Beginning to feel rather worthless, and not sure how to handle it

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November Gypsy

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Well, before I start, I would like to say that I don't normally grovel in self-pity...espeically over my loss of hearing. But, I am having a bad night tonight, and I need to vent, and, hopefully, I'll feel a little better.

I've had progressive hearing loss for 3-4 years now for an unknown reason. I realize that there are a lot of worse things out there, and so, for the most part, I try to just cope and be happy. I'm now considered severely hoh, and I'm finding, more and more, that people mumble (if they speak at all) and that I can barely hear my baby cry, even with the hearing aids. This isconcerning, but again, there are ways to cope, so normally, I just deal with it.

Lately though, my beloved husband has been getting more and more impatient with me. I can see his eyes harden with irration when I have to ask again and again what he said. I love him so much, and to know that I am bothering him breaks my heart.

My mother (who lives a way away from me) doesn't understand why I don't like to talk a lot on the phone. She doesn't understand that I can't understand her very well and that I get exausted from trying.

I also stutter when I'm nervous, and since I am nervous around crowds (i.e. grocery stores), I stutter while trying to explain why the cashier/pharmacist/receptionist/whatever I need them to speak up and look at me. They think I'm mentally challanged. If my husband's there, they will totally ignore me from that point on and only talk to him, or, if he isn't, they'll treat me as if I might suddenly start rocking and flapping my arms or start screaming hysterally or something. This is so unfair, and it really hurts my feelings. I'm going deaf, and I stutter. It doesn't mean I'm mentally challenged. How do you deal with this? Is there a way to be polite and kind but make it clear that you aren't an imbecile? And how do you deal with people you love most in your life suddenly having very little patience for something you simply can't change? I know I sound like I'm whining, but I really just need some advice. I'll be more together tommorrow...just right now I feel so very alone and worthless.
 
Hello, I'm sorry to read that you are having a bad night but alot of us do deal with that everyday.

I hope that things do and I'm sure things will get better for you as you and your family learn to deal with this. I would suggest that you have a heart to heart with your hubby when both of you are calm and you explain to him how you are feeling and try to make it clear that it's just as hard on you as it is on him.

I'll let others that has experiences with hearing loss over time take over. I do wish you well and hope things improve for you in future.
 
Secretblend said:
Hello, I'm sorry to read that you are having a bad night but alot of us do deal with that everyday.

I hope that things do and I'm sure things will get better for you as you and your family learn to deal with this. I would suggest that you have a heart to heart with your hubby when both of you are calm and you explain to him how you are feeling and try to make it clear that it's just as hard on you as it is on him.

I'll let others that has experiences with hearing loss over time take over. I do wish you well and hope things improve for you in future.
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Thanks for your answer! I just wanted to say that I know from the bottom of my heart that every one has to deal with this stuff. That's why I'm asking about it. I'm asking how they handle it. I'm not trying to say that I have it worse then anyone, because, over all, I know I have things pretty good. I just don't feel very good right now, that's all! Thanks again!
 
November Gypsy said:
Thanks for your answer! I just wanted to say that I know from the bottom of my heart that every one has to deal with this stuff. That's why I'm asking about it. I'm asking how they handle it. I'm not trying to say that I have it worse then anyone, because, over all, I know I have things pretty good. I just don't feel very good right now, that's all! Thanks again!
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No problem. That is why I said that I'll let others that has same experience talk to you about this cause I don't know what it's like to lose hearing later in life.

Just remember this, things will get better as everybody learns to deal with your loss. :)
 
JennyB and Alicia are both late deafened and can probably help if they see your thread.:wave:
 
In reply, the best thing to do is,

!. YOUR MOTHER-tell her that ur finding it harder and harder to converse on the phone and see if u 2 can come to some sort of arrangement, be it using minicoms, text,etc-that way this should with any luck ease the frustration.

2. YOUR HUBBY-i have the same problem as i'm profoundly deaf and my other half is hearing-learning to find the right communication is vital if ur going to have a pain-free marriage-or in other words TALK to each other to reach a solution.

3. Don't be shy about going/being deaf when confronted by shop employees!-inform them 1st hand of ur disability-if any rudeness is encountered-1 thing to do COMPLAIN!!!-trouble these days is no 1 ever does-with the exception of shops owners-they need us to buy!!!-hope this helps-oh yes are u signing-if not get to a class as may improve ur confidence!:ty:
 
Firstly your husband is being a prick. Thought I'd get that out of the way.

Is there a way to be polite and kind but make it clear that you aren't an imbecile?
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Maybe, but polite and kind shouldn't be your first priority.Whenever you're talking to somebody you should expect for them to accommodate you. Say something that describes your needs in a semi-forceful way such as "You need to speak up for me" or "Look at me while you're talking" and follow up with "I'm HOH"/"I'm lipreading" if you care enough. It may be somewhat impolite, but you won't get called out for it and it works for me.
 
dave1971 said:
In reply, the best thing to do is,

!. YOUR MOTHER-tell her that ur finding it harder and harder to converse on the phone and see if u 2 can come to some sort of arrangement, be it using minicoms, text,etc-that way this should with any luck ease the frustration.

