Deaf vs. HOH/deaf oralist: What would you do when...

katz4life

katz4life

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Suppose you as Deaf person and your friend as Hard of hearing or Deaf oralist who speaks and lipreading well better than you do, you two go eating out at a restaurant and when you two plan to order foods to the waitress but all of a sudden your HOH or deaf oralist friend takes over your order to the waitress for you since s/he thinks you cannot do it yourself by ordering what you want. What would you do?

For me, I would SNAP at her/him. And that require me a long blunt lecture how bigheaded s/he is, point it out at her/his audist and oppression act towards me as a Deaf person. I don't give a damn if scenario embarrass her/him...it's two-way streets. Like it or not.
 
Erm that's a very good point katz4life :hmm: In that situation I think I would definately say to my friend that I know they probably meant well but I can do it myself. If they were a friend though would you not think they would know you well enough not to do that?
 
Not necessarily always. It could be anyone - recent new friend, from ASL meet-up, coffee chat, or such. Sometimes a longtime deaf oralist/hoh friend don't think twice.

Ignorance is still bliss...
 
As a oralist deaf myself, I think it is very rude for them to take your order for you. I know you are capable. Sometimes waitresses do put us in odd positions by asking us what they want. It could be your friend or it could be the waitress who find it convenience to ask your friend instead of you.


I avoid ordering anyway, I never get what I want everytime I order so I've been using my husband. Lately, I've been using pen and papers because even my husband doesn't get my orders right. it is so much better with pens and papers.
 
As an oral deaf, it is a matter of thinking before you act, careful consideration of what your fellow deaf friend would prefer. This is just common sense and common courtesy. Common sense that if your friend wanted your help he/she would have asked for it. And courtesy in considering the consequences that your actions might bring on your friend such as making him/her feel inferior, and publicly embarassing him/her.
 
This happens to me regularly. When I am in this istuation, I ask the lady (deaf/HOH/hearing) if she would like for me to order for us or would she want to order for herself. Problem solved!
 
katz4life said:
Not necessarily always. It could be anyone - recent new friend, from ASL meet-up, coffee chat, or such. Sometimes a longtime deaf oralist/hoh friend don't think twice.

Ignorance is still bliss...
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In my opinion, you should not fault someone for ignorance. That is the chance to teach them. Now if they continue after being taught then it is no longer ignorance and you can draw certian conclusions about them based on their actions.
 
As a Deaf oral I had few requests when my deaf friends asks me to relay for them. I never butt in and speak for them.
 
I always make it clear I order first. Because once they speak, and I try to order, and the waiter will always look at the oral person for help.
 
So true, PFH. Good strategy.

I find that whenever I cannot catch what the person is saying and have turned to my hearing family for clarification (this is why I rarely go anywhere alone), the person then starts relaying through them. It is most annoying but it seems an automatic reaction.
 
My 4YO LOVES to order her own food. She does so with great confidence -- usually verbally, sometimes with sign -- and if the waiter doesn't quite understand what she's requesting and looks to me or my husband for clarity, we just 'give focus' back to Li-Li (we look at her, not at the waiter), and she'll matter of factly sign her order very slowly and expressively.


This is an issue many women in business situations are familiar with. I worked at a company in a male-dominated industry in which the CEO was a woman. She shared this advice with us. While she was working her way up the ladder, clients often addressed the men on the team, even if they were much more junior than she was. Her solution was to explain this to the men on her team, and direct them to respond by simply looking at her, when asked a question. The client would always then look at her, and she'd answer. It was a gentle, yet very direct way of making the point, showing her respect, and yet not bringing the issue up verbally, which would have undermined the relationships that were being forged.

Makes sense to enlist the support of your friends, colleagues, dining companions as partners in this effort in advance, while deciding on your order, rather than take them to task in front of the waiter or other diners, which could make everyone feel awful and make you have to face the situation of being stepped on once again.
 
I agree in principle but you would have to make sure everyone was agreeable, worth a try! :aw:
 
GrendelQ said:
My 4YO LOVES to order her own food. She does so with great confidence -- usually verbally, sometimes with sign -- and if the waiter doesn't quite understand what she's requesting and looks to me or my husband for clarity, we just 'give focus' back to Li-Li (we look at her, not at the waiter), and she'll matter of factly sign her order very slowly and expressively.


This is an issue many women in business situations are familiar with. I worked at a company in a male-dominated industry in which the CEO was a woman. She shared this advice with us. While she was working her way up the ladder, clients often addressed the men on the team, even if they were much more junior than she was. Her solution was to explain this to the men on her team, and direct them to respond by simply looking at her, when asked a question. The client would always then look at her, and she'd answer. It was a gentle, yet very direct way of making the point, showing her respect, and yet not bringing the issue up verbally, which would have undermined the relationships that were being forged.

Makes sense to enlist the support of your friends, colleagues, dining companions as partners in this effort in advance, while deciding on your order, rather than take them to task in front of the waiter or other diners, which could make everyone feel awful and make you have to face the situation of being stepped on once again.
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Noteworthy advice, Thank you. :ty:
 
My hearing mother would repeat what was addressed to me if she noticed that I didn't catch it. She would repeat it to me in such a way that it would not embarass me so I could respond myself. I am forever thankful to her for that.
 
LOL I love katz's snappy talking!

It happens too often for me. sometimes they ask me if i want them to order for me. I answer, "no thanks i will order, no problem". sometimes they did not ask me until the waitress comes to us, and then they ask me what knd of food, i simply show the meau book to the waitnress.
 
posts from hell said:
I always make it clear I order first. Because once they speak, and I try to order, and the waiter will always look at the oral person for help.
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lol yeah that would work. I simply show the waitress the menu book that they couldn't see what i was ordering. ha!
 
What if the waitress is blind taking an order from a seeing deaf person that can not speak? :hmm:
 
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