Speaking For Me...how Can I Make Her Stop?

iMaisie

Resident Glaswegian
<< I had no idea where to put this, so feel free to move it, Admins. >>

Okay so, does anyone else's spouse speak for them? I am perfectly capable of speaking for myself but if I happen to miss something that someone has said, instead of my girlfriend waiting for me to ask what they said, she jumps in and answers the question for me.

I get that she's just trying to be helpful but honestly, it doesn't help me in the long run.

I've told her many a time but she just doesn't seem to get it and thinks 'Oh I'm just helping you. That's all.'

Oh, and she's hearing by the way.

Anyone else have this problem? :pissed:


EDIT: Oh, and well done Maisie for messing up the title :squint:
 

zephren

Active Member
Yes, I have had this issue with my wife trying to "help" by speaking for me. Although we had talked about it in the past it kept happening. Recently I put it in different terms that seems to finally get the message through to her. I said that while I am OK with her being my ears when I need it I do not want her to be my voice. I told her how it is humiliating and disempowering to have someone speak for me as if I am not capable of speaking for myself. I gave some specific examples of where it was embarrassing, where she spoke for me saying something totally different from what I wanted to say, and how sometimes when I say nothing that is my response. There are times when I say No you cannot come with me when I am go places because of this. While there is the momentary lapse she is much more conscious of it and waits for me to ask if I need her assistance.
 

iMaisie

Resident Glaswegian
Yes, I have had this issue with my wife trying to "help" by speaking for me. Although we had talked about it in the past it kept happening. Recently I put it in different terms that seems to finally get the message through to her. I said that while I am OK with her being my ears when I need it I do not want her to be my voice. I told her how it is humiliating and disempowering to have someone speak for me as if I am not capable of speaking for myself. I gave some specific examples of where it was embarrassing, where she spoke for me saying something totally different from what I wanted to say, and how sometimes when I say nothing that is my response. There are times when I say No you cannot come with me when I am go places because of this. While there is the momentary lapse she is much more conscious of it and waits for me to ask if I need her assistance.
I wish I could find a way to get through to her like you have. I just need to find the right things to say.
I agree completely with everything you said though. I definitely do not want her being my voice and there has been times I've dreaded her coming with me for that specific reason.
 

whatdidyousay!

Well-Known Member
I wish I could find a way to get through to her like you have. I just need to find the right things to say.
I agree completely with everything you said though. I definitely do not want her being my voice and there has been times I've dreaded her coming with me for that specific reason.
If this happen when you both eat out you could say her since she is going to be doing all the talking how about doing all the paying too!
 

DeafDucky

Well-Known Member
Saying "since you are doing all the talking how about you doing all the paying" might be the quickest way to get her mad at you when it's the last thing you really want- and probably still won't solve the problem. Maybe that would work for SOME people but sounds like it probably won't work for you Maisie (but that's my observation).

I don't know what else could work except for a role reversal maybe. Setting up a situation where you speak for her every time she is about to. I've not had that experience.. yet-or that I can remember so wouldn't be a lot of help lol.
 

AlleyCat

Well-Known Member
If this happen when you both eat out you could say her since she is going to be doing all the talking how about doing all the paying too!
You, WDYS (and not Maisie) are so ridiculous. Why do you always use anger as an avenue for "fixing" things? Paying does nothing to help a very real situation, and I wish I had a better answer for Maisie, but I don't, and I'm not going to resort to angry posts, WDYS, as an option.
 
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Bottesini

Old Deaf Ranter
Premium Member
I think every time she does it, just say "no, this is what I think. ". It won't be rewarding for her anymore , and she won't continue. You just have to be firm and consistent. Correct her every single time she jumps in to answer for you.
 

Reba

Retired Terp
Premium Member
I don't know the best technique to use but whatever you do, do it immediately and consistently. This behavior has to be nipped in the bud or it will escalate and cause division in your relationship.
 

whatdidyousay!

Well-Known Member
How do the two of you get along otherwise , I mean does your g/f try to run your life all time ? If you had told her how much you don't like it and she keep doing it
I can't help but get the feeling she think deaf people can't made it on their own. You really need to have a talk with your g/f and find out why she feel the needs to
keep speaking for you when she you don't think it. Good luck .
 

iMaisie

Resident Glaswegian
If this happen when you both eat out you could say her since she is going to be doing all the talking how about doing all the paying too!
Saying "since you are doing all the talking how about you doing all the paying" might be the quickest way to get her mad at you when it's the last thing you really want- and probably still won't solve the problem. Maybe that would work for SOME people but sounds like it probably won't work for you Maisie (but that's my observation).

I don't know what else could work except for a role reversal maybe. Setting up a situation where you speak for her every time she is about to. I've not had that experience.. yet-or that I can remember so wouldn't be a lot of help lol.
You, WDYS (and not Maisie) are so ridiculous. Why do you always use anger as an avenue for "fixing" things? Paying does nothing to help a very real situation, and I wish I had a better answer for Maisie, but I don't, and I'm not going to resort to angry posts, WDYS, as an option.
Like AlleyCat, and DeafDucky were saying, unfortunately that response would more than likely cause a fight not to mention it's a little rude.

