Your Child and The Bully

**Jiro** · 08-26-2010, 02:49 PM

How to Bully-Proof Young Girls

Quote:

Sugar and spice and everything nice. That's what little girls are made of, right? Well, not exactly, it seems. Bullying and nasty cliques start as early as elementary school, says Michelle Anthony, a developmental psychologist and the co-author of Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-Proof Girls in the Early Grades (St. Martin's Griffin). Anthony and her co-author, Reyna Lindert, have developed a helpful technique for parents to employ. In brief, they advise observing the social situation, connecting with the child and guiding the child to the point that she is supported in her actions. TIME senior reporter Andrea Sachs spoke with Anthony about their research and conclusions. (See pictures of teens in America.)

How did you get interested in this topic?
Our interest in this topic began personally as the mothers of young girls. My eldest daughter, when she was 6, was enmeshed in a two-year-long struggle with a friend. For the first year, I didn't even know about it, because she felt so alone and isolated that she didn't talk about it with anyone. She tried to get help from her teacher, who sort of told her to thicken her skin over it. She took that to heart as being her problem and really was silent for a while. Then it became apparent as it began influencing her life more and more. Dr. Lindert's daughter in fifth grade was ousted from her friendship circle in the middle of the year and basically had to start over socially. So our interests really began as mothers, and then knowing our background and our expertise, we began working with families and parents and girls. (See pictures of the college dorm's evolution.)

Is there a common misperception that this only happens when kids get older?
Exactly, that this is a problem that only comes to light in middle school and high school. The reality is that the roots are all in elementary school. Girls as young as kindergarten are facing significant social challenges without the resources, without the tools and most important, without the support to best manage them.

Is this type of bullying behavior common?
Oh, I think it's extremely common. I don't think there's a single school in this country where a good portion of girls aren't dealing with friendship struggles and various degrees of social cruelty. I think what's more uncommon is to have a language to talk about it. So many girls are facing these struggles alone. Either their parents say, "She'll be nicer tomorrow," or "Just find another friend," or "Don't play with someone who's mean." We're doing it from the best place, we're doing it to be helpful. But the problem is, for the girls themselves, it's isolating them further, because it's basically saying to them, "This is your problem to figure out by yourself." (Read "How Not to Raise a Bully: The Early Roots of Empathy.")

Among young kids, is bullying more common among girls or boys?
I think what we're talking about here — in terms of social cruelty and relational aggression — is more common among girls. Which is not to say that it doesn't happen with boys. But if you had to stereotype, girls more often use social power to have influence over their peers, and boys more often use physical intimidation to have power over their peers. Some people would argue that the physical blow from a boy bully might be more acute, might be more dramatic, might be more dangerous. But what research has shown is that girls' relational aggression tends to involve more people, and it tends to last longer, and in that way is just as devastating for the girls who experience it.

Do most daughters tell their parents that something is going on?
Sometimes. When it gets bad enough, they usually do. And if they don't, parents — especially parents who are taught to recognize shifts in their children — will begin to notice changes. More often than girls coming and saying, "I have this big problem," you'll see shifts in behavior. They'll stop liking things they used to like, or they'll start complaining about headaches or stomachaches more, or that they don't like [a particular] class, because that's where these things are happening. When girls come home, there are sort of codes that they use: "She was mean" — that's a very common phrase for a child to use — or, "My friend and I got in a fight."

Is it ever necessary to enlist the school's help?
Absolutely. In every case? Absolutely not. But I'm a very big advocate of parents not staying alone. Teachers, guidance counselors, principals, social workers — there are a slew of people in these school districts whose purpose is to help kids learn. And when kids are stuck in social strife, they can't learn. To face it alone doesn't make any sense. For parents, to reach out to get more knowledge and more support is so beneficial to their child. This isn't about tattling on some other child and saying, "This kid is mean." It's really about understanding the situation that your child is in. (See what can be done about bullying in school.)

Should you ever move your daughter out of the school?
That can happen if things are bad enough. But I think before that, there are a lot of steps. For instance, put the kids in separate classes.

