MandyCare

Hi everyone I have a problem with my partner's son who has been living with me for 18 months. His father is away most of the time. Son is 18... I have a rule that he has to text me when he is coming home or is in the house so I know someone is there. Last week I found he was home for four hours without telling me. I felt so violated and unsafe.

Now I find the light on he hasn't told me yet again. Two reasons this is frustrating. First reason - If he isn't home i dress more relaxed leave the bathroom door open etc and I leave my hearing aids to be able to relax and unwind.

I have been trying to explain to my partner who is hearing and the son what it is like not to feel safe in your own home. Also why its so important to tell me if they are home.

Please help me to explain it to them. I have been trying to find articles to explain this.

Deafness

__________________
This advertising will not be shown in this way to registered members.
Register your free account today and become a member on AllDeaf.com

Bottesini

Get yourself to a psychiatrist for all this anxiety, and learn to be more proactive in your own feelings of safety.

If the kid lives there too, there is no reason you need to make him feel like an intruder.

And put some clothes on!

__________________

GrendelQ

That last point:


Have to agree with this -- it's his home, too, right? He's not a guest who ought to knock and be let in.

__________________

lovezebras

Sorry but I kind of agree with bott. Your partners son shouldn't feel like someone invited over for dinner. He lives there ...there isn't really a reason you should feel uncomfortable with your partners son in your house. And if it bothers you thy much than obviously you shouldn't have anyone living in your house. I don't rink your issue is a safety issue at all seeing as he hasn't attacked you and if you would rather walk around half naked than obviously you aren't ready to share your home with other people.

MandyCare

he stays at his mothers as well I never know when he is coming over...

lovezebras

So doesn't matter If he's part time one place and part time another. The main thing is that he does indeed live there and have a room and key to get I'm therefore he doesn't need to declare himself just to be let in the house or go to his room...

Reba

I think as common family courtesy, the son should let Mandy know when he comes and goes. Or is such courtesy not common anymore? Maybe family members don't greet each other or say good-byes now.

It's also common sense for Mandy to put clothing on and shut the bathroom door. Just good habits to develop regardless of who is there or not.

__________________

Tell us the truth about Benghazi!

MandyCare

I have no problem him coming home, i do have a problem not knowing if someone is in the house. Then finding out later, its a horrible feeling. If I was hearing I would hear him come in the door. Thats my angst. So a text is a way of letting me know.

lovezebras

Well a 18 years old and her being not even a stepmom because it sounds like they aren't married I don't think that it is a huge issue. I never told my moms bf when he lived with us where I was going and when I was coming home. It wasn't any of his business ...

Reba

What about putting some kind of sensors on your doors that would let you know when they are unlocked and opened? That might be a good general security step to take regardless of the son situation.

dereksbicycles

I would think if the son plans to stay for a said amount of time to let know. Say, I'll be here from September 13 to September 17. That is good enough. No need to text, I am in bedroom. I am going to shower. So if son is in from September 13 to September 17, accommodate him the best you can.

MandyCare

Its my place and I allowed him to stay with me as he was having issues with his mother. His father isnt home much, he travels for work for weeks on end. I was happy to help out for a couple of months it has now been 18 months. I am only asking for communication when someone comes home.

LoveBlue

Even hearing people don't always hear when someone comes into the house or even walks up behind them.

I do think the son should make an effort to let Mandy know when he comes into the house (and when he leaves) as a common courtesy.

When my kids stay out past my bedtime, I leave a light on just outside my room that I can see when I'm awake. When they come home, they're to turn off the light (and 99% of the time they do). This way when I wake up during the night, I will know if they're home yet...so I don't have to worry about them nor have to get up to check.

Maybe Mandy can set up something thing like this. Dedicate and easy access light as the way to let her know when he is or is not in the house.

__________________
Severe-to-profound hearing loss in both ears.
SD @ 100db L-88% / R-96% - unaided
Phonak Naida IX UPs

Reba

You're right that their relationship does make a difference.

If Mandy moved into the dad and son's home, then I can see where the son would be less likely to announce his comings and goings.

If the dad and son moved into Mandy's home, then it almost puts the son more in a "guest" status, especially since he's there only part time.

whatdidyousay!

