rebeccalj

Kind of sad because daughter home from University so take her to favourite restaurant with boyfriend and son. Think we will have another talk about /voice and can they please start ASL so communication easier for me.

Daughter (18) say to me, "Mum, maybe if you give me your hearing test I will consider it."

So, email original audiologist and they email that files were sent to last city I live in. That they only keep files for 7 years. Contact second clinic and they only have note on file saying that the files were suppose to be transferred there but never arrive.

Feel no point going to have another test because know it will be worse than last one and audiologist say to me that he cannot understand how I coped so long without assistance. Uh, survival of the fittest idjit.

Anyone have advice on what can do? Feel like daughter complete audist and it hurt *SO*, so much that she say what she did the other night. Boyfriend was in shock that she could say that to me when very obvious to whole family know how voice has changed *SO* much in just 2 years and can hardly ennunciate words now. Especially if have busy 'speaking' day at office.

Deafness

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AlleyCat

saywhatkid

Pretty hard to expect 18 year olds make adjustments for Mom, when they are away from home for weeks. She is more concerned about her image. Does not make it right. Sorry.

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jillio

Tell her to give you her IQ scores and you will think about whether continuing to pay for her education.

Frisky Feline

sometimes in relatives are desperate for their loved people who are able to hear but they didnt realize that we all are really ok. i guess we made up and accept who we are and move on but they are?????

Banjo

What? Your daughter actually had the nerve to ask you for your audiogram in order to even consider signing for you?

I'm sorry to say this, but your daughter needs a reality check.

sallylou

I'm so sorry. Unfortunately, showing my family my audiogram was the only way that I could make them understand that I cannot hear their voices. A picture of the hearing loss in the speech zone is clear and obvious. I think that it's ignorance on their part. They had this idea that if they just turned up the volume that I would hear them.

Don't get a new audiogram. Print out a copy of the hearing loss audiogram that shows the speech zone. Estimate your hearing loss on the graph. Show that to your family. Then, maybe they will get it. Hearing people have no idea what it's like having hearing loss. When you tell them, you might as well be speaking Greek to them. It's part of educating people. I know that there are emotional issues here. Try to put that aside and make her understand. Once she understands, her attitiude will change.

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saywhatkid

I wonder how she would feel if you showed her the bill from university?

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sallylou

I don't think that she realizes what she is doing. It's truly a case of ignorance and miscommunication. Yea, she's young, self-absorbed and conscious of her image--that goes with the territory with a college-aged person. If you can truly communicate, I think that it will improve the relationship.

This is a case in which a neutral third party would be helpful. Maybe a doctor or therapist. Mother/daughter relationships are so close and intense by nature.

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rebeccalj

Probably true but she *used* to want to learn ASL when she was 14 or so. She read body language very well. She even tell friend of mine, in text, that friend can meet man who will love her enough to learn ASL. Think to myself why is friend worthy of that kind of love but not her own Mum?

Wish you were there with retort. I give her credit card to help with emergency expenses and fuel for car *I* buy and pay for insurance. Her father, also deaf in one ear, do not pay for anything. University fall on me to pay for and support though she also have small student loan. Strange enough she wants to become doctor. Forensic psychology. You'd think with some classes she taking she would understand humans a little better.

To me, feel like if cannot speak she *SO* sad that not hear voice she hear her whole life. I understand it is like loss to her in a way but this is second time we have argument about /voice. Son seem a little more open to idea but daughter won't even do pen/paper with me. Older daughters also very supportive. Why not this one?

Yes, she ask in front of son, boyfriend and me. I get up to go to bathroom because so upset want to cry. Feel *SO* rejected in a way. Just typing that bring tears to eyes.

Probably need to be strong and firm with them. They do not like then tough. Just hard because love them *SO* much and do not like to see them so upset.

Also my own fault because try to be 'hearie' whole life because that is what parents want me to be. I know it seem like sudden change for them but this has been coming for over 5 years now. They *see* me signing with boyfriend. They *see* me over the years signing. They *see* me using pen/paper when out shopping or getting fuel. It is not sudden but maybe they see it that way?

Beowulf

Sorry about the lip she gave you, rebeccalj.
When she gets older I think she will realize that she has only one mother and will regret her words to you. It's hell it doesn't happen now, isn't it?

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Banjo

You are the one who carried her around for 9 months, breastfed her, changed her diapers, clothed her, raised her in your house for the last 18 years and many more.

Now she needs to learn a life lesson and it has to be done the hard way. She cannot continue to take life for granted.

deafskeptic

I was thinking the same thing.

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jillio

That is why I suggested what I did. A little shock factor at that age does wonders sometimes.

rebeccalj

I already send them link to simulator. I should ask her if she actually listened to it so she could understand what she sound like to me. It was funny actually, yesterday, I am downstairs steam cleaning teenager furniture and do not hear her come downstairs, obviously. Suddenly light goes on and off so I turn around and she is there to tell me that she and her girlfriend, also home from reading break from University, going for dinner. Then she signs a little heart at me and left. Do not know what that was about. Maybe she is just trying to **** with my mind?

She already know. I help her figure out budget for each month of how much she can spend each week from account. She now has job so will start to earn some income which is awesome as I am her sole financial support.

