How To Raise A Thinking Child...

Questions For Parents

"Children must be empowered, not overpowered."

Dr. Shure says parents who spank and yell strip children of their sense of personal power. Many times, parents first talk, then yell and as a last resort, spank to discipline their children. What often happens, according to Dr. Shure, is the child becomes immune to the yelling and spanking. She says that even in the heat of an argument parents can ask a simple question to their child to turn things around.

Changing the way you talk to your child will change how they react to you.


1. Why do you think your child is tuning you out?


2. What happens when you spank your child?


3. Is it possible your child lies (or other behavior) because they are afraid of being spanked?


4. Is it possible to think of a way to get them to stop lying so they will not want to lie rather than spanking? (Dr. Shure says to include your child as an active participant in the solution process, making the solution their, not yours.)


5. How do you think you'll feel when your child shares their own ideas and solutions?

That is a good point to this, indeed.
We as parents must be very patient and allow out chikdren to do their own mistakes, of course within reason.
And of course, yelling, spanking if common loses it's efficacy. It also teaches it's the way to deal with problems.

A good way to teach a child to think for himself if asking question like "how are we going to fix that..". "how are we going to solve that..", "... to change it .." etc.
Instead of handing over ready solution..

Fuzzy

Aw you're the only one who posted in this thread, Thank you for having the time to post something in here....You're so sweet!

Audiofuzzy said:

That is a good point to this, indeed.
We as parents must be very patient and allow out chikdren to do their own mistakes, of course within reason.
And of course, yelling, spanking if common loses it's efficacy. It also teaches it's the way to deal with problems.

A good way to teach a child to think for himself if asking question like "how are we going to fix that..". "how are we going to solve that..", "... to change it .." etc.
Instead of handing over ready solution..

Fuzzy

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Angel

I didn't see that post. Sorry, Angel that you were waiting for some people to post here...so here is what I say....yes this is what exactly Fuzzy said.

Momoftwo

Thank you MomOf2, It would be nice if someone say something , instead of just reading it and leave....It's like o-kay! I guess some don't find it too interesting... ...

1. Why do you think your child is tuning you out?
Child can advantage key is.. can't hear behind you back if you talk back... or do sumth'n stupid..

2. What happens when you spank your child?
I refused strike my child... *forget it*

3. Is it possible your child lies (or other behavior) because they are afraid of being spanked?
Can be yes... I've noticed another children.. but my children doesn't.. BUT.. can be threating me for stupid no reason.. Sometimes turn me upside down.. Geee.. I refused talk my child until smarten up... Child will come and apoglized me.. That much better. That simple... Important communcation key!


4. Is it possible to think of a way to get them to stop lying so they will not want to lie rather than spanking? (Dr. Shure says to include your child as an active participant in the solution process, making the solution their, not yours.)
Discussion first.. before wil come worst.. My children are several times lying to me.. Lose their privillages.. Their choice!

5. How do you think you'll feel when your child shares their own ideas and solutions?

I'd rather my own displince.. ain't going share this.. will come debate or critizite me.. err no thanks!
*peace*
Merry Christmas!

....Thank you GalaxyAngel....

Oh don't worry about anyone debate against you, afterall this is a parent forum, any parents and non parents are welcome

Afterall, I welcome any opinions!

Loss of privileges is a smart tactic, much smarter than spanking, in my opinion. With taking away privileges you can really make the punishment appropriate to the "crime" by teaching kids a simple, sensible rule: "If you abuse it, you lose it."

True, and my sons know that, once they break a rule, their fave thing will be taking away for a day or two as long as they follow rules

Thank you Rose

You're welcome...just bear in mind this is my childhood experience speaking, not that of someone who's raised a child yet.

I'd like to add that one time, our family stayed over at the house of someone that my parents are friends with...I was still so little at the time that I was put to bed in the room with that family's little boy. The boy was very chatty while I was trying to go to sleep, and his mother heard and warned him. When he still chatted, she came back with a wooden spoon and boy, when she started swatting that kid, I dove under the covers. I was TERRIFIED. To this day, I still do not like that woman and can't understand how my mom does. But I guess my mom was raised in a different time where that sort of thing was more common and acceptable. Personally I find it barbaric and don't see how it does anything but teach fear. Even I as a bystander was badly frightened...so I can kinda guess what it does to the mind of a child who's actually being beaten.

