Heaven-sent jokes for Lent

Discussion in 'Indoors & Outdoors' started by Chase, Feb 21, 2008.

  1. Chase

    Chase Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Heaven's Problem Now​


    Just as the graveside service had ended, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

    The little old widower looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
     
  2. Chase

    Chase Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

    "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

    "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I then yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the carp out of all of you!'"

    St. Peter was impressed. He leafed through the great book he held. "When did this happen?"

    "Just a couple minutes ago. . . ."
     
  3. Silentwolfdog

    Silentwolfdog New Member

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  4. Chase

    Chase Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Fish 'n' chips

    It is February 22, the third Friday of Lent, and the faithful parishioner stumbles through pouring rain past hamburger huts and steak houses into the monastery at Mount Angel and requests shelter. He's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had.

    After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He's met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis."

    "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

    Brother Michael replies, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

    The man turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be . . ."

    "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
     
  5. jillio

    jillio New Member

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    You crack me up!
     
  6. Chase

    Chase Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Deaf Nun

    Sister Agnes, old and deaf, was pre-Vatican II but obediently gave in to orders that she wear the scandalous new habit where the headdress did not even cover her ears when she substituted at St. Francis de Sales School for Girls.

    But she was too vain to wear her huge hearing aids. Today she was having each child shout what career she wanted. Little Suzy stood and announced, “I WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE!”

    Sister Agnes screamed and kept screaming until the principal, Sister Blase, ran into the classroom.

    “What in Heaven’s name . . .”

    The old nun pointed a withered finger. “Did you hear what that child said?!?”

    “No, Sister Agnes, and you didn’t hear her either without your hearing aids. Put them in now.”

    Sister Agnes inserted the molds and tucked the appliances behind each ear. “Suzy,” she said, “tell Sister Blase what you told me.”

    Suzy repeated proudly, “I want to be a prostitute.”

    Sister Agnes suddenly hugged the little girl. “Oh, I’m so sorry, dear. I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant.”
     
  7. jillio

    jillio New Member

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    LOL....the grammar school I attended was St. Francis De Sales! I think Iknow these 2 nuns, and the little girl, as well.:giggle:
     
  8. Chase

    Chase Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Jillio, ha ha ha ha. Then you must be aware that St. Frances de Sales is the patron saint of both the deaf and of authors. I get two-for-one.
     
  9. jillio

    jillio New Member

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    Yes you do!
     
  10. GarnetTigerMom

    GarnetTigerMom New Member

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    Ha, ha ha... your jokes are pretty "far-out!" ha
     
  11. Chase

    Chase Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Old Testament to New

    A Jewish couple had a son who was . . . well . . . a holy terror. By the time for his bar mitzvah, he'd been kicked out of every school they put him in. Desperate, the parents went to the rabbi for advice. The good rabbi stroked his beard and meditated. Finally, he told them to enroll the boy in Catholic school.

    The shocked parents did as their rabbi directed and took their son to the nuns at St. Jude’s and left him.

    After school, the son came home and said, "Good afternoon, Papa. Good afternoon, Mama."

    The young man went to the table and did on his homework. The parents looked at each other in amazement, afraid to speak. The mother wrung her hands and the father twisted his beard all the while their boy helped serve the evening meal, bowed his head for prayers of thanks, and even helped with the dishes.

    No longer able to contain himself, the father asked, “We’re ever so grateful, my son, but what in Moses’s name did they do to you?”

    "Papa, when you left, the nun took me from class to class all day, each time saying they knew how to deal with rowdy boys. Those Catholics mean business! They got some Jewish-looking guy nailed up on boards in every room!”
     
  12. jillio

    jillio New Member

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    :laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:
     
  13. Chase

    Chase Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Irish nuns

    Prioress Patricia O’Day 'tis 101, and doctors are sayin' the old nun will not live out the day. The sad Sisters of Mercy of Killarney cannot afford to send their dying matriarch to hospital, so makin' her leavin' as comfortable as possible, they gather round to ask what small thing they might do for her.

