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Unread 01-30-2011, 03:07 AM   #1
somedeafguy
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My GF still hangs out with her ex

Just would like to hear your feedback...

Knowing how small the deaf population, deaf people values each other's presence makes it harder for people to go separate ways.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 months and we’re crazy over each other. However, she still hangs out with her ex. She tells me that she does not possess any romantic feelings toward to her ex. What bothers me is that she continues to hang out with her ex at events or alone.

Few weeks ago, her ex threw a tantrum and, in result, it put her at a breaking point then she asked her for a break from each other. So, they went on for almost a month without hanging out but solemnly text to each other. Recently, she told me that she misses his company (I don’t know if I should be worried or not). I asked her what if her ex begs you to go back with him, what would you say to him? She told me that she will tell him to try to move on. Now they are hanging out again and recently went out to eat alone. She knows that this still bothers me a little, but I never asked her to stop hanging out… nor bring myself to do that in first place.

Now, the question is… am I overreacting or should I be worried? Should I be the “bad person” and give her the ultimatum?

Thanks for your feedback!

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Unread 01-30-2011, 06:42 AM   #2
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That is really a tough position to put yourself into this. You will never know what will going on between your girlfriend and her ex when they go out on their own. Only god knows the truth. I mean, how would your girlfriend feel if you decided to hang out with your ex just like your girlfriend doing it now. What would be her react to it? That would put me in an uneasy feeling and I have know what it is like because my ex did the same thing. What I did was to sat down with her and had a long talk with her about it and tell her how I felt about it. It did not work out eventually because things get too complicated. I mean, it might work out for you at first but in a long run, it might not. Being with ex is not going to go away unless she put her turning point to stop this from breaking apart between you and her.

It is not your decision to what to tell her that she should not to do this and that because it is her decision that she has to make that she might regret it later on. It's her choice but it is also your choice on what you feel it's right for you by follow your heart.

If it was me, I would be damn worried about it because in this big picture, it doesn't look damn right. It would put you more confusing, uneasy, betrayal in some way, and feel like what the f..., you know.

You need to ask her why in the world she would want to continue to hang out with her ex while stay together with you? I am sorry but it is really tough to answer your question but I tried my best.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 08:26 AM   #3
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As yourself this.."Do I feel comfortable with this?"

If you dont, then follow your heart. Nobody should have to feel uncomfortable in their relationship so if she continues and you still dont feel comfortable maybe it is a sign that the relationship isnt right for you.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 09:37 AM   #4
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Your girlfriend doesn't seem very considerate of your feelings. Are you sure that she's crazy about you? Or is she just self-centered?
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Unread 01-30-2011, 10:46 AM   #5
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She obviously has some types of feelings towards her ex. She can not let him go and misses him.

I agree with Shel, If you do not feel comfortable. Trust your gut.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 11:12 AM   #6
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Get a clue.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 11:20 AM   #7
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If she still hangs out with her ex often, that isnt a good sign. Its obvious.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 11:22 AM   #8
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That sounds like what I encountered with my ex and his ex. They were together every weekend. They saw each other more than I did him.

Put me through too much pain. I'm telling you, it's not worth it. You should feel comfortable and trust your significant other completely, also be open and honest. That's the key to a successful relationship.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 11:29 AM   #9
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It's obvious ur girlfriend still has a "connection" with her ex.....Or, she is playing both of you.....a sign of immaturity, and not ready for a steady boyfriend.

Since this bothers you, I would not "demand" that she choose, I'd just consider her a "friend", and not make urself available at times, go out with other girls or friends.

