Think daughter is audist...

...the more I think about this the more I would just be 'voice-off' and use sign.

Audiofuzzy said:

However, yes,

My apologies to Rebecca for taking a part in derailing her thread.

many, many sorry! from me, Rebecca




I beg your forgiveness.


Hope things with daughter are Okay on the ASL subject?
Is she going to learn the sing language for you, I hope?


Fuzzy

Click to expand...

She is already great singer. She win lots of sing language contests.

Glad to hear that ya'll are working things out. Have a happy holiday!

She is already great singer. She win lots of sing language contests.

Click to expand...

Sorry. I didn't knew that,
and in all this commotion I missed that, too, because
at the beginning I got from some posts that she wanted to learn sign language at 14,
and others also mentioned your daughter needs to learn sign language and finger-spelling -
so it stayed with me that she doesn't know it yet, sorry.

got hearing aides for work, the first comment my own mother say is, "Well, I hope you don't let anyone see them."

Click to expand...

I was wondering if your mother instilled in you deep sense of being ashamed of being H-o-H/deaf, guilty even,
and thus feeling responsible for being understood rather than being understood to?

I will *still* require ASL to communicate (or pen/paper) audiogram or no audiogram. She flat out refuses to do both so how do we communicate?

Click to expand...

Well, how important for you is that your daughter communicate in ASL?
Are you willing to stop communicating at all if it is not ASL or pen/paper?
If you are determined to put your foot down, are you prepared for possible tears and emotional turmoil?

I do not think you understand. My daughter and I are best buddies. Very, very close. Even her own best friends come to me for advice and support, instead of their own parents, so must be doing something right.

Click to expand...

This is *ONLY* area that she seem defensive about. She is amazing, smart and beautiful young woman. Feel lucky that have such amazing daughter.

Click to expand...

Obviously, you are a great mother, and more than that - not only you are
a great mother, you are being a great mentor to your daughter's friends, too!
and that is helluva achievement~!

Plus, I *know* she hates my broken English, written or verbal. I explain to her how challenging it has always been to speak/write in sentences. She just hates it and, moreso in this last year, expressing more anger about that. I give her links to information, to educate her, but she is impatient with it. My older two daughters *get* it and my son's (16) comments are, "Mum, I already *know* that!

Click to expand...

well, daughter - TOUGH.
She needs to shut up about this already.

If she hates it, maybe she should think how much YOU hate it-
to be the person who has trouble with speech, with written/spoken English, being constantly corrected, constantly asked to repeat yourself,
and bear the brunt of those like your daughter which btw hurt the most, doesn't it? etc -
in other words - did she ever tried to walk in YOUR shoes for a change?
who the heck she thinks she is?!

Maybe she is expressing resentment for the times that I *needed* her help?

Click to expand...

Well, express it once and for all and move on.
Besides, you didn't do anything so horrible it can not be gotten over already.
Did you apologize? I'll bet you did.
So what else would she expect? Lifetime supply of newest technological gadgets ?

Plenty of deaf parents use their children as their "ears" and hardly anybody
is traumatized.
While I am not condoning the use of hearing children as "ears" for the deaf
parents, it has its good side, too - the children often learn early how to be assertive
and resourceful because of that. So it's not all evil.

Interesting you mention bolded because boyfriend and I have talk this morning and he say same thing. I cannot remember if ever tell youngest what own mother like to me. Hurts too much to talk and then I start crying when I discuss subject but maybe *need* to so they understand better? Think only ever tell them that my mother should never have been mother.

Click to expand...

I think this is good idea regardless of anything.
It is usually good for the children to know something intimate about their parents,
however I am not too sure if this will help any with the issue you have with your daughter not wanting use ASL with you.
It may, then again it may not. You should know.

I think the only thing that will matter in the end is how determined you are
for your daughter to use ASL with you.
For this, you need to resolve within yourself how much you and your needs are important, if you will stand up for you as a deaf person, and proceed from there.

You mentioned your daughter is in college now.
I wondered if her college offers any ASL courses, or anything having to
do with deafness that would be useful to you? maybe that would help?
Maybe she will be willing to participate in that, and this will broaden her horizons.

I know how much it hurts when the people you love most hurt you like that.
I feel for you.
But she is still very young, and simply still very inexperienced.

With firm guidance, she'll get it some day.
And you, Mom -you got everybody's back here

Fuzzy

Audiofuzzy said:

Sorry. I didn't knew that,
and in all this commotion I missed that, too, because
at the beginning I got from some posts that she wanted to learn sign language at 14,
and others also mentioned your daughter needs to learn sign language and finger-spelling -
so it stayed with me that she doesn't know it yet, sorry.



