Questions For The Deafies & Hearies Thread --- Cultural Discussion Topic

[Fly Free]

I had been at blockbusters recently and was standing in this MASSIVELY long line so i took the opportunity to observe the hearie in their behaviors --

why do u hearies seem to prefer talking without LOOKING at the person who is talking to u -- wouldnt that be a bit more polite if u were looking at the person to show that u were actually listening to him/her qq

can u guys explain this qq

if any of u deafies have something else for hte hearies FIRE AWAY!!!!!

[Oceanbreeze]

Originally Posted by Fly Free

I had been at blockbusters recently and was standing in this MASSIVELY long line so i took the opportunity to observe the hearie in their behaviors --

why do u hearies seem to prefer talking without LOOKING at the person who is talking to u -- wouldnt that be a bit more polite if u were looking at the person to show that u were actually listening to him/her qq

can u guys explain this qq

if any of u deafies have something else for hte hearies FIRE AWAY!!!!!

Oh, LOOKIE!! I'm the first one to respond to this!!

*ahem* Seriously, Fly...

You raise a good point. That's actually something I never thought about before, but you're right. For the most part, we don't look at people when we speak to them. And, I guess, that could be construed as being rude, couldn't it?

I suppose that a hearing person might take for granted that what they are saying is being understood, so therefore, they don't feel the need to make eye contact with the person to which they are speaking to?

Interesting to note, my parents are also hearing. However, I believe they are both slooooooowly going deaf or HOH. My Dad is particularly HOH, at times. Because I know this, I always look at them when I speak to them. This is also something I never thought about before. It's just something I've done.

Interesting.

Thank you for making this thread. This definitely gave me something to ponder.

Mucho glacias! Fly

[CoolieFroggie]

Remeber.... Hearing depend with the ears, listening, hear, everything related with the ear, they don't want bother to use thier eyes, They will think (Why I should use my eyes to have a eye contact, you hear me and i hear you..) I know it's really COMPETELY rude.. but I do have hard time to read the lip if they don't eye contact with me i was like.. excuse me, can u say it again if they don't do, then i start bitch and sign pen and paper being rude with them.

Sometime they don't want to bother stare and stare.... they think it's way to polite to not stare too much. but still it's gotta to eye contact no matter what.

[Fly Free]

Originally Posted by Oceanbreeze

Oh, LOOKIE!! I'm the first one to respond to this!!

*ahem* Seriously, Fly...

yea Ocean i was thinking that when i was standing in line and was like uhmm -- what if they were out on a DATE and not showing that the person is actually paying attention to the date or not

good question -- id be interested to hear what the other hearie members here would comment to that question u had commented

how would u feel that they might be slowly losing their hearing qq could there be a possibility that they might be "selectively" hearing qq

Interesting.

Thank you for making this thread. This definitely gave me something to ponder.

Mucho glacias! Fly

no plm Ocean!!!!

[Fly Free]

Originally Posted by CoolieFroggie

Remeber.... Hearing depend with the ears, listening, hear, everything related with the ear, they don't want bother to use thier eyes, They will think (Why I should use my eyes to have a eye contact, you hear me and i hear you..) I know it's really COMPETELY rude.. but I do have hard time to read the lip if they don't eye contact with me i was like.. excuse me, can u say it again if they don't do, then i start bitch and sign pen and paper being rude with them.

Sometime they don't want to bother stare and stare.... they think it's way to polite to not stare too much. but still it's gotta to eye contact no matter what.

yea i know the hearies are taught not to "stare" as are us deafies too -- to me if u are in a converstation with someone it wouldnt be a "stare" i dont think

waits to see what other hearies has to say abt this too -- good thought Coolie!

[Oceanbreeze]

Originally Posted by Fly Free

no plm Ocean!!!!

how would u feel that they might be slowly losing their hearing qq could there be a possibility that they might be "selectively" hearing qq

Well, Dad is going deaf. He has trouble hearing a lot of things in various situations, so I know it's not just "selective" hearing. (ignoring me, for the hell of it )

My mom, however, is another story. She has a habit of "selectively hearing" things when she just doesn't want to be bothered. Of course, I'm also guilty of the same thing!

