Burn out?

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Freya0821

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Can someone give me some guidance, please?
I just started dating a man who is deaf - I am hearing. It's only been a couple weeks and he's not real great at planning dates. But he's very attentive and will text me throughout the day and always says good morning and good night.

I'm not his girlfriend. We have only just started dating. I feel like it's too soon for it to start being like this. My issue is that I feel like there's a huge lack of romance. But I don't know how to say that without being an ass and making him feel bad.
 
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I'm not a mind reader but from what you're describing it does sound like he likes you but he's just doing a really bad job in the relationship. The fact he texts you throughout the day and then blows it in-person tells me he probably has social anxiety issues.

If I were you, see if you can confront him on if he feels insecure about being in a relationship because you keep getting a mixed message from him. And if he gives you a vague answer or tries to change the subject cut him loose. It may seem harsh but it's not a healthy relationship when you're doing all the heavy lifting. And by cutting him off hopefully it will give him a wake-up call.

Otherwise if he does give you a genuine answer give him another chance but make sure he knows he's on thin ice. Relationships are to be fulfilling and rewarding to both parties and he has to understand this.
 
Since you are hearing and he is Deaf, what is his primary method of communication? Does he use ASL? Do you know ASL? Do you know much about Deaf culture? Does he spend much time in the hearing world or does he mostly stay with his other Deaf friends?

I'm wondering these things because I'm wondering if it's easy for him to communicate with you from a distance because he can use his phone, but when you're together you guys aren't able to communicate because you don't "speak" the same language? Also, you say he's bad at planning dates? Are you the first hearing woman he has dated? Maybe he doesn't know what your expectations of a date should be. Is he insecure about taking you places where you'll be required to do a lot of the communicating because he thinks you'll want to go to places that will require oral communication.

Just curious as to whether you guys are on the same page about expectations.
 
Lysander said:
Since you are hearing and he is Deaf, what is his primary method of communication? Does he use ASL? Do you know ASL? Do you know much about Deaf culture? Does he spend much time in the hearing world or does he mostly stay with his other Deaf friends?

I'm wondering these things because I'm wondering if it's easy for him to communicate with you from a distance because he can use his phone, but when you're together you guys aren't able to communicate because you don't "speak" the same language? Also, you say he's bad at planning dates? Are you the first hearing woman he has dated? Maybe he doesn't know what your expectations of a date should be. Is he insecure about taking you places where you'll be required to do a lot of the communicating because he thinks you'll want to go to places that will require oral communication.

Just curious as to whether you guys are on the same page about expectations.
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He uses ASL and lip reads. I am learning ASL. He spends most of his time in the hearing world. I am learning as much as I can about deaf culture. But I also want to know HIM and who he is on every level. I don't want him to feel like I'm more focused on his being deaf than anything else. It's a big part of him (probably the biggest part), but it's not all of who he is. He's incredibly smart and kind. I have no idea if I'm the first hearing woman he's dated - but I don't think I am. He works a lot and I honestly think he's trying. He's flat out asked about doing things weeks/months down the road - but the more immediate future is where the gaps are...

He said his family knows about me. When I saw him the day I made this post and it was amazing! He texts me every day and, when I'm with him, there is definitely chemistry. I feel like I am trying to walk the line of figuring out if he's just a grown man who has kids and a life - or I'm on the back burner until he feels like seeing me.

I did ask him if we are on the same page romantically and he said of course. Honestly, it's easier face-to-face. It's the making the plans and feeling like an after thought that's bothering me. I really like him, but I'm having trouble reading the whole situation.
 
Any relationship will take time. It sounds like you both are trying hard. I'm sort of like your fellow. I'm great in text or email but in person I'm completely the opposite! Doesn't mean that I don't care or don't like a person. Just happens that I'm largely an introvert and prefer text/written word. I do know ASL but came to it late (18) so am not necessarily a native plus after I left college opportunities to stay in the deaf community shrank a great deal for me so less opportunity to keep with my ASL (but haven't forgotten it).

