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Unread 10-19-2006, 03:55 PM   #1
drdistance
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Deaf-Hearing Marriage

Hi! I am in a Deaf-hearing marriage and I am wondering how you all feel about "mixed" marriages.

If you are in a Deaf-hearing marriage, how did your family or friends feel about it?

Are there any challenges you dealt with?

Do you have any tips for success you can share?

What ways do you think Deaf-hearing marriages are different from Deaf-Deaf maariages?
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Unread 10-19-2006, 05:26 PM   #2
lilylover72
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My husband is hearing and I am deaf. We have wonderful marriage. We do have problem sometimes but we know how handle this. We don't care what family or people think about us. They never dare tell us what they think because they respect us. My family and his family accept us.
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Unread 10-20-2006, 01:58 PM   #3
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I wouldnt know cuz i am never married so hope more of the others would answer your questions!
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Unread 10-21-2006, 12:12 AM   #4
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Please do not take me hard. But, FYI when I was in college doing research on deafies. I dropped my jaw when I learn the fact. at least 85% of deaf-hearie marriage ended up divorce within 5 years! I know some hearie-deafies have long marriage. Just that there is majority of them meaning not all of them didn't come out all based on culture conflicts.
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Unread 10-21-2006, 12:12 AM   #5
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HONESTLY, I REALLY hate to say in some negative comments, in the Fact, hearning and deaf marriages/ couples won't be the long LASTING! Add my comment, I had experinces in marriage with previous hearing.. I would tell you but it is long story.. forget it! YOU GO THRU IT & SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.. YOU WILL BE BIG REGRETS FOR SURE... but GOOD LUCK to you all!
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Unread 10-21-2006, 12:13 AM   #6
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Yea, like I said 85% went divorce within 5 years!


Quote:
Originally Posted by XBGMER View Post
I hate to say in some negative comments, in the Fact, hearning and deaf marriages/ couples won't be the long LASTING! GOOD LUCK!
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J-MAC's quote: "People who try and fail are more superior than people who don't try at all"

"If people let the government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as the souls who live under tyranny."
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NY Governor Andrew Cuomo MUST go! We, the New Yorker had ENOUGH of Cuomo's BS!
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Unread 10-21-2006, 12:28 AM   #7
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Wink

Yeah, I utdy.....what ya means...


but Love can beat than anything..Love is very power!

Depends on individually....

Remmy that no one perfect in marriage... Marriage is about "commitment."


It isnt about deaf/hearing..... I know that hard part is "communcation" If they are very motivation to learns signs.. then great for them.

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Unread 10-21-2006, 12:30 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drdistance View Post
Hi! I am in a Deaf-hearing marriage and I am wondering how you all feel about "mixed" marriages.
I'm fine with it, if they love each others and communication is working great, I don't see a problem with that.

Quote:
If you are in a Deaf-hearing marriage, how did your family or friends feel about it?
my twin sister had married a hearing guy, divorce after 15 years, because he was very abusive.
My family never mind either way, they're pretty much very accepting people.

I cannot answer the rest of the questions because I was never married before, and currently still not married.
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Unread 10-21-2006, 12:59 AM   #9
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Communication isn't the only problem, it is the CULTURE that is another problem. Deaf world and hearing world have their own culture and some of them DO conflicts each other. There is more than you'd realize that lies under the marriage of deaf-hearies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ScubaladyTx View Post
Yeah, I utdy.....what ya means...


but Love can beat than anything..Love is very power!

Depends on individually....

Remmy that no one perfect in marriage... Marriage is about "commitment."


It isnt about deaf/hearing..... I know that hard part is "communcation" If they are very motivation to learns signs.. then great for them.

M-
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J-MAC's quote: "People who try and fail are more superior than people who don't try at all"

"If people let the government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as the souls who live under tyranny."
Thomas Jefferson (1778)

NY Governor Andrew Cuomo MUST go! We, the New Yorker had ENOUGH of Cuomo's BS!
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Unread 10-21-2006, 01:22 AM   #10
ScubaladyTx
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Quote:
Originally Posted by diehardbiker View Post
Communication isn't the only problem, it is the CULTURE that is another problem. Deaf world and hearing world have their own culture and some of them DO conflicts each other. There is more than you'd realize that lies under the marriage of deaf-hearies.
Yes, I utdy what u mean....

Deaf/hearing culture marriage- One of my good friend who is deaf lady married to hearing guy.. They are very happily married-more than 19 yrs...

Very rare that people willing to learns their deaf/hearing cultures...