[Fly Free]

Originally Posted by Oceanbreeze

Well, Dad is going deaf. He has trouble hearing a lot of things in various situations, so I know it's not just "selective" hearing. (ignoring me, for the hell of it )

My mom, however, is another story. She has a habit of "selectively hearing" things when she just doesn't want to be bothered. Of course, I'm also guilty of this, myself, too!

ahh gotcha Ocean -- that would make sense thanks!

[Tarafied]

Well, it really is considered rude to not make eye contact with someone as you are having a conversation. But in informal situations, it happens quite often.

My hubby and I sit back-to-back at our computers and have a conversation without looking up. Or if we're watching TV, we may comment on the program without looking at each other.

The relationship you have with a person (and topic of conversation) makes all the difference whether it's rude or not. In speaking with anyone other than a close friend or relative, I would consider it rude to not make eye contact. Or if you're having a serious conversation with anyone, you should make eye contact.

[bbnt]

us hearies don't look at the people were talking too because most people are just to damn ugly to look at

[Taylor]

This is a funny thread as you are absolutely right and I never noticed people doing that before.

In my situation, it depends on the social situation. With people that I know very well, I'll look them in the eye at the start of the conversation and occasionally throughout the entire conversation. If a stranger comes up to me, I will have more eye contact with them.

Something to note, and I don't know if its most hearies or just me, but I'm very observant as to what is happening in the room around me. While I may not make eye contact with you, its because I'm watching the door....or the guy up front reaching into his jacket. I've always been like this and it isn't a police thing. When I'm in a conversation and I"m making 'eye contact' in most cases, I'm watching over your shoulder This is one thing that will prove difficult for me when chatting with the deaf.

[Levonian]

The simplest and most fundamental answer to your question is that hearing people use prolonged eye contact to indicate sexual attraction. Hearing people have a very complicated set of well understood but unwritten rules concerning how eye contact is made and how long it is maintained. Even a slight deviation from these rules can lead to a socially uncomfortable situation. For this reason, hearing people must break eye contact regularly throughout a conversation in order to adhere to these rules. Among hearing people, prolonged eye contact is either interpreted as sexual attraction, or it is considered weird.

[Reba]

Originally Posted by Levonian

The simplest and most fundamental answer to your question is that hearing people use prolonged eye contact to indicate sexual attraction. Hearing people have a very complicated set of well understood but unwritten rules concerning how eye contact is made and how long it is maintained. Even a slight deviation from these rules can lead to a socially uncomfortable situation. For this reason, hearing people must break eye contact regularly throughout a conversation in order to adhere to these rules. Among hearing people, prolonged eye contact is either interpreted as sexual attraction, or it is considered weird.

Very good points. Also, prolonged eye contact among hearies can also be perceived as a sign of aggression or domination. A good example is during an interrogation.

I am basically a very shy hearing person, so eye contact for me is not natural. I have to force myself to maintain eye contact with deafies. It is not easy.

I was taught that "staring" was rude. It is hard to undo that training.

[Oceanbreeze]

Originally Posted by Reba

Very good points. Also, prolonged eye contact among hearies can also be perceived as a sign of aggression or domination. A good example is during an interrogation.

I am basically a very shy hearing person, so eye contact for me is not natural. I have to force myself to maintain eye contact with deafies. It is not easy.

I was taught that "staring" was rude. It is hard to undo that training.

Absolutely, Reba. I also have some "issues" that makes looking someone directly in the eye very uncomfortable for me. Usually, I have to force myself to look at someone directly in the eye (except my parents). Usually, when I am talkng to someone, I will put my head down, or I will look away from them after a few minutes. I've also been known to look past someone by looking at the wall behind them rather than looking at the person themselves.

