Maria

My mother's self-esteem

When she remarried to my step-father ( Israel ), she gave birth of 2 beautiful daughters to him. They were married for over 20 years until my mother divorced him in 1986.
Israel and my other 2 siblin' came to visit me in that followin' year when I lived in East Wenatchee, WA to tell me about what happened. I was shocked to hear about their divorce. I was only 26 years old when that happened.

From what Israel told me about my mother - she choses to divorce him, because she wanted to go out and have a good time ( dance ). Israel wanted to settle down and spend quality time with his family - his own children. They both were in their 40's.

My mother and I are not very close. I was my biological father's girl ( Daddy's girl ). He died in 1990's due to pneumonia and PLUS heavy smokin'. I miss him soo much but, I am very grateful that I got a chance to see him after 25 years later right before he died. Long story.... will tell about it later.

Israel told my siblings about my experience when he first came in the kitchen. I was 18 years old at that time and still in high school. He explained to my siblings that I saw my mother's "black" soul in her. I was terrified. I covered my face with my hands when I turned my head away from her. Her soul was exposed very clear as crystal. God opened my eyes to see it. My siblings asked me questions about it and I told them that it was true. They were silent and said nuthin'. Just surprised and speechless, because they haven't experienced God themselves to see things.
That's God's Answer to Israel's prayer when I told him about it.

My mother is still in dark today. I never heard her talkin' about Jesus in my life, except Israel. Israel and I talked about God - only small talks. He prayed for me and my siblings for years, hopin' that one day either one of us siblin' will find Jesus. I found Jesus - my other siblings haven't found Him yet.

Self-esteem is very dangerous - you see, my mother wants this world - not Jesus. Her soul was in black - dark pitch black like this ---> BLACK.
It scared me, because I couldn't find her ANYWHERE in her soul at the same time I knew she was there in front of me. My talk was FREEZE so were my thoughts. Stutterin'... S-t-u-t-t-e-r-i-n'.

She wanted divorce. She wanted everythin' in HER own way without thinkin' of the family. If, she accepts Jesus in HER heart, she will be a different person for sure. She will be more lovin', sweet, kindness, keepin' in touch often, and all the goods. But, no - she don't have all that in HER heart, no Jesus. It was why I cried for her after I was shocked seein' her soul like this. I only have ONE mother.

This world is very UN-forgivin' world. It's why this world need Jesus. Jesus is Forgiver. This world is sick and need medication to get well. Jesus is the medication. This world needs love. Jesus is LOVE.

Lieblin' .........

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Deafness

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Momoftwo

Hi CyberRed

Wow!! This is a VERY powerful one!! I'm speechless!! Thank you so much for sharing your very personal experiences with us all. Jesus NEEDS you to educate others about self-esteem. No wonder that you really UNDERSTOOD what self-esteem really means. I got it!! Jesus knows that you tried to help people in this message board to understand what self-esteem really means. Christ-esteem is the right word. You are an inspirational (spell?).

I know how much it really hurts you about your mother. I'll pray for your mother to find Jesus real soon!!

Thanks again so much for your powerful experiences!!!!!

Warm Regards,
Momoftwo

Audiofuzzy

>>>From what Israel told me about my mother - she choses to divorce him, because she wanted to go out and have a good time ( dance ). <<>


Excuse me, byt what's wrong with liking to go out and dance? and what does it have to do with self- esteem?
(nothing).

why forcing someone to stay home all the time and pray is a good thing?

Fuzzy

Maria

Ok, for example : What would you say if your mother wear a bathin' suit that reveals her bare hips at the age of 50 ? How about showin' her butt when wearin' a thong ? Hmm ?

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Audiofuzzy

>>>I got it!! Jesus knows that you tried to help people in this message board to understand what self-esteem really means. Christ-esteem is the right word.<<<


I am not sure if BOTH of you are getting what is self -esteem.
Self esteem is simply like type of measurement.
MEASUREMENT. Of how we feel about ourselves, what we think we are worth in our own eyes:

~ a feeling of self-respect and personal worth
~ Self-Esteem could be defined as: What our unconscious believes to be true about how worthy, lovable, valuable and capable we are.

