Piggy in the middle

I was born deaf in both ears, at five i was prescribed two hearing aids.
but as i got older only wore one for fear of being bullied worse than i already was getting.

My mother through ignorance deprived me of learning the language of the deaf BSL, and informed or brainwashed me that i was normal and could do normal things. well maybe blindly ignorantly yes, but ultimately throughout the years i accepted this as she was my mother, and depending on my hearing aid with life or death anticipation, if i didnt have it, i would be in a severe state of panic.

for the first time in my whole life my hearing aid broke and now i am completely in a deaf world, I cannot hear and I cannot sign language.


The emotions that are building up inside of me are a boiling pot of resentment, anger, frustration and pity, for my mother who obviously in her own small mind didnt realise or understand what i had to experience as i was the only deaf person in the whole family!!!

In the meantime i am waiting for my hearing aid, all things will be better thankfully i have the means to hear again, unlike some people who maynot be priviledged too.

But for the meantime, i have experienced deafness properly for three months after relying on hearing aids all my life, am i selfish in feeling these feelings and having these rants?

As I am of an older generation I wonder if there are any others like me who where made to be brought up normal and can live a normal live, but pschyologically being effected knowing that you are not normal!! Thinking your stupid, alien, when in fact its just your identity of who you really are has been hidden from you and you become a shadow of your former self.

it feels to me that my mother was ashamed of my affliction and this has lead me suffer severe depression, confusion, lack of identity, etc, etc, etc as well as other family problems of being lied to about who my real father is and she is refusing even to this day to be in contact with me.

What have i done for her to treat me with such contempt, mockingness, intimidation and lies and make me feel guilty all my life? Well finally i have come to my senses and realised its not me its her.

Her ignorance towards me that i was a sick child, if she was a loving mother she would have shown me unconditional love, regardless if I was deaf, half mute and had a kidney disease and then kick me out at 17 cos i wanted to know who my father was.

Oh gosh this ranting is getting me all boiled up!!

Well i just needed to get that off my chest, cos im isolated at the moment cos of my osteomalacia and my family are not really understanding even tho they try to be, they dont really know the full experience of what some of us have to go through.


I get my really bad days, when i want to smash the whole house up, cos im so confused, and i get really beautiful days and count my blessings at how far i have come considering all the hardship i have encountered ive mentioned here as well as others, i cannot share yet.

Maybe i should write a book loool

anywhere anyone wanna comment or have a random rant too or let me know if they have had similar situations i would love to hear them.

sakinah111
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its audism...
Your mother was just a pawn and victim to rampant and ingrained audist ideology..
Thus
You were denied your birthright. You were denied your natural languge. You were denied our signs
One thing your mother was correct in was indeed you are normal.
But im sure she meant it in a different way..
For us Deaf to be Deaf is a gift not a curse. We dont meassure ourselves by an adiogram, we dont have an affliction in need of a cure.
we have our signs, our treasure, Deaf is a gift. And our treasure is your treasure
have some patience and in no time which each sign aquired you will see defness as an affliction, fade and change to the gift of bieng Deaf.

Thank you hoichi for your post.

Maybe she was right in that respect, yes i am normal. And by no means do i see my deafness as a curse, well maybe on very bad days, but really its a blessing in disguise, if we dont want to hear things or switch of we can not like hearing people they r switched on all the time if you get my meaning. when i have my hearing aids im in control of what i want to hear and believe me in my lifestyle sometimes it is such a blessing. lool

I respect your deep meaningful quotes, but sometimes it seems a bit deep, and i am always looking at signs but not the deaf signs the spiritual signs. but hopefully i intend to learn the deaf sign language in due course.

sakinah111
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sakinah111 said:

Thank you hoichi for your post.

Maybe she was right in that respect, yes i am normal. And by no means do i see my deafness as a curse, well maybe on very bad days, but really its a blessing in disguise, if we dont want to hear things or switch of we can not like hearing people they r switched on all the time if you get my meaning. when i have my hearing aids im in control of what i want to hear and believe me in my lifestyle sometimes it is such a blessing. lool

I respect your deep meaningful quotes, but sometimes it seems a bit deep, and i am always looking at signs but not the deaf signs the spiritual signs. but hopefully i intend to learn the deaf sign language in due course.

sakinah111
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Thank you sikinah...im glad you like my posts....me deep? Ha. Understatement...eheh..
Have you found andor signed up for any bsl yet? Londons a big town, im certain many Deafies there...
Some from there are on here...
Just learn sign...and learn sign with your wife too...you want it to be a living language as it is for you...
sign will breach that chasm,, sign. Is the bridge...
Give it time...
Its yours
Its always has been....

Sakinah111, you are not alone as I had gone through with my parents especially my mother, having me forced to go into the mainstream schools which specialized in Oral Only method. I was angry with my mother a lot because she was not fighting for me to go into the Deaf school so that I can understand what was going on in the classrooms with Deaf teachers. I had begged the high school principal and protested that I need to learn ASL and to have ASL interpreters. The principal told me "NO" which I was very disappointed and upset.

