How to communicate with DEAF mother-in-law. PLEASE HELP!!!

[truth_seeker]

Hello!

My mother-in-law is completely deaf and she only signs and is definitely deaf minded. I'm learning ASL, and reading online on proper etiquette to communicate with her. I make sure I tap her lightly on the shoulder when I want to get her attention, and I make sure she is looking at me directly so she can read my lips. My goal is to communicate with her properly in a manner that she feels loved and appreciated. I found a lot of online articles on what the proper etiquette is to communicate with deaf people. But I didn't find anything that teaches deaf people etiquette on how to communicate with hearing people.

My mother in law has a very rude habit of pointing to people across the room. My husband and I tried to tell her that pointing to someone that is not part of the conversation is rude but she insists on doing it. She also wrinkles her face in disgust with an exaggerated expression when she sees something on the dinner table she doesn't like. I find this offensive because I was taught to be grateful for having food on the table and we never wrinkle our face to show we don't like something. We simply say 'no, thank you'. I realize that she is just communicating that she doesn't like something but it's just that I tried to tell her that it hurts my feelings and she just keeps doing it.

Is there anything out there that explains common etiquette to deaf people when they are around hearing people?

 

[AlleyCat]

I could gently point out that some hearing people do the same thing. Some people are just more expressive than others.

That being said, deaf people are, as a general rule, more expressive. We are visual people. It is not uncommon to see deaf people express their thoughts more visually. It isn’t intentional, it’s just how we are.

 

[truth_seeker]

Thank you for your response. But how do I communicate with my mother-in-law that her behavior is hurtful and rude? How do I make her understand that I don't want to see her wrinkled face at the dinner table or have to explain to a complete stranger why they are being pointed at? I feel like I've accommodated her for her deaf culture but why can't she accommodate me for my hearing culture?

 

[MCB]

Probably because she is sick and tired of accommodating to hearing culture. Just accept her for who she is. I was feeling hurt at the temper tantrums of a stroke victim I am trying to help. Once I discovered that the temper tantrums are a symptom of high blood pressure, there is no hurt.

 

[Swedeafa]

Agree, give it more time and try to accept her as she is. When you know her well, it will be easier for you to decide if you should bring something up, and how.

Pointing is not rude in sign language, it’s the correct way to reference a person across the room. Showing emotions can be correct as well. At this point in time you are not experienced enough of what might be rude or not in a Deaf context. Deaf people can indeed be rude at times, just as hearing can be, but it would be unfair of you to complain if it’s acceptable behavior. With time you will get more experience, and it will be easier to distinguish between what you should adapt to and can be expected she has to adapt. In general, she shouldn’t have to change just because you want her to act more hearing. Learn about her educational background, since that might give you perspective on hearing people demanding that she adjusts to a hearing context. Also remember that she shouldn’t feel pressured to behave in a way that is unnatural when she is with her closest family, which you are.

So a lot of acceptance. You might not agree with her culture, but try to respect her anyway.

When you are experienced in sign language, and have met many different Deaf people, then you might actually want to point out something to her, but you are far from ready to do that yet, and you would probably just hurt her feelings and make her feel uncomfortable in her own family. Try to think more about whether her intention actually is to be rude by pointing or if it is an ordinary way of communicating. Unless you are very sure about that she intends to be rude, you shouldn’t comment on it at all.

You need to accept and respect her, and in a few years you will have more knowledge to assess if it’s beneficial to explain what’s acceptable in a hearing culture and what is not.

 

[Tetracyclone]

I think it appropriate to step back and generalize about mothers-in-law, be they deaf, blind, lovely or ugly. She is of an older generation and will not be please to be "corrected" by you for anything, let alone her usual way of communicating. The normal route to take if something bothers you a lot is to talk to your husband and let him bring it up if he feels it might do some good. Odds are overwhelming she will not take well to criticism from, her son, either. She just won't train, like a dog, when undesirable behaviors are pointed out. She will bristle and not like you for it. If she has spent most of her social life submerged in deaf culture your criticisms will make no sense to her.

You have already fallen into the hole that notions of fairness create. "I'm doing this stuff to be considerate, she should show consideration too!!!"
Not gonna happen, as you have already seen. Life is never fair. The relationships with in-laws are mine fields. What you want is to create an acceptance within yourself so that your M-I-L will always feel accepted. You are NOT responsible for what others think of her communication, or anyone else's, come to that. The only certainty here is that if you continue to whine about it (that is how it will sound), there will be bad feelings all around. Do you hope to have children? Do you intend to teach them to respect people's differences? Even if you don't want kids this relationship is important to the happiness of your marriage.

If you need to see a bit less of her, make busy plans. Annoying behaviors are easier to ignore when you see less of them.

My husband has a saying passed down from his grandmother- "If you don't start none, there won't be none." She will never fit into your world, but she may enrich it if you can find it in yourself to just let her be different.

 

[truth_seeker]

I'm grateful for everyones input. I've thought really hard about this and I do agree that the best thing for me is to distance myself from her.

