DGirl101

In a world where spanking is frowned upon, what do you (or did you do) to discipline your children?

How did you get them to understand your rules and stand by them?

What type of disciplinarian are you? See below for the types of parenting.

Authoritive- Parents who balance out control and warmth to children while disciplining. Explains rules and encourages discussion with children, allowing the children to feel that they are being heard.

Authoritarian- Parents who takes high control and low warmth approach. I.E. It's my way or the highway.

Permissive- Offers warmth and caring, but offers little control. I.E. Teen wants to go to a concert. The concert will be filled with vulgar songs, nudity, drunk people and drugs. Parents allow teen to go.

Uninvolved- Gives neither warmth or control, basically physically and emotionally detached from children. I.E. As with the case of the teen going to the concert, this time he/she does not ask because parents don't care or would not be bothered with it. (I doubt parents like these will respond to this thread)

I am making this thread for the sole purpose of helping other parents out with ideas for discipline. Using the Authoritarian Parenting Method oftentimes does not work well. The children sometimes come out of that kind of disciplining with feelings of anger, hurt or feeling unworthy, and last but not least, fear.

Did your type of disciplining work with your children? If so, how did you implement it?

Deafness

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VamPyroX

I don't have kids, but I will say what I've observed.

Those with uninvolved parents or parents who are authoritarians end up with kids that get messed up. I know a few people who had parents that were authoritarians. It was either their way or the highway. This made the children confused with what was right or wrong. Instead of the parents keeping an open mind, the children was raised strictly by their parents rules and ended up acting the same as they got older.

I think it would be rare for authoritarians to be good depending on what's taught, but I haven't seen anything good from this approach yet.

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rockin'robin

When they were small, a smack on the hand or a smack on the rear usually means "NO"!....When they became teenagers, that's where the hard part begins....having rules in ur home is imperative, as I have mine, and expect them to be followed. Grounding, taking away what they enjoy for a few days, has worked for me.....if it's something really serious, then it's a month of being grounded, no phone, computer, games, etc., and only 1 hour of TV...I expect them to read, help me around the house, give them chores that I usually do myself...and teach them the proper way they are to be done. So they do get a "learning experience" from that also.....

I've also made a mandatory rule in my home..."Never lie or steal from me."....Consequences follow more harshly if they are broken.

Of course, my boys "think" that I'm too strict and harsh at times. But I've not had any serious problems with them. And being a single parent of 3 boys, it's not easy, especially when they are hearing and I'm deaf.

My 16 yr. old has recently become "more vocal" with his opinions.....and does argue with me at times....so "patience"...."prayer"...and hoping for the best is all I can do.

I do expect a "yes mamm, no mamm"...and never calling adults by their first names...Only Mr. or Ms. ....taking their hats off at the dinner table, washing their hands often...so it's basically a vocal repeat and repeat.....

We also always never fail to give thanks before each meal....

My old-fashioned ideals still work....but whether or not my teachings will follow them into adulthood...is yet to be seen....I know some of them will, some not.....And they always call me if they spend the night out with a friend. That rule is mandatory, they must call to let me know everything is OK and what time they will be home.

You can't demand respect from ur children, we have to earn it also....and when my 13 yr. old told a friend of mine, that I was very strict, but he respected me.....I was thrilled!....Hugs and a kiss on the cheek is very common around my home, and giving individual attention is very important also.

Adamsmomma

Right now-- since Adam is small-- I try to get him to 'refocus' or to distract him from the source of his 'behavior issue'... I'm also learning his limits, this helps a LOT. I'm learning his signs of when he's had enough of a situation and I remove us from that situation before it becomes an issue.

If something is dangerous to him or someone else-- he does get his little bottom popped but w/him at times that will turn into a "you hit me, I'm going to hit you" scenerio which then needs even MORE discipline... (he's got serious sensory issues that the 'popping on the butt' feels fun to him-- so I try to avoid it if I can)

Time out works effectively as does 'active ignoring' that we've learned thru the "parent child interaction therapy' we attend...

Yelling at him, doesn't work... he just laughs and goes on... Gosh I'm going to have my hands full when he gets bigger!!!! I dont even want to THINK about when he's older...