I was wondering if your mother instilled in you deep sense of being ashamed of being H-o-H/deaf, guilty even,
and thus feeling responsible for being understood rather than being understood to?




Well, how important for you is that your daughter communicate in ASL?
Are you willing to stop communicating at all if it is not ASL or pen/paper?
If you are determined to put your foot down, are you prepared for possible tears and emotional turmoil?






Obviously, you are a great mother, and more than that - not only you are
a great mother, you are being a great mentor to your daughter's friends, too!
and that is helluva achievement~!





well, daughter - TOUGH.
She needs to shut up about this already.

If she hates it, maybe she should think how much YOU hate it-
to be the person who has trouble with speech, with written/spoken English, being constantly corrected, constantly asked to repeat yourself,
and bear the brunt of those like your daughter which btw hurt the most, doesn't it? etc -
in other words - did she ever tried to walk in YOUR shoes for a change?
who the heck she thinks she is?!





Well, express it once and for all and move on.
Besides, you didn't do anything so horrible it can not be gotten over already.
Did you apologize? I'll bet you did.
So what else would she expect? Lifetime supply of newest technological gadgets ?

Plenty of deaf parents use their children as their "ears" and hardly anybody
is traumatized.
While I am not condoning the use of hearing children as "ears" for the deaf
parents, it has its good side, too - the children often learn early how to be assertive
and resourceful because of that. So it's not all evil.



I think this is good idea regardless of anything.
It is usually good for the children to know something intimate about their parents,
however I am not too sure if this will help any with the issue you have with your daughter not wanting use ASL with you.
It may, then again it may not. You should know.

I think the only thing that will matter in the end is how determined you are
for your daughter to use ASL with you.
For this, you need to resolve within yourself how much you and your needs are important, if you will stand up for you as a deaf person, and proceed from there.

You mentioned your daughter is in college now.
I wondered if her college offers any ASL courses, or anything having to
do with deafness that would be useful to you? maybe that would help?
Maybe she will be willing to participate in that, and this will broaden her horizons.

I know how much it hurts when the people you love most hurt you like that.
I feel for you.
But she is still very young, and simply still very inexperienced.

With firm guidance, she'll get it some day.
And you, Mom -you got everybody's back here

Fuzzy

Click to expand...

Holy ginormous reply Batman!

I tease about 'sing language' because that is how you spell. But, she great singer and has won several singing contests.

She knows *LOTS* of *SIGN* language as well. Like you mention, since 14 seem very, very curious about, "Mum, how say this?" "Mum, how say that?"

Yes, you are right about quote from my own Mum. Make me cry re-reading that. I don't know why because grown woman now and that several year ago. But it break my heart when she say to me that. Always, *ALWAYS* ashamed deaf. Always, *ALWAYS* ashame not speak right for Mum. She always embarrass for me speak in front of stranger. Would stand close beside her and her arm would always come down as in 'stop' as in 'don't say anything let me speak for you.'

I am not insistent about ASL with 3rd daughter who think audist. Only problem is I *KNOW* she know some ASL already. Why rebut? now? Do not have problem with pen/paper but she flat out? refused to write to me. She insist I speak to her.

Thank you for acknowledging role play in young ladies' lives. Is important for me. Always important for me to be 'listener' for them even though do not hear. They know I hear them fine. Be in their shoe so often so understand. Feel responsibility to share and, how say, pay forward knowledge and experience of what learn.

well, daughter - TOUGH.
She needs to shut up about this already.

If she hates it, maybe she should think how much YOU hate it-
to be the person who has trouble with speech, with written/spoken English, being constantly corrected, constantly asked to repeat yourself,
and bear the brunt of those like your daughter which btw hurt the most, doesn't it? etc -
in other words - did she ever tried to walk in YOUR shoes for a change?
who the heck she thinks she is?!

Click to expand...

Part of me feel *SO* guilty for thinking 'shut up about it already' but another part make me wonder why, she of all babies, think this way. She *SO* philosopher and want be forensic psychiatrist. Why someone who want, so clearly to study human mind, do not want to study Mummy?

God you make me cry.[waaaa] You touch hurts with your words because how I feel. Exactly! SO sick of correcting speech. So sick of other correcting my speech...ESPECIALLY HER!!! She do it A LOT!! And, you right, it hurts SO much coming from her because she *SO* premature and I love her SO desperately. I stay all time with her at hospital so hope she do not die because too early born. Begging her to fight for life while nurses keep rushing over for apparent beeping and whatever happen. Begging her to not have mental or physical problem. To beat odd. Then beg her to just stay alive and do not care what come with that. Just want baby to live. Go through rollercoaster with her when she born. A month of staring into plastic incubator will do that to Mumma. Mumma who think normal to just bring baby home from hospital after a couple days. Cannot do with this daughter or son after her.