It's not something that is meant to be rude. It's that looking at someone in the eye when I talk to them is very difficult for me.

[Reba]

Originally Posted by Oceanbreeze

...It's not something that is meant to be rude. It's that looking at someone in the eye when I talk to them is very difficult for me.

I agree. I guess that I am too sensitive. I feel like when I look into people's eyes that I can see into their souls, and they can see into mine. I prefer to keep my soul private.

[Tousi]

It appears to boil down to personal space for many and for those in close proximity in a line as to whether or ont they've brushed their teeth! LOL!

[Codger]

Originally Posted by Reba

Very good points. Also, prolonged eye contact among hearies can also be perceived as a sign of aggression or domination. A good example is during an interrogation.

I am basically a very shy hearing person, so eye contact for me is not natural. I have to force myself to maintain eye contact with deafies. It is not easy.

I was taught that "staring" was rude. It is hard to undo that training.

I had not really thought a lot about this. I have spent most of my life in the hearing world. I do not have a dominating personality, and tended to avoid people who had to be in my face while talking to me, bored holes in my head with their eyes during a conversation, felt like it was O.K. to always be touching me. This is all, to me at least, very agressive behavior. Sexual, social, whatever. I know many species of animals will attack or retreat based on whether of not you stare into their eyes. Like Reba and many others, I was taught that staring was rude.

Then there is the thing "don't think about an elephant". Remember that one? Best illustration is a movie I saw where an actress had a huge mole on her face. Our hero found himself repeatedly refering to that mole throughout their conversation. Lol!

As I think about this subject, I can see how my prior behavior has changed with me loosing my hearing. I do tend to try to get people to face me and look me in the eye when we are trying to communicate. I can no longer catch small nuances in their voice that change the meaning of their words. A lot of that, as you well know, shows up in facial expressions and even with stone faces, in their eyes. And I never before noticed how many people talk without moving their lips! Ahhh... but the eyes are a horse of a different color!

[Oceanbreeze]

Originally Posted by Reba

I agree. I guess that I am too sensitive. I feel like when I look into people's eyes that I can see into their souls, and they can see into mine. I prefer to keep my soul private.

You and me, both! Especially with certain people. There are people that I think can look directly to the core of my being and see things I don't want them to see. That just scares the living daylights out of me. There are things that I just don't want people to know about me.

It's very difficult when you think someone can just look at you, and tell what you're thinking or feeling, or they can look at you, and tell something about you.

Umm, no thanks...I steer clear of those types of people. In fact, I run very fast in the opposite direction!

I hate feeling like I'm .

[Fly Free]

some of u really have some good points on to why hearies dont look at the person while conversing -- i dont see how looking at a person would be perceived as a sexual come on or anything like that if in a converstation

Originally Posted by Reba

I agree. I guess that I am too sensitive. I feel like when I look into people's eyes that I can see into their souls, and they can see into mine. I prefer to keep my soul private.

ive heard of that -- "the eyes are the windows to the soul" -- i can agree to that as the eyes of a person shows what they can be like in a sense

ANOTHER question for u hearies! what abt the touching thing -- deafies ALWAYS tend to *tapping shoulders* many hearies ive noticed do not like that -- whats wrong with a lil *shoulder tapping* especially when trying to be polite and ask to get thru -- u get what im saying qq ive noticed hearies BALK at that and im like relax! im only trying to get ur attention no big deal! *step back*

[Y]

Originally Posted by Levonian

The simplest and most fundamental answer to your question is that hearing people use prolonged eye contact to indicate sexual attraction. Hearing people have a very complicated set of well understood but unwritten rules concerning how eye contact is made and how long it is maintained. Even a slight deviation from these rules can lead to a socially uncomfortable situation. For this reason, hearing people must break eye contact regularly throughout a conversation in order to adhere to these rules. Among hearing people, prolonged eye contact is either interpreted as sexual attraction, or it is considered weird.

