Belliosto

Hello, I have many family and friends who are Deaf. When hearing family and friends meet with Deaf, little is said, and hearing communicate in front of deaf all the time. Should Deaf family and/or friends use oral language to talk with hearing? Some family is very nice, other not. Do you have solution to this problem?

Deafness

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shel90

If these Deaf people dont have any oral/speech skills, how will they be able to communicate orally? Also, there is the issue of reception end. I can communicate orally but when everyone starts talking, I am totally lost and get left out. So, whether one can communicate orally or not, deaf people usually get lost or left out.

Why cant the family learn sign language?

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Bebonang

I have to agree with Shel90. Why do we have to communicate with hearing people/family members who refused to learn sign language with us? They expected us to talk to them orally. That was a one-way street connection to the hearing family members because we get lost or left out for not understanding what they are talking about. They did not take the time to communicate with us by signing or writing down on papers if we don't understand what the conversation was taking place. If I asked what are they talking about and one or another told me "never mind". That really pissed me off but I managed to keep it bottle up and not show my feeling of emotion. If I had a conversation with my Mom or Dad. That will work okay, but not in a group. I had asked my family mostly my mom and my dad if they can learn sign language to communicate with me. They said "no", because I talked and I can lipread well but to me it is not one hundred percent accurate to understand someone's lips. I asked my sister if she can learned sign language with me. She said she will try but I learned later that she can only fingerspell but not sign the sign language like See or ASL. When I am with hearing people especially family members, I still get left out. I am only lucky that I have a hearing son who is in his 30ish and still able to sign ASL with me. I taught him to sign when he was a toddler. We communicate better with signs than oral. Of course I talked oral with him sometimes. He never left me out and I am very happy with him. But orally with family members, the answer is no.

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Bottesini

If they see each other only rarely, the hearing family members won't have a way to practice and keep up with sign so you might as well just do the best you can.

If it is every day interaction, the hearing members should not have a lot of difficulty learning sign if everyone is determined.

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~*Kaelei*~

No.... I honestly think they shouldn't. I think it should be other way... I think they should take time to learn ASL and then include the deaf family members into the conversations between Hearing and deaf people.

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MoonDrifter

The tables are turned for my parents. They are both hearing and do not know sign language. So when I sign to them, they are clueless as to what I am talking about. With my CI on, I am able to communicate with them orally and they had put me through oral school for the deaf. There are times when I wish that I had learned sign language while I was growing up. Since that did not happen, I'm learning sign language as of this year so I can communicate with my deaf friends. Knowing more than one language has its kicks over knowing only one.

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AlleyCat

MoonDrifter

weird how?

would you rather know one language with which to communicate with or three different languages?

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Bottesini

That's WERD dude!

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deafannieboo

Being born hearing my family never had a reason to learn to sign nor I. When I became deaf, I did myself a disservice and made sure that my "disability" would never be a burden to anyone! Therefore I made serious progress with speech reading so that my family and friends wouldnt have to learn to sign. Now I seriously regret that decision. Now I'm trying to convince my family and friends to learn to sign in order to make life easier for me and them. Lip reading solely requires waaayyy to much effort on my part and is just out and out not fair! So thankfully it seems my family and close buddies are trying to see things from my view as best they can. my life long friend thankfully now chats with me threw messenger and web cam and were are able to practice signing skills even though she lives over 4 hrs from me! Where there's a WILL there's a WAY!

LDNanna

Here we have lots of Spanish speakers. Try to lip read that. Pbfllt! Before deafness, I learned Spanish as much as I could. (basic, survival and niceties) Now, I wish someone would do the same courtesy for me. One son, he texts a lot, two, he ignores me, 3 he is nice and sits close and talks deep voiced. Helps a bit, but must have itchy bothersome has in for their visits and they don't help much. My daughter sits close so I can attempt lip reading and she leans into my better ear. Pbffflllt!

No - that's my answer. I visit with them and enjoy their personal company. I find I don't have to "talk" to enjoy their company. I am late deaf though. I can talk, but like Shel, can't hear. I get left out a lot.