Like I went out with my ex hearing guy for 2 1/2 yrs... he was so motivated to learned sign languages.... Just we were so different in "lifestyle" Because-He was very educated and graduated at Norte Dame and become engineer officer of airforce base and he want me be like him.. but..I dont.. cuz Im not kind of person be "succeful" Im very humble person as like ya guys.. ya know what i mean ? That's why we broke-up.... not cuz of deaf/hearing culture...

Somehow I met my wondeful deaf husband..because of love... not point commuication or else...it is about "love"

Not point about deaf/hearing...

again, I m saying point is on individually.

M-
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Unread 10-21-2006, 05:25 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by diehardbiker View Post
Please do not take me hard. But, FYI when I was in college doing research on deafies. I dropped my jaw when I learn the fact. at least 85% of deaf-hearie marriage ended up divorce within 5 years! I know some hearie-deafies have long marriage. Just that there is majority of them meaning not all of them didn't come out all based on culture conflicts.
WooHOo! a few more months and I beat that statistic...LOL I will be married 5 yrs in April.
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Unread 10-21-2006, 07:57 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by diehardbiker View Post
Yea, like I said 85% went divorce within 5 years!
Oh really? My marriage to a hearing guy lasted for 7 years. Yay!! I beat the statistics!!!! The reason for our split was cuz he was very controlling. Nothing to do with deaf and hearing issues. My 2 best friends are married to hearing guys for almost 10 years each and still going strong. I think it is an individual thing...it is more about communication and goals rather than a cultural thing. I am sure there are a few marriages that failed due to cultural issues but a small percentage.

I am currently married to my 2nd husband who is hearing and he and I have no issues with him being hearing and me being deaf. Yes, situations pop up but we have such great communication between us so they got solved right away.
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Unread 10-21-2006, 10:06 AM   #13
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Hi ya

Well I am deaf and married to a hard of hearing man. What a wonderful man.

But thats not my point, anyway.... I have known many deaf-hearing couples. I learned from a lady who is hearing who is married to a deaf guy. I asked her a lot of questions about deaf-hearing marriage. She told me ONE THING about this marriage... she has to sacrifice the most more than her husband. Because she can learn sign language but deaf can't learn to be hearing. SO she knew that her husband would be left out in her community. She made big sacrifices to make her marriage to work. SO far, they are doing wonderful and have several children.

There was also another couples, they have been married for almost 20 years. I asked the deaf wife how!?! She said she learned to adjust as long as her husband uses sign language and all. Fortunately, her husband is a Head Professor of ASL at University. You almost can't tell if he was hearing.

And I knew a couple who are deaf and hearing, the wife is hearing she kept forcing her husband to be in her hearing world and he has to learn to be like hearing. You know what? They ended up. With a bitter divorce.

I just think that they both have to learn to compromise in their world but remember deaf cannot learn to be hearing. That is IMPOSSIBLE.

So thats my thought. : )

Last edited by Chrysanthe; 10-21-2006 at 10:07 AM. Reason: revise english
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Unread 10-21-2006, 11:40 AM   #14
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Quote:
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Yea, like I said 85% went divorce within 5 years!
i don't think so but few. my ex wife is hearing and we were together married for 15 years. one thing i hate the most was she always talks on the phones all night/days. i am tired of her! i sat in front of her family for dinner i did not know what did they talk about? i kept asking her what was about. no way! they should learn how to sign with me!
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Unread 10-21-2006, 09:41 PM   #15
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Well, most deaf people do not understand the hearing world, and most hearing people do not understand the deaf world. Hearing/deaf couple in their marriage life still learn about their world. Share! Help each other! I am deaf and my wife is hearing. We celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary last month.

I asked my wife about the question what I was asked by deaf people concerning hearing people. They think hearing people understand more than deaf people. My wife answered NO! Why? Deaf and hearing people have common lifestyles -- worldly life or christian life. However their communication is different because they seldom get hard time to understand each other during their communication -- they misunderstand each other many times. They are human being.
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Unread 10-22-2006, 04:47 AM   #16
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My husband is hearing and I am deaf. We have been married for 23 yrs now and still going strong. My family and friends accept it. At first, Deaf ppl were not sure of him cos he doesn't sign and they couldn't communicate with him. Then 2 deaf guys who works with my husband (long time ago before we were married) told some Deaf ppl he is my boyfriend. After that they accepted him and welcome him.
Many times, I go to the Deaf club or events on my own cos my hubby gets bored and I let him go out on his own to the 'boys' time out. My hubby helped me out with many things like to make a phone call on my behalf and speak on my behalf at some business places. I can speak well enough to be understood but sometimes some ppl misunderstood me cos of my deaf voice and also I have problem pronouncing some words (mostly long words). That when I grab my hubby to speak to them for me. My hubby understand me very well and knows my voice.
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Unread 10-22-2006, 07:25 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by diehardbiker View Post
... at least 85% of deaf-hearie marriage ended up divorce within 5 years! I know some hearie-deafies have long marriage. Just that there is majority of them meaning not all of them didn't come out all based on culture conflicts.
My wife and I have been married for over 5 years now, as of 2 days ago. Then again, we have missed most of our anny for the fact I was in the field or she was in another state due to having a kid. We where not together this year cause I am in a coupletly different country right now. We have bet the 85% and we still act like we are still the 19 year old dating couple when we 1st got together. Only difference is that I know more sign now and she has learned a lot abt patients that marrage, let alone what the army needs. We still have our problems and sometimes she swears that I am the one that is deaf, not her. Then again, we pick on each other from the time the sun comes up till the sun goes down. We have 2 beautiful kids, and thank god they got their looks from mama, together and we won't trade anything for the things we have.