2. YOUR HUBBY-i have the same problem as i'm profoundly deaf and my other half is hearing-learning to find the right communication is vital if ur going to have a pain-free marriage-or in other words TALK to each other to reach a solution.

3. Don't be shy about going/being deaf when confronted by shop employees!-inform them 1st hand of ur disability-if any rudeness is encountered-1 thing to do COMPLAIN!!!-trouble these days is no 1 ever does-with the exception of shops owners-they need us to buy!!!-hope this helps-oh yes are u signing-if not get to a class as may improve ur confidence!:ty:[/QUOTE

Thanks for the reply. My mother will think that I am using a crutch if I suggest using any special technology. But, maybe after she hasn't talked to me for a few weeks, she'll begin to understand what I mean. I hate to do that, but she isn't listening. My husband and I will figure it out. He's a good man, really, and I know it's important to keep trying. Shop employees are my worst nightmare right now. I'm not much of a confronter. But I guess I'm going to have to be more assertive to survive! Thanks for the advice!
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Mockingbird said:
Firstly your husband is being a prick. Thought I'd get that out of the way.



Maybe, but polite and kind shouldn't be your first priority.Whenever you're talking to somebody you should expect for them to accommodate you. Say something that describes your needs in a semi-forceful way such as "You need to speak up for me" or "Look at me while you're talking" and follow up with "I'm HOH"/"I'm lipreading" if you care enough. It may be somewhat impolite, but you won't get called out for it and it works for me.
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:lol: You are so subtle. I understand why you said that, but he really isn't. I guess this is a big adjustment for everyone, and I'm hyper sensetive. I just wish everyone I met could experience being hoh for one day and then maybe they'd get it. Thanks for the advice!
 
Have you ever considered joining an adjustment to disability support group? Or getting family counseling related to adjustment to disability? It is really very effective in situations such as yours.
 
First off...YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS.

My suggestion to you is: Sit down and have a heart to heart with your spouse...let him know how you feel and what you are going through. He needs to be patient and understanding with you, especially right now. Also, I don't know if you know ASL or not, but take a beginners class, you will find such joy in signing and you can teach your husband and baby. You may also meet new people who may be in your situation.

I would also read up on hearing loss, go to your library...use the internet, there is a wealth of information out there.

If all else fails...speak to a therpist so you can learn to adjust to your situation.

And you are NOT using technology for the deaf/hoh as a crutch. If it is available to you, use it! Sometimes your county office offers programs for the Deaf/HOH and will distribute Cap-Tel phones, carbon mionxide and smoke detectors free of charge.

Best of luck to you!!!!
 
It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself.

It's those other people (including your husband and mother) that need to have the patience and understand your needs.

You're losing your hearing and they have to accept that. They also have to be willing to work with you instead of just getting irritated and frustrated about it.

Your husband married you... 'til death do you part. He married you because he loves you. If he's going to get frustrated and impatient with your hearing loss, then he's not willing to work with you... where's the love in that?

Your mother is your mother. She raised you. Like every mother, she should accept you for who you are regardless of your hearing loss.

Have you tried having a talk with both of them and explained your needs? Let them know how you feel. Let them know what you need. Tell them to be patient.

Perhaps, you can learn sign language as an alternative to communicate since you mentioned your hearing loss is getting worse.
 
jillio said:
Have you ever considered joining an adjustment to disability support group? Or getting family counseling related to adjustment to disability? It is really very effective in situations such as yours.
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I didn't even know such a thing exsisted, to be honest (as far as the support group for adjustment to disability). Interestingly enough, I am learned disabilied (discalulia, if anyone knows what that means) and I was diagonised with Auditory Processing Disorder as a child. So I have adjusted to other issues, just having a little trouble with this one. My husband is really very loving...but he isn't 'getting' it, I don't think. But, how could he, really. I mean...you don't know what it's like unless you are hoh or deaf. Anyway, I will definately look into the things you mentioned! Thanks so much!
 
deafjellyfish said:
First off...YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS.

My suggestion to you is: Sit down and have a heart to heart with your spouse...let him know how you feel and what you are going through. He needs to be patient and understanding with you, especially right now. Also, I don't know if you know ASL or not, but take a beginners class, you will find such joy in signing and you can teach your husband and baby. You may also meet new people who may be in your situation.

I would also read up on hearing loss, go to your library...use the internet, there is a wealth of information out there.

If all else fails...speak to a therpist so you can learn to adjust to your situation.

And you are NOT using technology for the deaf/hoh as a crutch. If it is available to you, use it! Sometimes your county office offers programs for the Deaf/HOH and will distribute Cap-Tel phones, carbon mionxide and smoke detectors free of charge.

Best of luck to you!!!!
Click to expand...

I have actually just started a beginners class...and really enjoying it. I show it to my baby every day, and am hopeing to get my husband invovled. Reading up on hearing loss was great advice, and, believe me, I've done it. I know I'm not alone, but since I am also the only person I know that is hoh/deaf, it's hard not to feel a little isolated at times. And, yes, I just starting going to a therapist. We'll see what she has to say. I can't say I'm not scared. I am. But I'm trying, really really hard to adjust gracefully and without bothering anyone. Thanks so much for the info about the county office! I will so definately check into that! Thank you thank you thank you!
 