In all aspects, she isn't ready for a committed relationship, since her ex is still in the picture!....
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Unread 01-30-2011, 12:01 PM   #10
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The reason I said this is cuz my best friend's hubby still hangs out with his ex and her mother and now all of them have been good friends for like 13 years now.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 12:09 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shel90 View Post
The reason I said this is cuz my best friend's hubby still hangs out with his ex and her mother and now all of them have been good friends for like 13 years now.
I still talk to and hang out with my ex and his family. He was my high school sweetheart but we really were friends so when the relationship ended we were still really close friends just grew apart. He is married now with two kids and his wife hates me she swears I am trying to break up their happy home. Anything could be farther from the truth than that, I told him I would go away because I am not trying to get in the middle of their marriage but he said no you have are my friend always have been always will be, so we hand out in the middle of day when we do public and always try to keep it respectful, but if he ever told me it was threatening their relationship and we had to stop talking I would understand and walk away.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 12:58 PM   #12
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I still talk to and hang out with my ex and his family. He was my high school sweetheart but we really were friends so when the relationship ended we were still really close friends just grew apart. He is married now with two kids and his wife hates me she swears I am trying to break up their happy home. Anything could be farther from the truth than that, I told him I would go away because I am not trying to get in the middle of their marriage but he said no you have are my friend always have been always will be, so we hand out in the middle of day when we do public and always try to keep it respectful, but if he ever told me it was threatening their relationship and we had to stop talking I would understand and walk away.
Don't know really how to say this....the OP said "his girlfriend" hung out with her ex......
But you're hanging out with ur ex and he is now married with children. IF ur ex boyfriend & his wife got along famously, I would foresee no problem with it...but unfortunately that's not the case! The wife is upset and jealous, has a reason to be so....

Seeing/waving/short talking with ur "ex" at public gatherings, grocery store, etc., is fine...but hanging out with him during the day, even in public without his wife?....His wife feels "threatened"...and is a cause of unrest in the marriage and they have children. I would not do this!
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Unread 01-30-2011, 12:58 PM   #13
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Everyone here is giving you solid, hard advice, but it sounds to me like you already know what to do. You just want some reassurance and motivation to do something that you know is hard. You can't force her to stop hanging out with anybody, unfortunately. She needs to realize that this is wrong on her own free will. You can tell her how you feel about it honestly and openly. If she doesn't respect that, then it's time to end things until she does.

Good luck.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 01:15 PM   #14
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hanging out with ex

Agreed, well said Alex. and, everyone really I think you already know the answer. But to be fair.tell her your feelings and more importantly ,,how they make you feel. If her seeing the ex is more important then her making you feel badly..well..seems she made a choice. and please do not let her tell you
"we are just such good friends" that's YOUR position in the relationship. I will admit if children are involved there is a responsibility for the ex's to come together and offer a solid support system for those children...good luck..Peace
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Unread 01-30-2011, 01:19 PM   #15
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Everyone here is giving you solid, hard advice, but it sounds to me like you already know what to do. You just want some reassurance and motivation to do something that you know is hard. You can't force her to stop hanging out with anybody, unfortunately. She needs to realize that this is wrong on her own free will. You can tell her how you feel about it honestly and openly. If she doesn't respect that, then it's time to end things until she does.

Good luck.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 02:25 PM   #16
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Where is your confidence in yourself? Trust your girlfriend.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 02:45 PM   #17
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Unread 01-30-2011, 02:47 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by rockin'robin View Post
Don't know really how to say this....the OP said "his girlfriend" hung out with her ex......
But you're hanging out with ur ex and he is now married with children. IF ur ex boyfriend & his wife got along famously, I would foresee no problem with it...but unfortunately that's not the case! The wife is upset and jealous, has a reason to be so....

Seeing/waving/short talking with ur "ex" at public gatherings, grocery store, etc., is fine...but hanging out with him during the day, even in public without his wife?....His wife feels "threatened"...and is a cause of unrest in the marriage and they have children. I would not do this!
Ditto.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 08:09 PM   #19
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I am experience same thing! I have been dating with my girlfriend for one year and 5 month! I live in my own apt with my roommate and my girlfriend live with roommate and ex-boyfriend but they make kid together. This have been happening since March. My girlfriend tell me that she sick of her ex-boyfriend just like what you said. Same thing.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 08:14 PM   #20
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I agree with Alex..follow your heart.If your heart or your feelings are not comfortable with it, then it wont work out.

