I want to date a deaf man, any advice?

blue91

New Member
Hi, I can hear. And I have been talking to a man who is deaf, we met online. I don't know much ASL but I am willing to learn. I think its very interesting. Well, he seems very sweet and we both want to meet each other soon. He says he can speak some words. But is there any advice on what i can say to him when we first meet? any ASL that would be helpful when first meeting each other? or anything else that you may think of will be so great! thanks in advance! :wave:
 

tuatara

pro-water
Premium Member
Hi, I can hear. And I have been talking to a man who is deaf, we met online. I don't know much ASL but I am willing to learn. I think its very interesting. Well, he seems very sweet and we both want to meet each other soon. He says he can speak some words. But is there any advice on what i can say to him when we first meet? any ASL that would be helpful when first meeting each other? or anything else that you may think of will be so great! thanks in advance! :wave:
First of all, I'm glad you've already met him, and I'm relieved that your subject line didn't mean that you were looking for a deaf man to date!

I don't think you should worry about learning a few things in ASL for your first date. I think you should look into learning the whole language, at a reasonable pace, in a class near you if you can find one. Over time, that will be very helpful. For a first date, he obviously already knows he wants to see you, so you can both write or gesture, or whatever else you find that you can figure out between the two of you to manage some sort of communication.

My response might seem less than helpful, but I'd like you to imagine if someone asked the same question about you. "She speaks English. I dont know much but I'm willing to learn. We're going to meet soon. Is there something that would be good to learn to say in English for this date?" That person isn't going to develop any major proficiency in English by the time of your date. A few words or expressions might be a cute thing to be able to pull out of one's hat, but won't really create communication.

Enrolling in a course and attacking the material with dedication will have a much greater effect on your potential relationship with this guy.

Anyway. I hope you have a great time with him!

PS: most of my comments are assuming that he uses ASL. Are you certain that he does?
 

blue91

New Member
ok great!
I think I already know how to say "how are you?" in ASL..saying hello is pretty easy and i just learned how to say "nice to meet you." in ASL by watching a youtube tutorial on it :) this is so exciting! haha.. :)
and yes I am certain he uses ASL.

Thank you so much!
 

tuatara

pro-water
Premium Member
:)

Ok, so you're going to ask him how he is. And then, eek - he's probably going to answer you. Might be worthwhile to learn what some of the things he might say back to you could look like.

Also, he'll probably ask you how you're doing. Might be good to have an answer ready;)
 

tuatara

pro-water
Premium Member
Also, if you're going to walk into a date with a Deaf guy, and you're going to whip out a couple phrases in ASL, but you don't know the language, a really good thing to learn to sign next would be:

"I know how to sign [whatever you just said - 'nice to meet you', 'how are you', whatever] and that's all."

And then laugh at yourself.

Do you have skype?
 

Bebonang

Active Member
It is not easy for a hearing person who have no knowledge of ASL or any other sign language if he use sign language. If he is Oral deaf, then you would probably have no trouble with that as he can lipread you, not perfectly (he will ask you to repeat what you just mention a word or sentence that is not clear). It take time for him to catch what you are saying when he lipread you.

But if he is mostly signing ASL, then you are not compatible to be with him. Communication is important in the relationship as dating or getting to know each other. You can not change him if you want him to speak English. This is his choice and he will not do it for you. ASL is not a fun language. It is for us to understand what hearing people say and for us to communicate only for Deaf people. We can not pick up words or lipread very well and we get left out. Only way to communicate is by paper and pen.

You said that you met him online, just be careful what kind of a person he is. He could be hearing instead of deaf just to fool you. :dunno: Meeting a deaf man online is not the way to go. You should have gone to the Deaf events just to observe what Deaf and Hard Of Hearing communicate by signing.

Remember, don't change him just because you want him to listen or hear you instead of signing. It does not work that way when you expect him to do what you want from him. So good luck.
 

tuatara

pro-water
Premium Member
But if he is mostly signing ASL, then you are not compatible to be with him.
She might be compatible with him. She should learn ASL if she wants to find out, and that takes some time, but we don't know they're not compatible.

You can not change him if you want him to speak English.
Not all hearing people want to change Deaf people, or to try to get them to speak English. I spend time with Deaf people, and when I do, I sign. And I'm very happy signing with them.

ASL is not a fun language.
I think you want her to understand that it is serious, that it is not a toy. And I agree. But something can be serious *and* enjoyable to learn and use. I find ASL to be both these things.

It is for us to understand what hearing people say and for us to communicate only for Deaf people.
ASL is *primarily* for Deaf people. It is not *only* for Deaf people. If a hearing person wants to try to learn ASL so that they can communicate directly with Deaf people, s/he can do that. And then ASL is for her too. In a way that is secondary, but still valid.

Only way to communicate is by paper and pen.
Unless some people learn ASL.


Well, he seems very sweet and we both want to meet each other soon.
I hope you won't let anyone discourage you.
 

blue91

New Member
She might be compatible with him. She should learn ASL if she wants to find out, and that takes some time, but we don't know they're not compatible.



Not all hearing people want to change Deaf people, or to try to get them to speak English. I spend time with Deaf people, and when I do, I sign. And I'm very happy signing with them.



I think you want her to understand that it is serious, that it is not a toy. And I agree. But something can be serious *and* enjoyable to learn and use. I find ASL to be both these things.