Has the Internet made this worse?
Yes. That's one of the big things about the difference from when our generation was growing up. Meanness happened then too, but the sphere of influence was much smaller. The public and permanent nature of the acts today — because of social-networking sites, technology and the Internet — make it very real for these kids since everyone is involved. Whatever happens will last literally forever.

Do things get any better when the girls get older?
This behavior peaks around middle school and the very beginning of high school. It tends to decrease over high school, because the girls' friendships become more stabilized and they really learn how to interact and to support one another, and to have the kind of friendships that we think of as adult friendships.

**Jiro** · 08-26-2010, 02:53 PM

just came across this article. interesting read but sad. I'm curious... I've never really had a bully problem because I dealt with it myself and they left me alone after confrontation... along with detentions and parents coming to principal's office.

To ADers who are parents - is your child a victim of bullying? what did you do?

rockin'robin · 08-26-2010, 04:01 PM

My son had that problem last year, it escalated into a cafeteria fight. The other boy threw the first punch....(all over a hat).....Both were suspended for a week or so...but I went to see the Principal and got my son reinstated the next day.....Sure, my son could have just told the teacher or someone about it before fighting back. But, in my way of thinking, I'm glad he took care of the situation the way he did. The other boy was bigger and the "school bully"....
It gave my son an "air of confidence" about himself. That was middle school....now he's into High School, so gonna see how this works out this year.....I don't believe in intervening between 2 people, especially boys that can't settle their differences. Most times, kids can work it out themselves.

rharryh · 08-26-2010, 04:39 PM

I have 25 years in deaf ed and a master in counseling deaf children. When I dealt with this issue of bullies I often found the administrators were freq. enablers because they did not want to face the bully's parents themselves.....Children in homes that experience bullies in their own family will adopt this behavior themselves hence it is often learned.

It is important for parents to stay alert to the moods of their children and if they see something out of the norm it would be wise to sit down with your child and discuss issues they are experiencing. I would also encourage the parents to visit with the teacher and the principal to discuss concerns. But don't stop there....Follow up with a letter to both staff to be sure they are understand your concerns. This starts a paper trail which your going to need if it is found someone is bullying your child.....

Of course encouraging your child to see a counselor would be great.

**TXgolfer** · 08-26-2010, 05:20 PM

kokonut · 08-26-2010, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rharryh

I have 25 years in deaf ed and a master in counseling deaf children. When I dealt with this issue of bullies I often found the administrators were freq. enablers because they did not want to face the bully's parents themselves.....Children in homes that experience bullies in their own family will adopt this behavior themselves hence it is often learned.

It is important for parents to stay alert to the moods of their children and if they see something out of the norm it would be wise to sit down with your child and discuss issues they are experiencing. I would also encourage the parents to visit with the teacher and the principal to discuss concerns. But don't stop there....Follow up with a letter to both staff to be sure they are understand your concerns. This starts a paper trail which your going to need if it is found someone is bullying your child.....

Of course encouraging your child to see a counselor would be great.

Kokonut Pundit: Deaf Residential Schools and Other Dirty Little Secrets - Part I

**Oddball** · 08-26-2010, 09:24 PM

I know someone's son who had dealt with a bully who harassed him at a school. His mother fed up, called and warned school if they don't kick that bully out, then she will file a restraining order against him. If it happens, then bully can not go there while son attends that school. Eventually, school principal got a serious thinking, then finally gave a bully boot at all. From what I was told that same bully got kicked out from other schools afterwards, then went to jail for some crimes. Now, he is out and has not attended a school ever since.

True story...I am not kidding.

Adamsmomma · 08-31-2010, 10:01 AM

I'm on the other end of this struggle-- my TINY son, who is considerably smaller than most of his peers-- tends to seek out the weakest in the herd and torments them (pushes, wrestles w/out their consent etc)... usually when his sensory processing is out of whack... he doesn't seem to mean it maliciously but it happens all the same and it concerns me that due to his size he'll continue to try to prove himself and end up getting in serious trouble as he gets older...

