[Poem] Price

[greenrocks]

A whole soul I thought that needed protection and rejected any advice
My heart searched for your special place, my soul paid the price
As soon as I fell into your world, all I knew was pain
It hurt to leave because I was already yours to drain

I looked at you for the first time, your eyes were as hot as fire
Your face was filled with clouds like the gloomy days
Whenever I saw you, I tried to run away from the burning rays
My heart turned to ashes and fell down on the ground

A whole soul that actually needed love and faith to thrive
Your soul was worn and torn, broken and yet alive
Whenever I saw your face, it cut me like a knife
Let me come to you, because of you... my life bound

I looked at you once again, your eyes were as cold as ice
My heart was given to you, for real, I fell into your void
Whatever it was, anything for you... your command was my will
I wanted to thank you in return, I sent you the bill

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It's about a deaf friend I truly love, let alone more than blood-related love, grew up in the hearing environment till few years ago who just started becoming a different person by having an idealism in herself as a person, influenced by an older deaf, well-minded woman of 30's (also a friend of mine, #2) - thus, the deaf pride (my friend mistook my friend #2's words in her own interpretation) had been imparted in my friend meanwhile, like her, I also grew up in hearing world, we even took speech classes, but at that time I still associated with deaf people, though because of their low function, I used to be more declined to converse with deaf people due to their education. While she was trying to find her way to the deaf world, she, somehow, blended in very well with the deaf culture and community. I did, too but I remained proud of my education that I didn't take any side in either world. She often found herself frustrated with hearing people while I surpassed. I felt too much comfortable in my world, my own one, that I thought as a person I knew myself better than anyone but me but then I realized that I saw how much of a struggle had been for her to truly mainstream both the worlds on the equilibrium. I used to feel that SOME deaf people didn't do anything to defend themselves against hearing people, they allowed hearing people to run them over, that was why I started to consider them weak. She was suppressed by hearing people, even if they do or do not intend to do so to her, when I knew she could succeed much more things than she had done. I felt that she was being pulled down, like slow down. As much as I wanted to help her, (or deaf people) but I chose not to because of my selfishness where I drew a limitation to my wall to protect myself from any "harmful" things. I wished to have nothing to do with her. For I felt too much relied on, like I was her shield, I wanted to cut her off away from my life that way I won't have to worry anymore but my heart ached. I didn't know without her being "secured", I cannot live as a person that I didn't think I would ever forgive myself. So... with her, I grew to love her more and more as well as my love grew to want to have the desire to understand deaf people, because of her... that happened. I wouldn't say I am deaf pride but I am a very strong advocatee of deaf. And no, I am not bisexual or lesbian but if I were to have a husband, I would still love my friend, no more or less. I regret that I ever had silly ideas, misconcepts about deaf people. I didn't take a second glance at them or even tried to understand but I can proudly say that I do associate with deaf people now, all of the sorts, mentally-retarded, all the way from the top to bottom!

 

[Chase]

About the poem: Though I usually express myself through other writing, I study the poetic form and like many poems. I see great potential in “Price,” but I think it’s a work-in-progress, maybe only a quarter complete.

The first stanza starts off with a double internal rhyme (whole-soul and protect-reject) in two loose couplets. The image of betrayal of friendship is bright.

The other three stanzas hold good ideas, but they seem to be in more of a first-draft stage. It’s not just the haphazard rhyme. For instance, “hot as fire” and “cold as ice” are good point-counterpoint, but they need work to avoid the clichéd phrases. I like the end couplet, so in my mind, you have a terrific start and finish.

About the explanation: While it’s okay to dissect a poem to see how it succeeds or fails, I’ve always avoided the author saying “Here’s what I was trying to say.” Good poetry, like good jokes, don’t need to be explained. If you don’t get ‘em, you'd best move on.

In this case, the run-on prose often makes less sense than the better chosen words they attempt to explain. After two tries to read it, I kept getting lost when some really unflattering idea seemed to rear its head. I just gave up. Anyway, for what it's worth, I think the prose afterthought detracts from a worthwhile poem, which I hope you finish.

 

[Wokamuka]

Perhaps this poem is best expressed as how you would say it to your deaf friend. In other words, is it not best expressed via sign language? While I do find myself relating, the poem seems troubled by words.