I agree with Bebonang. Oooh, I dislike being told "never mind". That really bugs me.

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dogmom

I don't know what is going to happen with my hearing loss and also don't know if folks will be offended that I answered but my husband said he will learn ASL for me. If you know him that is quite amazing. I sign some; he is oral and deaf w/o hearing aids. He grew up in very rural small community where I think he was one of the only deaf people. He found it hard to communicate with his family growing up but at the same time feels very uncomfortable with ASL, but he has attempted very little bit at home between us. Just recently he's tried a little more. He knows ; I taught him that many years ago. But I personally think the family/friends of Deaf individual should learn ASL or sign as much as they can, especially if they will be seeing that individual often and want to have real relationship with them. I have not told my folks about my hearing loss as my mother has been very sick.
I think learning different languages is overall very helpful for me too. I majored in Spanish in college and have used that often here. I also know a tidbit of Russian, some Yiddish.

AlleyCat

MoonDrifter, Botts is correct when my post said "WERD". Means I totally agreed with your statement that I quoted. Sorry you misunderstood and thought it said "weird".

Belliosto

Hello and thank you for respond to me. For many years hearing family, who we visited during holidays, not all the time, would talk with Deaf then talk with hearing. Talk with each other always exclude Deaf. Tried to convince some of family to sign ASL. They did go to classes but have to be with Deaf more often. So they lost it. Now young family in the picture and they find it awkward to be with grandparents who are Deaf. They don't see it that they have to work at communication. I personally see this as part responsibilty of grandparents too. To try make it easier for them. I suggest that they even encourage hearing grandkids to oral communicate but work at open mouth more. IIIII wwwwaaaannnnt ssssooooommmme iiiiiiccccceeee cccccrrrreeeeaaaammmmm. As well as sign. Always can rely on open mouth. Better than the kids asking hearing to ask this and ask what is being said by grandparents. But yeah, somewhat dysfunctional that hearing try to avoid Deaf and do best to be nice to Deaf and talk with hearing. I think you have to plunge in with Deaf culture if you are to sign. If not maybe some sign but not enough.

Daredevel7

I agree with Bottesini's post #4. And Belliosto just reinforced it. Some of his/her family did go to class but they just don't get enough practice to sign well enough to hold a conversation. You just have to do the best you can. My ASL class ended a few weeks ago and I already forgot some signs...... I'm hanging out with some deaf people this weekend though... so I'll get a little brush up.

rjcon88

It depends on the individual person. If they feel comfortable using oral communication, then I say more power to them... after all, someone did say two languages are better than one.

Dixie

It would be nice if my family were more considerate of my hearing loss and instead of taking advantage of it to leave me out of conversations on purpose, they should be aware that I do have feelings even if I don't hear. Even a simple conversation over a meal is difficult sometimes.

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Babyblue

LOL My step Grandmother was Spanish speaking (RIP, great lady!). We used a lot of gestures, pointing and laughter! But we ended up understanding each other in some weird way.

Game of charade? anyone?

I agree with Botts. This was a family member that I did not see often. When there is a will their is a way.

We can not expect everyone to know the language that we know. If that was true. We would all be using a Universal Language.

whatdidyousay!

I do not know sign language , so I talk to my family when we get together. But I end up getting left out as everyone stop talking loud enough for me to hear them! I will ask people to speak louder , but it really does no good! Then everyone want to know why I am upset and hate getting together! Hearing people do not get it! My older sister keep trying to get me to join book club or some group to meet people , I keep telling her I can't hear in groups!

Babyblue

Getting together with a group of hearing people conversing can be challenging.

But I do not avoid going to family activities or group activities due so. I am usually fortunate enough to have at least one person to relay what is going on. So I am not too left out. I may not catch everything at the time. But I do feel welcome. My hearing friends and family even tells me that they do not catch everyones conversation due to they are talking over each other. So that makes me feel better as well. Hearing people can not hear and understand more than one person talking at a time as well. Usually group conversations are broken up to individuals talking to each other.

shel90

That's nice that you have at least one person to help out. It sucks when the whole family doesnt help out, says "nevermind", "I will tell you later", or make faces when my brother and I ask them what was everyone saying. After years of this, it becomes hurtful.

