I Won't Fight Cancer Again

deafbajagal

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Third time is supposed to be the charm. The last battle was probably the most scared, lonely, and angry I've ever been. I had symptoms, and it took nearly a year before my proper diagnosis. Ironically, it wasn't a specialist who discovered it...it was actually someone at Planned Parenthood who took the time to really listen...and she guided me to the diagnosis by personally seeing I got proper care. If I had waited just a few weeks, it would have been too late.

I just moved to a new city for a new job. We had yet to find a place to live. While my husband stayed with my girls in another city, I spent my days working, going to treatments, and trying to get established by finding a place to live, get utilities started, etc. If you have not had radiation treatments, you cannot possibly fathom the pain from it. To make it worse, the treatment triggered my PTSD to the point I would not be able to distinguish the treatment and what happened. I went to work, while fighting nausea, puking blood, having pain in every part of my body, and enduring exhaustion. Then I would drive myself to the treatment...afterwards I would sleep in my car, often after crying from pain and sheer fear. For the first few nights, I slept in my car until a friend let me stay in her house...but in exchange, I had to babysit her kids. I was not in the condition to do it, but I didn't have a choice. After three weeks, I finally got an apartment, got my kids enrolled in school, got utilities going, etc. I seriously wonder how I avoided suicide...it was really just too much.

For the next several months, I continued to drive myself to and from the doctors. I joined a support group and made good friends. Nevertheless, the people who should have been involved in my life simply vanished. Honestly, hardly anyone called, texted, sent messages, etc. Day in and out, I pushed myself to make sure my girls had dinner, did their homework, etc. I learned to have my own little life. I learned to let the housework go. To take shortcuts to make it work.

A few days ago, my 6th month cancer-free mark came quietly...no one noticed or mentioned it. Not surprising. And I lost two friends from the circle of the cancer support group.

When I first told someone I might have cancer, the words were who would take care of the girls? That alone shook every will I had to die...and pressed me to survive. It showed me that I was involved with someone who simply saw my kids as baggage, not a responsibility. And that burden became my own.

I gave everything I had...even my soul, to survive. Here I am, alone at night. My ear has been bleeding...this is by far the worst ear infection I've had...yet, like always, I got up, took care of kids, made dinner, got their backpacks ready, got them ready for bed...all while in pain and with tears. So...I made a decision. I won't fight cancer again if it returns...and it might. The two friends who died from the same kind I had were in full remission.

I will begin looking into adoption services for my girls to make sure they are not separated and they will have the best life possible. Family, no. If they didn't care enough to check on them while I was going through the treatments, then they erased their ties.

I simply cannot do it anymore. Maybe I'm too bitter. Selfish. But I do know...I have nothing left.
 
Deafbajagal, is that really your story? I'm so sorry.

Is your husband with you? Where is he in terms of taking care of the girls?

But I hope and pray for you that it doesn't come to that, and that you remain cancer-free.
 
I'm so very sorry for what you've been thru, and are going thru now.

I am praying for you. :hug:

Please keep us posted on updates.
 
sorry hear terrible grieve on reading pretty sad!
 
about 2 years ago i have been getting to know you, and im sorry i hadnt be in touch, but its great to see you back in AD, and it really breaks my heart to discover you may be at risk falling out of remission, i really dread it for you. i really hope that one day if i visit us of a, id visit you in person. its scaring me that there may be no chance...i dont pray but i will hope for the best for you, regardless if i go to usa or not, you dont deserve to go you have kids and all, you're too valuable for yourself, your family and the deaf community,shit what can i say? id dare to pray to for you...you look after yourself and yes its good idea to do short cut around the house, get rest and move about, balance it -that 10x more important than leaving in a sqeaky clean home...
go easy on yourself eh
 
:hug: I have been reading your posts and understand how you feel about it. it's better to be prepare and make sure the girls are in the comfort zone. wonder about your close friend who might be willing to take care of the girls. If someone ask me about their kids and i would take them with me if they are my close friend. again i pray that it won't returns to you. :hug:
 
I am so sorry to learn of your troubles, deafbajagal, and I can feel for you. You have many members here who care for you, though, so please stay in touch and let us know whatever is on your mind. It takes a strong mind and soul to weather it, and I know you have them. Hang in there, sweetie, and keep us updated. :hug:
 
I wish we have an extra room to take your girls. :( I am so sorry you have to go through those crappy times! :( I am scared who would raise my kids too if anything happens to me. My husband can, but what if anything happen to him as well? Scary thought!! *shudder*
 
deafbajagal - I had no idea about your history - am very sorry to learn of what you went through. And that you were alone. Please keep us posted about your ear infection and let us know what's happening with you.
 
