In Love....With Her Father-in-law.....

Discussion in 'Marriage, Dating & Single Life' started by rockin'robin, Aug 24, 2009.

  1. rockin'robin

    rockin'robin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2007
    Messages:
    24,155
    Likes Received:
    337
    Location:
    Jacksonville, Florida
    A friend of mine, who is 40....divorsed with 2 kids. Her ex moved out of state several years ago. Her father-in-law, and grandfather to her 2 kids, is in his late 50's. He's always helped her financially with her kids. Her ex could never keep a job.

    She was laid off several months ago. And moved in with the father-in-law.

    When I saw her recently....(her son is a friend of my son)....she came over to chat for awhile. Telling me everything that was happening with her. And I got the "shock" of my life when she confided to me she was "in love" with her father-in-law!....She cried.

    She asked me not to "judge" her....I was and still am, at loss for words! She is a very likable and fun person, good mother. We get along fine, and before she told me all this, we would go shopping together at times, keep each others kids often.

    I'm still at a loss of words about this situation! If she marries the father-in-law, he's still her kids grandfather......He pays all the bills for her....she's finally found another job, working with children with learning disabilities.

    As weird and crazy as this world is....this situation threw me for a loop!

    What do you guys think?
     
  2. Chuck

    Chuck New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2006
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Women tend to connect with men that are mostly around. Kind of like a woman only dating friends of her brothers simply because she stays home all the time because that's the only guys she sees on a constant basis.

    She's found another job, tell her to find another man at her workplace. Father in law is just too creepy.
     
  3. inspirabull

    inspirabull New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2008
    Messages:
    432
    Likes Received:
    0
    Nothing to judge there

    What is shocking about it? She is a mature woman- her heart has spoken. He is a man who cares about her and for her in the ways that count the most. Why should they not have the happiness they deserve in a life that is way too damn short? He is not her father, he is her father-in-law, there is no incest.
    It actually makes more sense than hoping to find a stepdad that will love those kids as much their grandfather. As for the age difference? Not all of us men age out the same way and a having a younger woman that loves him? He will probably last 20 years longer than he would have and still be virile too. So while it is a little different it not really that shocking and is ultimately practical for both. It just takes a little getting used to on your part. People who are doing things a little different need friends too. It not like something evil is going on.... smiles...
     
  4. Oceanbreeze

    Oceanbreeze New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2004
    Messages:
    9,978
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    S. FL
    I'm with the first poster. This situation is very unhealthy both for her and the children! It sounds to me like she fell in love with him on the basis of need rather than a true attraction. It really sounds like this woman is in serious need of some counseling and the sooner she gets it, the better!
     
  5. sallylou

    sallylou Potterhead and Janeite Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2009
    Messages:
    6,635
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    My own private Idaho
    It's not illegal to marry your former FIL. It's unusual but the son is out of the picture here. I'd wish be a friend and wish her the best. Who am I to judge?
     
  6. PowerON

    PowerON Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2007
    Messages:
    11,268
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    37.5, 126.9
    I have know that my brother's ex-wife was hitting on me. I refuse accept her. I never knew she hit on me until later, I realize. Geez.
     
  7. Jiro

    Jiro If You Know What I Mean Premium Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2007
    Messages:
    69,117
    Likes Received:
    51
    Location:
    The Soprano State
    well..... they're not blood-related so.......
     
  8. Jiro

    Jiro If You Know What I Mean Premium Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2007
    Messages:
    69,117
    Likes Received:
    51
    Location:
    The Soprano State
    robin - your friend confided in you with her extremely embarrassing and a highly judgmental story. You do realize how much emotional strain it is for her to confide in you? I do have quite a share of shocking stories that my friends confided in me but I do not judge them because I'm not a moral police. What your friend is seeking for is a validation. a strength. or anything to see the reason of her doing because she is probably very confused about herself.
     
  9. rockin'robin

    rockin'robin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2007
    Messages:
    24,155
    Likes Received:
    337
    Location:
    Jacksonville, Florida
    Ur right, Jiro....she's looking for my acceptance, but I cannot totally give it to her....She knows I'm a strong woman, raising 3 boys.
    Her own kids, a boy, age 12 and a girl, age 10, are growing up, and I'm sure they know what's going on....
    My opinion is that she lacks the confidence in herself to live alone with her kids and being able to pay the bills. I've told her she could apply for help, and child support from the father.....but she's done nothing! She loves her kids, and gives them all they need, but emotionally, I think she might destory them.

    She's not only confused, she's confusing her kids....I've decided not to pass judgement, her kids are always welcome in my home.....but now, when I "really" look at her, I don't quite like what I'm seeing.....our friendship has suffered over this!
    To each their own....She knows she cannot get any validation from me, I'm not able to give it, sorry! But I'll remain her "friend", but not a "close" friend.

    Must be a lot of confusion in their home!
     
  10. inspirabull

    inspirabull New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2008
    Messages:
    432
    Likes Received:
    0
    I really am curious Robin...