(we ARE! not how we do to others!)

~ a self- respect - a proper respect for oneself as a human being

I don't know how to explain it better....


But self -esteem is not being religious and following in Jesus' steps, nor is accepting him a self esteem..

In your own link CR it says:

""My answer is that good self-esteem is proper for the Christian, and that, in fact, it is necessary that the Christian have a high self-esteem. ""

I am afraid you keep confusing simple lingustic defintions with being spiritual.

Fuzzy

Audiofuzzy

>>>Ok, for example : What would you say if your mother wear a bathin' suit that reveals her bare hips at the age of 50 ? How about showin' her butt when wearin' a thong ? Hmm ? <<<<

you gotta be kidding me!!!!!
is that what is imprtant to you as a Christian?? girl they are people dying of hunger all over the world, even at your own street I am sure someone is hungry.
And you care about silly flabs of flesh of silly old goat??

sheesh.

Fuzzy

ps I would tell her the truth- sorry, you look sad and pathetic (unless she really look good )

Maria

Honey,

Remember, every person's perspective is different. I see different from other's. Can't change that. *chuckles* Every person is unique !

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Maria

No, I am not kiddin' you. I would go for the hungry people, because I feel sorry for them - but for someone who wears like that as I've just mentioned earlier.. Gee - it embarrased /humiliated me and I couldn't come forward to hang around her. The feelin' is bein' drawn away from that comparin' to the hungry people is a BIG different. I can't help it, but that is what I feel.

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Audiofuzzy

Gee - it embarrased /humiliated me and I couldn't come forward to hang around her.

Well, maybe you have low self esteem and you don't have enough faith in yourself to stand next to a "questionable" person and be assured of your own worth.

>>>From what Israel told me about my mother - she choses to divorce him, because she wanted to go out and have a good time ( dance ). Israel wanted to settle down and spend quality time with his family - his own children.<<<

Have you heard your mother's side, directly from your mother?

And I am sorry, but if this is how Israel is telling this story I don't buy it, he is painting himself a saint and your mother as a... a questionable character, to say the least. That is suspicious in itself, not very well reflecting on Israel intentions.

Excuse me but I happen to be in late 40 almost 50ties and would I like to go out and dance, If I wished to wear a thong and two piece revealing bathing suit, it's MY BUSINESS.
Who is anybody who dares to judge me by the way I am dressed?

Wasn't it Christ who said "he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone" or something to that matter.

And word of advice - see past the cover. You don't judge a book by it's cover nor should you people, either.

Besides, form what Israel says it's clear to me your mother could have been simply vivacious, energetic person who loved people and life and she simply wanted to go out and have fun.
perhaps she wanted to share this fun with her husband unfortunately Israel was a hopeless bore who liked just but to sit on his butt and read the Bible 24/7 not paying any attention to his wife's needs..

Remember this, Cyber Red- there is ALWAYS two sides to the story.
A woman will NOT let go of a GOOD man.
(nor will man let go of GOOD woman, for that matter)

They could simply happned to be a bad match, a domestic man and an outgoing woman.

I think I would too be bored to death and feel lonely and neglected with a man who would constantly preach to me about Jesus and wanted me to stay me home with no life of my own. What about MY needs?, whatever they could be?



As for your mother wearing revealing clothes there could be a few explanations. The most obvious that come to mind-
1. this is her desperate way to grab an attention to her, which indicates she may be feeling unloved, negected and doesn't not know how else to say " Look at me, I'm here!"

2. she has high self-esteem and she is confident enough not to worry what people think about her.