Even tho' I don't know very much about you.....this seems to be one of ur "darkest Hours".....I dunno where ur "husband" is....or ur family....If they have not offered...any comfort to you, then I realize how you are feeling....Someone should be with you! Not out of sympathy, but out of Love!.....

Pick up that phone, or have ur children call (if possible)...or someone from the hospital call....to any and every organization there is for help....it's out there somewhere.....

I'm sure that a member here at AD, who might live in ur city, or close by...can try to help you get some HELP....My thoughts and concern are with you.....is there anything I can do for you? Please PM me if you would like to....And get to the emergency room for ur ear!....Even the Health Dept. "Giving up" is not an option here...you have children, they need you.
 
My dad went though cancer twice and it was the worst times of my life. It was SO hard seeing the strongest, most muscular man I've ever known dwindle down to almost nothing. Almost every time I looked at him, I couldn't help but think that his eyes were too big for his head. The treatment he went though was hell and it was agonizingly difficult on us too.. He would snap at me, blackout, and be sick all the time and there was nothing I could do about it.

My dad doesn't sign well. After a week-long DIFFICULT and testing white water rafting trip he and I went on in Idaho, he called my sister home. He sat us down and said "I have cancer" and only signed a "C" I thought I must've misunderstood him. I looked at my older sister and she started crying and I knew I understood. A year and a half later, I asked him if it was worth it - all the pain. His answer was instant: yes! It was so worth it.

I'm really, truly sorry for you and your girls. I wish this didn't happen to the three of you. I wish your family and friends were more supportive.

8518_178160937802_596617802_3702949_1118058_n.jpg

It's a bookmark. I made it for my dad. It's a picture of my mom and dad of his first time walking after 2 weeks after major and aggressive surgery. The quote's by Lance Armstrong. It says "When you think about it, what other choice do we have but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up or fight like hell."
 
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:grouphug:

I'm so sad that your husband isn't around for support and that you're fighting cancer alone... I pray that you find a renewed reason to fight cancer one more time
 
Deafbajagal,

Your post has left me feeling very sad and inarticulate. The best I can do is say that I have read what the others have posted and that is exactly how I feel.

I'm so happy that you passed your 6 month anniversary cancer free. Please stay strong Deafbajagal.

Painful ear infections are the worse. I hope it clears up very soon.
 
Wirelessly posted (droid)

I am so sorry. Your body has been through so much. Depression is common after such a physical trauma. It's a biological disease, not a moral failing. Can you talk to your doctors about how you're feeling? They can help. I can't possibly know what you feel in ths situation but I do know that you are a special, unique person who deserves care. Please do something, even if it's only calling the suicide hotline in your darkest moments. Sending healing thoughts your way.
 
Man, just now saw this! I'm so very sorry, DBG.....
 
I know there is nothing I can say or do to help or provide comfort. But I agree with Sunny. We want you to fight, if there is anything we can do, please let us know.

:grouphug:
 
No, I do not know you but your story really made me stop and think about my family and how much they mean to me (Thank you for that). I am deeply sorry to hear that you have to go through this. No, I do not know how it feels but I am glad you are sharing your story online for everyone to read. I'm truly sorry your so-called family is not able to support you, that must be the worst feeling in all of this. I think it's wonderful to plan the future of your girls in case. That shows you have some heart and that you are VERY brave. I do hope you will have a little fight left in your body. Please do keep us updated.
 
This is gut wrenching for me. I, too, want you to fight. But, I understand if you can't. As you may or may not know, my Dad was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer a little over a year ago. He also has an incurable progressive lung disease. As a result, he's untreatable. He, too, has decided to NOT aggressively fight either the cancer or the lung disease. It was the hardest thing for us to come to terms with, but it IS his decision; just like this is YOUR decision to make. No one can truly understand what this is like unless they've been there.

I hope like all heck that you are still in remission and what you're experiencing is just a really bad infection or absess of some type. If not, and it is a recurrence, I can only say that I've come to admire you for all you've been through and I KNOW that you will make the right decision for yourself and your children.

You've fought the good fight so far. If you're tired, then that's OK.

You and the kids will be in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:
 
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