JennyB

Hi Everyone,

I had a bit of a frustrating evening tonight and I need to rant.

I was invited out to dinner with some of my friends. It was arranged by this one girl who I have been arguing with for a while about my deafness. I would tell her it was frustrating when I was in a group because I couldn't speech read, and none of my hearing friends sign. She told me I was being selfish, and the world doesn't revolve around me and my hearing loss. We had a few conversations in the recent past that seemed to be civil and we were regaining our friendship, so when she invited me out tonight I went.

She is moving across the country on Saturday so it was a bit of a goodbye get together. She told me where they were going and I asked if we could go someplace else and she said no because everyone else had already agreed on that place. I got there late, because she invited me at the last minute, and it was very dark and very loud.

Although I can't discriminate speech anyway I do use my hearing aids for a bit of directionality to know where to look but with the background noise I couldn't even do that. I tired to have a few small conversations with other people but it was so dark I couldn't read lips. I sat there through dinner, with my blackberry to hide behind. I paid, and then I went to the bathroom and just started crying because I was so frustrated. I ended up leaving without ever going back to the table.

I am just so frustrated because she seemed to do it purposly. It was like she was throwing fuel onto an already burning fire.

Anyway, that is my rant...

Goodnight!

Jenny

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Jenny~B
http://journysofadeafgirl.blogspot.com/

Deafness

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JClarke

damn, how rude they are! Their loss, jenny. I had to confront one of my friend yesterday relation of relationship issues that is not my problem and it doesn't relate at me at all and she finally backed off.

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jillio

I am really sorry that you had to go through that experience. You have gone far beyond to try to maintain this friendship.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I say cut your losses. This girl is not your friend, nor was she ever your friend. She is selfish and childish. You are way above that.

Hermes

I can hear, (I hope it wont affect your feelings towards me because you are frustrated tonight). I think she is in "be my friend on my terms" mode. But then its not a so bad thing she is leaving. Bye bye dear friend.. I had same experience in different contexts too. They put you in a situation totaly hassle to you, and then you try get along with it because they are friends. I learned to make short apperances , and that if I really want to. You know go there , smile , spend ten , fifteen minutes and then wish good trips say you got other plans for the night , and leave. Why should anybody stay there and act like they are part of it when they are not? Night night friend

I have got way less friends now (which I am happier about), I dont bother with anybody's terms unless they are select few . You know instead of dealing with 20 people's problems , I enjoy the company of 2.

These are my experiences. I dont know what could I do or say to make you feel better. So you should excuse me in that department. How about no talk and just a hug?

Hermes

kimpossible

I know the feeling. If wants/anyone expects you to stay anywhere, they need to be accommodating. I would have bought just a drink and stayed for about 15 minutes just to be polite.

My family and I sort of have this understanding of how I excuse myself from the table as soon as I'm finished eating, regardless of how far along everyone else is. It's because my family (as a group) doesn't speak slowly/clearly enough for me to follow at the dinner table (and they don't sign), so they can't expect me to stay out of courtesy if they don't have the courtesy to slow down for me. Although I usually stay anyway, as the conversations are easier to follow if I'm not preoccupied with facing my plate.

I'm so sorry it brought you to tears! I'm glad you got that rant out though. It reminded me of when my HA broke at my 7th grade graduation dinner and I hid in the bathroom at the restaurant until one of my friends came - I asked her to call my mom from the pay phone to pick me up. I was in that stall for 45 minutes and my dinner was turning cold on the table the entire time.

Jiro

yike. wish you'd tell her before she leaves - "Good Bye and Good Riddance!"

Miss-Delectable

Sorry to hear she put you through a lot. You're better off without her.

Sever tie with her and say "pox on you'!

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web730

Oh jeez! Yep, that's a good riddance (that I sec) for you, JennyB!

ClearSky

JennyB, I don't think she's a good friend. Don't talk to her anymore.

VamPyroX

Sorry about that.

Let that be something for you to think about for who your friends really are.

