School and trans

Oliver

Active Member
I'm openly trans to everyone and go by male pronouns and by my name Oliver. Only problem, my family is transphobic and homophobic So I can't tell them. Well at school registered by my female name and female which makes since since my family doesn't know and if they did they would still register me as female. If I come out at school to teachers or something could they at least call me by male pronouns and by my name? Or will they question and tell my family.
 

Lysander

Well-Known Member
I would imagine that it depends on what school you are attending. I learned very quickly that my parents had no authority when I was in college. It was very easy to keep my school life/home life completely separate. I didn't really need to, as my parents were pretty accepting at that point. But if you fill out your own paperwork and make sure that your parents aren't touching your forms, it'd be easy to keep it hidden. You can also make sure that the school knows that no one but you is authorized to get any information on your account. College is so different from high school. You're your own person now and the college will treat you that way. They're usually really great about not giving anyone access but you.
 

Oliver

Active Member
I would imagine that it depends on what school you are attending. I learned very quickly that my parents had no authority when I was in college. It was very easy to keep my school life/home life completely separate. I didn't really need to, as my parents were pretty accepting at that point. But if you fill out your own paperwork and make sure that your parents aren't touching your forms, it'd be easy to keep it hidden. You can also make sure that the school knows that no one but you is authorized to get any information on your account. College is so different from high school. You're your own person now and the college will treat you that way. They're usually really great about not giving anyone access but you.
See I'm in highschool, my mother was the one to fill out my forms and if I had been there she would've let me fill everything out but unfortunately I was ill that day and my grandmother made me stay home.
 

Reba

Retired Terp
Premium Member
I would imagine that it depends on what school you are attending. I learned very quickly that my parents had no authority when I was in college. It was very easy to keep my school life/home life completely separate. I didn't really need to, as my parents were pretty accepting at that point. But if you fill out your own paperwork and make sure that your parents aren't touching your forms, it'd be easy to keep it hidden. You can also make sure that the school knows that no one but you is authorized to get any information on your account. College is so different from high school. You're your own person now and the college will treat you that way. They're usually really great about not giving anyone access but you.
The OP is only 15, still a minor, still under parental authority.

http://www.alldeaf.com/threads/trademarking-asl.129404/page-2#post-2513636
 

Reba

Retired Terp
Premium Member
I guess you need to find out what official school policy is.

Are you sure your parents don't know? If you present as a boy, don't they notice?
 

Oliver

Active Member
I guess you need to find out what official school policy is.

Are you sure your parents don't know? If you present as a boy, don't they notice?
As far as my family is concerned I'm just really tomboy. I dress as close as I can to male and etc but they still don't think I'm trans. They are currently upset at me and making me wear dresses and things like that for the first semester of the school year so maybe they are slightly suspicious of it? They wouldn't accept it though, maybe my grandmother would try being okay with it but my mum and father would freak out. My father even more since he is always telling me people in the lgbt community are all going to hell, which I know is false. My mum says the same as him but my dad thinks all people born female should be overly girly and if they aren't they are disgracing themselves and are disappointments to their relatives.
 

Lysander

Well-Known Member
The OP is only 15, still a minor, still under parental authority.

http://www.alldeaf.com/threads/trademarking-asl.129404/page-2#post-2513636
Ok yeah. Did not realize this. I just assumed you were in college. Ok, as a 15yo, your parents are in control of everything. I know that it's difficult, but I would not do anything until you're legally free of them. I work in a hospital and am privy to a ton of patient data. For an 18 year old, I'm bound by HIPAA and would never release patient data. For anyone under 18 I'm required to give any information to their parents unless it involves pregnancy or HIV. Everything else I would be required to reveal of I was asked.
 

Oliver

Active Member
Ok yeah. Did not realize this. I just assumed you were in college. Ok, as a 15yo, your parents are in control of everything. I know that it's difficult, but I would not do anything until you're legally free of them. I work in a hospital and am privy to a ton of patient data. For an 18 year old, I'm bound by HIPAA and would never release patient data. For anyone under 18 I'm required to give any information to their parents unless it involves pregnancy or HIV. Everything else I would be required to reveal of I was asked.
Oh okay then thanks
 

Lysander

Well-Known Member
Sorry. My response came off harsher than I meant it to. I don't think you should be scared, but at the same time I wouldn't do anything that puts your safety and stability at risk.

I used to mentor an LGBT+ youth support group. We always advocated that young people stay closeted if the alternative was potentially being homeless. I don't know how difficult your parents will be if you do come out, but if them kicking you out is on the table, I'd choose to be safe first.