I found this website that Angel was talking about: www.thinkingchild.com I am curious about this book, so I will buy it sometime soon. I always try to find ways on raising my children the best I can by reading books and by my experience. Thanks Angel for telling us about Dr. Shure. I've never heard of her until now.

Oh thank you so much PL, I will save it in my fave, Me too I like to look up some web sites and even books to help me raise my children, not that I don't know how but sometimes it will help me learn how to control myself when I get upset at my children when my children misbehave, don't follow rules or listen...There's alot of ways you can punished your children without having to spank them....


Once again Thank you PL for replying and for the information as well too...

^Angel^ said:

Oh thank you so much PL, I will save it in my fave, Me too I like to look up some web sites and even books to help me raise my children, not that I don't know how but sometimes it will help me learn how to control myself when I get upset at my children when my children misbehave, don't follow rules or listen...There's alot of ways you can punished your children without having to spank them....


Once again Thank you PL for replying and for the information as well too...

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Do you sometimes feel the need to spend more time with Roadrunner at times than children ? I mean, like when you feel the need to be alone with him without stressin'/ pressurin' from your kids ?

Normally, I do not go in a thread about children because that really is not my area of expertise but speaking as an uncle, I am an uncle to many kids and will one day be a father and looking back on my childhood.... This is really an eye opener. I am thankful to be raised by strong Christian parents.

I didn't notice this thread until today... :Oops:

Good thread here - Yes, I already discussed about child discipline in other threads... This is very touchy issues but I'm really glad that you created a thread here and open mind to talk about children issues, ^Angel^

AMEN to AudiFuzzy's post...

Momoftwo I remember your posts at "mother & daughter" thread but you said different here.

Anyway here is my answer to this questions.

1. Why do you think your child is tuning you out?

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Because you don't want to listen your children's feeling or deny to give them chance to talk, just say one word "NO" without explanation, no show your respect but deny, yelling, nagging, threats etc.

2. What happens when you spank your child?

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It teach your children to be aggressive, volience, hurt/abuse to other people and also unsolve problems with people, too.

3. Is it possible your child lies (or other behavior) because they are afraid of being spanked?

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Yes it's not just spank but harsh punishment, humiliation, etc. that's how force the children to lie you - show no trust on you.

4. Is it possible to think of a way to get them to stop lying so they will not want to lie rather than spanking? (Dr. Shure says to include your child as an active participant in the solution process, making the solution their, not yours.)

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Use your form of discipline without punishment and spank. I notice some parents think spank belong to form of discipline which it's not true. The punishment & spank are for them is quick & easy, stop the behavior for a short time and make them less angry & tense but it doesn't solve anything but worst later...

Let your children know that you are there for them if they have problem or whatever... They need no fear to open to talk anything with you.

Your children trust you with their problem or make their mistakes and know that you won't punish or spank on them but listen their talk and then convince them what right or wrong. They will lost their trust on you and will tell lie to you if you punish them or spank them... The reason they do that because they are scared...

Solution issue with children are the important communicate...

5. How do you think you'll feel when your child shares their own ideas and solutions?

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I see no problem to let the children to share their ideas and solutions, suggestion etc with us... Discuss with them... Remember that every parents including me make the mistakes - of course the children, too. Nobody are prefect...
I listen my children's talk until I agree or disagree with them... I firm with them and explain why if I disagree with them. It's about respect. I respect my children as they do the same to us. Sometimes I give my children right or wrong... I say STOP and don't want to hear your repeat since I already explain you why before - please stick it... I warn them that I will be not happy if they tried to convince me again because they know exactly why I say no or disagree their suggestion period. I ignore their grumpy or remark...

The children need to have their parents to be good listen to their talk... I see no problem with that.

It's parent's job to focus children's feeling to find out why their misbehavior problem lead... and then sit and have a good talk with them...

It's bad if you keep change the rules, give in, etc... but stick your rules firm.


I have no problem with parents and non-parents to agree or disagree with my form of discipline on my children because I believe it's good for the parents and non-parents to collect their experience and learn from those debate with agree to disagree.

GalaxyAngel said:

. Important communcation key!