I'd say try not to overthink it and just enjoy your time with him. It does sound like he wants to be with you. I could be wrong as I'm no expert to be honest...:).
 
Welll...if he's working a lot, then time isn't on his side to make definite plans?....feel definitely he does like you...just taking it nice & slow. He wouldn't be keeping in touch w/you everyday if he wasn't interested ?? Being friends first is the way to go. I wouldn't rush him at all.
 
DeafDucky said:
Any relationship will take time. It sounds like you both are trying hard. I'm sort of like your fellow. I'm great in text or email but in person I'm completely the opposite! Doesn't mean that I don't care or don't like a person. Just happens that I'm largely an introvert and prefer text/written word. I do know ASL but came to it late (18) so am not necessarily a native plus after I left college opportunities to stay in the deaf community shrank a great deal for me so less opportunity to keep with my ASL (but haven't forgotten it).

I'd say try not to overthink it and just enjoy your time with him. It does sound like he wants to be with you. I could be wrong as I'm no expert to be honest...:).
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rockin'robin said:
Welll...if he's working a lot, then time isn't on his side to make definite plans?....feel definitely he does like you...just taking it nice & slow. He wouldn't be keeping in touch w/you everyday if he wasn't interested ?? Being friends first is the way to go. I wouldn't rush him at all.
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I'm trying not to overthink anything but it's hard. He asked me to meet his family & kids - to me that's a big deal, especially since I don't know exactly where I stand with him. Part of me wants to ask him if he's sure about me/us before I do. But I can't tell if that's me being prudent or if that's my own insecurities talking. So I feel like some areas are moving slow and others are skipping along rapidly. It gives me mixed feelings since we talk daily, but don't have firm/consistent plans, when we do they feel like he's uncertain of what should be happening, and then we see each other and it's amazing. Did I mention I hate dating...??? :laugh2:
 
I used to date a hearing guy but lack of communication and not make time for me he acted like all weird when I started college back in 2014.. he WILL not admit so I told him straighten up nice try u don't really tell me when u were free so don't piss me off again.. he gulped cuz he thought I stood him up no he really never told me when he was free.. so oh well now I'm back to square one looking thru other dating apps.. ugh pain in my ass.. lol
 
hearing & deaf relationships will not work, you better stay in your hearing world.

we need more deaf babies.
 
authentic said:
hearing & deaf relationships will not work, you better stay in your hearing world.

we need more deaf babies.
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Bless your heart... But if this doesn't work it will be because we aren't compatible - not because he's deaf and I'm hearing. I like him because he's kind, smart, funny, affectionate, and an amazing person. I would be an absolute idiot to walk based alone on the fact that he's deaf and I'm hearing.

As for staying in my "hearing world"... it's not like I'm entering the Labyrinth. I'm dating a man who is deaf. He's not another species. I'm well aware that this is going to take another level of effort on my part to make sure we are able to fully communicate. Hence my studying ASL. We've talked about going to movies that have captioning. Hell, I've also looked up which Broadway shows have it too. The only thing (so far) that has given me pause is when he said that, when we fight, he will take out his hearing aids when he's done so he can't hear me. He was joking - so I made it clear my retaliation would be ice water over the shower curtain if he decides to pull that.

So, why in the world would I break it off when I think he's genuinely a great guy who just happens to be deaf?
 
most deaf babies come from hearing parents FYI.
and most deaf parents have hearing babies- some do have deaf babies due to heredity.

I know of at least two deaf/hoh friends who married hearing people... and one HOH guy who grew up oral (learned ASL in his 30s) and married a deaf woman who grew up attending deaf schools and does not use her voice much.
 
authentic said:
hearing & deaf relationships will not work, you better stay in your hearing world.

we need more deaf babies.
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I have been married to my hearing hubby for 12 years now and we are doing great. I am deaf. I think it helps that he is fluent in ASL. My best friend is deaf and married to a hearing guy for 20 years and she has always wanted to leave him. He has not learned more than a handful of signs for her and she resents him big time. Communication is very very important and often that seems to be the biggest problem in a lot of deaf/hearing relationships.
 