And now, I am asking you CR what or how would you feel if Mother Theresa was wearing such clothes in her free time as your mom, or what if John Paul II was wearing studded leather and a nose ring? and they would be exactly the same people morally and socially as they were.

once again:
>>Gee - it embarrased /humiliated me and I couldn't come forward to hang around her. <<

gee, I would be sad and devastated to have daughter who was emabarrased of her own mother. If my own mother was like that I would protect her from everyone, and would fight nail and tooth to keep her safe and feeling loved.

Fuzzy

Maria

Very interestin' to see how you think these things this way. I grew up livin' with them and I know my parents VERY WELL.

Since you judge my stepfather over my mother - it's best to close this discussion, because you THINK that I have low self esteem. My life is good. I have my own home that I remodel. My mind is carefree without worryin' about things. I just enjoy my life around here. I have my own 2 dogs -- that I really enjoy playin' with them outside. I have good Christian friends. I just got home from Pampered Chef party - I had a good time with my friends. I have no problem. Just be myself. It doesn't mean that I have HIGH self esteem, either - in despite of what it means to you.

I still love my parents very much in despite of our difference.

Thank you for discussin' this with me. I am sorry that our perspective/POV/opinions are different, but it is good to know each other anyways.

By the way, are you a female ?

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Cheri

to be quite honest, I had a low self-esteem when growing up, not because I was losing my hearing. I was more disappointing in my own mother who wanted to give us up for adoption ever since she found out that my sister and I were losing our hearing at the age of five. My mother wanted you could say perfect children, when she found out that we were losing our hearing since growing up, she didn't want anything to do with the two of us, she beat us every chance she gets to the point of enjoying it. My father left her when we were the age of 14, I was more corner where I was going to live, I wasn't allow to +make a choice who I could live with because my mother did not want us in court to choose, So she told the court we couldn't speak, we were deaf and dumb. The only reason my mother wanted us to live with her so she could collect child support,


After the divorce was final, More nightmare from my mother beaten us right and left and there was nobody that could help us get out of the situation. We even report to the school counselor that our mother's beating onto us, Of course child service came to our house, but they believe my mother side over us. Again back to where we were at from the begin. It never got better until the age of 18, free to leave that unstable home.


It took me a long time to get my life together, My dad was the only one who never left my side, because he tried so hard to get us out of there, but nobody in the higher department wants to step in and get us out. We didn't have much choice in the old days like what people have right now, they have a choice because there is a law that protect children who are in a situation like ours. I'm glad that I fought my way through hard times, and develope my self-esteem, It was a big turn-around. Some people out there in my situation wouldn't make it like I did, Some would take drugs, lead a bad life, etc. I didn't do those things because, I didn't want my mother to take what inside of me, she could hurt me all she wants but she would never take my heart and my self-esteem.

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Liebling:-)))

wow, interesting thread here... I´ll back for answer my posts here to answer some of your posts... I appreciate very much to see back topic posts here...

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*sniffing you*

Audiofuzzy

I have my own home that I remodel. My mind is carefree without worryin' about things. I just enjoy my life around here. I have my own 2 dogs -- that I really enjoy playin' with them outside.

I am happy for you, and congratulate you your succeses sincerely

Just so you know,
One can have millions of $$$$ a few houses all over the world, be surrounded with people all the time but one still can have low self-esteem.

Besides I am not saying you sure have low self esteem, I don't know you well enough to say that I only suggested it.

I just told you my point of view, how I view things based on what you have told me, and who says my view can not be right, and yours wrong, even with me not living with your parents.
Sure, I have no way of knowing what the truth is - I would have to know the whole story from both sides, know your parents, talk to them and only then I would say something for sure.

Maybe your mother indeed wasn't a good mother and/or wife, I don't know, my point is you can't say somebody is a bad person just because she likes to go out and dance or wears unapropriate clothes at her age.
Those are, in general, petty things.

Sorry for uspetting you.

Fuzzy

ps I was going to ask you if you don't mind me telling what was that black thing your mother did to you but I guess you are finished with me.. ??