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Exactly

^Angel^ said:

True, and my sons know that, once they break a rule, their fave thing will be taking away for a day or two as long as they follow rules

Thank you Rose

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Yes, I do the same with my children if they disrespect my rule.

I ground them to not watch TV, computer games, PS2 games and gameboy.

(blushing) yikes Angel i don't know what to say, it's you who is nice!

I guess a lot of us got wrapped up in some other thread and forgot about everything else for a little while, lol sorry about that..

When I came to my senses and saw your post I thought wow that's an excellent question!
And I just remembered an ocassion when my father was observing my little then daughter doing some crafts, and he was constantly telling her what to do, and finally my daughter turned his back to him so she wouldn't have to look at him anymore (LOL) and also by this she partially obscured the working area.
That made my dad to finally shut up ('scuse me), and later on I observed that it's indeed hard to watch a struggling child,
but by giving him/her constant pointers and advices she wasn't using her own brain - she was having solutions handed on a plate.

What if there was nobody around to tell her what to do, and she was already used to it?

My father however was a perfectionist, and many times I had to tell him to GO watch TV! and stop bugging my daughter. I could see it was physically very hard for him to unglue his eyes from her, lol.. hence my mention about oodles of patience.. you need patience watching a child cutting a dime size piece of paper from the middle of fresh craft paper...

another thing that I observed while dealing with children is that almost always when they came to me asking for some solution,
while I was racking my brain to find one they actually came up with their own meantime!

lolol from then on I was procrastinating with solutions and it almost always worked isn't it better when they solve problems by themselves? it sure will come handy later in adult life..

I also am against spanking and physical discipline, I admit I lost my cool a few times and spanked my baby but it always made me feel awful after and never really worked - she was angry and resisting, not apologetic.
I had to calmly repeat my request over and over in a firm tone, that worked better. Lots of nerves with raising kids, yikes..



Fuzzy

1. Why do you think your child is tuning you out?

When my daughter was little it was mostly because children in general have selective hearing- meaning they hear what they want to hear.
When she got older it was also because when something interesting was happening elsewhere, it grabbed her attention.
and always tuning out happened when what I was saying was boring to her..

of course I tried and try to remind her it's not polite
not to listen when somebody is speaking. Well at least she listens to everybody else now, lol


Fuzzy

ps. sometimes children have just short attention span..

Audiofuzzy said:

(blushing) yikes Angel i don't know what to say, it's you who is nice!

I guess a lot of us got wrapped up in some other thread and forgot about everything else for a little while, lol sorry about that..

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true, I was too busy to worry about my 2 threads to neglect Angel's good thread... Liebling Angel...

What if there was nobody around to tell her what to do, and she was already used to it?

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Very true... It's parents who teach and show their child things what right or wrong.

I also am against spanking and physical discipline, I admit I lost my cool a few times and spanked my baby but it always made me feel awful after and never really worked - she was angry and resisting, not apologetic.
I had to calmly repeat my request over and over in a firm tone, that worked better. Lots of nerves with raising kids, yikes..
Fuzzy

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Yes, your description is an exactly same what my eldest son did to us.

I admitted that I spanked my eldest son in the past. I thought it is quick and easy to teach him to be behavior but I'm wrong. His behavior goes worst, disrespect, aggressive and wild... He yelled back to us and also adult, too... He hit other children at kindergarten. I realized it's my form of discipline's fault how to lead Danny misbehavior like this so I changed and improve my form of discipline with the tips from therapies, parental conference etc...

I can tell the difference on my 2 sons... I spanked eldest son and never spanked my 2nd son. My 2nd son's behavior is better than my eldest son. My 2nd son show no fear to tell us everything... It took us long years to improve my eldest son's behavior and win his trust. He is 12 years old now and has no problem to respect us. He has no problem to be good listen to us... He is able to tell me anything when he has problem... (not 100% - more improve then he can tell me anything...) It's not easy job to change and improve my eldest son with my form of discipline but patience with him is worth. I realized that counsellor, parental conference, therapies's tips are work great and less stress without spank, punishment & humiliation. It's less stress what I did with my children is communication than just say no no no no no then smack them but deal with my children with my serious and firm voice in calm way.


AudioFuzzy, may I ask you bit :topic: question?... Are you a single mother?