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shel90

Jenny..I have had hearing friends who refused to meet me halfway..I dont expect them to learn sign language but I expect them to be understanding that I need a well-lighted place so I can follow everyone.

Like everyone said, kick this girl to the curb and move on. I have kicked many old heairng friends to the curb for not even trying to understand my needs. It was hard but worth it cuz I dont have to deal with their BS anymore.

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etalton

It'll get better JennyB, life does that you know. I run into ignorant hearing people at work every day. Even my best friend forgets when we are on lunch or at break and there are a lot of people sitting with us. She knows I have trouble comprehending speech and when it is just us, she looks right at me and speaks clearly and not too fast. But, when others come around, she forgets and is all over the place. That is when I turn my ha off and think my own thoughts or do a sudoko puzzle.
Since they don't live in our world of deafness or being hard of hearing, they just don't get it. Even the hubby, bless his heart, forgets and turns away mid sentence or talks with his mouth full.
Yes, she does sound more childish than most, and a bit self centered, but it takes all kinds. In this case, be glad she is moving and you won't have to deal with her any more.

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charlotte1

you are so lucky that she is now out of your life, you dont need friends like her.

Berry

She probably treats a lot of her hearing 'friends' the same way. Some people feel so poorly about themselves they just have to put others down.

Best policy is to not associate with that type of person.

supersonic

You are better off without her.

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AliciaM

She's just a plain ol' bitch. People are ignorant!..at least you had someone to talk to on your BB

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Alicia
Phonak ha user

LeNoob

Hey Jenny, just thought I'd throw my two cents in here. I just stumbled upon this forum looking for answers to some etiquette questions. I'm hearing, and I've got to say, I'm amazed that girl had the nerve to call you selfish. She is obviously being the selfish one here because she has apparently made no effort to really understand your experience or where you are coming from.

Asking you to join her group for dinner and then not even being courteous enough to ensure the conditions allowed for you to participate and join in the experience was like me asking someone to come along with some friends for dinner, then sticking them behind a curtain in the dark by themselves and expecting them to enjoy it. What nonsense.


You have given this girl more than enough chances to get her act together and she has shown she's not interested in developing any sort of understanding of your perspective. Why would you continue making yourself miserable for her sake? I'd say you are better off without her by far. Sorry she was such a jerk

JennyB

Yes Alicia, you were my saviour that evening when I did the classic deaf move of pull out the blackberry, hide behind it, and wait for it all be over.

I haven't talked to the girl since that night...and I don't plan to. I have better friends here in Toronto, she was a friend from my hometown. I start University this week too so I hope to meet some new people there. Though I am the only deaf undergrad...

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Jenny~B
http://journysofadeafgirl.blogspot.com/

Grummer

So sorry that you're getting thru this needless crap, its not nice. You are not being selfish at all! - Her accusation of you being self-centred has no weight bearings on what is argueable. It is like abled-boded persons/organisation saying to wheelchairs users they are are selfish in demanding ramps, or wider doors, or extra parking space for mobility parking, so no way are you being selfish! you are simply seeking accommodation for your needs to communicate!
This is a classic cop-out that hearings majority do to deaf/Deaf/hard of hearing people, and this is where Social Model have the exact appropriate concepts to approach this type of situation! Hearings are so ignorant.
in contrary to most 'support' you have in this thread, I do not know how well you know her, but from hints as you said I am just so frustrated because she seemed to do it purposly. It was like she was throwing fuel onto an already burning fire." yep i have experienced exactly this many times too, knowing exactly how we have FELT is more than enough reason to know it is not an imaginary problem, this gives us reasons to consider how we might take it further but not reacting on the spot, but another way, in which it would go a long further.
I feel as so that as long we 'rant' like this and get the in-crowd support, it will nothing but provide 'instant feel good' based on shared experience - to me it is not enough, we have to be more constructive to some how outline this matter and start thinking about how we bring this seemingly trivial matter into something that hearing people could no longer deny their ignorances.

Cheers

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Doug5

plenty of cool people out there. no need to waste any time with the jerks.