Deaf, hearing relationships

CrazyPaul

Active Member
Well, I'm really confused now. My deaf guy friend that I really like finally asked me to tell him how I feel, and I told him, and there has been no reply from him. After asking him directly, he will not reply.

I send him a video about ASL and Oralism, and asked him to tell me what he thinks, and he doesn't reply.

Yet, if I ask him if he washes his car or take it to the car wash, he replies. I don't understand.
Well, did you ask him out for a coffee, to watch a CC movie with you, to eat out or something like that? If you did, what did he say?
 

Bebonang

Active Member
http://www.signasl.org/sign/empathy

For you (the link). I have four or more books on signing including ASL books. The internet was faster.

I was deaf to hearing (with aids) to deaf over my life. My partner is hearing who was cautioned about my loss. We kind of grew in our relationship adjusting (and not adjusting) to my hearing mistakes and sometimes her frustration with my not being able to understand and my frustration with her frustration. But we're still here.

When I was younger and dating, I did what I could to conceal my aids. Hiding and reading seemed to work well.

It's difficult to bridge the gap between being able to hear and being dDeaf . Some can make it happen, others can't. I agree with others here that if you can't get a straight answer from the fellow, you may want to look elsewhere. I know it's difficult from both shoes - hearing, not hearing, and deaf.

Why would you want to hide your hearing aid or deafness? Are you ashamed of being deaf or hard of hearing because you could not accept your deafness? You have to be up front and honest with the hearing person that you want to date with. Don't try to be someone that you are not. That is not cool. :(
 

sparrow2

Member
Well, no....I didn't ask him out to coffee or to a cc movie. I'm to scared to ask him out. I'm waiting for him to ask me, and I'm not sure if that will happen.

When I see him in person, he stares at me a lot, like he's trying to tell me something, but I'm not sure what it is? but when I don't see him, I text him, he reads it, but rarely responds so I'm not sure what to make out this.

I would like to understand if deaf are more visual in their relationships; meaning that they are together in person and relate to each other in person and don't place importance on texting when they are not together? I'm not sure if I'm making sense.

My guy friend and I seem to get along better when I see him in person than when I don't see him. Sometimes I feel like when I text him and he doesn't respond.
 

sparrow2

Member
I didn't finish my sentence above......Sometimes I like when I text my guy friend and he doesn't respond, is it because it's easier to understand english than to formulate a reply back in english?

It is possible that he doesn't want to text me back or is annoyed with me, and is trying to tell me that by not responding, but I wanted to rule out any other reasons before concluding that this is the reason.
 

Woody

Well-Known Member
I didn't finish my sentence above......Sometimes I like when I text my guy friend and he doesn't respond, is it because it's easier to understand english than to formulate a reply back in english?

It is possible that he doesn't want to text me back or is annoyed with me, and is trying to tell me that by not responding, but I wanted to rule out any other reasons before concluding that this is the reason.
Guys are pigs. Hope that helps. :D
 

sparrow2

Member
Well, I think my guy friend and I are done. I sent him a long email confessing my love for him, and there has been no reply from him. So, I'm going to move on. Thank you everyone for all your replies and support. I really appreciate it.
 

CrazyPaul

Active Member
Well, I think my guy friend and I are done. I sent him a long email confessing my love for him, and there has been no reply from him. So, I'm going to move on. Thank you everyone for all your replies and support. I really appreciate it.
Sorry to hear about that. As you may know, many deaf people have poor English so they don't feel comfortable texting. If he has good English but no response to you shows that he's not interested so yeah, you have to move on.
 

caz12

New Member
love finds a way but one detail has he said he wants relationship as with all men he run mile from commitment if he not after that.Could be he being polite BC you doing everything to hook him.
hope everything go well
 

sparrow2

Member
Well, he asked me to tell him how I feel about him, and I told him. Now, I would like to know how he feels about me, and he does not respond. Just complete silence. It's been 3 months. I tried to accept it, but it became difficult to communicate with him not knowing where I stand with him so sent him another email, and told him if he doesn't respond I'm going to assume he's not interested in pursuing a relationship with me and move on. So, I don't think he's going to respond. So, I think we're done.
 

sparrow2

Member
What I don't get is if he wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with me, why ask me to tell him how I feel about him? it still doesn't make sense to me.

In my past w/hearing men, if they are not interested, they don't ask that question if they are not interested, because the girl will get the idea that they are interested so.....it doesn't make any sense to me.
 
What I don't get is if he wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with me, why ask me to tell him how I feel about him? it still doesn't make sense to me.

In my past w/hearing men, if they are not interested, they don't ask that question if they are not interested, because the girl will get the idea that they are interested so.....it doesn't make any sense to me.

It's a cultural difference as well as a personal one. I write this as an essentially hearing person who is casually dating a Deaf guy who has been very generous about sharing his culture and language, so this is just my own experience. Deaf people tend to be very direct (by hearing standards) when wanting information - he may just have been curious or he may have picked up mixed signals from you. He may have just been asking because he did not know. There's potentially a lot of subtlety and subtext you were throwing at him that he didn't catch - so he may not have known you cared in that way. "Not asking if you're not interested" is a learned behavior - usually something picked up through casual observation, an opportunity which he may not have had, so he may not have learned that behavior.

Or, he may have been unsure of how he felt about you. Although Deaf/hearing relationships can work, it very often puts the Deaf person at a lot of risk. It's a lot of work for Deaf people to communicate with their partners if those partners do not sign, there can be a lot of miscommunications and problems that result. In the end, he may have cared for you - but decided that he didn't want to pursue a relationship with a hearing partner.

-I don't really know if it is my place to write about this, but I thought it might help.
 

CrazyPaul

Active Member
What I don't get is if he wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with me, why ask me to tell him how I feel about him? it still doesn't make sense to me.

In my past w/hearing men, if they are not interested, they don't ask that question if they are not interested, because the girl will get the idea that they are interested so.....it doesn't make any sense to me.
You are right. It doesn't make sense. If I were you, I'd ask him why he wanted to know before telling him how I feel about him so that way if he said that he asked because he liked you, he hoped that you liked him, too. If he didn't give a reason why, he thinks about himself, IMO.
 

Bottesini

Old Deaf Ranter
Premium Member
Originally Posted by sparrow2 View Post
I looked in the ASL dictionary for the word empathy, and there is no sign for that word. How would you describe empathy or sign it in ASL?
There is. It's like both hands with the middle finger bent forward, go forward in circular motion, with the dominate hand slightly behind the non dominate.
 

sparrow2

Member
I have another question. Some deaf guys seem OK to talk to me until they ask if I am deaf. Once they find out that I'm not deaf, their whole presentation changes, and they eventually move on to someone else. I would like to understand this. It's almost as if I became a different person.
 

Calvin

In Hazzard County
Super Moderator
Premium Member
It is probably wise to be honest upfront before getting serious. If you wait to tell him you're not deaf, that would complicate things and hurt both feelings in the end. You would not want that to happen. :)


I have another question. Some deaf guys seem OK to talk to me until they ask if I am deaf. Once they find out that I'm not deaf, their whole presentation changes, and they eventually move on to someone else. I would like to understand this. It's almost as if I became a different person.
 
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