The thing is we are *SO* close. Always have been. Always able to talk about anything (ie: sex, birth control, boyfriends, her dad) very openly. It is just /voice off that she cannot seem handle. After leave for bathroom other night boyfriend talk to them. He say in text, "I told them, when bathroom you...them MUST learn ASL or it will break your heart! Told them think ASL language of love! Brave strong you...live their world...now discovering yours...why changes happening they not like." Then he say call bluff. Show test *then* they be force to learn. Seem silly have make agreement with own kids for something *SO* important.

jillio

Yes, it is silly, and also innappropriate.

DeafBadger

This is really sad to read. She should not have said that to you... she should know how important it is to you.

Would she do an experiment where she wears ear plugs all day long, trying to understand people? I mean the solid ear plugs that let no sound in. Maybe then, she'll get it.

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rebeccalj

I was *SO* shocked by it had to get up and leave table. Floored. She not usually speak to me like that but in this one area *SO* stubborn about. Do not understand why so stubborn on something that is key for us to communicate.

Know very little sound now so probably be 100% deaf in not too long. Try prepare last few years for this. Do not think she will like only email to me. Or text. When that day come. Seem to me she could be learning now and be, how say, ahead of the game?

Actually only 6 months but, yes, you are right. Thing is that she and her younger brother are very likely to have deaf child. Tell them both this but does not register? in their mind. Probably will not until happen for them.

I agree that she need to learn life lesson. Yes!! Just wish knew how to turn switch to do that. Boyfriend say same thing as you. Play hard ball? with her. Maybe just refuse to speak? If she do not like then tough?

rebeccalj

Ooohh, that is *great* idea! Will propose that to her and ask her if she ever listen to simulator.

naisho

I feel that a lot of us forget that when we're teenagers, we demand unnecessary things, rebel or have twisted thinking that usually is shaped from our friends or social groups or media.
I remember a lot of the teenagers here on AD, even the deaf and non-deaf do not get along well with them. Remember Joey? Baseballboy? They get people angry from time to time just from general teenage behaviors.

So, just hang in there is my thought. You will win in the end. Parents always win, it's just when is the question.

rebeccalj

Excellent point! Made me feel a lot better.

rockin'robin

I'm sure things will get better between you and ur daughter in given time....It was the same way with me & my family years ago...and also with my 3 boys many times....

As I've aged, I realize that I have and will have to become dependent upon ASL more than ever....even now, as I'm recuperating from surgery, and my vision is still off somewhat and I have to take it easy...my boys sign to me in ASL and close up, to make sure I understand them.....Their level of patience wears thin sometimes....but it's a good lesson for them, all the way around.

Patience is the Key, the earlier that it's learned, the better off everyone will be. Having a heart-to-heart talk with ur daughter about all of this surely can't hurt either one of you....Being and becoming prepared for the unevitable is a good thing for everyone.

freshfighter4

That's not necessarily true, Sally. I've been in circumstances where I had to put in ear plugs in order to not overhear things being said (when I was younger at least). Permenantly, no; temporarily, yes. Which is where the "necessarily" comes into play.
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As far as the situation with your daughter goes, I'm sorry that I can't be much help. The only thing I can suggest is to just stay strong and hope she soon understands what's going on with your hearing loss and chooses to learn ASL for you, so that you both may still communicate.

AlleyCat

What's not true? There is a speech zone that makes a difference. Everything SallyLou said was right. If you're hearing, you might not have a clue.

Bottesini

Keep in mind you are about to enter a new phase of your life where it's just you, no kids.

Even if they have no interest in ASL, you won't be constantly with them as they establish new lives of their own.

Now is the time to get out and find the deaf community where you are and assimilate.

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sallylou

rebecca, I can totally relate because I'm in a similar situation and my eldest graduates this year. I've read that the relationship between a mother and her young adult child can be rocky as both parties adjust. My son and I are right on target. We're trying to figure out how to keep the connection yet move on to a more adult-adult relationship.

Part of the problem is that both of us need to met our own individual needs now without each other. You know, the big seperation as individuals. My son is anxious about leaving the nest and I (momma bird) don't really want him to leave or no longer need me.

I don't have the secret to learning to accomondate each other as two adults. Experts say that it's a method of trial and error in which you negotiate what works for both of you. Part of that process is learning to accept the other person's values and choices.

The good news is that when your daughter's brain finished fully developing (23-25 is it?). you will have a real adult on your hands who will be less impulsive and more reliable. I think that it's harder with moms and daughters from what I've seen, although a therapist once told me that problems in a marriage are typically caused by the mother of the son.

I second Bott's recommendation. If I haven't already done this, I wouldn't be taking this process very well.

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rebeccalj

That's good point. I haven't thought about 'empty nest' coming soon.

I guess I think about future to when they are come home for visits and holidays. How do we communicate, easily, then?

But, you're right. Assimilating is necessary now. For me.

rebeccalj

Definitely adjustment for she and I. I remember her sobbing on her bed about how much she will miss me and her brother (they are *very* close ThisisJayee: My Brother Connor J), just before she move away, and broke my heart. But, she is close enough to be able to take ferry back to Mainland and come see her Mumma when she miss me, which is *SO* nice.

Funny story. She text me, "Mum, can I get a fish for my room so I'm not so lonely?" I text her back, "Uhm, Holly, you are in university now so do not think need permission from Mumma to have fish. As long as you do not start talk to it go ahead." Found funny that she feel need to ask permission for a 'pet' even though in university.

Beach girl

She intends for you to take care of the "pet" when she comes home for the summer. ;-)

rebeccalj

Hahahaha! Probably!