My advise for a healthy marrage is as follows:
1. Listen to each other
2. Allow the other have personal time
3. Have fun together and work for the same goal
4. Try to understand the other's point of view
5. Remember that you have 1 kind of experence while the other half has something totally different from you.
6. Always enjoy each other and have fun with each other
7. Never get mad over the small stuff or the details

And my last rule that my wife don't like is this
Every single day, you have to embarress your better half atleast once a day and show your love infrount of everyone, not just behind the bedroom door.
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Unread 10-22-2006, 07:27 AM   #18
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I forgot to add, my family don't care that she is deaf. If my family did care if she was deaf, then I guess I won't have that close of a realtionship with my family. I started my own with my wife, and that is the most importent part of it.
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Unread 10-22-2006, 02:30 PM   #19
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Tip. Give each other lots of space in the marriage. True for all relationships, anyway! I'm in this kind of 'mixed' marriage and just had our 4 year anniversary last week. Giving each other space made all the difference for me.

Communication can be challenging if hearing spouse isn't good with SL, and you are a native SL user. You have to have a lot of patience, and things will be ok.

My friends and family are ok with my hearing hb - he is a kind man. His family had a problem with him being married to a deaf woman in the beginning, though - because they didnt understand how they could communicate with me if I couldn't use voice. I'm sure they were worried I'd be very dependent on him for everything. I was "intimidating" to them. Things are ok - I proved myself to them, and they all have accepted me. Their relationship with my hb became better, because I encouraged him to be nicer to them. He was kind of mean to them before.
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Unread 10-22-2006, 02:35 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liza View Post
Tip. Give each other lots of space in the marriage. True for all relationships, anyway! I'm in this kind of 'mixed' marriage and just had our 4 year anniversary last week.

Communication can be challenging if hearing spouse isn't good with SL, and you are a native SL user. You have to have a lot of patience, and things will be ok.
Right, need space for each other, but also need to have that communication too. But need to find that balance, too much space and not enough communication is not good, same with too much communication and not enough space
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Unread 10-22-2006, 02:39 PM   #21
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army - theres always that fine balance waiting to be discovered with communication and space. Fundamental truth in every relationship. You have a point. Hehehe
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Unread 10-22-2006, 02:58 PM   #22
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I'm not married, but I can give my opinion on what I've seen.

I don't care what the marriage is like, as long as communication is still there and both get along great.

I've seen students here at RIT date others of the opposite deafness. A deaf girl would date a hearing guy or a deaf guy would date a hearing girl. Yet, some of them go through problems that's bad enough that they shouldn't even be together.

One issue is communication. If the deaf person uses sign language as a primary language, then the hearing person should be able to know sign language and use it frequently as the deaf person might use his/her voice at times as well. I'm deaf, but considered "hard of hearing". I can speak for myself and hear pretty well. However, I can't always understand what's being said 100%. It's more like 80% to 90%. It depends on how the other person talks. Do they talk clearly? Do they move their mouths clearly? Do they have a beard or other facial features that may interfere with lipreading? Even though I talk a lot with hearing people, I still struggle with what I'm missing out. Yet, they can't communicate with me on the things that I missed out. For a hearing person, he/she won't be able to communicate if the deaf person isn't wearing his/her hearing aids or something.

The other thing is getting along. In order to get along, both would have to be comfortable with what the other does. If the hearing person has hearing friends around and the hearing person starts talking without signing, how will the deaf half understand or feel? In my case, I would feel left out if my wife/girlfriend was talking with her hearing friends all the time and not involving me because I can't understand what's going on. The hearing half would feel the same way as well if the deaf half was signing all the time and the hearing half couldn't understand what was going on.
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Unread 10-22-2006, 10:08 PM   #23
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3 Keys are LOVE, TRUST and COMMUITAION. They are very important to keep our marriage strong.