Audiofuzzy

I didn't do those things because, I didn't want my mother to take what inside of me, she could hurt me all she wants but she would never take my heart and my self-esteem.

I am very sorry for what you have to go thru, Cheri. That was horrible what your mother did.
I am glad you were able to still value yourself so much as to not to break under pressure, and go into drugs etc like you said.
You are special, girl.
Hugs,

Fuzzy

Maria

Honestly, there's no offense. You are doin' fine. Of course, you didn't upset me - to be candid. It's just that I will talk about this later since my mind was soo tired from last night from doin' many things that I was doin' ( went to Pampered Chef, discuss ( plans ) about church, take my dogs out for a walk, work around on this house a little bit, and so forth. I went to bed early to shut my mind from over thinkin'. I just need sleep for rest.
It's not you - it's me and for that, I apologized. I think I work too hard on myself and I need to take a break.

About the black thing IN my mother's soul, let me try to find a pic of that elsewhere to show you what it looks like. Ok ? Will get back to you when I find it.

You are doin' well - don't worry about me. Just go ahead and have a pleasant conversation with others. I will be ok.

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Maria

Ok, I am back. I would like to explain example, experience and what I see. Try to get in my shoes to understand this picture. Ok ?
I found only one good picture and I created other one by duplicatin' it. One is light and the other one is dark. You could say that if, a room is too dark without switchin' the light on to see where you are goin' -- and you will stumble to hurt yourself in the dark room, right ? It's like sayin', " Where are you ? " while walkin' in the dark room - or say, "Where's the switch to turn the light on ? " while feelin' it on the wall with your hand. There's always a question from the dark. There's never an answer - because, you can't see it.
And, for the light -- You could see it where you are goin' without stumblin' to hurt yourself. You could find the answers all around you in the light without stressin' yourself out. No struggle or anythin'. Light is very easy to help -- easy to get there. Try to play yourself as Sherlock Holmes with magnify glass and test around to understand the possiblities and impossiblities.
Now, about my mother's soul -- her soul just like the "dark" room. I couldn't find her. Where did she go ? Where was she ? Hello ?? See, there's always questions. There's never an answer, but I do know why when the "dark" means "evil". I wasn't allowed to SEE what's evil in the dark room. There's always hidin'. But, it could scare you once the light turns on to see somethin' soo evil in that dark room. Ok ? That's what I see in my mother's soul. It terrified me - it impacted me soo hard... that was how I got this stutterin'. I couldn't talk. That wasn't me. God opened my eyes to see somethin' in her. God is my Light. My eyes became "flashlights" through God's Light for me to see. When I see "dark" soul in her, I don't know where she went. Where did she go ? Mom ? My eyes were searchin' inside her to find her - she was no where to be seen and, even thou I knew she was standin' right there in front of me at the same time. Where was I ? I was standin' behind her when God opened my eyes.
After it hit me, I was speechless - state of shock. My mind went else where. It flees. Too scared to think. It took me an 1/2 hour to get it back to normal. Now, I know. I will never be the same I used to be.
It's why I see differently from other people's perspective/POV/opinions -- no matter how hard they tried to explain things to me, if they ( plural ) see the same all together against one ( me ). My stepdad understood me, because he was there before. My mother never been there before - it explained why she has this "self-esteem" problem. I don't want you to think that I painted my stepfather as saint - Gee... that has nothin' to do with him. It has to do with my experience with God myself from before and after. If, I was stepdad, I would tell my life story about Mau Maus Gang -- it has nothin' to do with CyberRed. It's about an individual's experience in life. It's all about individual's identity and destiny ( fate ).
I do still love my mother very much - she was the one who brought my heart to ache, knowin' that she will not be able to make it. Of course, she is still alive. She is 63.
Ok, here's an images:

Dark soul:


Light soul:

If, she has this light in her soul, then I will be able to find her just like a room with the light on and I will be able to see things in a room to reveal what they are. I would be so happy to find her with tears, knowin' that I will see her in Heaven one day with a BIG smile.

