart.

Still on my own without a sense of being lonely,
Trying to envision her, the one and the only.
As she ethereally appears in a delicate illusion,
I’m confident without a feeling of a delusion.

Moving on with the past holding on to my back,
With every step I take, memories have come to attack.
Made me stronger with dedication inside to the bone,
Striving for the best, alone in a place of unknown.

The sun has gone down, with shining stars peering,
The long day’s close to the end, feeling so endearing.
Slowly falling asleep to the moonlight once again,
Beyond my mind, I’ve found her waiting, Amen.
Click to expand...

Oh my gosh, your poem is so beautiful! When I read it, it gave me goose bumps! have you ever thought of publishing??
 
Allright - here's my critque:
Red text = Suggested change
Blue text = Suggested deletion

A nice poem expressing yourself, and it is also capable of touching others! I like the way you use adverbs and adjectives to describe every feeling. That sure adds a lot of dimension to your language. As for the grammar itself, it had a few errors that I'm guilty of sometimes, too. :) Keep up with the fine work!


silentnature said:
This is open to anyone who can make comments and advices so I can take them and improve my writing. Please feel free to criticize!

“The Long Day”

Pleasant dreams have quietly drifted away, (( or )) Pleasant dreams are quietly drifting away

As the sun lightens the gloomy color of gray.
Subconsciously, I’ve been awakened inside,
Depressing thoughts have begun to subside.

As I recall all of the hazy memories of you,
Describing it like there’s a heaven in my view.
As long as it keeps on living within my heart,
The structure of my soul will never fall apart.

Still on my own without a sense of being lonely,
Trying to envision her, the one and the only.
As she ethereally appears in a delicate illusion,
I’m confident without a feeling of a delusion.

Moving on with the past holding on to my back,
With every step I take, memories have come to attack.
Making me stronger with dedication inside to the bone,
Striving for the best, alone in a place of unknown.

The sun has gone down, with shining stars peering,
The long day’s close to the end, feeling so endearing.
Slowly falling asleep to the moonlight once again,
Beyond my mind, I’ve found her waiting, Amen.
Click to expand...
 
Sounds like my life, too. :thumb:

silentnature said:
"Dazed"

Guide me through the chaos of my mind
The deception has caught me red handed
Confident that this is only a delusion
Not going to fall for this fake illusion

There are two doors in front of me
This one says,
Be damned if I do
The other says,
Be damned if I don’t
Staring at the message
First time in my life,
I’ve never been hit this hard…

Eyes wide open, realizing the truth
It has perfectly described my life
Everything happens for a reason
So if it was meant to be at first,
Then it was meant to be in the end…
Click to expand...
 
Liza said:
Allright - here's my critque:
Red text = Suggested change
Blue text = Suggested deletion

A nice poem expressing yourself, and it is also capable of touching others! I like the way you use adverbs and adjectives to describe every feeling. That sure adds a lot of dimension to your language. As for the grammar itself, it had a few errors that I'm guilty of sometimes, too. :) Keep up with the fine work!
Click to expand...


Thanks! I appreciated all of your thoughts and comments about it. Please feel free to read more of my poems coming up soon.
 
corona_babe135 said:
Oh my gosh, your poem is so beautiful! When I read it, it gave me goose bumps! have you ever thought of publishing??
Click to expand...

Yes, I'm trying to work on accomplishing that dream of as now. I greatly appreciated your support, especially your comments. It only can help me to improve more. Thanks!
 
"Counting"

Counting the moments that I've spent without you
Counting the steps that I've taken without you
Counting the drops that has rained without you
Counting the clouds that has faded without you
Counting the tears that I've cried without you
Counting the laughter that I've laughed without you
Counting the hours that I’ve lost without you
...
Counting the days that I've been without you...
without you...
without you...

Counting the stars that has shone without you
Counting the memories that I’ve made without you
Counting the shooting stars that has fallen without you
Counting the waves that has broken without you
Counting the dreams that has been forgotten without you
Counting the winds that has whispered without you
Counting the desires that I've wanted without you
...
Counting the days that I've been without you...
without you...
without you...

You're a last piece of the puzzle that was lost
Now, I have to find it to put it back into in my heart
To make it all ready to begin...
ready to begin...
ready to begin...
 
“For Me”

Ever since the day we met
Knew that we’re meant for each other
One day, you never came home
Knew that I’m gonna be alone

Alone in this world, cobwebs in my heart
Don’t know what to do, while looking for you
Wondering when I’m gonna find a way
Hopeless feelings creeping all over me
It’s all over, let it be, let it be

I’m waiting everyday for you to show
I’m waiting, every second of the day
I’m waiting for you to have something to say
Still standing, in the darkness of my heart
Wondering when you’ll come for me, come for me

Did I do anything wrong in any way?
If not, why didn’t you come home to me
Are you losin’ your mind, passing the time
Just tell me why you didn’t show up for me
Left me without a chance to get know me, know me

Yet I’m waiting forever, never made up your mind
Still waiting, losing my memories fast like a cancer
Still waiting, searching everywhere for an answer
Still standing, in the darkness of my heart
Wondering when you’ll come for me, come for me
 
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