I like the idea of asking her to wear her ear plugs, that my sister and brother in law bought her because she cannot sleep in dorm for the party noise on weekend, all day long (obviously no hearing problem yet ). To see if she will comply? To appreciate *MY* existence. Just *SO* want her acceptance in this. For her to appreciate what *MY* daily life is like.

I *DO* think she may be resentful for feeling like she is adult in relationship for sometime because I ask her help to hear for me. BUT, I bring subject up here and STOP immediately. Talk to babies and tell sorry, should not ever ask you do this, did not realize how rely on them and so sorry and will not do again. Think she 'mother hen' personality and, maybe, she miss being the one that Mumma always ask, "What they say? What was that?"

Thing that bothers me is *this* daughter *FIRST* child to want to know ASL. Do not understand what change. Maybe is because do not always rely on it in daily life? Maybe because do not go voice off threat? Maybe she fine thinking she do not have to use ASL for everyday and now scared because she feel do not know enough of language to communicate to Mumma.

Honestly, knowing my darling girl, I do not think she meant it to come across the way it came across. She very blunt (don't know where she get that from ) but she also just little girl inside sometimes. She probably, because grow up Deaf Mum recent, she know 'blunt' better than most hearie kids. Will forgive her for bluntness. Will not accept that she refuse learn my language because her language also. She do not know as much as me but she was very fascinated by it which helped me to unleash my identity..knowing I have children who accept my first language.

THANK YOU! I really appreciate what you have asked here. It make me think *SO* much and, I can assure, will continue to think.

Oh, and she text me from University tonight, "I have such a bad fever wish I had Mum to take care of me." Breaks my heart that I cannot tuck her in bed with homemade chicken noodle soup. How can you be upset with daughter who like this?

rebeccalj said:

Oh, and she text me from University tonight, "I have such a bad fever wish I had Mum to take care of me." Breaks my heart that I cannot tuck her in bed with homemade chicken noodle soup. How can you be upset with daughter who like this?

Click to expand...

She is still very, very young, and really we can't expect her to act like an adult at her age. Developmentally, she just isn't able. But that doesn't mean that you have to tolerate disrespect from her, either.

At this age, it is normal for things to be "all about me." That is why I suggested at the very beginning that you turn it around on her so she was the one being asked for proof of something. Demonstrating how the same thing could have a negative effect on her is the quickest way to realization when you are talking about 18-25 year olds.

Funny thing is that the kids appreciate mom when mom isn't there to help. We get taken for granted. In a way, it means that we've done our job. The kids were secure and knew that mom would always be there. That's why Rebecca got that text.

rebeccaj - three years ago, I asked one of my sisters (I have three sisters, all older than me) why her other sister got invited to her parties but I never did. Her response was that when she was in her 20s, she wanted to be selfish for she felt as though growing up, her life revolved around me and my deafness, that I got the lion's share of my mother's attention. As she got old enough to move out of the house, she wanted her life to be all about herself for a change. She didn't invite me because, in her words, she didn't want to worry about babysitting me at her parties and making sure I was having a good time. She wanted to be able to relax and not have to worry.

That was very educational for me and really helped strengthen our bonds. it made me realize that the issue wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it was that she needed some time to be utterly selfish for a while.

It could be your daughter wants to be selfish right now and not have every visit with you be all about you and your needs for ASL (from her perspective).

It's obvous from the text message she sent you that she loves and adores you very much and is having a hard time balancing between being selfish and being considerate and respectful of your needs.

Give her time to grow up. Your other kids got it, but this one may need a little more time before she gets it too. But don't let her attitude make you feel guilty in any way and certainly don't let every single thing she says send you into an emotional tailspin. Just ride it out, keep on being yourself, be mature and in control and she will come around.

Very interesting insight there.

My sister once said the same thing, DC. Today, we have a pretty strong relationship.

Hey, no need to thank me I didn't do anything

Yes, you are right about quote from my own Mum. Make me cry re-reading that. I don't know why because grown woman now and that several year ago. But it break my heart when she say to me that. Always, *ALWAYS* ashamed deaf. Always, *ALWAYS* ashame not speak right for Mum. She always embarrass for me speak in front of stranger. Would stand close beside her and her arm would always come down as in 'stop' as in 'don't say anything let me speak for you.'

Click to expand...

