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Unread 07-09-2005, 08:47 AM   #1
BeeBee1741
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Unhappy Is talking on the phone cheating

It was about 3 months ago and I was 8 months pregnant, when i was laying in bed with my husband and his cell phone rang, so I went to answer it and when i did..they hung up. So I asked him who the hell it was. He said that it was the compnay that he drives for. I asked him why would they call his phone and not the company. He said that they probably made a mistake.

I knew something was up. So i waited till the phone bill came and I started to look at it.I didnt find that number at all. But I did spot a number that wasnt familiar to me. It had an awful amount of talk time. So i dialed it. A female answered. I hung up.. I went further into the bill and realized how many times it was dialed and it was a lil too fishy for me. So then I went into detective mode and started to investigate. I found out where she lived worked her extension number and her email address...

Now that I had all this info handy I decided to confront her. When I called her and questioned her about my husband and if she knew him, she said no that she didnt know him and that she didnt know who I was so she wasnt going to give me any info..l. So then I came home and asked him, who is this female, why do u have all this talk time with this number and what the hell is going on..He said that he didnt know who she was and he didnt have a clue what I was talking about. I asked him if he had nothing to hide to call the number and find out who it was. He said no!!! I called her back and she wouldnt answer her phone..He even said that he was going to sue the cell phone company for charging him for calls he didnt make. HAHAHAHA!!

I fought with him for 2 days he wouldnt tell me a thing. On the 3rd day he gave up. He said that she was dating his friend. He called her 16 times and the talk time btwn all the calls were 1 and half hour. He says the only reason why he called her was to find out how the date went with his friend and about things. He tells me that he cant remember what else they talked about. Funny how, that same day she answered her phone and told me the same thing.

I asked her if she knew that he was married and that I was pregnant with his 3rd child she said no..I asked him "If that is just a friend why doesnt she know that your married and that I'm pregnant"? He said that she knew and that she was lying.. Why would I beleive any of them...They lied from the beginning.

I just gave birth and I want to leave him. Everyone says to let it go it was just phone calls. But I cant, I dont know what his intentions really were with her.

I'm a great wife and mother...We've been together for 8 years. I helped raise his four children and I bared three... He apologizes and tries to buy me things so that I can forget about it. But, I cant. I live crying all the time.. I'm depressed and miserable.. I dont show it because I dont want my kids to suffer. I'm practically living a double life and I hate it..

I get told to pray and that everything will be fine. I tried everything.. But, somehow I'm still hurting and I want to leave..Whats next??
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Unread 07-09-2005, 08:54 AM   #2
mlkshkgrl
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You won't have any closure to this unless he finally decides to be truthful or you do what make you happy. If you still love him and want to be with him then I reccommend counseling. But as I said your relationship will not work or heal if he continues to lie. I am so sorry that this has happened to you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of the little ones because they are what matter the most.
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Unread 07-09-2005, 09:36 AM   #3
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I'm sorry that you had to recovered the hard way, even through your husband kept denying the love affair, I believe he did cheat based on how he lied in the begin saying he doesn't know this woman on the phone. Let me tell u something sweetie, Once a cheater will always be a cheater. If he cannot tell you the truth about this woman, He is going to keep on lying to you all through the marriage.

If I were you, I'll leave him because he cannot tell the truth, there isn't gotta be trust anymore. The trust is gone because he lied. I think he might doesn't want to hurt you more to tell you the truth, but lying doesn't get him anywhere either. If he really loves you so much, He wouldn't have done the lying and cheating. Men can be pigs sometimes. I know how you feel because I went through that with someone I've been with for 7 years, He cheated, he lied to me. It was the hardest part on leaving him, But I had to make a choice, stay with him and be miserable, worrying that he would cheat again or lie again. Or leave him and be worried free. So, I decide to take a hike, left him and walk away from the relationship. If you really love your husband so much, and would want this marriage to work, You could seek counseling with your husband, and say all you have to say about what he been doing to you, and how that he hurted you by cheating and lying. I wish you all the best of luck sweetie. I'm very sorry again that you had to go through that, Nobody should.
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Unread 07-09-2005, 10:00 AM   #4
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Hon, I feel your pain.

You have two choices with how you want to handle this.

Ask him to go to counseling with you to sort these emotions out and re-establish trust. You need a closure with this nagging issue and move on. No need to continue holding in anger and suspicions.

Leave him. But I know its not easy as you've invested many years, time and engery on him but you have to decide if you can trust him years later or not.

I've been there so I totally understand unfortunately. Hugs
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Unread 07-09-2005, 10:10 AM   #5
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Sorry to hear that you got into mess, and it may be the worst possible time.
Hope you will be alrighty.