Yeah, I would call this something like "Bedroomy eyes"
sexual prey thing...
I'm sure that most of you can tell the difference :-)

[Raging Quiet]

Originally Posted by Taylor

Something to note, and I don't know if its most hearies or just me, but I'm very observant as to what is happening in the room around me. While I may not make eye contact with you, its because I'm watching the door....or the guy up front reaching into his jacket. I've always been like this and it isn't a police thing. When I'm in a conversation and I"m making 'eye contact' in most cases, I'm watching over your shoulder This is one thing that will prove difficult for me when chatting with the deaf.

I must be weird then, becuase when I talk to people, I don't really make much eye contact and Im DEAF! Of course I look at the people Im talking to to check that they are still listening to me!

Then my glaze starts to wonder cos Im always aware of whats happening around the room

I am basically a very shy hearing person, so eye contact for me is not natural. I have to force myself to maintain eye contact with deafies. It is not easy.

Me too! Maybe thats why I can't keep eye contact for long. It was a problem for my exboyfriend (he was deaf too), he wanted me to stare at him in the eyes, but I couldnt hold contact for long, no surprise that we broke up

[Codger]

Originally Posted by Fly Free

ANOTHER question for u hearies! what abt the touching thing -- deafies ALWAYS tend to *tapping shoulders* many hearies ive noticed do not like that -- whats wrong with a lil *shoulder tapping* especially when trying to be polite and ask to get thru -- u get what im saying qq ive noticed hearies BALK at that and im like relax! im only trying to get ur attention no big deal! *step back*

Hmmm... well touching to get someone's attention is different that reaching out and touching during a conversation. Like when a guy puts his hand an your shoulder while talking to you or grabs you by the arm as if to prevent you from fleeing. I worked with deafies years ago, and their touching was different. Like you tapping on someone's shoulder to ask to be let past in a crowded situation. Or simply to get their attention to ask a question. That make sense?

[Oceanbreeze]

Originally Posted by Fly Free

some of u really have some good points on to why hearies dont look at the person while conversing -- i dont see how looking at a person would be perceived as a sexual come on or anything like that if in a converstation



ive heard of that -- "the eyes are the windows to the soul" -- i can agree to that as the eyes of a person shows what they can be like in a sense

ANOTHER question for u hearies! what abt the touching thing -- deafies ALWAYS tend to *tapping shoulders* many hearies ive noticed do not like that -- whats wrong with a lil *shoulder tapping* especially when trying to be polite and ask to get thru -- u get what im saying qq ive noticed hearies BALK at that and im like relax! im only trying to get ur attention no big deal! *step back*

On the face of it, nothing, Fly. In fact, I'm very affectionate. However, I also don't like to be touched very much. Again for me, it goes back to a comfort issue. If I'm comfortable with a person, I'll allow them to touch me, but if not, no. There have been people who've caught me off gaurd, and have gotten a nasty surprise when I've nearly broken one of their ribs!

So, basically....Tread very carefully with me until you truly know me. I give very few people free reign to say or do whatever the hell they want. Very few people.

[Fly Free]

Originally Posted by Codger

Hmmm... well touching to get someone's attention is different that reaching out and touching during a conversation. Like when a guy puts his hand an your shoulder while talking to you or grabs you by the arm as if to prevent you from fleeing. I worked with deafies years ago, and their touching was different. Like you tapping on someone's shoulder to ask to be let past in a crowded situation. Or simply to get their attention to ask a question. That make sense?

*tapping on shoulder* for me usually means i just want to get past or ask a question right Codger -- sometimes ppl just give me such an attitude im like whoa its nothing to it cuz its restricted only to shoulder on back not shoulder in front cuz i would have considered that type to be rude behavior unless ofc if it happened to be a VERY TALL male or female (over 6'5 or something) then in that case i would tap on the upper arm as politely as i can considering my height at 4'11

[Fly Free]

Originally Posted by Oceanbreeze

On the face of it, nothing, Fly. In fact, I'm very affectionate. However, I also don't like to be touched very much. Again for me, it goes back to a comfort issue. If I'm comfortable with a person, I'll allow them to touch me, but if not, no. There have been people who've caught me off gaurd, and have gotten a nasty surprise when I've nearly broken one of their ribs!