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KristinaB

I was more Authorative in the way my kids were handled. We also used the Love and Logic approach. Love and Logic - Helping Parents and Teachers Raise Responsible Kids

Still, I had my struggles. I have a daughter with learning issues and half the time she doesn't or didn't understand. I have a son who has always been headstrong and everything had to be answered with "Why?". Why do I only have those 2 choices? Why can't the dishes go this way? Why can't I use the conditioner before the shampoo? Why is the church so far away? Why, Why Why? Now he is very inquisitive and wants to know how it works. At 15 he is big on destruction and finding out the how's and why's for himself.

rockin'robin

I went thru the "why's??" also!....HAHA....For a while, I would respond to "why".....after awhile, I realized they were just "taxing my patience"!....

Now, they are older, and the "why's" have stopped because if I get an answer of "why"....I respond...."Just becuz I said so!"....

Gone thru the "it's unfair!" too.... the "I don't care!"....

So, with tongue in cheek...I've also responded..."tough!"...We as parents have to be ahead of their game!....

jillio

Authoritative parenting has been shown, through research over the years in developmental psychology, to be the best possible parenting strategy.

As Vampy said, authoitarian parenting causes all kinds of problems with behavior and is the least effective.

DDU

This is exactly the reason I decided I never wanted children of my own. I grew up getting strapped with belts by my father with pants down until the butt was cherry red. Mother used a "pimp" stick- a hanger which could really hurt.
I lived in dread of doing the same to any kid I would have had. So I would be against physical punishment in most forms

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Jiro

authoritative type. that's how my parents are. so will I.

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KristinaB

DDU- My father always used the razor strop and mother used yardsticks, 3 taped together to make it thicker. I had said I would never have any kids at all, but I had 3, and now have 2 in my care. First was given to his father's family to raise as I was too young to handle. Never should have gotten preggy at 16. He is 30 now and as far as I know, he's still in the Navy. Wanted to be a career Navy man.

My oldest brother was a live and let live type of parent. The kids had almost no discipline. They are paying for it now.

Other brother was very Authoritarian and his kids hate him with a passion.

I at least have 2 teens who tell me most anything and are very loving and caring. They try to help and are very protective of each other and towards me. Guess that shows me that I did something right.

Jiro

what's razor strop?

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whatdidyousay!

it the think that use use to sharpen the razor , it look like a belt.

Jiro

oh that thing. yike......

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KristinaB

Exactly! It hurt too.

Razor strop - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

ncff07

yes it hurt VERY VERY much! so does switches and wide leather work belts and flyswatters too!

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DDU

I always looked back on it as how society accepted corporal punishment. These days what our parents did would have them put in jail.
I do have anger issues from that which is why I wouldn't want kids. No way of knowing if I was too warped from the experience. My 2 sisters and 2 brothers had no problem, but then I was the one to get the belt the most often.

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Adamsmomma

my mom had a belt w/her name burned into it (my gma got it for her) I swear I had her name spelled backwards on my butt until I was 13-14... and I STILL hate flyswaters, and those paddle ball things... when we'd get those at school for prizes... I'd hide it b/c mom would snip the ball off and use the paddle as my 'swatter'... and a wooden spoon w/the hole in the middle of it... OMG that sucker would sting!!!!

I refuse to use anything more than my hand on Adam's tush b/c of the thigns my mom used on me... but like I've said he actually 'likes' getting spanked 2 out of 3 times due to his sensory issues so-- we have to find other ways to discipline him...

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posts from hell

My parents let me do whatever I wanted. Hence my experience with various types of bombs. Google Earth still shows a hole where I set a bomb off more than 10 years ago.

How I parent my kid is very simple and has been very very effective. I strongly believe it depends on the child their selves. My daughter has been super easy to this point.

I don't want to tell my daughter "no" but I will offer her "do this and that will happen, or do that and this will happen."

She usually takes the smart way out.

katz4life

My parents had sorta mixture of Authoritive and Authoritarian while I was growing up. There was numbers of face slapped, hair pulled, and butt-belted. I believe most of the things they did done was appriorate way of disclipline. I learned how to respect them and it was not too hard to do that during my rebellious teenagehood. Today, I came out just allright and I still contact and visit them regularly. I have 4 siblings..they are pretty allright and good except my younger sister. That two of things my parents shouldn't have overlooked: her sneakness, and her sex life (started too young and ruthless) promicious behavior. I seem to know her naughty secret life than the rest of my family. Sad.