    As a long term single man I have made the choice more than once to forgo a relationship with a woman of her age with children of that age. Believe me the last thing kids that age are willing to accept is a new man they do not know boffing their mom let alone be a stepdad. Confusion? How about plain old hate? Kids can be amazingly understanding when there is long term stability,
    love, and familiarity. The lady wants a real life that works for her and her kids. You are seeing it as something that is at the kids expense, but is it? They probably love their Grandpa way more than their own father and now she does too. There is a good possibility she is just validating what they already think.
     
  11. yizuman

    yizuman Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2008
    Messages:
    2,338
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Indiana
    I can see a scenario going like this if the kids are old enough to go to school...

    "Hey guys, guess what? My mother is gonna marry my grandpa!!!"

    Yiz
     
  12. inspirabull

    inspirabull New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2008
    Messages:
    432
    Likes Received:
    0
    maybe it is different now

    If there was one thing we did not do it was talk about what was going on with parents, except maybe with very closest friends and even then nope that was mostly off limits. It was one thing to talk about what we were allowed to do are could get away with but actually talk about them as people? Shoot most of us had things going on at home that we didn't want to talk about.
     
  13. Brian

    Brian New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2003
    Messages:
    4,747
    Likes Received:
    1
    It could be that your friend didn't have a great relationship with her father? It is known that some females fall in love/feel attracted to their current/former fathers-in-law and even their step-fathers. It could be a temporary thing, who knows? If I were you, I wouldn't abandon my friendship with her because of her unusual feelings for her father-in-law. She needs all the support she gets from her friends. :)
     
  14. JamieLynn

    JamieLynn Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2009
    Messages:
    3,324
    Likes Received:
    0
    Difficult situation and difficult to just judge whether it is right or not for your friend to have a relationship with her father-in-law since we don't really know whom they are (what kind of people they are).

    I'd say, if both are comfortable with one another (as long as they take into consideration into which situation they put the children/grandchildren) there shouldn't be any restraints and nobody should judge them. Children feel comfortable + couple feels comfortable = happiness...

    I can understand you wanting to keep somewhat your distance and no, you don't need to give her your consent regarding her relationship with her father-in-law (people have different POVs anyway...). So just be a friend, be supportive and be there if she needs somebody to talk to.

    That's the only advice I could give right now! :hug:
     
  15. sallylou

    sallylou Potterhead and Janeite Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2009
    Messages:
    6,635
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    My own private Idaho
    Rockin' robin, your response means that this woman won't confide in you again, so you don't have to worry about that. You are judging her and she will act accordingly.

    I hope that you'll come not to judge others so harshly in the future. People who judge others harshly are equally harsh on themselves, and you don't deserve that. (That's one of my issues!) Also, if you only befriend people with no personal issues, you'll end up with few friends.

    Just some thoughts. You know your situation and you'll make the right decision for you.
     
  16. Phillips

    Phillips Lets ride horses! Premium Member

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2006
    Messages:
    11,165
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Spaceship
    Yeah Crazy! but Advice.... just be Neutral :|

    Good luck! :|
     
  17. rockin'robin

    rockin'robin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2007
    Messages:
    24,155
    Likes Received:
    337
    Location:
    Jacksonville, Florida
    I'm still her friend, but this has made a wedge between us!...I wish she hadn't told me, but it would have come out sooner or later, anyway!. I don't feel comfortable at her house anymore. Her kids come here all the time and one goes to the same school as my 13 yr. old.

    I'm always willing and have been to help her with anything. Even giving her son some clothes. And food at times, a ride if neccessary too. And will continue to do so.

    Our friendship has taken a blow. It might heal if she marries her father in law....rather than just keep having an affair with him! She's pretty enuf to find a younger man her age, but apparently she doesn't want to.

    It's not my life and surely not my place to judge, but as I said before, what she told me was very hard to take in, even understand!....(at my age), too)....
    Hopefully, everything will work out for the best anyway. It's her life, not mine. She will be the one to "have to answer her kids questions" when they are older. I just would never even dream to put myself into a position like this, I would go to the Woman's Shelter or something.
     
  18. sallylou

    sallylou Potterhead and Janeite Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2009
    Messages:
    6,635
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    My own private Idaho
    I understand. I hate when one of my friends partners up with a guy that I perceive is bad for her. :( If it's a bad relationship, she'll need you to be there when it's over. It sucks for you to have issues with your friend. It sounds like ya'll are close.

    And I agree that getting married would give the relationship more credibility. If the guy's serious about the relationship, he'll make a commitment. That may be the litmus test for whether this is a good relationship for your friend.
     
  19. inspirabull

    inspirabull New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2008
    Messages:
    432
    Likes Received:
    0
    Why all the prejudice against an older man?

    I just flat out don't get it. It is just so wrong.
     
  20. shel90

    shel90 Audist are not welcome Premium Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2006
    Messages:
    44,986
    Likes Received:
    243
    Location:
    A place where crabs are popular
    It is none of my business what two adults do in their personal lives as long as they are not putting anyone in danger. I dont judge what people do behind closed doors.
     

Share This Page

Looking to buy hearing aids online? Check out Hearex.com