My hubby hangs out with women sometimes and I have no problem with it. I hang out with men sometimes. They are just friends.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 08:55 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somedeafguy View Post
Just would like to hear your feedback...

Knowing how small the deaf population, deaf people values each other's presence makes it harder for people to go separate ways.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 months and we’re crazy over each other. However, she still hangs out with her ex. She tells me that she does not possess any romantic feelings toward to her ex. What bothers me is that she continues to hang out with her ex at events or alone.

Few weeks ago, her ex threw a tantrum and, in result, it put her at a breaking point then she asked her for a break from each other. So, they went on for almost a month without hanging out but solemnly text to each other. Recently, she told me that she misses his company (I don’t know if I should be worried or not). I asked her what if her ex begs you to go back with him, what would you say to him? She told me that she will tell him to try to move on. Now they are hanging out again and recently went out to eat alone. She knows that this still bothers me a little, but I never asked her to stop hanging out… nor bring myself to do that in first place.

Now, the question is… am I overreacting or should I be worried? Should I be the “bad person” and give her the ultimatum?

Thanks for your feedback!

One post?


Tell her how you feel. If she makes you feel as if your being controlling and manipulative, drop her and R-U-N. Trust me, your much better off without all that drama.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 09:27 PM   #22
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ultimatums don't work. tell her, with out yelling that she's hurting you and why. If she knows that she it is hurting you, and keeps doing it then find some one new.

and when she calls you "jealous" say Yes I am.

on a side note: an ex is not a best friend.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 10:40 PM   #23
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Put a stop to it. She's being a rude, inconsiderate bitch. I don't care how small the deaf community is - even we deaf people have boundaries.

Good luck.
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Unread 01-30-2011, 11:36 PM   #24
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I think you should tell your GF how you feel about her hanging out with her ex, and if she still want to hang out with her ex, I would say it time to find a new GF. If she really cared about you she would stop seeing her ex for good! When I starting dating my husband I was still in touch with an old boyfriend. My husband to me told he how he felt about my old boyfriend writing to me , so I told my old boyfriend to not write to me anymore. When you are really crazy about someone you care about their feeling.
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Unread 01-31-2011, 12:27 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockin'robin View Post
Don't know really how to say this....the OP said "his girlfriend" hung out with her ex......
But you're hanging out with ur ex and he is now married with children. IF ur ex boyfriend & his wife got along famously, I would foresee no problem with it...but unfortunately that's not the case! The wife is upset and jealous, has a reason to be so....

Seeing/waving/short talking with ur "ex" at public gatherings, grocery store, etc., is fine...but hanging out with him during the day, even in public without his wife?....His wife feels "threatened"...and is a cause of unrest in the marriage and they have children. I would not do this!

She has the option to come along if she wants but she chooses not too. I would agree the wife is upset and jealous but she has no reason to be. If I had rekindled a relationship with him after quite some time as if I were a blast from the past, then maybe I would agree with you but she has felt like this from the beginning of their relationship before there was a marriage and kids. She married him and had kids with him knowing about me and the relationship he and I have so I would measure the whole thing to being more of a control issue than anything else. If my presence in his life was that big of an issue why did she marry him, hell I was invited to the wedding.

True she feels like I am a threat because his family still adores me. His grandmother has pics of us in her house of us together back when we were in high school and his sister talks to me often, again, all this happened during the 2 years they dated after they got married and had the kids and she knew this.

I don't know how to explain our relationship other than we are the greatest of friends and love each other very much, but a romantic relationship just would not work out for us after we got older we both wanted different things in a relationship we fight like cats and dogs but apart we are great and have chosen to stay that way. He is my oldest and dearest friend and since we had this relationship well before, completely and all the way thru their courting period and now after the marriage I see no reason for it to end, but rather she should let go of her controlling issue and see the relationship for what it truly is.
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Unread 01-31-2011, 05:53 AM   #26
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OP posted one so far. mmm
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Unread 01-31-2011, 07:00 AM   #27
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Quote:
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She has the option to come along if she wants but she chooses not too.
Are you sure about that? Is that what she told you?