I can sense you are hurting deeply, it's palpable from your posts.
The thing about our parents is it doesn't matter how old we get,
if they are alive or dead, we will always always remember the pain they've caused us and mourn what we wanted them, needed them to be
but they never were.

This strike a common chord here with me although on different matters,
and it occurred to me - perhaps because such treatment made you feel dismissed, small, insignificant,
stupid even?
I know it would make me feel like that.

Your mom didn't understood your deaf nature, and that is very sad.
I have this theory it's not that she didn't want to,
it's just her generation was too conservative to know any better.
It does hurt very, very VERY much for she was your mom and if anything,
looks like she should have support you, protected you, not do the other way.
And looks like she has failed at it.
I was wondering if you are mourning
her failing to understand you, and protect you in your deafness, or you mourn more what never happened- her supporting you as a deaf child, and later a deaf adult and being happy for you in this?
It may take you a number of years, but when the right time comes
you will be able to forgive your mom and move on, I assure you...
It does help to talk about it, so if you have someone to talk, please, do.

Part of me feel *SO* guilty for thinking 'shut up about it already' but another part make me wonder why, she of all babies, think this way. She *SO* philosopher and want be forensic psychiatrist. Why someone who want, so clearly to study human mind, do not want to study Mummy?

Click to expand...

well, from my experience we moms come last, lolol
we are the safest pple in the world - we are always here, always dependable,
always accepting, good to dump everything on our heads
oh, and we were never young, we don't know what love is, and we never ever have s-e-x !

God you make me cry.[waaaa] You touch hurts with your words because how I feel. Exactly! SO sick of correcting speech. So sick of other correcting my speech...ESPECIALLY HER!!! She do it A LOT!! And, you right, it hurts SO much coming from her because she *SO* premature and I love her SO desperately. I stay all time with her at hospital so hope she do not die because too early born. Begging her to fight for life while nurses keep rushing over for apparent beeping and whatever happen. Begging her to not have mental or physical problem. To beat odd. Then beg her to just stay alive and do not care what come with that. Just want baby to live. Go through rollercoaster with her when she born. A month of staring into plastic incubator will do that to Mumma. Mumma who think normal to just bring baby home from hospital after a couple days. Cannot do with this daughter or son after her.

Click to expand...

I am so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry..
I just thought how would I feel, and I would feel very hurt, rejected even,
if someone I care deeply for wouldn't bother to be more considerate for me in return.
Especially in something so basic and important, my livelihood, really.

And especially you, seeing how you give everything of yourself and more to this baby, and she seems so selfish, right?
Perhaps this whole issue is all the harder to bear for you because it feels like it's your mother allover again?
It seems like "what the hey, is your own daughter turning into your mother despite all you went thru, or what?"
What can hurt more than your very blood and flesh
turning into your mother, right?
But I don't think that's the case- I think maybe your daughter just lack
a maturity needed to grasp the concept of what it REALLY mean to be deaf and communicate with hearing pple,
let alone how important it is to you
from the mother-daughter perspective, is all.

I *DO* think she may be resentful for feeling like she is adult in relationship for sometime because I ask her help to hear for me. BUT, I bring subject up here and STOP immediately. Talk to babies and tell sorry, should not ever ask you do this, did not realize how rely on them and so sorry and will not do again. Think she 'mother hen' personality and, maybe, she miss being the one that Mumma always ask, "What they say? What was that?"

Click to expand...

Well, if she misses being "momma hen" and translating for you,
then all the more reason to learn better ASL and communicate with you only thru it

Thing that bothers me is *this* daughter *FIRST* child to want to know ASL. Do not understand what change. Maybe is because do not always rely on it in daily life? Maybe because do not go voice off threat? Maybe she fine thinking she do not have to use ASL for everyday and now scared because she feel do not know enough of language to communicate to Mumma.

Click to expand...

But, frankly, pardon for being so blunt, who cares what they think- too much?
It's you and what you need what's important in this matter.
No, I know you feel hurt by your daughter refusal, but also why would you care "why"?
She's only 18, 14, 16, 18, 20- they change all the time,

in a few years from now she sure is not going to think what is she thinking today,
and you are still her guidance and influence, her PARENT.
Great parent
Do not doubt yourself.

Honestly, knowing my darling girl, I do not think she meant it to come across the way it came across. She very blunt (don't know where she get that from ) but she also just little girl inside sometimes.

Click to expand...

Exactly! so you know her

She probably, because grow up Deaf Mum recent, she know 'blunt' better than most hearie kids. Will forgive her for bluntness. Will not accept that she refuse learn my language because her language also. She do not know as much as me but she was very fascinated by it which helped me to unleash my identity..knowing I have children who accept my first language.