Eighteen isn't too far off for you. One that happens you have a lot more options open to you.

Also, depending on the attitudes of the person at your school, they may feel compelled to tell your parents. And there aren't any legal repercussions if they do.
 

Beowulf

Well-Known Member
Premium Member
I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but are you sure you are "openly trans" if your own family is in the dark? You are fifteen and that is a MAGIC age: you are at the cusp of finding out the truth of the world and the only way to deal with it is by being true to yourself. I am sorry I cannot advise you further. I hope you have a family member you can confide to, because you will find out in the long run that family is the only thing you have in this world.
Good luck, and don't forget that we are family as well.
 

Beowulf

Well-Known Member
Premium Member
As far as my family is concerned I'm just really tomboy. I dress as close as I can to male and etc but they still don't think I'm trans. They are currently upset at me and making me wear dresses and things like that for the first semester of the school year so maybe they are slightly suspicious of it? They wouldn't accept it though, maybe my grandmother would try being okay with it but my mum and father would freak out. My father even more since he is always telling me people in the lgbt community are all going to hell, which I know is false. My mum says the same as him but my dad thinks all people born female should be overly girly and if they aren't they are disgracing themselves and are disappointments to their relatives.
I missed this post. Sorry.
I am happy to hear about your grandmother, though. ;)
 

Tetracyclone

Active Member
As far as my family is concerned I'm just really tomboy. I dress as close as I can to male and etc but they still don't think I'm trans. They are currently upset at me and making me wear dresses and things like that for the first semester of the school year so maybe they are slightly suspicious of it?

Ya think?
.
Given what you say about your family you are in a delicate situation, currently protected by your family's denial of what is in front of them. The closet can be a safe place until you are of legal age because right now your parents have all the power, unless they were to physically abuse you, which is a bad idea all around. It can also be very bad for YOU to sneak around, which I gather you do not do at the moment. It twists us up to be sneaky. I hope for you that you find a few places or people with whom it is safe to be yourself. Accept yourself but also try to accept your folks. They are who they are and if they are embedded in church or beliefs that LGBT is sinful, try not to make yourself the target of all that.

But in answer to your question, the teachers at school are obliged to do as your parents wish, and possibly to share confidences with them.
 

dogmom

Well-Known Member
Oliver/ Xela Luna, I ID as biqueer or pansexual; pronouns she, hers, they, theirs. I just wanted to offer more support to you from here....I know at 15 it can seem like forever til you can do this or that, or be your true self! My mom was actually the last person I came out to; my family is very Left or liberal politically, socially, but my mom has a lot of childhood issues from abuse and abandonment, and I'm an only child - a child they didn't expect to be able to have, and I was born very premature so there some medical problems. so she can have a hard time emotionally with certain things that are "triggers". I remember so well the time I was in high school and wanted to badly to go to the Pride Parade downtown but had no way to get there from where we lived<I have learning disabilities and learned to drive in my 20's. did not know how to take bus due to mother's overprotectiveness and difficulties with directions, schedules, processing information> So I'd phoned someone about the Parade and actually managed to talk to one of the organizers who said if I could get down there, she'd walk with me. I was really scared on the phone - I was also a shy kid and somewhat emotionally behind - and then my mom came home, she'd been gone. I was in my room with the door closed and she knocked and said what are you doing? I just hung up on the person. Didn't get to the Parade. It was just really a hard time. But college totally opened up everything and I remember thinking- wow, I have a life now! I came out and was pretty much out to everyone in college. Is there a trusted teacher at your school you can discuss any of this privately with and maybe develop a GSA <Gay/Straight Alliance technically but such groups generally are bi/Queer/trans/I-inclusive>
Stay safe and maybe you can see if you can discuss privately with your grandmother so you would have some family support...maybe see if she'd be open to reading some basic material on trans folks?
 