On the other hand I'd rather he be able to stand up for himself-- I don't want his size and 'disabilities' to define him either way...

I just know it's going to be INTERESTING as he grows up... he thinks he's a Rottweiler and doesn't realize he's just a Mini-Pincher...

deafgal001 · 08-31-2010, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oddball

I know someone's son who had dealt with a bully who harassed him at a school. His mother fed up, called and warned school if they don't kick that bully out, then she will file a restraining order against him. If it happens, then bully can not go there while son attends that school. Eventually, school principal got a serious thinking, then finally gave a bully boot at all. From what I was told that same bully got kicked out from other schools afterwards, then went to jail for some crimes. Now, he is out and has not attended a school ever since.

True story...I am not kidding.

That's sad, The bully himself needed help and he probably didn't get one which is why he ended up in jail. I think the bully probably just gave up and quit caring about people. He was probably was hurting deep inside and took it on others. And just to have him being kicked out of one school after another, I can imagine the rejection he was feeling.

katz4life · 08-31-2010, 05:16 PM

I just started watching MTV channel "If You Really Knew Me"..it sounds good to watch the educational program even though most of the other tv shows/reality shows on MTV are suck royally.

**shel90** · 08-31-2010, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rharryh

I have 25 years in deaf ed and a master in counseling deaf children. When I dealt with this issue of bullies I often found the administrators were freq. enablers because they did not want to face the bully's parents themselves.....Children in homes that experience bullies in their own family will adopt this behavior themselves hence it is often learned.

It is important for parents to stay alert to the moods of their children and if they see something out of the norm it would be wise to sit down with your child and discuss issues they are experiencing. I would also encourage the parents to visit with the teacher and the principal to discuss concerns. But don't stop there....Follow up with a letter to both staff to be sure they are understand your concerns. This starts a paper trail which your going to need if it is found someone is bullying your child.....

Of course encouraging your child to see a counselor would be great.

We have adopted an anti-bullying campaign. It takes a team to address the problem. A lot of time talking and educating the children when they are very young.

I was bullied constantly in middle school. I know what it is like and no child should have to experience it. It is all about power control.

Berry · 09-05-2010, 11:18 PM

Can't say for girls, never having been one myself, but for boys, usually it was the teachers who decided who would be bullied -- In my case when a teacher would start harassing me for being left handed. The kids never cared until some teacher would point it out to the class.

In the case of my friend who was a KODA, it was a teacher who kept it in front of the class that his parents were "deaf and dumb."

The teacher never seemed to notice, even in the middle of class, when a bully would be pushing you backward using his chest, but the minute you pushed back, even mildly, it was noted and punished quickly -- While the bully stood smiling at you.

And if the bully happened to be on the foot ball team .... He was one of the Gods and you should be glad to lick his spittle off your chin.

So I have to wonder, how much of a part do teachers play in the bullying of girls?

08-26-2010, 02:53 PM	#2 (permalink)
Jiro Aparecium Deletrius Legil Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: The Soprano State Posts: 60,540	just came across this article. interesting read but sad. I'm curious... I've never really had a bully problem because I dealt with it myself and they left me alone after confrontation... along with detentions and parents coming to principal's office. To ADers who are parents - is your child a victim of bullying? what did you do? __________________ - Don't forget to buy Jiro's Special Edition Sunglasses for $19.95

08-26-2010, 05:20 PM	#5 (permalink)
TXgolfer Dream Weaver Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Everywhere Posts: 17,656	__________________ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. - Romans 12:21 Sometimes at night, I see their faces. I feel the traces they've left on my soul