On a serious note, ever if I'm a parent in the future, I would be tripled strict than my parents ever had been and make sure the child stays in the outside of the world as best as possible. It means a lot of blocked bad tv channels, educational books, teaching moral values and conscience early, no computer at home, watchful eye of her/his moves, no boyfriend/girlfriend until they are old enough (over 18), of course to make sure they don't get a "serial" of bfs/gfs, and who her "friends" are, dress codes, and etc. Soft discipline won't work in many ways

libby

This is a pretty good article on how to disciplie your child How to discipline your child - tips and advice But really, every kid is different, and every child is different. What may work for one person may not work for the next. I found that it was a case of trial and error with my two little devils.

nyyankees154

I think my wife and I are probably a combo of all of then but uninvolved. We try to give warmth every time and explain. There are times we tell them it that way or nothing at all. We also try do both at the same time. It just depends what they did wrong.

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TXgolfer

Excellent technique......similar to the way I raised mine.

I got totally lucky though....mine never did anything bad except for cussing a ref when she was 5. They still talk about her at the YMCA....

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ProudMommy89

I love this. I really want to implement this when my son is older.
Unfortunately, my 13 month is is going though these tantrums lately. It wasn't so bad at first, I basically knew what he wanted so he would calm down right away, there was always a reason before. But now...... Yesterday, my son and I were at the grandparents and my son just started going nuts out of nowhere. He did not want to sit and play with his toys so I tried taking a walk with him (he hasn't mastered it just yet, so i hold his hands and we go together), that was not it. He threw himself, or tried to, on the floor. I was horrified! Checked his diaper, gave him juice, tried a cookie, milk, held him, got out some different toys....nothing worked. When he pulls this at home, I put him to bed for time out. I'm a patient woman but at some point I think he needs to sit down and chill. I check on him after and once he has calmed down, I'll pick him up again. At his grandmother's there is no crib so it was a lot more difficult to satisfy him. He wasn't tired he had just woke up from a 2 hour nap...

He hasn't mastered any signs so communication between us is based on face expressions which works well, when he wants to get something across...most of the time. He's a good boy most of the time. This literally just started happening about two weeks ago. I'm a bit flustered.

Is this a new stage? Should I give him a light spanking on his rump? I've only ever lightly smacked his hand when he tried to smack after being kissed. He dislikes kisses. -__- Any advice.

deafgal001

Ignore it. It's common for them to throw a fit like that. This is a good opportunity to show him sign language on how he feels though.
Or have a time out spot for him-have him stay there for a minute.

You know what,if you have been feeling stress,your baby can sense it. So maybe you need some" me" time.

ProudMommy89

As for the sign, he's not really picking it up well. Granted I started two months ago, but I'm not getting much. I still use them. Edmund are you....tired, hungry, thirsty and so on...

Time-out spot is usually the crib. He scoots everywhere since he's decided to skip the crawling stage...I was looking forward to it too! I've tried time-out out of the crib at the grandmothers yesterday and he threw himself back. I'd let him cry it out but grandma won't let him. Even when I insist...At least pap pap agreed with me. (the grandpa)

deafgal001

One rule I have is never use a room or spot that is for sleeping for displine. I'm afraid they will fight sleep. Playpen is better. I agree too.let him cry itout.

jillio

No, don't spank him. Ignore it. As long as he gets a response he will continue to throw tantrums. And I agree with deafgal. Once he has calmed down, you can begin to show him signs for his emotions, such as angry. If he has the signs or words, that he needs to communicate feelings he will not need to throw a tantrum to communicate.

ProudMommy89

Alright then, I'll try that. Thankfully I DO have a playpen. So I'll try putting him in there.

Dixie

I am probably some combination of Authoritarian and Authoritative. Yes there are some days I'm probably more on edge and it's just where anything and everything can annoy me. Other days I am just like OK, I want you to behave and if you don't this will happen.

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jillio

That makes an excellent time out area. Make sure you put a cuddly toy in with him, or a favorite blanket, so he can learn to comfort himself when he is upset.