Buying stuff won't solve problem. Dumping him right off won't solve problem neither because you now have kids and this ties you to him. Pack and move won't make the problem go away as it WILL follow you wherever you move to. Forcing him to talk won't work. When he buys stuff for you to try to forgive you. Tell him to forget it, all you wanted is to solve this probem, by having him face this.

I believe the best solution to the problem is actually facing it! And learn the weakness as the enemy and work from there somewhere. So, I think it might be best for you to suggest your man to face it, and tell the truth and that you are willing to work out with him once he tells the truth. Threatening him won't do any good.
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Unread 07-09-2005, 10:42 AM   #6
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I hope you can find a good counselor to help you. Tell your husband that both of you need to go to a counselor. Your husband's reaction will pretty much show you how he really feels. If he is willing to go to counseling, then there is some hope for your marriage. If he refuses to go, then he is probably on his way out of the marriage. If he does refuse, you should still see a counselor. At least you will have peace in your heart that you tried to do all you could. It will still be painful but at least you will not have the regrets later of wondering, "did I try everything?"

You have just had a baby, and your hormones are not yet settled, and a new baby means new stress. Don't make any permanent decisions while you are in this condition. Your emotions are just too tumbled right now. Seek counseling, get legal protection, and take it slow. When I say legal protection, I mean to make sure that you and your children are financially secure. Keep an eye on your bank account, especially if it is a joint account. Do these things calmly and quietly.

Your children can sense trouble in the family. Try to not involve the children in the confrontations.

I will pray for you. I truly hope that your marriage can be saved. If not, then I hope you and your children will be safe and supported.

God bless you.
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Unread 07-09-2005, 10:45 AM   #7
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wow... u have a right to leave him since he been lied and hide from u... he is dishonet with u.. so better for u leave him and u will have peaceful then stress...
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Unread 07-09-2005, 11:14 AM   #8
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Aw sweetie, I sure can feel your pain and know what you're going thru there...

I agree with most of the members here in this thread, since you have children by this husband of yours it would be better if you and your husband seek some counselor and see if you can save your marriage from being able to express how you feel and hopefully your husband will start to be more faithful and be able to tell you the truth for now on, since he knows he is this close of losing you, and that something he can't live without is the mother of his children....I know it hurt and to forget what had happened with the phone calls with that girl and having your husband looking into your eyes and lying his teeth out....He should have told the truth and now it's going to be hard to know whether he will be telling the truth next time or keep on denying it....

If it happens again, you might as well leave him, some people do not change some can....its up to your husband if he's willing to change to be more faithful and honest.....

Hang in there girl and please do keep us update
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Unread 07-09-2005, 11:24 AM   #9
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I agree with some peeps here, It won't solve problems if you leave him, it will follow you. Since you had a baby, maybe you need to focus on the baby and your kids first and try to settle down. Once you're settled, go have a serious long talk with your husband and get that out of your and his system. Just nicely ask him if he was seeing that woman in person, if he was, just ask him why? If he was talking to her on the phone and hasn't met, I would just leave it alone unless you're still suspicious that they have met in person.

I can see that your hormones has shot up. You're not going to feel the same as long as you're with him knowing that he had been talking to some woman. He lied and covered up. I believe that they had talked after you asked him about the phone calls because both are telling the same stories. They had planned to say the same thing to you. Why would that woman keep hanging up on you? Yes you are right, there's something going on there.

Just wait til you are settled and tell him you want a talk with him and try to figure out where you guys stand in the marriage. It's not going to be easy but you have to do this. Otherwise, you will be miserable with him.

I feel for you! I'm sorry you had to go thru this! I've been married and was cheated on. I had proof and it was really really chaos and difficult but I had to leave him for my own good and my daughter's too! Now, I'm much happier with what I've chosen. I hope you do the right thing and good luck!
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Unread 07-09-2005, 11:28 AM   #10
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Thats good advice, wait til the dust is settled before starting talking with him. Having baby is just too much stressful, and you may not want any more stresses at this time. I done having baby, WOW, this drags my energy big time.

Go one at a time, or one day at a time. No body stays angry for long time.
The less angry you are, the more clearer your head would be.

I hope everything would work out.


Quote:
Originally Posted by RebelGirl
I agree with some peeps here, It won't solve problems if you leave him, it will follow you. Since you had a baby, maybe you need to focus on the baby and your kids first and try to settle down. Once you're settled, go have a serious long talk with your husband and get that out of your and his system. Just nicely ask him if he was seeing that woman in person, if he was, just ask him why? If he was talking to her on the phone and hasn't met, I would just leave it alone unless you're still suspicious that they have met in person.

I can see that your hormones has shot up. You're not going to feel the same as long as you're with him knowing that he had been talking to some woman. He lied and covered up. I believe that they had talked after you asked him about the phone calls because both are telling the same stories. They had planned to say the same thing to you. Why would that woman keep hanging up on you? Yes you are right, there's something going on there.