Oliver

Active Member
Oliver/ Xela Luna, I ID as biqueer or pansexual; pronouns she, hers, they, theirs. I just wanted to offer more support to you from here....I know at 15 it can seem like forever til you can do this or that, or be your true self! My mom was actually the last person I came out to; my family is very Left or liberal politically, socially, but my mom has a lot of childhood issues from abuse and abandonment, and I'm an only child - a child they didn't expect to be able to have, and I was born very premature so there some medical problems. so she can have a hard time emotionally with certain things that are "triggers". I remember so well the time I was in high school and wanted to badly to go to the Pride Parade downtown but had no way to get there from where we lived<I have learning disabilities and learned to drive in my 20's. did not know how to take bus due to mother's overprotectiveness and difficulties with directions, schedules, processing information> So I'd phoned someone about the Parade and actually managed to talk to one of the organizers who said if I could get down there, she'd walk with me. I was really scared on the phone - I was also a shy kid and somewhat emotionally behind - and then my mom came home, she'd been gone. I was in my room with the door closed and she knocked and said what are you doing? I just hung up on the person. Didn't get to the Parade. It was just really a hard time. But college totally opened up everything and I remember thinking- wow, I have a life now! I came out and was pretty much out to everyone in college. Is there a trusted teacher at your school you can discuss any of this privately with and maybe develop a GSA <Gay/Straight Alliance technically but such groups generally are bi/Queer/trans/I-inclusive>
Stay safe and maybe you can see if you can discuss privately with your grandmother so you would have some family support...maybe see if she'd be open to reading some basic material on trans folks?
I have thought about talking to my grandmother about it but I know she will tell my father or mother. They will react badly to it so I is it prefer to not tell family
 

Sherlyn

Member
I agree with what others have mentioned to keep it under wraps until you are legal. You are 15 and at a very vulnerable age where you can make your own decisions but is not offically legal yet.

From what i gather based on your explanation, your family will be very alarmed if you come out to them. I don't think your parents will be very accepting based on their reactions and I would like you to think of all the scenarios that could happen. For instance, getting kicked out of the house or being forced to be feminine. Do you think the consequences will be worth coming out? Personally I would not like to be forced to be someone who I am really not and that might be the very exact thing your parents might do to you.

In my opinion, you should not inform the teachers yet because it really depends. Some teachers are supportive and some may not.(regardless of religion or not) Worse case scenario, your teachers may inform your parents and you may lose your freedom and your parents might not let you dress as you wish.

3 years may seem long but believe me, the wait is worth it. I believe it will be easier to convince your parents if you are older because you'd be more mature and firm in your decisions. If my kid is 15 and comes up to me saying they are trans, I don't think I would take them very seriously because it may seem like an 'adolescent phase'. They have more control over your life as a teen as opposed to being an adult.

Personally, I wouldn't want you to go through all the pain at this crucial stage of your life. Work hard, enter college and be more independent before coming out to your parents. Maybe you can change their mindset in the future. Good luck and I support you! :)
 

DeafNerdMommy

Well-Known Member
My trans friend, male to female, in high school had her paper work say male but everyone knew she was female. She was allowed in the girls room for safety reasons. My husband actually just started his journey today to be my wife. We just learned in oregon you can't change your gender until you have had the full surgery
 
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DeafDucky

Well-Known Member
I believe it will be easier to convince your parents if you are older because you'd be more mature and firm in your decisions.
Not always. I know of many trans people who came out to their family when they were older....and it did not go well at all. Some were still living at home at ages 18-25 (or thereabouts) and were kicked out not to mentioned disowned. Even at 17. Just because a person may be more mature and firm in decision doesn't mean it will convince the parents either. Have also known of a few teen trans folks who were more mature and firm in their decisions than most people I know personally.

It's a case by case... in Xelo's case... I have a feeling that no matter how old he is, his family will reject him. True that it may be better to wait til 18 before doing anything but in the meantime, he could still be kicked out if his parents find out some other way.

It's not an easy journey especially if you are a teen.
 

Sherlyn

Member
It's a case by case... in Xelo's case... I have a feeling that no matter how old he is, his family will reject him. True that it may be better to wait til 18 before doing anything but in the meantime, he could still be kicked out if his parents find out some other way.
True, considering the strong reactions from his family. But there WILL be a time where he have to eventually come out to his parents. 15 is way too young to be kicked out to fend for his own. I hope his parents will become more accepting in the future..
 

Lysander

Well-Known Member
My trans friend, male to female, in high school had her paper work say male but everyone knew she was female. She was allowed in the girls room for safety reasons. My husband actually just started his journey today to be my wife. We just learned in oregon you can't change your gender until you have had the full surgery
Tell your wife I said congratulations and sending good vibes for her journey.
 

DeafDucky

Well-Known Member
True, considering the strong reactions from his family. But there WILL be a time where he have to eventually come out to his parents. 15 is way too young to be kicked out to fend for his own. I hope his parents will become more accepting in the future..
I hope so too and I agree 15 is way too young to be kicked out and fend for themselves but I've heard of this happening way too often and even younger than 15- for all of LGBT :(. Thankfully in many bigger cities there ARE places for them to go to if needed. There's still a long way to go though :(.
 
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