Rules in Deaf culture?

jabberwo0cky · 11-27-2010, 05:21 PM

Hey all! I am a hearing ASL student, and have been spending some time recently with a new Deaf friend. Last weekend she brought her daughter and 7 grandkids out to my house to have a winter play day. I had a ton of fun signing with my friend and her daughter, and talk/signing with all the kids (they all knew ASL). I also enjoyed trying my best to facilitate communication between my hearing family (who's never met a Deaf family!) and my new friends. On my end of things, we had a really great time! We rode horses, my dad made a gigantic pot of stew, and then the kids all came out and helped us pick up sticks from the aftermath of our recent winter storm.
It was a great day. When they all piled in the van to leave, my friend gave me $40. $40! For what?! She said for spending time with the horses and lunch and playing with her kids, etc. But honestly, it was our pleasure to have them all out. I tried to give the money back but she refused. I had just planned on slipping it into her mailbox or something, but a friend of mine (who has a grandma who is Deaf) said "NO WAY, that is rude in Deaf culture. If she gave you that, it would be rude to give it back."
Is this true? If so, what is the explanation behind it? Any way I could make it up to her? I mean, honestly, I invited them all out, had fun playing with the kids, they helped us clean up on the farm, and she gave ME money. I feel like it should have been the other way around. Any thoughts? Thanks! =)

rockin'robin · 11-27-2010, 06:11 PM

Beats me!...But I would feel a little "offended" too...

lanapoo · 11-27-2010, 06:12 PM

I've never heard of that "rule." That's very strange...

deafgal001 · 11-27-2010, 06:26 PM

Wirelessly posted

Sounds to me that she is not used to having
A friend . I do the same thing.

Berry · 11-27-2010, 07:13 PM

That is sad.

authentic · 11-27-2010, 07:18 PM

Next time host a pizza party, spend $40 to pay it off.

Bebonang · 11-27-2010, 07:33 PM

No rules in Deaf Culture except to sign only (that is the only rule). I think your new friend appreciated your hospitality to make her and the family happy and friendship. It is like welcoming to the home when someone who did not have a place to stay and felt appreciated very much. So a kind person or a new friend offer to leave the money with you.

I did that when I was warmly welcome and make me feel like I am at home. But I would rather leave the money on the table to let them know that I am very appreciated for what they have done for me. Yes, it is no sense to argue or reason with the new friend to return back the money. It is for you, only. You have found a very good friend.

As for a Deaf grandma, I think she is a little bit jealous of you for having a very good friend who is kind toward you. If she is Deaf, she should know that there were no rules except to sign which we really need that for visual communication better than lipreading.

Authentic had a very good suggestion that you can have a pizza party with the money to host anyone who is interest in pizza (smack - delicious).

jabberwo0cky · 11-27-2010, 07:56 PM

Thanks for the input! I'm so glad that all of you wonderful people are here to help me out

deafgal001 · 11-27-2010, 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Berry

That is sad.

I don't do that anymore. Well kinda. i hate the idea of taking other people's money so I don't easily take other people's generosity very well.

DDU · 11-27-2010, 11:04 PM

forget it and return the favor someday. it is not a DEAF thing.say it is a HEARING thing to return a gift doubled

**shel90** · 11-27-2010, 11:10 PM

Maybe she thought it was to cover the expenses for the food that was provided?

It could be that was she afraid that by not offering you money, she would offend you by looking like she was taking advantage of you.

It is not a Deaf culture thing. It has to have something to do with how she was raised or a bad experience she had with someone else. You need to talk with her.

Berry · 11-28-2010, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deafgal001

I don't do that anymore. Well kinda. i hate the idea of taking other people's money so I don't easily take other people's generosity very well.

My family has the rule that when someone is nice to you you return the favor... Not pay them. If they take you out riding horses on their property and we don't have property or horses then we take you down to the river and we go canoeing. Or to pizza.

But yes, reciprocality is a good idea.

I also feel bad if someone favors me and I can do nothing in return. Fortunately that has happened very seldom in my life.

deafbajagal · 11-30-2010, 11:51 AM

Her action had nothing to do with deaf culture.

11-30-2010, 12:01 PM

Personally I feel offended if someone offers me money when I am hosting something that I did not ask for money for.

deafbajagal · 11-30-2010, 01:15 PM

I would, too...

**sallylou** · 11-30-2010, 01:58 PM

Maybe this person felt that she cannot host a similar event? She may not be in a position to entertain in the same way?

**KristinaB** · 11-30-2010, 10:28 PM

Maybe she felt bad with having her 7 grandkids there and thought the cost of feeding them would be q burden, especially in this economy. She just may have thought that she was truly helping and it made her feel good.