    Old Sister Pat cannot speak. She barely shakes her poor, tired head at each suggestion, until someone mentions “drink.” A slight nod.

    The priest in attendance says, “Fresh warm milk, but hurry.” He begins Last rites.

    Sister Mary O’Connor, the youngest nun, dashes to the barn but can barely coax a half cup from the abbey’s sole remainin' milk cow. Panicked, Sister Mary searches till she finds the only other liquid in the barn, a jug of long-hidden Irish whiskey. Providence! She splashes it in and races back to the convent.

    Sister Pat grimaces at first sip; then her old eyes open, and she gulps the cup empty. “More,” she croaks.

    When Sister Mary returns with a bit more milk and the last of the some poor fool's whiskey stash in the cup, Sister Pat is sitting up and the other nuns are proclaimin' a miracle.

    They watch her drink, and one nun cries, “O Blessed Sister Patricia, in y’r Heavenly state, what words o’ Divine guidance do ye have to benefit our impoverished order?”

    “Dunna . . . sell . . . that . . . cow.”
     
  14. deafbajagal

    deafbajagal New Member

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    All jokes are really, really good! You should take Drew Carey's place on TV!!!!
     
  15. Chase

    Chase Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Ungodly golf

    Because Father MacPherson’s parish was small and substitute priests must come long distances to hold Wednesday catechism, Saturday vigils, and Sunday masses in his place, the diocese rule was that the good father be upon his deathbed to miss a service.

    Except Fr. Mac was an avid golfer and as good as any Scot at the game. Alas, the only course was 150 miles away and most of the worthy competition were physicians who played Wednesdays and businessmen playing weekends.

    Early Easter Sunday morning, the pro at the club where Fr. Mac posted consistently low scores called and said Tiger Wood, Phil Mickelson, and Steve Stricker were looking for a fourth by tee time in two hours. Could Father MacPherson help them out?

    Forgetting his parishioners and breaking several lots of traffic laws, Fr. Mac was on the links ten minutes early.

    Tiger, Phil, and Steve played great games, but Mac was fantastic. Every drive a dream, every chip a champ, every putt perfection. Approaching the eighteenth hole, Mac hit his third shot from 275 yards out, and the ball was headed straight for the pin.

    St. Matthew looked down and said to St. Peter. “Pete, that ball's heading for a sure double eagle. His sins should not be rewarded. Shall I cause a great wind to lose it in the rough?”

    St. Peter pulled his beard thoughtfully. “No, Matt. We must punish his vanity even more severely. Allow it to go in, but have all three witnesses be looking elsewhere.”
     
  16. jillio

    jillio New Member

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    LOL! I've been waiting for another of your jokes!
     
  17. Chase

    Chase Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    The Al-Qaeda suicide terrorist was much surprised at the ten virgins promised to greet him in Heaven.

    [​IMG]
     
  18. jillio

    jillio New Member

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    :bowlol::bowlol: **laughing and genuflecting at the same time!**
     
  19. Handsome_Smiley

    Handsome_Smiley New Member

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    :giggle::giggle::giggle:

    I picture 10 prest with shot guns, not the nuns
     
  20. Chase

    Chase Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    A man is struck by a bus on a busy Portland street. Seriously injured, he gasps to on-lookers, “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!"

    A police officer checks the crowd--no priest, no nun, no eucharistic minister or person of the cloth of any kind. "Please, any words of the church,” the injured man cries.

    Out of the crowd steps a shabby old man. He says he’s not Catholic, but he’s slept behind Sacred Heart Cathedral forty years and has heard the words of the priests so many times they are etched in his memory.

    Desperate, the injured man nods. The elderly homeless man kneels by him and solemnly intones, “B-4 . . . I-19 . . . N-38 . . . G-54 . . . O-72 . . ."
     

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