Click to expand...

hmmm, at 18 she is just probably discovering her own identity and she is yet going to change her mind hundred times over.
Does the other children sign with you?

And last but not least - what do you mean by "unleash my identity?"
Do you mean you weren't forthcoming as a deaf person in your own family at first, if you don't mind me asking?

Fuzzy

It could be your daughter wants to be selfish right now and not have every visit with you be all about you and your needs for ASL (from her perspective).

Click to expand...

This is also in interesting POV, I however wonder if it's fair to demand from
a deaf person who can hardly understand what is being said to abstain from
communicating in ASL?

Because communication is one thing, catering to/entertaining one all the time still another.

I think the simplest thing would be to ask the daughter outright, do you agree?

Fuzzy

jillio said:

She is still very, very young, and really we can't expect her to act like an adult at her age. Developmentally, she just isn't able. But that doesn't mean that you have to tolerate disrespect from her, either.

At this age, it is normal for things to be "all about me." That is why I suggested at the very beginning that you turn it around on her so she was the one being asked for proof of something. Demonstrating how the same thing could have a negative effect on her is the quickest way to realization when you are talking about 18-25 year olds.

Click to expand...

This is true. I like idea about asking proof of something. Marks would be good start.

sallylou said:

Funny thing is that the kids appreciate mom when mom isn't there to help. We get taken for granted. In a way, it means that we've done our job. The kids were secure and knew that mom would always be there. That's why Rebecca got that text.

Click to expand...

Yes, agree. She seem to have some day where very independant and other day like little girl again.

DeafCaroline said:

rebeccaj - three years ago, I asked one of my sisters (I have three sisters, all older than me) why her other sister got invited to her parties but I never did. Her response was that when she was in her 20s, she wanted to be selfish for she felt as though growing up, her life revolved around me and my deafness, that I got the lion's share of my mother's attention. As she got old enough to move out of the house, she wanted her life to be all about herself for a change. She didn't invite me because, in her words, she didn't want to worry about babysitting me at her parties and making sure I was having a good time. She wanted to be able to relax and not have to worry.

That was very educational for me and really helped strengthen our bonds. it made me realize that the issue wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it was that she needed some time to be utterly selfish for a while.

It could be your daughter wants to be selfish right now and not have every visit with you be all about you and your needs for ASL (from her perspective).

It's obvous from the text message she sent you that she loves and adores you very much and is having a hard time balancing between being selfish and being considerate and respectful of your needs.

Give her time to grow up. Your other kids got it, but this one may need a little more time before she gets it too. But don't let her attitude make you feel guilty in any way and certainly don't let every single thing she says send you into an emotional tailspin. Just ride it out, keep on being yourself, be mature and in control and she will come around.

Click to expand...

I *really* like this. It make a lot of sense to me. Is *very* possible that she is just taking time to be selfish.

Audiofuzzy said:

Hey, no need to thank me I didn't do anything



I can sense you are hurting deeply, it's palpable from your posts.
The thing about our parents is it doesn't matter how old we get,
if they are alive or dead, we will always always remember the pain they've caused us and mourn what we wanted them, needed them to be
but they never were.

Click to expand...

Probably moreso 'palpable' because father have quadruple bypass surgery the other day so thoughts of parent at surface. So have hurting and sad and worry for him. Have such loving father yet late mother just horrible person. Opposite attract for sure.

This strike a common chord here with me although on different matters,
and it occurred to me - perhaps because such treatment made you feel dismissed, small, insignificant,
stupid even?
I know it would make me feel like that.

Click to expand...

All of above. Always be made to feel stupid from mother. Not worthy. Is *the* reason get so much education and degrees. To prove her wrong. Funny thing is the deaf kid in the family, who mother say will not amount to much, is also only child with degrees. 14 children and I was only child to get a degree but did not stop there. Needed more than one or two to prove to her was not fluke.

Your mom didn't understood your deaf nature, and that is very sad.
I have this theory it's not that she didn't want to,
it's just her generation was too conservative to know any better.
It does hurt very, very VERY much for she was your mom and if anything,
looks like she should have support you, protected you, not do the other way.
And looks like she has failed at it.

Click to expand...

You give too much credit for her. She knew enough to leave me at hospital when born. Too much of burden for her.

I was wondering if you are mourning
her failing to understand you, and protect you in your deafness, or you mourn more what never happened- her supporting you as a deaf child, and later a deaf adult and being happy for you in this?
It may take you a number of years, but when the right time comes
you will be able to forgive your mom and move on, I assure you...
It does help to talk about it, so if you have someone to talk, please, do.