Bebonang · 11-30-2010, 10:29 PM

What is wrong with being generous like appreciated of what the host have done for the deaf person? It is not returning the favor if that is what you are implying. Like deafbajagal, no, it is not related to Deaf Culture. She was very impressed of his hospitality and that is how she was expressing her feeling of being generous to him for making her feel a part of him and his family and having fun that she and her daughter plus the 7 grandkids had never fun like this. That take a lot of guts for a hearing person to give her and her family much happiness. So let's leave at that.

jenniifer · 12-17-2010, 12:48 PM

Sounds to me like she is a very sweet person, and just wanted to be able to give something back to you for a day that she really enjoyed. My mother is like this as well, and she is not Deaf. I would take it as she meant it, as being generous towards you in the only way she could at that moment. Sounds like she would be a great person to have as a lifelong friend.

tee · 07-19-2011, 10:39 AM

why feel offended? we are all really poor right now you may not have any money afther the party just say thank you and be nice

Grummer · 07-19-2011, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bebonang

What is wrong with being generous like appreciated of what the host have done for the deaf person? It is not returning the favor if that is what you are implying. Like deafbajagal, no, it is not related to Deaf Culture. She was very impressed of his hospitality and that is how she was expressing her feeling of being generous to him for making her feel a part of him and his family and having fun that she and her daughter plus the 7 grandkids had never fun like this. That take a lot of guts for a hearing person to give her and her family much happiness. So let's leave at that.

I thnk so too, i think she was so grateful for the Nice Hearing person like you to host and gave her probably the best of times she and her kids had in a long time, and yes good idea to invite back for a pizza lunch and just kind of talk softly say, 'we're freinds', dont worry about money, enjoy the lunch , kind of break the ice to by pass the money-as-freinds shit, (that neither hearing/or deaf culture) its just 'gratefull-ness money' indeed she probably had it sad in the past, but dont over do it, just be light about it, give some pizza or some but dont be too extravagent about it either or she'd feel even worse..yeah its bit tricky, i guess the trick is be cool and light about it, some pizza and say its a real pleasure to be freinds with ASL signers something like that...hearing and deaf alike do have sense of retribution or being used, or being generous but sometimes its overkill, somethings its like plain and simple 'gratefulness' Ive seen similar happened before (dunno when/where) i dont remmmy everything...
cheers

Grummer · 07-19-2011, 03:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenniifer

Sounds to me like she is a very sweet person, and just wanted to be able to give something back to you for a day that she really enjoyed. My mother is like this as well, and she is not Deaf. I would take it as she meant it, as being generous towards you in the only way she could at that moment. Sounds like she would be a great person to have as a lifelong friend.

yea

its like "oh in town, $40 even $100 couldnt buy so much fun as this...here's my platonic love, some gift for you" very grateful - been a real pleasure with your host for the day , sometimes even people might think (even I do) thinks smiles is too cheap...
hmm food for thought (er thought for the day here - smile can be too cheap, i made that up right now lol

but hey it seems fitting)

JabberJay · 07-19-2011, 08:43 PM

in some families (not always specific cultures) or groups of people it can be seen as rude to return a gift.
The money could just have been a thank you gift.

In my family we follow that rule as well as filling Tupperware containers with food when we return them. Because returning an empty container in my family is a huge insult.

just different ways of thinking I guess.

My best suggestion is to use the 40 to pay for another day out for them. return it in a different form shouldn't be rude I don't think.

**Smithtr** · 07-23-2011, 03:52 PM

really that is stranger I never heard it rule I am puzzled it!

drphil · 07-23-2011, 07:37 PM

Are these " deaf rules" just specific countries?

Implanted A B Harmony activated Aug/07

**Bottesini** · 07-23-2011, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drphil

Are these " deaf rules" just specific countries?

Implanted A B Harmony activated Aug/07

That's just a hearing kid who asked that question a year ago.

Good manners can apply to deaf and hearing both.

It's really kind of insulting .

jillio · 07-23-2011, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drphil

Are these " deaf rules" just specific countries?

Implanted A B Harmony activated Aug/07

Every culture has its own unspoken "rules" for acceptable behavior. That includes the Deaf culture of various countries.

However, the instance referred to in this old thread is not a "rule" for Deaf culture, but of another cultural influence or economic category.

**Smithtr** · 07-23-2011, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drphil

Are these " deaf rules" just specific countries?

Implanted A B Harmony activated Aug/07

means on respect manner on community service country!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bottesini

That's just a hearing kid who asked that question a year ago.