I am hard of hearing myself and I wear hearing aids on both ears. I have severe hearing loss and so do two (2) of my sisters. One sister actually has a profound hearing loss such that she has a speech impediment. My Father is hard of hearing too so I have exposure to the deaf world so I thought I'd be able to be patient with her and understand her but I was wrong.

- She points to people excessively and sometimes just inches from their face. One time, I joked that I'd bite her finger if she put it in my face again.
- She doesn't control her volume and is way too loud. Isn't there techniques to teach deaf people how to manage their vocal chords?
-She wrinkles her face in disgust at the dinner table for food that I put out. Why can't she just sign politely that she doesn't want any?
- She insists that my husband translate her small talk with complete strangers. We'd be at the airport and she'd want to strike up a conversation with a hearing couple and wanted my husband to translate. He refused on account that he was tired from translating the entire trip.

I see that my husband is 100% frustrated with her and it affects his well-being. Every time we go see her he comes back annoyed, angry, tired, and upset. At first, I just thought he was being mean to her. I'd tell him to be more patient. But now I understand his frustrations. I feel like she is draining him. He feels responsible for her because she won't accept anything that she doesn't understand.

If you are a Deaf parent of a hearing child, could you please comment? I'm curious to know if this is normal for Deaf parent-hearing child relationships. I'm open to feedback.

 

[Swedeafa]

I see. You need to be aware of that things have changed rapidly in society. Find out more about what her upbringing was like. What was her relationship with her parents? Did she experience language deprivation as a child? That would explain a lot, and is hard to compensate for later.

Deaf children growing up today have a different support system. Even though there are a lot of shortcomings with the system today, it’s still likely your mother-in-law had bad experiences when growing up. Also consider there might be some other learning disability in addition to just the deafness. Autism spectrum?

I doubt it’s easy or possible to “parent” a grown-up and make them change behavior. You could try to understand how she is thinking and reasoning, and see if there is a way to meet her at her level.

Your husband probably has very mixed feelings. She is his mother and it’s likely that he loves her and cares for her, but it’s still hard if she behaves in a way that is difficult to accept and when conflicts arise.

I think there are reasons for why she ended up behaving the way she does. Language deprivation might be one thing, or there might be something else. Try not to judge her, since it’s not likely her choice but circumstances that have caused her behavior.

Is there any kind of support center for the Deaf where you can get advice? Maybe a CODA organization?

 

[rockin'robin]

Well...sounds as if the mother-in-Law does have some annoying quirks...whether she realizes it or not?...You can either ignore them...or..do the same thing to her to get her reaction ??…*then that might start a "free-for-all" *...LOL...(and if it does...send the video to us)...might go viral...LOL

 

[Cappy]

^ best answer!

 

[pandes]

interesting thread, I have the same question

 

[Barbaro]

I'm grateful for everyones input. I've thought really hard about this and I do agree that the best thing for me is to distance myself from her.

I am hard of hearing myself and I wear hearing aids on both ears. I have severe hearing loss and so do two (2) of my sisters. One sister actually has a profound hearing loss such that she has a speech impediment. My Father is hard of hearing too so I have exposure to the deaf world so I thought I'd be able to be patient with her and understand her but I was wrong.

- She points to people excessively and sometimes just inches from their face. One time, I joked that I'd bite her finger if she put it in my face again.
- She doesn't control her volume and is way too loud. Isn't there techniques to teach deaf people how to manage their vocal chords?

You can’t tell her to control her voice. It is like telling her how to talk. It is insulting. She can’t hear her own voice. Just ignore her voice. Since you are hard of hearing, turn off your hearing aids.

-She wrinkles her face in disgust at the dinner table for food that I put out. Why can't she just sign politely that she doesn't want any?

Facial expression is a part of the sign language. It is a part of who she is.

- She insists that my husband translate her small talk with complete strangers. We'd be at the airport and she'd want to strike up a conversation with a hearing couple and wanted my husband to translate. He refused on account that he was tired from translating the entire trip.

Your husband did the right thing. I suspect your mother in law used your son as an interpreter when he was a kid all the time. It could be one of the reasons that he probably is burned out. I would tell my mother in law to write notes or use a cell phone as a communications form if she wants to make small talks with strangers. I refuse to allow my hearing son to interpret for me. That is not his job. I met plenty of CODAs who hate to interpret all the time for their parents. I wish adults talk directly to their parents, not through their chIldren as a proxy. I’ve seen adults always ask kids to talk to their parents for them. That’s not appropriate.

I see that my husband is 100% frustrated with her and it affects his well-being. Every time we go see her he comes back annoyed, angry, tired, and upset. At first, I just thought he was being mean to her. I'd tell him to be more patient. But now I understand his frustrations. I feel like she is draining him. He feels responsible for her because she won't accept anything that she doesn't understand.

Is she well educated? I suspect she isn’t because she had a tough childhood and didn’t get access to support system. There is nothing you can do about it.

If you are a Deaf parent of a hearing child, could you please comment? I'm curious to know if this is normal for Deaf parent-hearing child relationships. I'm open to feedback.