Quote:
I would agree the wife is upset and jealous but she has no reason to be.
In your opinion. How does she really know what goes on if she isn't present?

Quote:
If I had rekindled a relationship with him after quite some time as if I were a blast from the past, then maybe I would agree with you but she has felt like this from the beginning of their relationship before there was a marriage and kids. She married him and had kids with him knowing about me and the relationship he and I have so I would measure the whole thing to being more of a control issue than anything else. If my presence in his life was that big of an issue why did she marry him, hell I was invited to the wedding.
Sounds like you're doing a lot of rationalization for your actions.

Quote:
True she feels like I am a threat because his family still adores me. His grandmother has pics of us in her house of us together back when we were in high school and his sister talks to me often, again, all this happened during the 2 years they dated after they got married and had the kids and she knew this.
Of course, you're not discouraging any of this. Sounds rather smug to me.

Quote:
I don't know how to explain our relationship other than we are the greatest of friends and love each other very much, but a romantic relationship just would not work out for us after we got older we both wanted different things in a relationship we fight like cats and dogs but apart we are great and have chosen to stay that way. He is my oldest and dearest friend and since we had this relationship well before, completely and all the way thru their courting period and now after the marriage I see no reason for it to end, but rather she should let go of her controlling issue and see the relationship for what it truly is.
If you truly care about the guy you wouldn't do anything that would cause friction in his marriage. To continue as you've been doing is selfish.
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Unread 01-31-2011, 07:43 AM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ember View Post
She has the option to come along if she wants but she chooses not too. I would agree the wife is upset and jealous but she has no reason to be. If I had rekindled a relationship with him after quite some time as if I were a blast from the past, then maybe I would agree with you but she has felt like this from the beginning of their relationship before there was a marriage and kids. She married him and had kids with him knowing about me and the relationship he and I have so I would measure the whole thing to being more of a control issue than anything else. If my presence in his life was that big of an issue why did she marry him, hell I was invited to the wedding.

True she feels like I am a threat because his family still adores me. His grandmother has pics of us in her house of us together back when we were in high school and his sister talks to me often, again, all this happened during the 2 years they dated after they got married and had the kids and she knew this.

I don't know how to explain our relationship other than we are the greatest of friends and love each other very much, but a romantic relationship just would not work out for us after we got older we both wanted different things in a relationship we fight like cats and dogs but apart we are great and have chosen to stay that way. He is my oldest and dearest friend and since we had this relationship well before, completely and all the way thru their courting period and now after the marriage I see no reason for it to end, but rather she should let go of her controlling issue and see the relationship for what it truly is.
To be brutally honest, you are crossing the boundaries, girl. His wife has every right to be jealous of you. He is HER husband and the father of their children. My advice, back off before you are sorry or you will be paying the consequences and they won't be pretty.
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Unread 01-31-2011, 08:48 AM   #29
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Have we met, haven't we, OP? Nah.

My friend is in the same position. I have to say that her situation is far more complicated than yours. She still feels uncomfortable with her boyfriend being around his ex. She told him repeatedly how she felt, but he had disregarded her feelings and thought it was no big deal. She is upset by the ex the way she comes on to him, keeps texting him constantly, and follows him around. He kept telling her it was just "hang out". My friend even tried to propose him, and he told her he wasn't ready. That wasn't only one reason she asked him. She was knocked up.
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Unread 01-31-2011, 09:50 AM   #30
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Have we met, haven't we, OP? Nah.

My friend is in the same position. I have to say that her situation is far more complicated than yours. She still feels uncomfortable with her boyfriend being around his ex. She told him repeatedly how she felt, but he had disregarded her feelings and thought it was no big deal. She is upset by the ex the way she comes on to him, keeps texting him constantly, and follows him around. He kept telling her it was just "hang out". My friend even tried to propose him, and he told her he wasn't ready. That wasn't only one reason she asked him. She was knocked up.
Lol, now that sounds a whole shitstorm if you ask me. Just based on that little paragraph, your friend is a complete fool if she doesn't break up with this guy immediately.
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