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Babyblue

Don't get me wrong.. I do get those often. Those are the ones that I do not waste my time with. Plenty of other people to talk to that do not shrug me away with a "never mind" "Tell ya later" etc.


It is only hurtful when a family membe, r or someone I care about does this. I do make them aware of it.

Daredevel7

Let me see if I understand this: (You is general you)

You want others to learn ASL.
Some do take ASL class, but can't be fluent enough to say what they wanna say. In order to be fluent, they must hang out with deaf people on a consistent basis, which is unrealistic.

When they DO know some ASL, you expect them to be able to translate what's going on in ASL? I suspect that when they say never mind, it's because it's too hard for them to be able to sign what they wanna say. I can hold a conversation in ASL, but if I try to translate something specific, pfffffffttt I have an extremely hard time due to my limited vocabulary. Sometimes I resort to speaking out the word just because it's easier.

You get upset when family members invite you over to group settings. Does this mean you don't want them to invite you at all?

shel90

If they invite us but ignore us then why invite us in the first place?

One time, I went to a family gathering for my grandfather's 70th birthday..Everyone in the family was there and then all of his 5 girls (my mom was one of them) sat him down and took turns telling stories about growing up with him and everyone, my cousins, their spouses, kids were laughing and crying while my brother and I sat there the whole time clueless to what everyone was saying. I asked one of my aunts what everyone was saying and she waved me away saying she will tell me later. So much for sharing a special moment with my family. We might as well not be there. I was so hurt that night and it has been 10 years and I have forgiven them but never forgot. To this day, I still dont know what all of his daughter said to him.

By learning some ASL, if not all, would at least show some respect. That's my opinion especially with my brother having no lipreading and no speech skills. If not learn ASL, then at least take the time to ensure that my brother and I are included. Is that so much to ask? I already have good oral skills but I need some help from them too.

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whatdidyousay!

You're lucky to have one person to keep you in the loop , I did not have that . We do not have any more famiy get together as our mom dies last year and only got together for mom birthdays. Mom was the glue that held use together! I miss her so much!

AlleyCat

I don't think that was exactly what anyone was trying to say. I have been in this situation countless times where I simply don't understand what's being said or going on. It doesn't stop me from going to see them. However, I'm usually the first one to leave, and occasionally I don't go over at all. But I'm not upset at the actual invitation.

Daredevel7

I was trying to point out the fact there aren't too many other realistic options. I mean the situation is upsetting yes, but would you rather for them to not invite you at all?

I must admit that I've done a variation of "I'll tell you later" with other deaf people. I was hanging out with both hearing and deaf people in a group. The hearing people didn't know signs at ALL. Someone in a group was telling a story and in the middle of it, a deaf person tapped me and was like "what did he say?", but I had to say/motion "hold on." because I had to look at the guy to lipread him. He wasn't finished with the story. When he was done with it, I made a comment then turned to the deaf guy to attempt to sign out the story. It didn't come out as funny in my pathetic signing and I missed out what the other hearing people said regarding to my comment. It was an awkward situation but I honestly have no idea what else I could have done. What do you think I should have done?

AlleyCat

Actually, your post below is your original quote. I don't think anyone was saying that we did not want us to be invited at all. Who said "we get upset when family members invite us over to group settings" ? We may not like feeling ignored or "I'll tell you later", etc. but I'm not sure anyone has actually conveyed they don't want to be invited at all. Not trying to be argumentive here, of course.

AlleyCat

I would rather be included in a family event than to be outright slighted by not getting invited at all. I can just be the first to leave or whatever if I was bored by lack of understanding what was going on. But to be slighted altogether by family would not be a pleasant feeling.

Daredevel7

I guess I was referring to this post:
That's why I brought it up. But it doesn't technically say that s/he does not want to be invited to group settings. I just get that impression. I could be wrong.