Click to expand...

Oh, have few years of weekly therapy, twice weekly if talk to her that week, but this also beginning of embrace Deaf me. So, on one hand forgive her for just being human, capable of mistake, but since find AD realize much more to it, if make sense? Is as though on road to truly understanding the magnitude of what she did.

well, from my experience we moms come last, lolol
we are the safest pple in the world - we are always here, always dependable,
always accepting, good to dump everything on our heads
oh, and we were never young, we don't know what love is, and we never ever have s-e-x !

Click to expand...

This is *SO* true. Sooner kids realize we not just 'Mum', but person, human, the better.

I am so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry..
I just thought how would I feel, and I would feel very hurt, rejected even,
if someone I care deeply for wouldn't bother to be more considerate for me in return.
Especially in something so basic and important, my livelihood, really.

And especially you, seeing how you give everything of yourself and more to this baby, and she seems so selfish, right?
Perhaps this whole issue is all the harder to bear for you because it feels like it's your mother allover again?
It seems like "what the hey, is your own daughter turning into your mother despite all you went thru, or what?"
What can hurt more than your very blood and flesh
turning into your mother, right?
But I don't think that's the case- I think maybe your daughter just lack
a maturity needed to grasp the concept of what it REALLY mean to be deaf and communicate with hearing pple,
let alone how important it is to you
from the mother-daughter perspective, is all.

Click to expand...

Think you *were* right. Feel like miracle daughter turn into own mother. Trying to not let this thought affect relationship with her but think this is why it hurt so much. Bring back a lot of hurtful memories. Because own mother do not allow ASL once I start school. Expected to speak only English. No more ASL. Own mother not allow pen/paper to communicate. Own mother do not let speak unless ennunciate perfect or wash mouth with soap. So, two month ago when take 3rd daughter for dinner while in town for conference, and want to use pen/paper during dinner, she upset about and keep trying to take pen/paper because she want me to speak. This is like flashback to what own mother would have done.

Well, if she misses being "momma hen" and translating for you,
then all the more reason to learn better ASL and communicate with you only thru it

Click to expand...

Ha! Good point!

But, frankly, pardon for being so blunt, who cares what they think- too much?
It's you and what you need what's important in this matter.
No, I know you feel hurt by your daughter refusal, but also why would you care "why"?
She's only 18, 14, 16, 18, 20- they change all the time,

in a few years from now she sure is not going to think what is she thinking today,
and you are still her guidance and influence, her PARENT.
Great parent
Do not doubt yourself.

Click to expand...

I guess, in mind, see adult now. Forget that she still maturing.

Exactly! so you know her

hmmm, at 18 she is just probably discovering her own identity and she is yet going to change her mind hundred times over.
Does the other children sign with you?

And last but not least - what do you mean by "unleash my identity?"
Do you mean you weren't forthcoming as a deaf person in your own family at first, if you don't mind me asking?

Fuzzy

Click to expand...

Yes, oldest daughter and her kids sign with me. We use combination of sign and speaking. 2nd daughter is going to learn ASL. Youngest two kids know lots of signs and even though son is, how say, on the fence, he signs while he talks to me sometimes but I do not think he realizes he is doing it.

When say 'unleash my identity' probably proper word is 'embrace.' I grow up as 'pretend hearie.' Grow up to be embarrass to admit deaf. Family all know, of course, but expected to be hearie. Wake up one day and realize fraud and do not want to be living like that anymore so start journey toward being me. This began about 14 years ago. But, feel ashamed to be blunt about it at first. Still oral deaf with kids. Was like living two lives. 'Pretend hearie' Rebecca and Deaf Rebecca.

Probably moreso 'palpable' because father have quadruple bypass surgery the other day so thoughts of parent at surface. So have hurting and sad and worry for him.

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Oh, I am so very sorry! Quadruple surgery is no little thing, it's a big surgery.
How is he the post-op? Is he healing well?
I found this site you may find interesting:
My Quadruple Bypass
I hope your Daddy is doing well.

Yes, oldest daughter and her kids sign with me. We use combination of sign and speaking. 2nd daughter is going to learn ASL. Youngest two kids know lots of signs and even though son is, how say, on the fence, he signs while he talks to me sometimes but I do not think he realizes he is doing it.

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That is so nice

When say 'unleash my identity' probably proper word is 'embrace.' I grow up as 'pretend hearie.' Grow up to be embarrass to admit deaf. Family all know, of course, but expected to be hearie. Wake up one day and realize fraud and do not want to be living like that anymore so start journey toward being me. This began about 14 years ago. But, feel ashamed to be blunt about it at first. Still oral deaf with kids. Was like living two lives. 'Pretend hearie' Rebecca and Deaf Rebecca.