Just wait til you are settled and tell him you want a talk with him and try to figure out where you guys stand in the marriage. It's not going to be easy but you have to do this. Otherwise, you will be miserable with him.

I feel for you! I'm sorry you had to go thru this! I've been married and was cheated on. I had proof and it was really really chaos and difficult but I had to leave him for my own good and my daughter's too! Now, I'm much happier with what I've chosen. I hope you do the right thing and good luck!
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"If people let the government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as the souls who live under tyranny."
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NY Governor Andrew Cuomo MUST go! We, the New Yorker had ENOUGH of Cuomo's BS!
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Unread 07-09-2005, 11:47 AM   #11
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I like Reba's advice the best -- it's sensible & straightforward. Voice of wisdom, she is!

Once a cheater, always a cheater. So true. Ask yourself: Did he cheat on someone to be with you?
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Unread 07-09-2005, 08:09 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pvt. Parts
I like Reba's advice the best -- it's sensible & straightforward. Voice of wisdom, she is!

Once a cheater, always a cheater. So true. Ask yourself: Did he cheat on someone to be with you?


Tell him to go to counseling with him, if he doesn't cooperate then you can tell him that you are leaving and "you gotta have some day in the divorce court"
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Unread 07-09-2005, 09:23 PM   #13
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If hes talking to her on the phone, hes talking to her in real life, and probably is cheating. Even if its just on the phone, anything with another person outside of the relationship, that leads to romantic or sexual feelings is cheating in my book.

GL in all your endeavors. Im so sorry this is happening to you.

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Unread 07-09-2005, 09:31 PM   #14
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Angry

I would like to take the time and thank everyone that replied and posted their opinions. I didnt think that I was going to get so much support and feed back. He got home from work and I was crying, he asked me what was wrong and so I told him...I tried some methods of asking him why...He just yells and says that he didnt do anything and that he is sorry for the phone calls and that was all there was. He says that he loves me and that he wouldnt just go and throw 8 years away for one night. He also says that he knows that I'm looking for revenge and thats not right because he didnt do anything wrong.

Why would I look for revenge and what is the revenge if he did nothing wrong Help me understand!!!!
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Unread 07-10-2005, 03:46 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BeeBee1741
I would like to take the time and thank everyone that replied and posted their opinions. I didnt think that I was going to get so much support and feed back. He got home from work and I was crying, he asked me what was wrong and so I told him...I tried some methods of asking him why...He just yells and says that he didnt do anything and that he is sorry for the phone calls and that was all there was. He says that he loves me and that he wouldnt just go and throw 8 years away for one night. He also says that he knows that I'm looking for revenge and thats not right because he didnt do anything wrong.

Why would I look for revenge and what is the revenge if he did nothing wrong Help me understand!!!!
I think you both should go together to a professional counselor for help. You need someone objective (not personally involved) to calmly analyze your situation and smooth out the communication.

I mention professional counselor because friends and family are not good counselors. They will take sides. You need someone neutral. Professional counselor can be marriage or family counselor, or pastor. Maybe your doctor can suggest someone.
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Unread 07-10-2005, 04:18 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reba
I think you both should go together to a professional counselor for help. You need someone objective (not personally involved) to calmly analyze your situation and smooth out the communication.

I mention professional counselor because friends and family are not good counselors. They will take sides. You need someone neutral. Professional counselor can be marriage or family counselor, or pastor. Maybe your doctor can suggest someone.
Also, if the husband refuses to go to the counslor, she should go anyway without her husband.
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Unread 07-10-2005, 05:51 PM   #17
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I feel for you. I know that feeling cuz I went thru the same thing. My exh was on the phone talking sex with her and meet her and having sex with her. He done that many times with 3 different women. He have lied and cheated on me many times. I even asked him for counseling but he wouldnt go so I went. Then more cheating so I decided to kick him out and get divorced. That was the best thing ever happened to me. Of course he got married again and tried to cheat on his wife with me and I refused.

I hope you and your hubby get some help cuz the trust have to be there otherwise it will never come back and it not worth to stay on marriage if there is no trust. I will be praying for you and your hubby to have a happy and healthy marriage. Good luck!!!
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Unread 07-11-2005, 01:35 AM   #18
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I hope your hubby will attend counseling with you, cuz if he really want to make this marriage work then he should go. If he's telling you not to waste 8 years of your marriage, then he should not have made that call or have talked to that woman. Then nothing would have happened. Its good that you found out than being a fool yourself. If he says he did nothing and screaming and yelling then obviously he has done something wrong. Try to convince him going counseling with you because of your self-esteem and to make your marriage work.

whatever he says to you, still seek help. If he still refuse, just go for yourself. let the professional tell you what he/she thinks.
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