What would you say?

[DeafAlex]

I don't post much outside of the HA/CI forum because I don't have much time, but need some "advice." I read here and you guys seem really quick on your feet and good with words. So I wanted to ask what would be your response in a situation like these?

Back story: M runs the tutoring center at my college, where I tutor ASL. S coordinates appointments and such. I have a casual relationship with both. I hang out in the tutoring center to kill time, we joke, talk, etc. M is really good at always looking at me when she speaks, and getting my attention before speaking. S isn't; she is constantly forgetting (annoying but not the point of this post) and so other tutors or M are always telling her to get my attention, or telling her she looked down or away while she was talking.

Situation 1: I am talking with S. She is sitting at her desk, and I am leaning on the counter in front of her desk. I was speaking about something that was on her desk, and when I began my sentence, I looked down at the item as a visual cue. When I looked up, S was telling me I needed to look at her face when I'm talking, she has to look at mine! I was very taken a-back and am pretty sure I stuttered and stumbled trying to formulate a response. 3 other tutors were standing there, one of whom is fluent in ASL (hearing) and involved with the Deaf community. She and I met eyes and both gave each other a shocked look, like "WTF?!" The other 2 tutors just got quiet and stared. I tried explaining why I looked away from S, but then switched because I decided it didn't matter why I looked away. I started explaining that it's different for me to look away while talking to her, than the other way around, because she doesn't need me to look at her for her to understand me. She thought she was so funny and witty and kept harping on it; how I am constantly telling her to look at me when she talks but I don't have to! Eventually it ended when she asked "You can take a joke, right?!" I said "Yeah..." while thinking "But that was NOT a joke!" It ended very awkwardly and never came up again.

Situation 2: April Fools Day. (quick background; I just got my CI activated 2 weeks ago, so can hear now) I'm sitting on the floor eating my lunch, and M gets my attention and asks me, with no voice "What did you do for Spring Break?" I was confused as to why she didn't use her voice, because that cued to me that she was going to ask me something she didn't want anyone else to hear. I shrugged it off and started answering her, when my brain started jumping to loud sounds. I then realized M and S were busting out laughing. I got a puzzled look on my face, and M says "April Fools!" Still confused, she then said "I didn't use my voice!" I responded with "I know you didn't, I can hear now..." I didn't see the humor at all and just went back to eating my lunch.

So, what do you say in situations like this? Do you educate them? Do you tell them off? Do you do what I did and just let it go but hold a grudge inside (haha)? My Mom actually went up there today and gave M a "talkin' to" about it (S wasn't there). M is very apologetic and told me to always tell her if she crosses the line. I know she didn't mean it in a hurtful way, but it was definitely rude. Just looking to see what other people would have done, as these are just 2 examples of many "WTF?!" moments I've had with hearies lately.

 

[NitroHonda]

I don't post much outside of the HA/CI forum because I don't have much time, but need some "advice." I read here and you guys seem really quick on your feet and good with words. So I wanted to ask what would be your response in a situation like these?

Back story: M runs the tutoring center at my college, where I tutor ASL. S coordinates appointments and such. I have a casual relationship with both. I hang out in the tutoring center to kill time, we joke, talk, etc. M is really good at always looking at me when she speaks, and getting my attention before speaking. S isn't; she is constantly forgetting (annoying but not the point of this post) and so other tutors or M are always telling her to get my attention, or telling her she looked down or away while she was talking.

Situation 1: I am talking with S. She is sitting at her desk, and I am leaning on the counter in front of her desk. I was speaking about something that was on her desk, and when I began my sentence, I looked down at the item as a visual cue. When I looked up, S was telling me I needed to look at her face when I'm talking, she has to look at mine! I was very taken a-back and am pretty sure I stuttered and stumbled trying to formulate a response. 3 other tutors were standing there, one of whom is fluent in ASL (hearing) and involved with the Deaf community. She and I met eyes and both gave each other a shocked look, like "WTF?!" The other 2 tutors just got quiet and stared. I tried explaining why I looked away from S, but then switched because I decided it didn't matter why I looked away. I started explaining that it's different for me to look away while talking to her, than the other way around, because she doesn't need me to look at her for her to understand me. She thought she was so funny and witty and kept harping on it; how I am constantly telling her to look at me when she talks but I don't have to! Eventually it ended when she asked "You can take a joke, right?!" I said "Yeah..." while thinking "But that was NOT a joke!" It ended very awkwardly and never came up again.

