Awauphi
Active Member
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2003
- Messages
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
=======================================
Forty-three percent of all Americans say that immigration is a serious problem.
The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés"
=================================
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
=======================================
Chip Off The Block
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing
with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in
my footsteps!
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?
=======================================
Bear on the roof
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers".
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
What are you going to do? the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof; then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
========================================
THE MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
========================================
It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
----- Comedian George Lindsey
========================================
A study says motorists on cell phone are more stressed than motorists not on cell phones.
This raises an important sociological question. There are motorists not on cell phones?
===================================
The $20 Challenge
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive
stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you
want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along
with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
said.... "Clean my house."
====================================
25 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.
After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said,
"Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50 year Old Woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond,
and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed . . .
I shut up and took out the trash.
======================================
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands,
looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five . . . six . . . put me down for Four."
=======================================
THE LAWYER
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!"
=============================
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
15. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And Finally:
An East Texas couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went
to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked
them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband
replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children
being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby
because neither of them could speak Spanish.
got this via email..
in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
=======================================
Forty-three percent of all Americans say that immigration is a serious problem.
The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés"
=================================
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
=======================================
Chip Off The Block
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing
with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in
my footsteps!
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?
=======================================
Bear on the roof
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers".
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
What are you going to do? the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof; then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
========================================
THE MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
========================================
It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
----- Comedian George Lindsey
========================================
A study says motorists on cell phone are more stressed than motorists not on cell phones.
This raises an important sociological question. There are motorists not on cell phones?
===================================
The $20 Challenge
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive
stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you
want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along
with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
said.... "Clean my house."
====================================
25 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.
After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said,
"Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50 year Old Woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond,
and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed . . .
I shut up and took out the trash.
======================================
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands,
looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five . . . six . . . put me down for Four."
=======================================
THE LAWYER
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!"
=============================
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
15. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And Finally:
An East Texas couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went
to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked
them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband
replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children
being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby
because neither of them could speak Spanish.
got this via email..
