Hearing deaf sexuality

#1
Hi im 18 im learnig sing language my boyfriend is deaf and im hearing i want to ask about sex and comunication(like setting boundaries, making sure we understand each other needs and wants eyc) because im not that fluent in SL so i cant discuss it with him in a proper way i dont have the vocabulary to do it (i dont know how to convey the mesage through signing)
What i want to know if theres is someone who has experienced being in a relationship hearing-deaf who can tell me their stories what worked best for them what didnt etc.
Sorry for my bad english is not my first language (spanish is)
 

Anij

Well-Known Member
#2
I'd suggest getting Signs of Sexual Behaviour and going through it together.
If there are different signs, have him show you and then make sure you are certain you understand what they mean.

If you are going to enter into a sexual relationship together, you need to be able to know how to communicate important aspects of both the intimacy side of it, and more importantly how to indicate things like birth control, safe sex practices, hygiene issues etc. This all needs to be done well in advance, with a level head and not in the heat of the moment.

You might want to see if you both can go to Planned Parenthood with an interpreter and use that as a chance to ask questions, get information and also acquire some additional vocabulary.

Again, I'd strongly suggest doing all of this first - before moving onto a sexual relationship together (and I know that's not "fun", but unless you're both actively ready for parenthood, it's a very important step, especially in a situation where communication isn't fluent)
 
#3
Anij gives important advice. In addition there is the matter of how a woman communicates the simple signals that a hearing male would get, like heavy breathing, moans- the stuff that lets a guy know "do that again"! Thumbs up and thumbs down would work sometimes, or invent a simple code between you, like tapping his shoulder once for "not good", twice for "yay".

Young guys are severely governed by hormones so it is important to his and your future sexual happiness for him to learn YOUR rhythms early. Otherwise the female's satisfaction becomes a by-product of the male's. It might serve you both to read up on such things.
 
#12
Use mobile phone as a mean of communication. You might want to find out what are the things he likes first and talk about it before you start having sex. Like other users said, tapping, thumbs up are all effective way of communication. You might want to establish different signs before you get into it. Is he able to lip read? If he can, try to make it such that your mouth is visible to him.
 
#13
Story time!

I am hearing and my fiancé is Deaf. I didn't know any sign language before I met him. We started out with texting and typing back and forth to communicate. Then I started learning sign from him and books, and college classes later on.

Prior to him, I didn't have much sexual experience. I was 23 years old and hadn't had penetrative sex. Even so, I'd read plenty of books, followed sex positive YouTubers (like lacigreen), so I wasn't naive. He, on the other hand, had 5 previous sexual partners, all hearing women.

When things got more serious, I explained to him that I wanted us both to be tested for HIV and other STDs before starting a sexual relationship. He agreed. I got a referral from my doctor, he went to a local clinic. We were got the results back, both disease free, and moved on from there.

I wasn't fluent in ASL at this point. We went over basic signs that would be important during sex (stop, yes, no, slow, fast, more, I like, I don't like). Anything more complex, we would stop and type back and forth on his phone. He was very focused on me, especially at he beginning. He looked at my facial expressions, asked if I was okay, if I wanted a break, etc. We relaxed into it after a while. If his eyes were closed or if he was looking elsewhere, I would tap him to get his attention.

I suggest, if either of you have had previous sexual contact (including unprotected oral sex) to get tested. Have these discussions about sexual histories, what you're hoping to have together. The more open the communication the better.

Also, I would suggest 2 forms of birth control, that way you have a backup in case one fails. Example: I'm on the pill and we use condoms. That's my recommendation for anyone in a sexual relationship, honestly, but it's ultimately your decision.
 
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