Of course many deaf and hearing couples cannot handle each other because they don't accept what their life. My husband accept who am I and he never complain that I cannot hear at all, I ask him what people say. I never complain that he ask me what my deaf friends say because they sign too fast. We feel much equal! I am not afarid to write a note to talk to my family or my husband's family or hearing friends. I want them know that I dont complain that they don't learn sign language. They understand that I don't force them to learn sign so deal with writing. We feel equal. Honest Deaf friends of mine have hard time accept me because I married a hearing man. They don't understand. I told them to learn accept us or not be our friend. My husband tell his friends to accpet us or not to be our friend. That is all we do.
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Unread 10-22-2006, 11:25 PM   #24
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That is all great advise, everybody. I learned a lot to help my marriage be a success. My marriage is the most important thing to me in this life.
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Unread 10-22-2006, 11:26 PM   #25
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Yea, I am not saying that all of you will fail. I am saying that it wouldn't come out easy! If you succeed that is great that you beat the odds. It takes hell of hard work, totally acceptance, and everything, even with "in-laws" too.


Quote:
Originally Posted by hohDougRN View Post
WooHOo! a few more months and I beat that statistic...LOL I will be married 5 yrs in April.
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J-MAC's quote: "People who try and fail are more superior than people who don't try at all"

"If people let the government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as the souls who live under tyranny."
Thomas Jefferson (1778)

NY Governor Andrew Cuomo MUST go! We, the New Yorker had ENOUGH of Cuomo's BS!
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Unread 10-22-2006, 11:29 PM   #26
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Like I said, it takes huge obstacle to beat! If you succeed, then your on one of these 15% side. It is NOT easy to sariface on either side due to difference. Many of them would just give up within 5 years.


Quote:
Originally Posted by starrygaze View Post
i don't think so but few. my ex wife is hearing and we were together married for 15 years. one thing i hate the most was she always talks on the phones all night/days. i am tired of her! i sat in front of her family for dinner i did not know what did they talk about? i kept asking her what was about. no way! they should learn how to sign with me!
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J-MAC's quote: "People who try and fail are more superior than people who don't try at all"

"If people let the government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as the souls who live under tyranny."
Thomas Jefferson (1778)

NY Governor Andrew Cuomo MUST go! We, the New Yorker had ENOUGH of Cuomo's BS!
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Unread 10-22-2006, 11:31 PM   #27
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OH YEAH! the in-laws part can be difficult!
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Unread 10-22-2006, 11:33 PM   #28
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Very! If these in-laws prejudiced then there is stress on either of the partner! Sometimes people can tolerate, while others like me don't!

Quote:
Originally Posted by hohDougRN View Post
OH YEAH! the in-laws part can be difficult!
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J-MAC's quote: "People who try and fail are more superior than people who don't try at all"

"If people let the government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as the souls who live under tyranny."
Thomas Jefferson (1778)

NY Governor Andrew Cuomo MUST go! We, the New Yorker had ENOUGH of Cuomo's BS!
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Unread 10-22-2006, 11:47 PM   #29
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my inlaws are 2500 miles away, so I don't really deal with it much....but at the same time it has prevented us from getting close and them knowing me better too.
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Unread 10-23-2006, 01:33 AM   #30
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Quote:
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my inlaws are 2500 miles away, so I don't really deal with it much....but at the same time it has prevented us from getting close and them knowing me better too.
One of the best pieces of advise I ever got just before my wife and I were married was from a pastor, and he said: If you find that your inlaws are creating problems in your marriage, move away.

For some reason, some inlaws tend to think that they know what their child or their child's spouse should do in every situation -- controlling. Once you take a marriage vow, you are separated from your parents, joined to your spouse. You have to think like that. Yes, you can still be friendly, and in some cases close (if you get along with your inlaws and they're totally accepting), but in many many cases, people end up fighting over their inlaws. That's a bad situation, and if you don't address it quickly and firmly, it can break up a marriage.

I think often one partner doesn't really understand the nature of marriage, and thinks that they can be both a husband or wife and "daddy's little girl" or "mommy's little boy". That doesn't work, and it probably needs to be confronted rather than ignored. Once you get married, your parents become friends you've known all your life. If you go much further than that, you're inviting trouble.

Inlaws are tricky... on the one hand you don't want to be distant and disrepectful, but on the other hand, you don't need them hovering over you in a new marriage.... just one of the many balancing acts you have to figure out when you get married (and kids adds a whole different set of balancing acts... eventually you start to feel like a circus juggler!)
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