I do see what you're saying on the roles reversal front. I could attempt to speak for her one time, she could get the message that way. That's interesting, I'll think about that.
 

iMaisie

Resident Glaswegian
I think every time she does it, just say "no, this is what I think. ". It won't be rewarding for her anymore , and she won't continue. You just have to be firm and consistent. Correct her every single time she jumps in to answer for you.
I don't know the best technique to use but whatever you do, do it immediately and consistently. This behavior has to be nipped in the bud or it will escalate and cause division in your relationship.
Agreed. It just seems so harsh to correct her all the time but it's like you said, Reba; I don't really want this to come between us.
 

iMaisie

Resident Glaswegian
How do the two of you get along otherwise , I mean does your g/f try to run your life all time ? If you had told her how much you don't like it and she keep doing it
I can't help but get the feeling she think deaf people can't made it on their own. You really need to have a talk with your g/f and find out why she feel the needs to
keep speaking for you when she you don't think it. Good luck .
We get along okay. I'm teaching her to sign too so it's frustrating at times. My girlfriend is very passionate about things she feels strongly about so she can be a little intimidating and needs to have her opinion heard. Which I'm thankful she's not a fast signer for :bowlol:

I don't really have many friends in Scotland unlike in the states so she hasn't been around many other deafies except me. So that might be tied into it considering the friends I do have are single and do struggle sometimes to communicate in spoken English as unlike me they did not have speech therapy as a child.

I do think we need to have a serious talk though before a big blowout fight happens.
 

Calvin

In Hazzard County
Super Moderator
Premium Member
You could tell her "I can handle this myself, If I need your help speaking for me I will let you know" Sometimes it's nice that she cares about you to help you out which is good thing. If you want to do on your own, reassure her that you rather want to be independent in communication with other people, if you get stumped you can have her help you make it clear understanding.

Hope that works out for you both. :)
 

whatdidyousay!

Well-Known Member
Like AlleyCat, and DeafDucky were saying, unfortunately that response would more than likely cause a fight not to mention it's a little rude.

I do see what you're saying on the roles reversal front. I could attempt to speak for her one time, she could get the message that way. That's interesting, I'll think about that.
Agreed. It just seems so harsh to correct her all the time but it's like you said, Reba; I don't really want this to come between us.
Good luck ! I think you need to tell this to your g/f so she'll understand how strongly you feel about . I totally get how you feel about this . I hate people speaking for me if I miss hearing someone . Your g/f is not a mind read and can't know what you're thinking.
 
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sparrow2

Member
I think it depends on what is motivating your wife or g/f to speak for you. I was very much in love w/my guy friend, and I tuned into his behavior, and would speak for him. I thought I was helping him. It was automatic, and I would do it without thinking.

As a hearing person, I loved him as a person first, and him being deaf didn't bother me. At the same time, I knew nothing of Deaf culture, and relied entirely on him to guide me, and tell me what he needed. He never told me, and I never knew.

I think you have done a good thing by telling her what you need. If she's tuned into your behavior and speaks for you automatically without thinking, maybe the next time, in public, touch her arm gently and tell her I can handle this.......it might help her see that you want to speak for yourself.
 

sonocativo

Well-Known Member
Change your Pro's to Con's... Lets say you go to eat and she hnows what you like there and orders, let her, then say no Ill have XX xxx XxXx ( something completely different) and do it all night every day ! She will get the hint when nothing she says is right anymore. Eventually shell say, you order ( or whatever ) since Nothing is ever right anymore lol

OR dont invite to go along, and when asked, simply say.
 

whatdidyousay!

Well-Known Member
Change your Pro's to Con's... Lets say you go to eat and she hnows what you like there and orders, let her, then say no Ill have XX xxx XxXx ( something completely different) and do it all night every day ! She will get the hint when nothing she says is right anymore. Eventually shell say, you order ( or whatever ) since Nothing is ever right anymore lol

OR dont invite to go along, and when asked, simply say.
The OP could say he is forgetting how to talk b/c she is doing all the talking for him , or the OP could say they feel like they're in a real bad ventriloquist act and
tried as being treated as wooden puppet.
 

whatdidyousay!

Well-Known Member
The OP could say they're forgetting how to talk b/c she is doing all the talking for them , or the OP could say they feel like they're in a real bad ventriloquist act and
tried as being treated as wooden puppet.
 

AlleyCat

Well-Known Member
I say give this thread a rest. I think the majority of us here have given thoughts and insights as to how the OP should handle this. Every relationship is different and unless you live in their closet or bedroom, you don't really know the dynamics. Bottom line, talking to the girlfriend about how the OP feels is a starting point. And if that relationship fails as a result, then it wasn't meant to be because that would be indicative the girlfriend wanted to be dominant over "her deaf girlfriend who needs help!" That will just not work. So been there and done that, not in a girlfriend-girlfriend scenario, but otherwise.
 
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