Awauphi
Active Member
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2003
- Messages
- 10,225
- Reaction score
- 3
A woman with PMS and ESP is
A Bitch who knows everything....
======================================================================
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer... TWICE!
======================================================================
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground instead of the usual six
feet?
Because deep down, they are really good people.
======================================================================
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for your
age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went
out to the reception room and said:
"Jake do we still have intercourse?"
Jake answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told you a
thousand times... We have blue cross !!"
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence,
a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a
nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you
do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
======================================================================
What would you call 3.1416 vaginas?
Hair pi.
Why is it so hard for a women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese?
======================================================================
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
======================================================================
Stress Management
Mentally picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the
crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows
this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place
called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the
face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.
There now.......feeling better?
======================================================================
What's blue and purple and the size of a cocktail weenie?
Rosie O'Donnell's clit after she walks up a flight of stairs
What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you
======================================================================
Blonde Moments!
The blonde woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed
way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in
picking lemons?"
"Well, ... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been
divorced three times."
======================================================================
Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses?
So they wouldn't shit during the parade.
======================================================================
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She
recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting
on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds
are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She
holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire.
A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds
are left on the wire?"
"None!" the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird,
he scared the other two away." "Well," she says, "it's not
technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There
are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles.
One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the
popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?"
he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed
in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said
impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and
one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied,
"the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring
on. But I like the way you think!"
A Bitch who knows everything....
======================================================================
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer... TWICE!
======================================================================
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground instead of the usual six
feet?
Because deep down, they are really good people.
======================================================================
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for your
age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went
out to the reception room and said:
"Jake do we still have intercourse?"
Jake answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told you a
thousand times... We have blue cross !!"
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence,
a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a
nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you
do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
======================================================================
What would you call 3.1416 vaginas?
Hair pi.
Why is it so hard for a women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese?
======================================================================
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
======================================================================
Stress Management
Mentally picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the
crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows
this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place
called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the
face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.
There now.......feeling better?
======================================================================
What's blue and purple and the size of a cocktail weenie?
Rosie O'Donnell's clit after she walks up a flight of stairs
What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you
======================================================================
Blonde Moments!
The blonde woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed
way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in
picking lemons?"
"Well, ... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been
divorced three times."
======================================================================
Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses?
So they wouldn't shit during the parade.
======================================================================
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She
recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting
on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds
are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She
holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire.
A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds
are left on the wire?"
"None!" the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird,
he scared the other two away." "Well," she says, "it's not
technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There
are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles.
One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the
popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?"
he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed
in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said
impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and
one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied,
"the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring
on. But I like the way you think!"
That's good bunch of jokes. 