I recall reading an article in college about deaf-hearing relationships. According to the study, Deaf woman are more willing to hearing men than Deaf men dating hearing women. Yet, marriage between deaf-hearing, Deaf man/hearing woman marriages have lower divorce rates than Deaf woman/hearing man. This is largely due to hearing women are more likely to learn ASL and participate in the Deaf community. Hearing men rarely learn to sign and stay in the hearing world.

As an ASL instructor, nearly all of my students are hearing females. It is surprising when a hearing man takes the class. Occasionally, I do get a late-deaf man in the class. I find that other teachers around have the same in their classes.

After dating for 5 years, I married my hearing wife two years ago. So far, so good :). She does not sign fluently but she is trying. I have mentioned in other threads that she has some learning disabilities that make remembering things difficult. Overall, we have good communication and a lot of things in common that make us a good match.
 
zephren said:
I recall reading an article in college about deaf-hearing relationships. According to the study, Deaf woman are more willing to hearing men than Deaf men dating hearing women. Yet, marriage between deaf-hearing, Deaf man/hearing woman marriages have lower divorce rates than Deaf woman/hearing man. This is largely due to hearing women are more likely to learn ASL and participate in the Deaf community. Hearing men rarely learn to sign and stay in the hearing world.

As an ASL instructor, nearly all of my students are hearing females. It is surprising when a hearing man takes the class. Occasionally, I do get a late-deaf man in the class. I find that other teachers around have the same in their classes.

After dating for 5 years, I married my hearing wife two years ago. So far, so good :). She does not sign fluently but she is trying. I have mentioned in other threads that she has some learning disabilities that make remembering things difficult. Overall, we have good communication and a lot of things in common that make us a good match.
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Thats why I get so many shocked comments from so many people about my hubby because he is a rare one. A hearing man who learned ASL after meeting deaf people. He never took a class..he learned by socializing with deaf people through his ex fiancee who is deaf.
 
shel90 said:
I have been married to my hearing hubby for 12 years now and we are doing great. I am deaf. I think it helps that he is fluent in ASL. My best friend is deaf and married to a hearing guy for 20 years and she has always wanted to leave him. He has not learned more than a handful of signs for her and she resents him big time. Communication is very very important and often that seems to be the biggest problem in a lot of deaf/hearing relationships.
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How are they even able to be in a relationship? How do they communicate? How do they argue? How do they express their love and gratitude for one another? This just baffles me.
 
zephren said:
As an ASL instructor, nearly all of my students are hearing females. It is surprising when a hearing man takes the class. Occasionally, I do get a late-deaf man in the class. I find that other teachers around have the same in their classes.
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I started an ASL study meetup in my area. I'm the only male member. I'm taking an ASL class and my best friend and I are the only males. We signed up together.

My best friend and I are, however, both gay. So this actually lends more credence to your point. Gay people's socialization tends to fall somewhere between male and female. I don't know of any straight Deaf/hearing couples, but off the top of my head I can think of 5 gay or lesbian Deaf/hearing couples that I personally interact with.
 
Hubby and I are both hearing and we took our ASL classes together. Two other hearing married couples at our church also sign. Two of our hearing missionary couples who have deaf ministries overseas sign. So, there are a few hearing men who make the effort to learn. :)

I've known several Deaf/hearing straight couples; some signed with each other, some didn't, and some were successful and some weren't.

What's really sad is when hearing parents don't learn to sign with their deaf children.
 
Reba said:
What's really sad is when hearing parents don't learn to sign with their deaf children.
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I'm of the opinion that this should be considered neglect and child and youth should be involved. Depriving your child of language is abusive.
 
Reba, I always wondered if TCS learned sign too. Does he still use it?
 
AlleyCat said:
Reba, I always wondered if TCS learned sign too. Does he still use it?
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Yes, he did learn it. We haven't had as much opportunity to use it lately but he hasn't forgotten it. He's better at receptive than expressive but he can converse. He's not self-conscious about signing in public at all.
 
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