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I see. Awww. I was wondering if you can tell me what prompted you to decide to stop hiding anymore from being yourself?
And how old were your oldest children, and your Baby Girl?

14 children and I was only child to get a degree but did not stop there. Needed more than one or two to prove to her was not fluke.

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Did your mom ever acknowledged your achievements, if I may ask?

You give too much credit for her. She knew enough to leave me at hospital when born. Too much of burden for her.

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I am so sorry, I can't believe that
That is a vile, hardhearted thing that she did. How could she left her baby!
But she did came back for you? was she never nice, warm for you?
again, if you don't mind me asking this.

Oh, have few years of weekly therapy, twice weekly if talk to her that week, but this also beginning of embrace Deaf me. So, on one hand forgive her for just being human, capable of mistake, but since find AD realize much more to it, if make sense? Is as though on road to truly understanding the magnitude of what she did.

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I am very glad you had (have?) therapy. Sounds like something you very much needed with mom like that.
but since find AD realize much more to it, if make sense? - it makes perfect sense!
Yes, the magnitude of what she did was significant- she was killing the essence of you.
True, I don't know your mom, - but, please don't think of her as someone evil who broke your spirit - because you are Deaf Rebecca soaring now
So, no, no broken spirit here, you were too strong, and you could very well inherit the strength trait from her, want it or not,
like it or not

If I can give you a suggestion, for I had own issues with my own family as well.
I learned you can't change the past. Period.
I learned I need to fully accept that someone, sometime was an flat out mean wrong, there is nothing deeper than that,
and that's it.
I learned that I have to disassociate my "I" , "me" from that person,
and ever since I was able to look at the past without so much emotion and pain anymore.
It was so freeing!
I was able to move on for the first time in my life!
And TRULY forgive.


And your daughter is NOT your mom. She is she.
Look at your daughter with fresh eyes, and the issue will be so much easier
to deal with




Fuzzy

jillio said:

Irresistably funny and absurd. That isn't the compliment you seem to think it is.

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The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Audiofuzzy said:

Oh, I am so very sorry! Quadruple surgery is no little thing, it's a big surgery.
How is he the post-op? Is he healing well?
I found this site you may find interesting:
My Quadruple Bypass
I hope your Daddy is doing well.

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He is doing *SO* good. Was *so* great to see him, Step Mum, little sister and future brother-in-law. Was good visit and father remember to speak face to face and remind Step Mum because she start talking to me and no response from me. Is strange. I keep forgetting she is blind and she keep forgetting I'm deaf. But was *good* baby step for father. Cannot remember him doing that before and he *so* drugged when he remind her, too.

That is so nice



I see. Awww. I was wondering if you can tell me what prompted you to decide to stop hiding anymore from being yourself?
And how old were your oldest children, and your Baby Girl?

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Yes, very nice.

As for second part is probably evolution. Always do simple signs with kids but not consistent with it because have moments where feel embarrass.

Get first HAs in 1999 so kids were 15, 13, 6 and 3 but oldest daughter living with her dad at that time.

Start re-learn ASL in 2006 on my own. For some reason long to re-learn. Do not know why other than meet deaf friends at pub and cannot communicate to them. Most ignore me because cannot do proper ASL but one friend do pen/paper with me. So kids would be 22, 19, 13 and 10 and this is when 3rd daughter start to be interest in learning ASL too. So, sign more at home with 2 youngest, while talking to them, so that they also learn. Sometimes, like if on long ferry ride to Vancouver Island, we just sit outside and practice and that made me *so* happy.

Just those few experiences with deaf friends, meeting at pub, start fire inside me but start to feel like, "What world do I belong?" I could not understand my own community enough to conversational sign but never feel like belong to hearies either. Caught in-between like movie AJ post about "My Song." Kind of feel defeated because deaf seem to reject me but just continue to learn ASL on own.

In 2006, join forum because can read body language and think this might be helpful to people who 'sleuth' show called 'Bachelor.' Was *very* nervous to put my challenge out to faceless strangers. Think will be judged. But they excited to have someone that can do what I do.

In 2008, good friend and I start my own forum primarily so I can share body language skills to them without censorship. Literally thousands of hearies *SO* grateful because now they start to see world through my eyes as well as their own. Still, these were hearies and only one other deafie on the site and long for 'own' community even more.