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Momoftwo

Hi CyberRed

Your experience was so powerful!!!! Thanks for sharing with us!

I'll keep praying for your mother.

Momoftwo

Momoftwo

Hi Cheri

I'm so sorry about your mother. I'm sure you still love your mother. I'll pray for your mother.

Momoftwo

Audiofuzzy

>>God opened my eyes to see somethin' in her.<<

BUT can you be absolutely positively sure it was indeed God who opened your eyes? maybe it was Satan disguising himself as God wanting to scare you and separate you from your own mother? and you mother couldn't even explain because you were so blidned by what you saw, nothing would get thru to you anymore?
just speculating..

Thanks for being so understanding CR. I really apprecciate it. I hope you'll forgive me for keep pushing - I try to understand you.
I must have of very little imagination because I do not get the idea of you seeying your mother's soul, and black - I just don't get it.
How can one see someone's soul at all, and know that black is automatically black-evil, not black- sad, black -scared, black-lost, etc...?
There are black people out there, you know, Africans for example, does that mean they are bad?
Maybe your mother soul was black form pain and sorrow she've experieneced in her life and you happened to see her in her darkest, most painful moment.

I wish I could know your mom personally, then I would tell you what I think of her and her soul.
I highly doubt she was a bad person to the core- I'd rather believe she most likely was a misguded one, as most of us is...

What was so horrible she did that you feel she's evil? if you don't mind me telling again. Did she abused you, called you stupid, worthless, did she have many boyfriends etc? but you see, that could be because she didn't have good self esteem and not only she disrespected herself but she was unable to be caring and loving because she didn't love herslef in the first place..

Fuzzy

Maria

BUT can you be absolutely positively sure it was indeed God who opened your eyes? maybe it was Satan disguising himself as God wanting to scare you and separate you from your own mother? and you mother couldn't even explain because you were so blidned by what you saw, nothing would get thru to you anymore?
just speculating..

Yes, I am very positive 100% sure. I don't have one blind eye. My mother never knew about this, because she was washin' dishes at that time AFTER I finished my supper when I walked up to her ( behind her back ) to put the plate on the counter for her to wash. When the plate was put down, God opened my eyes immediately. God wouldn't allow me to drop the plate, would He ? Perfect timin'.

Thanks for being so understanding CR. I really apprecciate it. I hope you'll forgive me for keep pushing - I try to understand you.
I must have of very little imagination because I do not get the idea of you seeying your mother's soul, and black - I just don't get it.
How can one see someone's soul at all, and know that black is automatically black-evil, not black- sad, black -scared, black-lost, etc...?

No problem. I forgive you. ( I like reasonable discuss without pushin' )
Can you use your imagination what a "black" ghost looks like ? I mean GHOST without physical body...Ok, use that imagination - put that "black" ghost INSIDE my mother's physical body pretendin' that "black" ghost was her soul.
That's what God opened my eyes to see her "black" soul in her soul just like this I've just described about the "black" ghost. Umm...How can I see the "black" soul in her physical body ? God is Light, right ? Same with Jesus, right ? Ok, when I accepted Jesus Christ in my heart as my personal Saviour -His Light shone in me and it brought forth to my eyes, makin' it feels like my eyes in one flashlight. And, the Light show me the "dark". You can try to turn the light off in a room at your home, and bring a flashlight with you - test it for yourself if you get it what I mean. You will only see one spot with your flashlight but, the dark will be around it on the outside of the light you are usin' the flashlight. But, for God -- His Light is BIG and the "dark" can't hide from the Light anywhere.

There are black people out there, you know, Africans for example, does that mean they are bad? Oh, no - not that. *chuckles* That's different, Fuzzy. I am not talkin' about the flesh or physical body. Physical body and soul is separated. I speak of the soul, not the physical body.
Maybe your mother soul was black form pain and sorrow she've experieneced in her life and you happened to see her in her darkest, most painful moment.