Good manners can apply to deaf and hearing both.

It's really kind of insulting .

sound behavior polite manner respect to deaf rule I understand clear,

Quote:

Originally Posted by jillio

Every culture has its own unspoken "rules" for acceptable behavior. That includes the Deaf culture of various countries.

However, the instance referred to in this old thread is not a "rule" for Deaf culture, but of another cultural influence or economic category.

sound how aware it otherwise important!

drphil · 07-24-2011, 08:43 AM

Theoretical exercise for the moment on the " supposed multiple rules" re" deaf/Deaf social interaction". What is the impact of breaking such" rules"?

Implanted A B Harmony Activated Aug/07

**Bottesini** · 07-24-2011, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drphil

Theoretical exercise for the moment on the " supposed multiple rules" re" deaf/Deaf social interaction". What is the impact of breaking such" rules"?

Implanted A B Harmony Activated Aug/07

It all comes down to having good manners. If you break too many rules too often, people won't want to be your friend.

So the impact of not using good social skills = lonliness.

11-27-2010, 05:21 PM	#1 (permalink)
jabberwo0cky Registered User Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 3	Rules in Deaf culture? Hey all! I am a hearing ASL student, and have been spending some time recently with a new Deaf friend. Last weekend she brought her daughter and 7 grandkids out to my house to have a winter play day. I had a ton of fun signing with my friend and her daughter, and talk/signing with all the kids (they all knew ASL). I also enjoyed trying my best to facilitate communication between my hearing family (who's never met a Deaf family!) and my new friends. On my end of things, we had a really great time! We rode horses, my dad made a gigantic pot of stew, and then the kids all came out and helped us pick up sticks from the aftermath of our recent winter storm. It was a great day. When they all piled in the van to leave, my friend gave me $40. $40! For what?! She said for spending time with the horses and lunch and playing with her kids, etc. But honestly, it was our pleasure to have them all out. I tried to give the money back but she refused. I had just planned on slipping it into her mailbox or something, but a friend of mine (who has a grandma who is Deaf) said "NO WAY, that is rude in Deaf culture. If she gave you that, it would be rude to give it back." Is this true? If so, what is the explanation behind it? Any way I could make it up to her? I mean, honestly, I invited them all out, had fun playing with the kids, they helped us clean up on the farm, and she gave ME money. I feel like it should have been the other way around. Any thoughts? Thanks! =)

11-27-2010, 07:13 PM	#5 (permalink)
Berry Registered User Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Oroville, Ca. Posts: 2,024	That is sad. __________________ Free Jillio! Living life in the sandbox.

11-27-2010, 07:18 PM	#6 (permalink)
authentic Registered User Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: San Francisco Posts: 6,094	Next time host a pizza party, spend $40 to pay it off. ladysolitary85 likes this. __________________

11-27-2010, 07:33 PM	#7 (permalink)
Bebonang Registered User Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Manitoulin Island on Lake Huron in Canada Posts: 7,009	No rules in Deaf Culture except to sign only (that is the only rule). I think your new friend appreciated your hospitality to make her and the family happy and friendship. It is like welcoming to the home when someone who did not have a place to stay and felt appreciated very much. So a kind person or a new friend offer to leave the money with you. I did that when I was warmly welcome and make me feel like I am at home. But I would rather leave the money on the table to let them know that I am very appreciated for what they have done for me. Yes, it is no sense to argue or reason with the new friend to return back the money. It is for you, only. You have found a very good friend. As for a Deaf grandma, I think she is a little bit jealous of you for having a very good friend who is kind toward you. If she is Deaf, she should know that there were no rules except to sign which we really need that for visual communication better than lipreading. Authentic had a very good suggestion that you can have a pizza party with the money to host anyone who is interest in pizza (smack - delicious). __________________ I HAVE BEEN DEAF SINCE BIRTH, AND IT IS STILL AWESOME TO BE . (thumb up) (very happy)

11-27-2010, 11:04 PM	#10 (permalink)
DDU Registered User Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: north east Posts: 804	forget it and return the favor someday. it is not a DEAF thing.say it is a HEARING thing to return a gift doubled __________________ when in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout!

Today
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11-27-2010, 06:11 PM	#2 (permalink)
rockin'robin Registered User Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Florida Posts: 15,278	Beats me!...But I would feel a little "offended" too...

11-27-2010, 06:12 PM	#3 (permalink)
lanapoo Registered User Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: The Golden State Posts: 2,568	I've never heard of that "rule." That's very strange...

11-27-2010, 06:26 PM	#4 (permalink)
deafgal001 Banned Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 2,542	Wirelessly posted Sounds to me that she is not used to having A friend . I do the same thing.

