Advice: Come out as gay or bi?

Daredevel7

Daredevel7

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A bit of background information about me:

I'm bisexual. I've known this since high school. I've dated only men because I am able to have a relationship with them, love them, and be attracted to them, and I've always told myself that it's easier living life this way than living the gay life.

However, after a decade of dating men, I fell in love with a woman. I can't imagine someone else (man or woman) more perfect for me. So I know I want to be with her for the rest of my life.

All of my friends know. My mom and a cousin knows. I need to tell the rest of the family at some point (most likely after the holidays). The question is: I don't know whether I should tell them that I'm gay or bisexual. My family is somewhat conservative. They are okay with gay people, but find the idea of bisexual perplexing.

Here are the pros and cons:

If I told them I'm gay:
Pros:
- They are more likely to accept it
- They won't question why I won't be with a man.
Cons:
-Feels like I am lying because I AM attracted to men and have had serious relationships with men. If they asked me if I was ever in love with my old serious boyfriends, I feel like I need to lie or downplay my feelings for them.

If I told them I'm bisexual:
Pros:
-I'm being honest.
Cons:
- Family is more likely not take it seriously and claim that I'm going through a "stage".
- Family will pressure me to "find a man" for the sake of kids (if I decide to have kids) or for my sake because "it's easier and less dangerous".
- If I'm going to be with my gf for the rest of my life, why bother telling them I am bi? What's the point?

What to do... what to do....
 
Interesting that is good question. I would say, you would focus on the current of this year whoever you are in relationship with. it does not matter to them unless they ask you some questions then you ll know what to answer is to say, " im in relationship with a gal as of now that i am in love with. If they ask you like " any interesting in guys?? " you would say, " they are hot but i m in relationship so i like both boy and gal. but i have a girlfriend now. I don't know about the future and focus on the present and i am happy with my girlfriend.

Same idea if everyone ask me if i were with a guy or a different guy or same guy. all i can say to them is that I am in relationship with that "T" this year. The following year, i happen to be with different guy and said oh i broke up with T and now I am with a new guy named L. it does not matter with which sex is.

maybe i am not in your shoe and see what you were trying to tell.

To me, i think it does not matter to me as long as you have a girlfriend now. I don't bother to ask you if you like guy or gal. no big deal. But Im pretty open minded that i would ask you to be specific such as oh you like both. COOL. know what i m saying.
 
This is a tough one, DD, and it just basically comes down to your personal comfort level. I think it is wonderful that you are concerned with what would be easier for your family members, but they really shouldn't be your primary concern. You and your partner should be primary. And for something like this, you should be at the top of the list of who to make most comfortable.

When it comes right down to it, you are not obligated to give anyone an explanation regarding your sexual orientation. Just state that this is your partner, and they will draw their own conclusions. Psst...they are going to do that no matter what you say, anyway. Preconceived notions, and all.

Here's a practical suggestion that I use with logical thinkers like you:

Add an arbitrary number value to your pros and cons list (ex: 1 for a pro; 2 for a con) and then do a cost/benefit analysis. Sometimes it helps with objectivity to convert it to numbers.

I wish you the best in whatever your decision may be.:hug:
 
That's because you're cool like that, FF. I don't have a problem telling the more open minded people that I am bi. I told my cousin the truth and probably will do the same for my other cousins.

However, the older generation is not as open minded. The gay thing is still new to them, so bisexuality is like a "wtf?" thing for them.

Hope that makes sense. :)
 
jillio said:
Here's a practical suggestion that I use with logical thinkers like you:

Add an arbitrary number value to your pros and cons list (ex: 1 for a pro; 2 for a con) and then do a cost/benefit analysis. Sometimes it helps with objectivity to convert it to numbers.
Click to expand...

LOL...

Wow.... is my character THAT revealing online?

Sigh.. you know me too well already....

Thanks for the advice! ;)
 
Daredevel7 said:
If I'm going to be with my gf for the rest of my life, why bother telling them I am bi? What's the point?
Click to expand...

I think you just answered your own question with this one. The problem with some people is that they don't quite understand why people are "different", at least in their eyes.

Some people will never accept you for who you are, while it may take some time for someone to eventually accept you. Some may surprise you too as well.
 
Daredevel7 said:
That's because you're cool like that, FF. I don't have a problem telling the more open minded people that I am bi. I told my cousin the truth and probably will do the same for my other cousins.

However, the older generation is not as open minded. The gay thing is still new to them, so bisexuality is like a "wtf?" thing for them.

Hope that makes sense. :)
Click to expand...


I know what you mean. i am italian and i must admit that there is some older generation that can't stand of seeing us who like to date non white people. of course We youngies cousins screw them and continue what we like to do with our lives. Whenever we see them and they say NOTHING. :lol: They can't run our lives for the rest of lives because they will umm you know won't live long enough due to their older generation.

For you, if they dont understand you then it wastes your time to explain to them because they dont respect you for who you are. thats all matter to me.
 
Just a thought, you only intend to be in one relationship at a time, right?: could you say something along the lines of "I'm still figuring out if I like guys or girls more, but I really like the girl I'm with now."

It sounds like a watered down version of being bisexual without directly stating the term, if that's what you think might cause your family and friends from getting sensitive about it. Finally you're being honest, if that's what you are trying to accomplish. :thumb:
 
Ahm... hey =)
I'm going to put my two cents because I've been there! And I'm still there ;)
You don't need to come out as anything if you don't want to. You can be [nameofyourgirlfriend]sexual. :D I mean, your sexuality is your business.
One of the cons of coming out as bi (so I hear a lot) is that people automatically assume you are 'more promiscuous' which is absolutely silly. But it's one of the reasons I never did come out as bi. My family knows my girlfriend and they assume I'm gay, I just let them, cause personally it doesn't bother me. But if you want 'honesty is the best policy' just say it like it is ;) they'll take it seriously soon enough when they see you guys are a lasting couple. And if they start with "if you're bi than choose a guy instead" you can just turn the tables "you know, I don't like the husband you chose, won't you choose another instead?", because it's the same thing ;)
But really, in the end, you don't need to come out as anything is all! Do what your heart wants! Ask yourself what it wants, it knows what it wants! :D
 
I'm bi and fairly out about it. "Bi" still brings with it a lot of assumptions from both sides.
Look inside yourself first. Go beyond the surface. Then maybe you'll know
 
posts from hell said:
Has any decision been made regarding this issue?
Click to expand...

Well, I liked your idea. "I have a girlfriend". No labels.

Unfortunately, the next logical question out of their mouths will be "So that means you're gay, then?"

Back to square one.... :)

I can always act like a politician.

Them: "So that means you're gay, then?"
Me: "It means I'm in a gay relationship."
Them: "How long have you known that you're gay?"
Me: "I've always been attracted to girls since middle/high school."


Something like that? Still honest but not quite labeling myself?
 
jillio said:
:shock: Do tell...how does Ellen do it?
Click to expand...

time.jpg
 
Suggestion from a straight hearing guy.

Come out as yourself.

This is who I love. I love this person more than anybody else I've been with. To me I'm just me. What does that make me to you?

What should I do? Now or in the future?

The future is an open book. Every day each of us creates ourself: Every day each of us discovers ourself. Each day we do what we do. The day after that we know what we did.

To me, I am me -- Nobody else.

To you, I am whatever you believe me to be.

You tell me -- What am I to you.



The bolded part is a copyrighted poem, by the way.

The author?

Myself, of course. ;)
 
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