ASL is *primarily* for Deaf people. It is not *only* for Deaf people. If a hearing person wants to try to learn ASL so that they can communicate directly with Deaf people, s/he can do that. And then ASL is for her too. In a way that is secondary, but still valid.



Unless some people learn ASL.




I hope you won't let anyone discourage you.
OHh Believe mEe! no one is going to discourage me. not even (bebong) over there. or whatever his username is.. I am totally meeting up with this guy and I will learn ASL because I actually think it IS completely fun. :)
Also, thank YOU amylynne I definitely do not want to change this amazing deaf man i met online i accept him just the way he is. and of course, ASL is not ONLY for deaf people, its obviously for who EVER wants to learn it.
I'm just so excited! -thanks for the great tips everyone! i already know how to sign "i'm good," for when he asks me how i am doing & a couple others. :D
 

Bottesini

Old Deaf Ranter
Premium Member
OHh Believe mEe! no one is going to discourage me. not even (bebong) over there. or whatever his username is.. I am totally meeting up with this guy and I will learn ASL because I actually think it IS completely fun. :)
Also, thank YOU amylynne I definitely do not want to change this amazing deaf man i met online i accept him just the way he is. and of course, ASL is not ONLY for deaf people, its obviously for who EVER wants to learn it.
I'm just so excited! -thanks for the great tips everyone! i already know how to sign "i'm good," for when he asks me how i am doing & a couple others. :D
I do foresee a problem if you can't even spell a name that is printed right before you...

Fingerspelling will be a crutch for some time if you don't understand ASL...
 

tuatara

pro-water
Premium Member
Of course then I shouldn't mention our friend that had the eager to learn ASL hearing girlfriend, and the breakup over "french fries" or "99 cents" ...
I think it depends on the individuals. I made that same mistake once, but was met with a much kinder response. We laughed at my error, I made a mental note of the difference, and moved on. It didn't seem like a big deal in the larger context of our interactions.

I'm not saying I know what will happen with them. They might be very good at navigating their way through their communication needs while she learns the language, they might have enough enthusiasm and sense of humor to get them through. Or maybe not. Or maybe they'll just have a couple fun dates, I don't know. Not my job to try and predict. Not my business either.

(And I thought our friend went through a breakup as the result of an aggregate of frustrations, many of them deeper issues than an ASL reception error.)

All that said, you are still my favorite of all the lizards, no matter which one you choose.
 

Bebonang

Active Member
OHh Believe mEe! no one is going to discourage me. not even (bebong) over there. or whatever his username is.. I am totally meeting up with this guy and I will learn ASL because I actually think it IS completely fun. :)
Also, thank YOU amylynne I definitely do not want to change this amazing deaf man i met online i accept him just the way he is. and of course, ASL is not ONLY for deaf people, its obviously for who EVER wants to learn it.
I'm just so excited! -thanks for the great tips everyone! i already know how to sign "i'm good," for when he asks me how i am doing & a couple others. :D
I don't like the way you express being so excited and think that it is all fun just for the heck of trying to sign with him. You might laugh at how he sign with you but he is just trying to communicate with you in ASL. If you want to have friendship and just have fun without being so gung ho.

Amylynne is correct about one thing. ASL is "primarly" first ASL language for the Deaf. English is second which many d/Deaf includng me had a hard time learning how to speak. I hate oral only method, especially in hearing classes and hearing public places without ASL interpreters.

Later on, you will get tire of signing with him and would want him to do your way of speaking.

When it come to excitement, It can be impact on the d/Deaf person and may want to end the date with you, maybe not. It is all up to him. Just be cool and not get so excited like that. You might be looking at him as a thing instead of being a person who is like everyone except he could not hear, period.

As for me, I happen to be an old Elder and woman. Not a man. I am 68 years old and I know those things when it come with hearing and deaf relationship or friendship, if the hearing person does not know ASL.

There was one woman who got angry at me about the relationship with the Deaf man almost about a year ago. She does not believe me because she thinks that being excited (very excited) and later admitted that she wanted to change him just to speak with him, not to sign. I think her mother and she probably want to changed d/Deaf people, even children to be able to speak instead of signing. You remind me of her. When you are excited and mention that you did know some words in sign, then you are not right for him if you don't know the full ASL language and to keep signing with him as communication. Otherwise, no one can change d/Deaf people hoping that he will be hearing or lipreading and talkin like every hearing people. This does not work. Hearing people think that hearing aids and CIs will make them listen and less or no ASL. That would set us very frustrated and hate to struggled trying to please hearing people. So respect him as a Deaf man.
 

hoichi

Well-Known Member
Just relax and have fun. I cant stress that enough. Another important tip to drastically improve your learning curve is keep to an ASL journal. In which you can not only list the signs you have learned, but ideas and new ways to use them, as well as the difficulties you encounter in your learning and using it balanced by the joys. When ever you learn a sign, note it in your journal later that night ect, and re use in the days after learning it. , this will increase your acquiring ASL as well in your retention of it. Your at the very beginning of learning an awesome and powerful language. Have fun. Learn the dirty sign first lol
Hoichi-the earless
blue81 its worth repeating bebonang is 68 years old..............
have fun girl.
learn ASL.
ignore anyone who wants and seeks to discourage you.
feed your eyes with ASL girl..............
also i want to thank all the girls who wish to date us deaf guys. hearing girls, deaf girls, girls. its a good thing. keep it up...i wouldn't be the dancer i am today without those hearing cutties.......
(bows)
 
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