11-27-2010, 07:56 PM	#8 (permalink)
jabberwo0cky Registered User Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 3	Thanks for the input! I'm so glad that all of you wonderful people are here to help me out

11-27-2010, 11:10 PM	#11 (permalink)
shel90 Let It Snow!!!! Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: A place where crabs are popular Posts: 40,290 Blog Entries: 3	Maybe she thought it was to cover the expenses for the food that was provided? It could be that was she afraid that by not offering you money, she would offend you by looking like she was taking advantage of you. It is not a Deaf culture thing. It has to have something to do with how she was raised or a bad experience she had with someone else. You need to talk with her. BecLak and ladysolitary85 like this. __________________ "Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it." --- Anonymous

11-30-2010, 11:51 AM	#13 (permalink)
deafbajagal Registered User Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: USA Posts: 5,171	Her action had nothing to do with deaf culture.

11-30-2010, 12:01 PM	#14 (permalink)
rockdrummer Guest Posts: n/a	Personally I feel offended if someone offers me money when I am hosting something that I did not ask for money for.

11-30-2010, 01:15 PM	#15 (permalink)
deafbajagal Registered User Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: USA Posts: 5,171	I would, too...

11-30-2010, 01:58 PM	#16 (permalink)
sallylou Potterhead and Janeite Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: My own private Idaho Posts: 6,653	Maybe this person felt that she cannot host a similar event? She may not be in a position to entertain in the same way? __________________

11-30-2010, 10:28 PM	#17 (permalink)
KristinaB New SDIT Deacon Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Land of the backstroke Posts: 13,768	Maybe she felt bad with having her 7 grandkids there and thought the cost of feeding them would be q burden, especially in this economy. She just may have thought that she was truly helping and it made her feel good.

11-30-2010, 10:29 PM	#18 (permalink)
Bebonang Registered User Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Manitoulin Island on Lake Huron in Canada Posts: 7,009	What is wrong with being generous like appreciated of what the host have done for the deaf person? It is not returning the favor if that is what you are implying. Like deafbajagal, no, it is not related to Deaf Culture. She was very impressed of his hospitality and that is how she was expressing her feeling of being generous to him for making her feel a part of him and his family and having fun that she and her daughter plus the 7 grandkids had never fun like this. That take a lot of guts for a hearing person to give her and her family much happiness. So let's leave at that. ladysolitary85 likes this. __________________ I HAVE BEEN DEAF SINCE BIRTH, AND IT IS STILL AWESOME TO BE . (thumb up) (very happy)

12-17-2010, 12:48 PM	#19 (permalink)
jenniifer Registered User Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: northeastern US Posts: 169	Sounds to me like she is a very sweet person, and just wanted to be able to give something back to you for a day that she really enjoyed. My mother is like this as well, and she is not Deaf. I would take it as she meant it, as being generous towards you in the only way she could at that moment. Sounds like she would be a great person to have as a lifelong friend.

07-19-2011, 10:39 AM	#20 (permalink)
tee Registered User Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 13	why feel offended? we are all really poor right now you may not have any money afther the party just say thank you and be nice

07-19-2011, 08:43 PM	#23 (permalink)
JabberJay Registered User Join Date: May 2011 Location: Alberta,Canada Posts: 386	in some families (not always specific cultures) or groups of people it can be seen as rude to return a gift. The money could just have been a thank you gift. In my family we follow that rule as well as filling Tupperware containers with food when we return them. Because returning an empty container in my family is a huge insult. just different ways of thinking I guess. My best suggestion is to use the 40 to pay for another day out for them. return it in a different form shouldn't be rude I don't think.

07-23-2011, 03:52 PM	#24 (permalink)
Smithtr Siberian Husky Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 14,655	really that is stranger I never heard it rule I am puzzled it! __________________

07-23-2011, 07:37 PM	#25 (permalink)
drphil Registered User Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Toronto Ontario Posts: 4,111	Are these " deaf rules" just specific countries? Implanted A B Harmony activated Aug/07 __________________ Get Real:Implanted Sunnybrook/Toronto -Advanced Bionics-Harmony activated Aug/07

07-24-2011, 08:43 AM	#29 (permalink)
drphil Registered User Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Toronto Ontario Posts: 4,111	Theoretical exercise for the moment on the " supposed multiple rules" re" deaf/Deaf social interaction". What is the impact of breaking such" rules"? Implanted A B Harmony Activated Aug/07 __________________ Get Real:Implanted Sunnybrook/Toronto -Advanced Bionics-Harmony activated Aug/07

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