08-31-2010, 10:01 AM	#8 (permalink)
Adamsmomma Registered User Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Kentucky Posts: 1,121	I'm on the other end of this struggle-- my TINY son, who is considerably smaller than most of his peers-- tends to seek out the weakest in the herd and torments them (pushes, wrestles w/out their consent etc)... usually when his sensory processing is out of whack... he doesn't seem to mean it maliciously but it happens all the same and it concerns me that due to his size he'll continue to try to prove himself and end up getting in serious trouble as he gets older... On the other hand I'd rather he be able to stand up for himself-- I don't want his size and 'disabilities' to define him either way... I just know it's going to be INTERESTING as he grows up... he thinks he's a Rottweiler and doesn't realize he's just a Mini-Pincher... __________________ Proud Momma to a toddler who apparently has a unilateral profound hearing loss?!?! He's quickly learning to sign and talk more each day-- we're starting on a new journey of learning ASL together-- this is going to be a fun ride!!! -- cheesing for the camera-- as always

09-05-2010, 11:18 PM	#12 (permalink)
Berry Registered User Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Oroville, Ca. Posts: 2,024	Can't say for girls, never having been one myself, but for boys, usually it was the teachers who decided who would be bullied -- In my case when a teacher would start harassing me for being left handed. The kids never cared until some teacher would point it out to the class. In the case of my friend who was a KODA, it was a teacher who kept it in front of the class that his parents were "deaf and dumb." The teacher never seemed to notice, even in the middle of class, when a bully would be pushing you backward using his chest, but the minute you pushed back, even mildly, it was noted and punished quickly -- While the bully stood smiling at you. And if the bully happened to be on the foot ball team .... He was one of the Gods and you should be glad to lick his spittle off your chin. So I have to wonder, how much of a part do teachers play in the bullying of girls? __________________ Free Jillio! Living life in the sandbox.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

Today
Deafness	Sponsored Links __________________ This advertising will not be shown in this way to registered members. Register your free account today and become a member on AllDeaf.com

08-26-2010, 04:01 PM	#3 (permalink)
rockin'robin Registered User Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Florida Posts: 15,304	My son had that problem last year, it escalated into a cafeteria fight. The other boy threw the first punch....(all over a hat).....Both were suspended for a week or so...but I went to see the Principal and got my son reinstated the next day.....Sure, my son could have just told the teacher or someone about it before fighting back. But, in my way of thinking, I'm glad he took care of the situation the way he did. The other boy was bigger and the "school bully".... It gave my son an "air of confidence" about himself. That was middle school....now he's into High School, so gonna see how this works out this year.....I don't believe in intervening between 2 people, especially boys that can't settle their differences. Most times, kids can work it out themselves.

08-26-2010, 04:39 PM	#4 (permalink)
rharryh Registered User Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Arizona/Washington State Posts: 8	I have 25 years in deaf ed and a master in counseling deaf children. When I dealt with this issue of bullies I often found the administrators were freq. enablers because they did not want to face the bully's parents themselves.....Children in homes that experience bullies in their own family will adopt this behavior themselves hence it is often learned. It is important for parents to stay alert to the moods of their children and if they see something out of the norm it would be wise to sit down with your child and discuss issues they are experiencing. I would also encourage the parents to visit with the teacher and the principal to discuss concerns. But don't stop there....Follow up with a letter to both staff to be sure they are understand your concerns. This starts a paper trail which your going to need if it is found someone is bullying your child..... Of course encouraging your child to see a counselor would be great.

08-26-2010, 09:24 PM	#7 (permalink)
Oddball Premium Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: The Toxic State Posts: 4,570	I know someone's son who had dealt with a bully who harassed him at a school. His mother fed up, called and warned school if they don't kick that bully out, then she will file a restraining order against him. If it happens, then bully can not go there while son attends that school. Eventually, school principal got a serious thinking, then finally gave a bully boot at all. From what I was told that same bully got kicked out from other schools afterwards, then went to jail for some crimes. Now, he is out and has not attended a school ever since. True story...I am not kidding.

08-31-2010, 05:16 PM	#10 (permalink)
katz4life Registered User Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Queen City Posts: 1,378	I just started watching MTV channel "If You Really Knew Me"..it sounds good to watch the educational program even though most of the other tv shows/reality shows on MTV are suck royally.