Even register to Deaf dating site in 2009 and this reinforce that I *still* do not belong because cannot conversational sign but have enough experience at this point to know communication with hearie husbands or boyfriends *SO* challenging all the time. So, decide will only date someone who know ASL or willing to learn. Meanwhile, *still* trying to become more fluent in ASL.

Think really start to stop hiding when someone on sports forum, that I belong to for 8 years, make fun of one of my posts. Even though always try to type proper 'English', because they all hearies, made mistake. So I kind of get upset to him and explain that 'English' is not my first language. That I am deaf and think in 'deafie.' He thought that was ridiculous. Many, who had not met me in real life, were shocked that I'm deaf and that 'English' is not first language because did not feel need to 'splash' it about and probably, to be honest, still embarrass and do not want to be treated different. It bother me *so* much search out Deaf forum to see if other 'deafies' have as much trouble communicating as I always did. That was a year ago when I found AD.

Sharing experiences with others, who went through the same things as I did, really brought inner fire to rolling boil. *Finally* feel like belong even if raised 'Oral' deaf. Beclak really inspire me as did PFH because seem *so* brave about embrace Deaf identity and /voice. Learn it is 'okay' to be /voice because *SO* tiring speaking.

My two youngest kids were involved in this entire journey. Son even watch 'Bachelor' with me to help with certain words because CC did not work on TV. He and I enjoy that night together while I write blog for hearie friends on my forum. So, is not like just dump new and improved Mumma on youngest because they were there for it all. Communicate all of the above with them from not understand Deaf 'pub' friends to own forum.

Did your mom ever acknowledged your achievements, if I may ask?

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No.

I am so sorry, I can't believe that
That is a vile, hardhearted thing that she did. How could she left her baby!
But she did came back for you? was she never nice, warm for you?
again, if you don't mind me asking this.

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Yes, auntie and uncle took me from hospital because 'broken' so mother do not want but she change mind about one year later and take me back because father and her get back together. Auntie and uncle teach me baby sign and my mother continue but take away when start school. She embarrass to talk with hands. Make me speak only. Would wash mouth with soap if do not enunciate properly so come home, everyday after school, and practice words in bathroom mirror so that she accept me as good 'hearie' daughter. :roll:

Please do not think upset about that. Yes, it hurts to think about but do not feel that would have been so 'over-achiever' and now have such great job if never learn to speak proper. It allow me to be financially independent of man and allow me to provide for children.

I am very glad you had (have?) therapy. Sounds like something you very much needed with mom like that.
but since find AD realize much more to it, if make sense? - it makes perfect sense!
Yes, the magnitude of what she did was significant- she was killing the essence of you.
True, I don't know your mom, - but, please don't think of her as someone evil who broke your spirit - because you are Deaf Rebecca soaring now
So, no, no broken spirit here, you were too strong, and you could very well inherit the strength trait from her, want it or not,
like it or not

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Yes, feel like my mother murder little pieces of me but heal them. Do not feel get inner strength from her. My father is absolute hero for what he survived in life. If you knew his story you would be like this --->

I'm *SO* proud of him for surviving it all and being example to me of courage and strength.

If I can give you a suggestion, for I had own issues with my own family as well.
I learned you can't change the past. Period.
I learned I need to fully accept that someone, sometime was an flat out mean wrong, there is nothing deeper than that,
and that's it.
I learned that I have to disassociate my "I" , "me" from that person,
and ever since I was able to look at the past without so much emotion and pain anymore.
It was so freeing!
I was able to move on for the first time in my life!
And TRULY forgive.

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Agree. Girlfriend once say to me, when mother is dying and feel do not care, "Rebecca, anger heals, hurt fades but regret stays with you forever." Those words really hit hard and realize need to try to mend, somehow, relationship with my mother before she die. This all well and good but sometimes only one person willing, and have open heart, to do mending. She just continue to be mean and cruel to me, even send heart wrenching? letter that I write her, because she ask all kids to write her, back to me with note, "Don't ever write to me again." :roll:

She also ask kids what we want of her things. I do not care about her money. Just want her violin, because only child who play instrument in family, doilies that she make so can give to children and a 'Chief Dan George' painting. She give violin to youngest brother who do not even know how to play. :roll:

And your daughter is NOT your mom. She is she.
Look at your daughter with fresh eyes, and the issue will be so much easier
to deal with




Fuzzy

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Yes, she is nowhere near my mother. She have *me* for a Mum and, despite issue of ASL and /voice, have raised amazing strong and opinionated children who all know very much loved and wanted by me. Always tell them how thankful I am that I got to be their Mumma.

VacationGuy234 said:

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

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You are misusing the quote.

<< not reading thesises

posts from hell said:

<< not reading thesises

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Verbosity is rampant.