So, basically....Tread very carefully with me until you truly know me. I give very few people free reign to say or do whatever the hell they want. Very few people.

what if it was a deafie who was being politely tapping on shoulder to the back to get ur attention or to ask if they could get thru if in a crowded location q

im quite curious to hear the hearies' perspectives on those little cultural differences that may not have been noticed all too much generally unless one actually took the time to consider the differences and their norms in behaviors in their cultural ways u know what i mean Ocean q

[Oceanbreeze]

Originally Posted by Fly Free

what if it was a deafie who was being politely tapping on shoulder to the back to get ur attention or to ask if they could get thru if in a crowded location q

im quite curious to hear the hearies' perspectives on those little cultural differences that may not have been noticed all too much generally unless one actually took the time to consider the differences and their norms in behaviors in their cultural ways u know what i mean Ocean q

LOL Well, yeah. I have been "snuck up on" before. Had someone come up behind me, and tap me on the shoulder. Scared the living life out of me, but no blood was spilled.

I'm just a very skiddish type person. But, all kidding and joking aside, I'd probably turn around and see it was that person, and figure out what they needed. (after my heart went back to a normal rythym )

[Fly Free]

gotcha -- if i noticed i had scared the hearie unintentionally i would apologize my scaring him/her and be sure that the person is ok then ask kindly if i could get thru or ask a question

[Oceanbreeze]

Originally Posted by Fly Free

gotcha -- if i noticed i had scared the hearie unintentionally i would apologize my scaring him/her and be sure that the person is ok then ask kindly if i could get thru or ask a question

Right. I think, Fly. What you are driving at with this is about being polite. There's a lot that can be said for how hearies react to deafies. I have my idiosyncracies for sure, but when it really comes down to it, I would do my best to make a deafie feel comfortable around me. If something I did bothered a deaf person, and i was aware of it, I would do my best to change that behavior.

What it's really about, I think, is inclusion. I am sure there's a lot of segregation in society, and if we all just do the little extra things to make each other feel more comfortable, we'd probably all be better for it.

[Fly Free]

*nodding* in agreement Ocean -- i agree there IS alot of segretation in society altho its not often realized but its true if we did take a serious look around and notice the clusters of certain sociological groups and language shared

[Oceanbreeze]

Originally Posted by Fly Free

*nodding* in agreement Ocean -- i agree there IS alot of segretation in society altho its not often realized but its true if we did take a serious look around and notice the clusters of certain sociological groups and language shared

True, but you know..It's a two-sided thing. We all have to get along, and it gonna take both a willingness on the part of the hearing and the deaf to figure out what works for them, so that each person can coexist.

I'm a very flexible person. Granted, there's a bit of communication barrier, because, my signing and finger spelling ability TRULY sucks , but that can be worked out. My point is, if the willingness to get along is there, anything can be worked through.

[signer16]

Originally Posted by Levonian

The simplest and most fundamental answer to your question is that hearing people use prolonged eye contact to indicate sexual attraction. Hearing people have a very complicated set of well understood but unwritten rules concerning how eye contact is made and how long it is maintained. Even a slight deviation from these rules can lead to a socially uncomfortable situation. For this reason, hearing people must break eye contact regularly throughout a conversation in order to adhere to these rules. Among hearing people, prolonged eye contact is either interpreted as sexual attraction, or it is considered weird.

Soooo true! Since learning sign language and being a lot more involved with deaf people and deaf culture I have made more of an effort to make eye contact. Most hearing people see almost no eye contact as someone being shy and a lot of eye contact as someone being confident. I am a fairly confident person to begin with, but as some deaf had commented on my lack of eye contact, I worked more at it. However, it made the hearing people I was around very uncomfortable, especially people older than me. Some saw it as threatning their authority or a sexual advance.