VamPyroX said:
It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself.

It's those other people (including your husband and mother) that need to have the patience and understand your needs.

You're losing your hearing and they have to accept that. They also have to be willing to work with you instead of just getting irritated and frustrated about it.

Your husband married you... 'til death do you part. He married you because he loves you. If he's going to get frustrated and impatient with your hearing loss, then he's not willing to work with you... where's the love in that?

Your mother is your mother. She raised you. Like every mother, she should accept you for who you are regardless of your hearing loss.

Have you tried having a talk with both of them and explained your needs? Let them know how you feel. Let them know what you need. Tell them to be patient.

Perhaps, you can learn sign language as an alternative to communicate since you mentioned your hearing loss is getting worse.
Click to expand...

My husband, I think, is a little scared.He is loving, but he has some depressional issues and I think he doesn't really think out how he is acting sometimes. My mother...my mother is a whooolllleee other ballgame. I love her, I really do, but she is not...very...easy to deal with. She just doesn't want me to 'accept' this. I think she thinks that if I keep fighting admitting that I can't hear, that maybe I won't go deaf. Not logical of course, but there it is. She's always been like that. She doesn't accept help when she needs it so she thinks that her children shouldn't either. Again, I love her....but...well...she is who she is. I have tried to talk to both. My husband can be very understanding...and then he forgets. But I suppose having to repeat oneself a hundred times would be very irriating. It breaks my heart to be a problem, that's the thing. I've always liked the background the best. And, now, I'm needing 'special' consideration. I will survive of course. And I will learn how to be me with out being able to hear, it's just frightening sometimes. Thanks!
 
Does anybody have a good link to the voice recordings of what a person with hearing loss is actually hearing?

If there is one, Gypsy, have your husband and mother listen to those recordings. I am hoping they would get the idea of what you are going thru.
 
Bottesini said:
JennyB and Alicia are both late deafened and can probably help if they see your thread.:wave:
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FYI - I by no means identify as 'late deafened". I was hoh my whole life and later it turned profound but I am Deaf. I use ASL close to 90% of the time and I am fully involved in the Deaf community. ASL is my first language, even if I did spend most of my youth oral :)

I didn't have a lot of the same issues that people who identify as late deafened do, but I can offer a little bit of guidance!

For the OP...

You mentioned you don't like speaking when you are alone. I don't like speaking either and most of the time I don't. Instead, I write notes or gesture. I have a little notebook and a pencil with me at all times. I have a few things in the book that I say a lot, like my order at 'Second Cup' or some of my main restaurant orders. I have my address and personal information written down so if I am at the pharmacy or doctors office and they need it I have it there and ready. I have important medical information pre-recorded too.

Someone else may have mentioned this already but I haven't had time to read all the posts!

Best of luck!
 
Sorry JennyB. I think I must have mixed you up with someone else. Someone lost the hearing about a year ago.

Now I don't know who it was. :dunno:
 
So similar...

Wow, have you been peeking into my life?? :shock:

I agree with Jenny. I have given up talking. My terp (interpreter) told me that if I don't talk then the shop keepers don't expect me to hear.

Do:
>Keep a notepad and pen/pencil at all times
>Expect others to accomodate you - it's the law!
>Learn ASL and try to find deaf friends, churches, or even youtube! (gotta love that Coda Wann) Does your town have Deaf Pizza?? A night out with a deaf community or club?
>Have patience with "stupid" people. Nothing else works, just gets more :roll:
>Contact your local disability office, Jenny is absolutely correct.
I got a phone, lessons, one on one with a certified interpreter, and she
even gave my employers a good "talking to"!
>Sign with baby, baby sign classes are fun for you both and will improve his/her language conceptual skills. (baby understands and uses language faster) take care of that little CODA! (Child of Deaf Adult)
>Research Deaf Technology and use it. My qwerty keyboard is my friend!
>Ok, now this one is going to seem wacky - but - try to think of one or more GOOD things about deafness. Really! (like fewer calls from mom?)ha!

Heres my happy thoughts - My husband is an avid tv chanel surfer. We used to fight a lot about it. Now, so what??? I also sleep more soundly, storms etc. used to bother me. With your baby, you can get an alarm that will vibrate when baby cries.


Don't:
Give up
Get discouraged
Forget others care
Think that hubby doesn't love you.
He may be showing a stage of grief. My old fellow went fishing the day of the surgery when I went deaf. My friends were outraged. He just has a different way of grieving. He loves me and I love him, he shows his love in lots of ways. He is still kinda dorky. Like the time he told me Deaf looked great on a resume..... or that I would make a great terp.... sigh. I put some wax plug things in his ears for only 30 minutes so that he could see what it might be like. He agreed to do it. Man, was his attitude different afterwards.


I am no expert, but old and nosy counts for something! (Deaf/hoh and proud to be me) Lots of love your way, and I know it's hard, but find ways to cope, comp and maybe a little humor in small, appropriate places?
 
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