Just keep yourself distance from your mother in law as much as you can. You can’t change who she is. I urge you to tell your husband to look up CODA support groups online.

 

[Jane B.]

I have a feeling that this relationship is not as new as some seem to be assuming but a case of coming to the "end of the rope" after continuing to deal with this and appealing for other ideas.

I do not sign but do have a deaf ear & an ear with a very profound loss. I am fortunate to have hearing friends that are what I consider very understanding. One has worked out a way to indicate to me if I get tooooo loud or speak too softly. I do think the mother in law could make some effort of moderate hers.

Regarding the pointing. Is she actually aware of the difference between the two cultures? I am thinking that because it is regularly done in the deaf culture she does not realize that the hearing people that she does it to consider it rude and my avoid or ignore her as a result of having been treated that way. And they she turns around and rejects them.

 

[rockin'robin]

Deaf people have no way of knowing the loud sounds they make as even I am guilty of that myself...(banging around in the kitchen)..and making "sounds" whenever they sign...just a little tap on their shoulder and say or sign..."lower ur voice pls."...but I've never been guilty of pointing at people (that is rude)...or making a face at foods someone else has prepared...just a "No thank you" would suffix......Perhaps the MIL has limited interaction with hearing people?...Or is needing "attention"...??...

 

[Tetracyclone]

After the story of her wanting to talk to strangers at the airport I'm suspicious that the MIL uses her annoying behaviors to be the center of attention. Dunno, and I guess strangers on the internet should know when to shut up their fingers...

 

[truth_seeker]

I am happy that I have found this site because all of you can relate to me as I can to you. I have found solace now that I know that my MIL will not change and I have to accept her for who is. I choose peace. My husband continues to be frustrated with her as he has been his entire life. He had to interpret for his parents his entire life. My father in law was also hard of hearing but he has passed away 12 years ago (rest in peace). I would like to continue this conversation about the deaf parent/hearing child relationship.

For deaf parents, is your expectation that your hearing child interprets for you? When my husband vents to me about his childhood, he expresses resentment for having been put in that position. He is not an angry or bitter person by any means, and I he definitely loves his parents but I can't help but wonder if deaf parents realize the magnitude of responsibility that the hearing child has to carry. For deaf parents, what are your thoughts on this?

 

[tcastanos]

I am happy that I have found this site because all of you can relate to me as I can to you. I have found solace now that I know that my MIL will not change and I have to accept her for who is. I choose peace. My husband continues to be frustrated with her as he has been his entire life. He had to interpret for his parents his entire life. My father in law was also hard of hearing but he has passed away 12 years ago (rest in peace). I would like to continue this conversation about the deaf parent/hearing child relationship.

For deaf parents, is your expectation that your hearing child interprets for you? When my husband vents to me about his childhood, he expresses resentment for having been put in that position. He is not an angry or bitter person by any means, and I he definitely loves his parents but I can't help but wonder if deaf parents realize the magnitude of responsibility that the hearing child has to carry. For deaf parents, what are your thoughts on this?

I believe everyone is entitled to their on option. I have met a few CODAS that feel resentment towards their parents due to growing up interpreting. I do not see why though, in my personal experience I am not deaf but I grew interpreting for my parents (Spanish to English) and yes it was annoying but nothing more. I suggest your husband visit CODA groups, he will meet people that experienced a similar childhood.

 

[Barbaro]

The mother in law's behaviors reminds me of my Deaf friend. He doesn't realize he craves for attention so much and always approaches people in annoying way. He often calls me for petty talks like he wants to go to a university. I asked him if he was accepted, and he is willing to take tests on the same day if he can handle it. He goes, "No S**t?"

He used to wear hearing aids when he was a kid and received speech therapy. Now, He doesn't wear hearing aids. He hates them. He can't control his voice because he said it's a habit. He has tons of attitude and self esteem problems because his hearing parents tried to raise him as oral first, and it failed. His father has a fiery temper, but he learned to control it over the time. They tried mainstream schools on him, but his grades were way down. They finally sent him to Deaf school, and he graduated when he was 20 years old. I know his mother and she told me that Deaf school was "the last option". She thought Deaf schools were worse than mainstream schools. She used to be a school teacher at middle schools. I cannot change his attitude. I tried to help him with a volunteer job, but it didn't succeed. There is nothing I can do about him. That's the way he is.

I will never let my son to interpret for me. I even won't allow my hearing husband to interpret for me unless he wants to. For instance, If I can't understand, I just write or use my phone to communicate as long as he is in the same room. Interpreting is not his job. Hearing CODAs struggle with it, because they feel they have to do it. That is one of the reasons they attend CODA support groups.

Actually, my husband speaks Korean fluently. We were in Korean community. We were at pharmacy and waited for our turn to pick up the medication. He overheard the conversation between a Korean mother and her daughter. Korean mother couldn't talk to a pharmacist, so she depended on her teen daughter to translate for her. Her teen daughter was so frustrated that she had to translate for her Korean mother. They started arguing in Korean over that.