Can you give this poem a name? and critique?

D

dreamchaser

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I can't really name this. If you want to give it a try, I would appreciate it. Thanks so much.... Jeanie,, still chasin the dream for a better tomorrow for ALL!
 

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Here's my idea:

"Condemned"


Also I like Shelly's name too.

FYI: I loved your poem. It gave me chills.
 
Yes, I loved the poem and Shel's topic is way better than mine.
 
"Submerciless," because I like to combine words to make unique titles.

The best poetry is the brightest possible image in the fewest possible words. Although dispair poems aren't my favorite, this one's image sticks with me.

Just personal, but I favor rhyme over blank or free verse because I think it helps establish beat and memory.
 
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on the scribophile site I suggested "cesspool of life" because it was a recurring phrase throughout the poem.
 
Chase said:
"Submerciless," because I like to combine words to make unique titles.

The best poetry is the brightest possible image in the fewest possible words. Although dispair poems aren't my favorite, this one's image sticks with me.

Just personal, but I favor rhyme over blank or free verse because I think it helps establish beat and memory.
Click to expand...

Clever! Thanks,,, I am having fun seeing the different ideas... I hope everyone will return in a few days and we can all vote on it...
 
Chase said:
"Submerciless," because I like to combine words to make unique titles.

The best poetry is the brightest possible image in the fewest possible words. Although dispair poems aren't my favorite, this one's image sticks with me.

Just personal, but I favor rhyme over blank or free verse because I think it helps establish beat and memory.
Click to expand...

I wrote this because I was seeing other dark poems and wondered it I could do it.

It can have many meanings, depending on how deep you want to think about it. People can get sucked into material success or addictions or sex & pedphilia, pornography or you name it, and they somehow lose themselves... Even if they are still living and breathing, their souls get hardened and they are dead to what use to make them human.

I hope this rhymed. I am posting a new one today, a little cynical,,, but from the heart. I have a real problem with people who lord themselves over others and use religion to make themselves feel superior, not to count how they use the average person for personal gain. It is called the Truths you tell.
 
Critique and Title

dreamchaser said:
I can't really name this. If you want to give it a try, I would appreciate it.
Click to expand...

I really liked the first four lines, however it seems to me that there is a contradiction, you start off by saying that you don’t know how you came to “The cesspool of life…” but then you state you “…came to taste of the water for it shimmered…” Maybe it would be better to write that you were disillusioned into coming. (Which I see you have later in the poem).

Since the next set of four lines brings the reader to the current situation I think it would be better to take “try” out of the 3rd line.

I think the third set of lines can be taken out completely. It is somewhat repetitive. I would combine the 3rd and 4th set and move them after the 1st set.

I really liked the poem.

As for a title, I would suggest “An Alluring Sea of Despair”

[I have attached a word document with the original and the critiqued versions of the poem.]
 
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Crystal_of_ASL said:
I really liked the first four lines, however it seems to me that there is a contradiction, you start off by saying that you don’t know how you came to “The cesspool of life…” but then you state you “…came to taste of the water for it shimmered…” Maybe it would be better to write that you were disillusioned into coming. (Which I see you have later in the poem).

Since the next set of four lines brings the reader to the current situation I think it would be better to take “try” out of the 3rd line.

I think the third set of lines can be taken out completely. It is somewhat repetitive. I would combine the 3rd and 4th set and move them after the 1st set.

I really liked the poem.

As for a title, I would suggest “An Alluring Sea of Dispair”

[I have attached a word document with the original and the critiqued versions of the poem.]
Click to expand...

"Despair"-Merriam Webster Dictionary

Despair

Main Entry:
1de·spair
Pronunciation:
\di-ˈsper\
Function:
verb
Etymology:
Middle English despeiren, from Anglo-French desperer, from Latin desperare, from de- + sperare to hope; akin to Latin spes hope — more at speed
Date:
14th century

intransitive verb: to lose all hope or confidence <despair of winning>transitive verbobsolete : to lose hope for
 
Bottesini said:
"Despair"-Merriam Webster Dictionary

Despair

Main Entry:
1de·spair
Pronunciation:
\di-ˈsper\
Function:
verb
Etymology:
Middle English despeiren, from Anglo-French desperer, from Latin desperare, from de- + sperare to hope; akin to Latin spes hope — more at speed
Date:
14th century

intransitive verb: to lose all hope or confidence <despair of winning>transitive verbobsolete : to lose hope for
Click to expand...

lol I thought that word was incorrect but my spell check didn't notify me.

Thanks for the correction.
 
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