Then I went to the Deaf school in the South of Minnesota (Faribault, Minnesota) with my mother. I explained that I want to attend the Deaf school but he told me later that I could not attend the Deaf school because I am too smart and that I should stay in the mainstream school. Oh, that really hurt me and I got upset about it. So I was forced to stay in the mainstream school until I graduated from high school.

But then I found a Deaf church which was a Lutheran Church for the Deaf. The Deaf pastor taught me to sign old Ameslan which is the same like ASL. It opened up the door and feeling my chest and shoulder lift up and I felt so much better that I could communicated with other Deaf people in the Deaf community back then. I love it. I was so happy.

Finally I went to Seattle Central Community College in Seattle, Washington where the college had Deaf program with ASL interpreters. I also lived in the dormitory with other Deaf students (mixed females and males on one floor). We had good times there. I will always cherished remembered my good times there. All was good.

Beb when I went see brother they took me to Luthuran church that very near Tacoma ,there was quite a lot of deaf and ASL was second nature to nearly everyone in that church..When told I was deaf brit they instantly had BSL signer for me..i read the notice board so much going on for deaf folks even nurse visits...
I wonder if it same church

I feel your pains, I got HA in second grade but quit wearing them by 3rd because of bullying. I struggled through mainstream schools because I couldnt hear what was being taught. I myself, was very smart in certain subjects naturally which got me through but I missed out on a lot. Being in Private schools my parents werent offered or aware of any assistance for me until I got into Public schools, but I became a well guarded and a hardass by that point. Today, I would probly offend most Deaf people because I learned to laugh at myself and my disabilities, where used to I was very defensive about it. Ah well, each their own. But its a way to stay sain. Live life to the fullest, dont let anything get you down.

caz12 said:

Beb when I went see brother they took me to Luthuran church that very near Tacoma ,there was quite a lot of deaf and ASL was second nature to nearly everyone in that church..When told I was deaf brit they instantly had BSL signer for me..i read the notice board so much going on for deaf folks even nurse visits...
I wonder if it same church

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That was many years ago when I was in my early 20. The Deaf Lutheran church was in Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA. Amazing that there was a Deaf Lutheran church in Tacoma, Washington, USA. Very interesting. I am glad that you had someone who knows BSL to sign with you and to know what is going on in the Deaf Lutheran congregation. I don't know if that is the same church like they have in Minnesota. The pastor who taught me to learn how to signed Ameslan (ASL) was probably old or passed away. That was way back in late 1960. I am old now. I am 69 years old. So times went by so fast like the blink of the eyes. Whew.

Bebonang said:

That was many years ago when I was in my early 20. The Deaf Lutheran church was in Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA. Amazing that there was a Deaf Lutheran church in Tacoma, Washington, USA. Very interesting. I am glad that you had someone who knows BSL to sign with you and to know what is going on in the Deaf Lutheran congregation. I don't know if that is the same church like they have in Minnesota. The pastor who taught me to learn how to signed Ameslan (ASL) was probably old or passed away. That was way back in late 1960. I am old now. I am 69 years old. So times went by so fast like the blink of the eyes. Whew.

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There is a Deaf Lutheran church in Des Moines, Iowa too, still active today

Bebonang said:

That was many years ago when I was in my early 20. The Deaf Lutheran church was in Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA. Amazing that there was a Deaf Lutheran church in Tacoma, Washington, USA. Very interesting. I am glad that you had someone who knows BSL to sign with you and to know what is going on in the Deaf Lutheran congregation. I don't know if that is the same church like they have in Minnesota. The pastor who taught me to learn how to signed Ameslan (ASL) was probably old or passed away. That was way back in late 1960. I am old now. I am 69 years old. So times went by so fast like the blink of the eyes. Whew.

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it was not specifically deaf Lutheran but had quite a few deaf there so church incorporated deaf educational medical and social side.It was Tacoma/ seattle area I do believe it was on American indian land but I not sure place began with p
some years ago there was school teacher who got pregnant twice by 12yr old boy it hit international news that's where the church was in that area

Right there with you. I am currently struggling with the realities of needing my hearing aids as to survive but my family does not use ASL or sign. I was treated as normal and never regarded as having a disability. You are not alone.

MelissaWatt said:

Right there with you. I am currently struggling with the realities of needing my hearing aids as to survive but my family does not use ASL or sign. I was treated as normal and never regarded as having a disability. You are not alone.

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I don't one 'hearing' person that is 'normal' .

You are definitely not alone. I have a similar story. Being at the age I am in my early 50s, I only started learning Auslan (Australian Sign Language) 7 years ago. Although I've been learning a lot. It is a challenge,when up until that time, your whole world being around hearing people. Also, with you being the only one deaf, and you want your right to communicate in a way easiest for you - visually. Yet, the people closest to you cannot comprehend any other way of communicating other than orally and refuse to compromise. It's more than just changing your mode of communication, it also having to re-educate those in your inner circle.