No, not from the pain or sorrow. It was from her sins without forgivin'. Why would she marry my stepfather when she knew that he was a minister ? If, she likes him, the man who is a minister - then, she should have support him spiritually and pray/read the bible together with him, like pastors and wives do.

I wish I could know your mom personally, then I would tell you what I think of her and her soul.
I highly doubt she was a bad person to the core- I'd rather believe she most likely was a misguded one, as most of us is...

Who says that my mother was a bad person to the core ? It's her sins. She knew there's God. She believes there's God. My stepfather and mother took me to church while growin' up.

What was so horrible she did that you feel she's evil?
if you don't mind me telling again. Did she abused you, called you stupid, worthless, did she have many boyfriends etc? but you see, that could be because she didn't have good self esteem and not only she disrespected herself but she was unable to be caring and loving because she didn't love herslef in the first place..

Oh, yeah she called me names..even, sayin' the F word and B word. She killed my first unborn child by sendin' me to an abortion clinic. I saw everythin' in a BIG jar with my baby in it - with my own blood. It was my son...his legs and arms were torn apart. From that, it sent me to see a psychologist for one year. Trauma.

Until the age of 18, God changed my life BIG time. I exchanged my life with Jesus. My life was in God's Hands -- my young sister's unborn baby's life was taken away. It hit my stepfather hard and realized that it was his and mother's mistake for killin' my unborn child. My sister cried and cried sooo hard, because she was holdin' her almost full term son in her arms. He died in her arms when she was pregnant with him at 8 1/2 months. Mine was throwin' away in the tiolet and hers was in the grave.

Matthew 6:22
"The lamp of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light."

CyberRed ....

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Audiofuzzy

That is terrible thing she did to you. I am very sorry for your suffering, CR.
That was traumatic, of course. Would be traumatic to everyone. I am so sorry.
You have a good point here CR- why would a woman who knew her "boyfriend" is a minister, still want to marry him if she herself was not into religion as much.
Obviously she was religious to a degree if she went to church. I don't go to church, I am not religious. I wouldn't marry a minister, obviously. I would go bonkers with him!! but perhaps she just overestimated herself, I am not trying to excuse her but it does happen- people think they'll be able to handle something and it turns out- they can't.. maybe she was hoping she'll becaome like him with time. Turned out it's not who she is..?

Welp, I thought if you tell me some more I'll understand you better but actually I am more confused, lol.

Good luck to you, CR. I hope one day you'll find peace with your Mom, and still before she'll die. After all it's your Mom and indeed she treated you badly, but I hope she'll see her wrongdoings and feel sorry for it. And make up for you.
If you could bear with me - how old were you when you had that abortion, and why couldn't you say NO! ?? and again I am SO sorry for what happened to you..

Fuzzy

Audiofuzzy

ooops almost forgot;

Can you use your imagination what a "black" ghost looks like ? I mean GHOST without physical body...Ok, use that imagination - put that "black" ghost INSIDE my mother's physical body pretendin' that "black" ghost was her soul.

I can imagine a soul, or a ghost alright, but I can't imagine how could you possibly see a soul in someone's living body. I can't understand how for instance I could just come up to someone like everyday and suddenly see his soul, like nose on a face or something. That I don't understand..
I would be more apt to believe or understand if that was a ghost or a soul of a deceased person- now that's what I have concept of. You die, there is a ghost. Some pple can see ghosts, psychics for example, like Sylvia Browne..
But the way you described it I just can't grasp it.

Also I wonder- why would God want you to see your mom's black soul? and why that particular moment? obviously it was yet another traumatic experience for you. and I guess you lost your mother at this moment. why would He let that happen?


Fuzzy

Maria

I can imagine a soul, or a ghost alright, but I can't imagine how could you possibly see a soul in someone's living body. I can't understand how for instance I could just come up to someone like everyday and suddenly see