Awauphi
Active Member
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2003
- Messages
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Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them
and asks them what they'll have?
The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll
have a glass of O Positive."
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative."
The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just
have a glass of plasma."
The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells,
"Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"
================================
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...
====================================
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this
plain but
well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent."
Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say
Thank You.
====================================
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balance
and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a
mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the
rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining
orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge
your
hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
==========================================
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...
==========================================
TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN HAVING SEX
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the
sack.
9. Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it
again.
8. The uglier you look; the more likely you'll get some.
7. You don't have to make small talk with the person who gave
you the
candy.
6. The person giving it to you isn't fantasizing you're someone
else.
5. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear a mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. You don't have to call the person that gave it to you next
week.
And the #1 reason trick-or-treating is better than having sex...
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT
DOOR!!!
==========================================
10 Least Popular Halloween Candies
10. Bit-O-Squirrel
9. Poisonettes
8. Good n' Sweaty
7. Middlefinger
6. Della Reese's Pieces
5. Clam Duds
4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg
3. Gummy Marrow
2. Ken Starrburst
1. Osmond Joy
====================================
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
======================================
What did the Dracula say to his teacher?
See you next Period!
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
=================================
A little kid walks into a city bus for a Halloween night and
sits right behind the driver and starts yelling: ''If my dad was a ghost
and my mom a ghost, I'd be a little ghost.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues
with:
''If my dad was an dracula and my mom a dracula, I would be a
little dracula.''
The kid goes on with a devil, witch, demon until the bus driver
gets angry and yells at the kid:
''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says: ''I would be a bus driver!''
=================================================
A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She
goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and,
sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
She becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out
the gun to shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief.
She puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells
"Honey, don't do it." She replies "Shut up, you're next."
========================================
What did the post card say from the blonde?
Having a good time. Where am I?
Know what you call a blonde wearing pigtails?
a blowjob with handlebars
=========================================
Peter was in bed with his best friend's wife. Just as things
were reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of
the bed, holding his head in his hands.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" his partner asked.
"I feel just like a regular son-of-a-bitch, getting some of my
best friend's pussy," the man moaned.
"Well," she soothed, patting his back, "you can stop worrying.
You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five inches deeper."
Got this via email
and asks them what they'll have?
The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll
have a glass of O Positive."
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative."
The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just
have a glass of plasma."
The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells,
"Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"
================================
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...
====================================
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this
plain but
well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent."
Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say
Thank You.
====================================
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balance
and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a
mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the
rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining
orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge
your
hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
==========================================
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...
==========================================
TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN HAVING SEX
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the
sack.
9. Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it
again.
8. The uglier you look; the more likely you'll get some.
7. You don't have to make small talk with the person who gave
you the
candy.
6. The person giving it to you isn't fantasizing you're someone
else.
5. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear a mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. You don't have to call the person that gave it to you next
week.
And the #1 reason trick-or-treating is better than having sex...
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT
DOOR!!!
==========================================
10 Least Popular Halloween Candies
10. Bit-O-Squirrel
9. Poisonettes
8. Good n' Sweaty
7. Middlefinger
6. Della Reese's Pieces
5. Clam Duds
4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg
3. Gummy Marrow
2. Ken Starrburst
1. Osmond Joy
====================================
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
======================================
What did the Dracula say to his teacher?
See you next Period!
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
=================================
A little kid walks into a city bus for a Halloween night and
sits right behind the driver and starts yelling: ''If my dad was a ghost
and my mom a ghost, I'd be a little ghost.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues
with:
''If my dad was an dracula and my mom a dracula, I would be a
little dracula.''
The kid goes on with a devil, witch, demon until the bus driver
gets angry and yells at the kid:
''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says: ''I would be a bus driver!''
=================================================
A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She
goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and,
sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
She becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out
the gun to shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief.
She puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells
"Honey, don't do it." She replies "Shut up, you're next."
========================================
What did the post card say from the blonde?
Having a good time. Where am I?
Know what you call a blonde wearing pigtails?
a blowjob with handlebars
=========================================
Peter was in bed with his best friend's wife. Just as things
were reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of
the bed, holding his head in his hands.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" his partner asked.
"I feel just like a regular son-of-a-bitch, getting some of my
best friend's pussy," the man moaned.
"Well," she soothed, patting his back, "you can stop worrying.
You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five inches deeper."
Got this via email