Guns don't kill people. Rahm Emanuel kills People.
# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Rahm Emanuel allows to live.
# Rahm Emanuel does not sleep. He waits.
# The chief export of Rahm Emanuel is Pain.
# Rahm Emanuel has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
# The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Rahm Emanuel 3. Cancer.
# Rahm Emanuel drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
# Rahm Emanuel doesn't go hunting.... Rahm Emanuel GOES KILLING.
# Rahm Emanuel uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)
# Rahm Emanuel once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
# Crop circles are Rahm Emanuel' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
# Rahm Emanuel is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
# The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Rahm Emanuel out. It failed miserably.
# Contrary to popular belief, Rahm Emanuel, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
# Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Rahm Emanuel has 72... and they're all poisonous.
# If you ask Rahm Emanuel what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
# Rahm Emanuel drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
# When Rahm Emanuel sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Rahm Emanuel has not had to pay taxes, ever.
# The quickest way to a man's heart is with Rahm Emanuel' fist.
# Rahm Emanuel invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
# CNN was originally created as the "Rahm Emanuel Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
# Rahm Emanuel can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
# There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Rahm Emanuel allows to live.
# Rahm Emanuel once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
# What was going through the minds of all of Rahm Emanuel' victims before they died? His shoe.
# Rahm Emanuel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
# Police label anyone attacking Rahm Emanuel as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
# Rahm Emanuel doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
# Rahm Emanuel doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
# A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rahm Emanuel and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
# Rahm Emanuel will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
# Someone once videotaped Rahm Emanuel getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
# If you spell Rahm Emanuel in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
# Rahm Emanuel originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
# Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Rahm Emanuel once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
# The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Rahm Emanuel played in second grade.
# Rahm Emanuel once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
# Rahm Emanuel once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Rahm Emanuel re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
# Rahm Emanuel has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
# Someone once tried to tell Rahm Emanuel that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
# Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Rahm Emanuel once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
# Rahm Emanuel is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Rahm Emanuel.
# Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Rahm Emanuel's warm-up exercises.
# Rahm Emanuel is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
# In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Rahm Emanuel turned that wine into beer.
# Rahm Emanuel can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
# Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Rahm Emanuel.
# Rahm Emanuel discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Rahm Emanuel is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Rahm Emanuel roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
# Rahm Emanuel doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
# The Rahm Emanuel military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Rahm Emanuel could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rahm Emanuel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
# According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Rahm Emanuel walks.
# Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
# When Rahm Emanuel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
# There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Rahm Emanuel has breathed on.
# Rahm Emanuel once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Rahm Emanuel won by 5.
# Rahm Emanuel was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
# Rahm Emanuel sheds his skin twice a year.
* When Rahm Emanuel calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
* Rahm Emanuel once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
* Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Rahm Emanuel likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
* There are no races, only countries of people Rahm Emanuel has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
* When Rahm Emanuel was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
* Rahm Emanuel can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
* A Rahm Emanuel-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
* When Rahm Emanuel falls in water, Rahm Emanuel doesn't get wet. Water gets Rahm Emanuel.
* Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Rahm Emanuel Roundhouse Kick)
* Rahm Emanuel’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
* How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Rahm Emanuel? ...All of it.
* Rahm Emanuel doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
* In honor of Rahm Emanuel, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
* Rahm Emanuel CAN believe it's not butter.
* If tapped, a Rahm Emanuel roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
* Rahm Emanuel can divide by zero.
* The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Rahm Emanuel has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
* A picture is worth a thousand words. A Rahm Emanuel is worth 1 billion words.
* Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Rahm Emanuel roundhouse kick.
* Rahm Emanuel invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
* When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Rahm Emanuel just to be on the safe side.
* While urinating, Rahm Emanuel is easily capable of welding titanium.
* Rahm Emanuel once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
* When Rahm Emanuel talks, everybody listens. And dies.
* When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Rahm Emanuel kills a ninja, he uses every part.
* Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Rahm Emanuel to go around.
* Rahm Emanuel doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Rahm Emanuel is Rahm Emanuel.
* For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Rahm Emanuel, each testicle is larger than the other one.
* Rahm Emanuel always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
* When taking the SAT, write "Rahm Emanuel" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
* Rahm Emanuel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
* When you're Rahm Emanuel, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
* Rahm Emanuel has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
* On his birthday, Rahm Emanuel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
* Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Rahm Emanuel.
* Rahm Emanuel doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Rahm Emanuel throws down!
* In the beginning there was nothing...then Rahm Emanuel Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
* Rahm Emanuel has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
* Rahm Emanuel grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
* Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Rahm Emanuel"
* Rahm Emanuel ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
* Rahm Emanuel and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
* If you Google search "Rahm Emanuel getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
* Rahm Emanuel can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
* Little known medical fact: Rahm Emanuel invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
* Rahm Emanuel doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
* The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Rahm Emanuel. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
* It takes Rahm Emanuel 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
* You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Rahm Emanuel will find you and kill you.
* Rahm Emanuel has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
* The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rahm Emanuel Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
* There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Rahm Emanuel lives in Oklahoma.
* Rahm Emanuel doesn't believe in Germany.
* When Rahm Emanuel is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
* Rahm Emanuel once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
* James Cameron wanted Rahm Emanuel to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
* Rahm Emanuel can touch MC Hammer.
* Thousands of years ago Rahm Emanuel came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
* Rahm Emanuel played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
* It takes 14 puppeteers to make Rahm Emanuel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
That description of Emanuel seems to be a list of all the attributes that liberals despise in conservatives.