Situation 2: April Fools Day. (quick background; I just got my CI activated 2 weeks ago, so can hear now) I'm sitting on the floor eating my lunch, and M gets my attention and asks me, with no voice "What did you do for Spring Break?" I was confused as to why she didn't use her voice, because that cued to me that she was going to ask me something she didn't want anyone else to hear. I shrugged it off and started answering her, when my brain started jumping to loud sounds. I then realized M and S were busting out laughing. I got a puzzled look on my face, and M says "April Fools!" Still confused, she then said "I didn't use my voice!" I responded with "I know you didn't, I can hear now..." I didn't see the humor at all and just went back to eating my lunch.

So, what do you say in situations like this? Do you educate them? Do you tell them off? Do you do what I did and just let it go but hold a grudge inside (haha)? My Mom actually went up there today and gave M a "talkin' to" about it (S wasn't there). M is very apologetic and told me to always tell her if she crosses the line. I know she didn't mean it in a hurtful way, but it was definitely rude. Just looking to see what other people would have done, as these are just 2 examples of many "WTF?!" moments I've had with hearies lately.

I'd kick the living snot out of them.

 

[In A Cloud...]

I would pull her aside when nobody else is around and gently let her know how it makes you feel.

 

[Bottesini]

I follow along with NitroHonda. People don't usually want to mess with me twice. Not really physically, but I get my point across. You don't have to put up with that.

 

[green427]

After working in the private industry for 25+ years, the way I see it, there are 2 kinds of people that do stuff like that: The ones that want to be funny (and think what they do is funny and harmless), and the ones that need an audience to boost their ego while mocking.

Usually I can tell who is trying to be funny and who really wants to be a dickhead.

The outcome will depend on how you react. You have several choices here: Criticize them and risk losing that casual relationship you currently have? Put up with their dry humor and eventually get used to it?

I told one person that I don't mind if he mocks me in my face, but he needs to be mindful of stepping over the line. Turns out he does not know where that line is. Sounds like both M and S need to know where that line is.

Also, be mindful of how you joke around with them. It is not fair if we make fun of hearing people and get offended when they make fun of us.

Lastly, trust me, if you worked with blue-collar rednecks, you would embrace M and S's dry humor with open arms.

 

[dereksbicycles]

If you ever bought a car with turbocharged engine, you'll get # of people telling you that you're stupid for buying a car with turbocharged engine. Others may tell you---"My turbocharged engine is better than yours. You're stupid to think you can go fast with this one. Try to laugh a little bit. Show some sense of humor. Haha.

 

[DeafAlex]

Thanks everyone! I haven't seen them since my Mom talked to M, but M did email me to apologize and to tell me to tell her if she ever crosses the line. I think things turned out well. Now to tackle all the misconceptions by people in my everyday life...

 

[Frisky Feline]

That's a good thing for you to be here and ask some questions. Next time, it is your turn to speak your own mind, without mom's help. It is part of your life that needs confrontation then you will get use to stand your own mind constantly showing people that you are not helpless. I can see that you do have mind.

glad things work out for now.

 

[tuatara]

Sorry to hear you have to deal with this garbage. From what they did, M and S both sound like a complete waste of human tissue. But from the rest of your story, especially how she responded after you mom talked to her, M sounds like she has some potential. S maybe not so much.

And your story gave me a really familiar feeling. People are taking advantage of a situation in a really creepy way, doing stupid immature things they shouldn't and causing you needless stress in the process. And you feel stuck, like you need some brilliant response you don't have, something that will show them what dunces they're acting like, but in a way that will allow you to look sophisticated and amazing and with a wicked sense of humor. And one that will improve the situation.

And there's no way you can come up with anything like that because (1) that's really hard to do and (2) you're (understandably) upset, which makes it hard to be creative and brilliant and solve annoying problems.

What I have found:

If I'm in this kind of situation, the best thing I can do is (1) try to back away emotionally as much as I can, (2) give myself some time to calm down (3) when I'm feeling up to it, think hard about what all I want to accomplish when/if I say something, and (4) pay attention to everything that happens around me.

Sometimes, eventually, you'll find an opportunity. That brilliant line will come to you - there'll be a perfect situation that lets you get your point across in a way that makes everyone laugh hysterically at S's obviously hideous behavior. And you can nail it. But you have to be patient in waiting for the opportunity. And you have to think about what you want to accomplish and play around with it in your head. I really really hope you get to do this.

And everything I've said above is about an interaction that would happen in front of everyone. (or enough other people to be effective.) This is not about a private heart-to-heart talk - you can do that anytime, as long as you're prepared as far as what you want to say and you find a good time to have the conversation. M sounds really ready for that kind of thing, again, S not so much. I hope someday she acquires a little depth and decency (I'd call it growing up except there are too many adults who've never done it) and becomes able to process some of the stuff she needs to learn.