I hate to say this but do you think the guy isn't telling you he home so he can watch you get undress? If the son been living with you for over a year I really would not expect him to act any diffidence . I would tell your partner that his son has to move out and find his own apartment. Does the son help with buying food and help around the house or does he just use it as place to stuff his face and sleep? I think your partner is wrong in being gone most of the and expecting you babysit a 18 yo man. You really need to have a talk with your partner and made it very clear how you feel and if he and his son does not respect your feeling , you should have them both move out. You do not have to explain yourself anymore than you already had. Your partner and his son should be the one to explaining to you why they're not respecting your feeling. If it was me I would just tell the son to move out, you're not dating him and he is not your responsibly.

MandyCare

sensors are a great idea, the cat will drive me crazy with that! I think it is retraining and retraining the son he needs to communicate! Was just thinking a hanging item on the door - allowing each other to know someone is home. Its fair and equitable. However he does have hearing and can tell when I am home.

MandyCare

he is moving out soon. My challenge is how do I educate my partner and his son that I need to feel safe at home. In the beginning my partner came home I wouldn't hear him, he suddenly appear in the kitchen. I screamed! So I need to know someone is in the space. I relax if I know they are there. To suddenly see someone there is frightening.

GrendelQ

Good plan, makes more sense than expecting a teenager to text each time he walks in and out of the place he thinks of as his home. And then you don't have to worry about where to stash your cell phone when you are walking around undressed.

Or clear the air and let him know that he's not welcome to consider it his home, guest rules apply (and cc: his traveling dad).

__________________

MandyCare

I like the light suggestion, that I can implement this weekend. Thank you now I can get some sleep!

whatdidyousay!

WRONG ! The OP is letting the guy live in her house , she is being very nice and she could had said "NO" to the son. He is 18 yo and legally he can live on his own. His dad is leaving his son most of the day with his HOH partner . When I was married my step son wanted to live me me and his dad. I told my stepson my rules as it was my condo . My stepson did not like the fact that he had to get a job not bring any drugs into my house and go to rehab. He moved out two days later. The OP is not asking the guy to knock he is telling him to let him know when he is coming home. The OP has the rights to take a shower and not worried if someone is watching her.

LoveBlue

Emergency | Alarm Notification System | Silent Call - Silent Call Signature Series Trans MATTer

Just an idea.

__________________
Severe-to-profound hearing loss in both ears.
SD @ 100db L-88% / R-96% - unaided
Phonak Naida IX UPs

whatdidyousay!

I totally understand how you feel. And I thought that is what is going on. I have seen this happen so many times. Someone let their partner's teenage kid move in for a 'few months' and the kid end up staying for years . I am with you 100% and don't listen to what everyone else is saying. You should feel safe in your house at any time of the day and not have to worry leaving the door open while taking a shower. I really think you need to tell your partner that his son has to go live with his mother or find another place. The son has overstayed waaay too long. And remind your partner that you said his son could stay for
"couple of months" not 18 months.

Anij

Wirelessly posted (Blackberry Bold )

Ok, I don't understand.
Why don't you just get a doorbell and attatch it to a signaller that will flash lights or "page" you whenever the dorbell rings. Then just ask everyone to Ring the bell as they enter the house (ie unlock the door, ring bell, walk in).

Even hearing people don't always hear prople moving around in a house ...

__________________
Hoh/Deaf ~ +120db deaf right , mild/mod flux left & APD
English & ASL ...PAH!!


Ignorance is NOT Bliss

tigersharkdude

agree with the OP to some extent. If you are home alone, he should definitely let you know he is there. If I am home alone, my mom knows to come and let me know someone else is in the house (dont want anyone to get hurt by me thinking there is an intruder in the house)

__________________

Jane B.

I think the part I have added the bold to is the true issue and the kid should be told about this. He might well understand better if he stops to think about it that way.

Frisky Feline

Did you talk to him directly?

GrendelQ

Yes, that's the case in my family, too. (Not that any of us would take the other out as an intruder but there's always a casual 'hey, I'm home, honey'). We always poke our heads in to wherever someone is and let them know we're off or just come in.

But I think the complication here is that she also wants privacy, and doesn't want him coming into her room or coming up behind her to say he's there or headed out to the backyard for a bit (especially if she's 'casually' clothed). Seems like she needs something at a distance. I really like the lights / light alarm approaches. Especially if there's a central place that she doesn't have to go out of her way to find.

__________________

BecLak

Wirelessly posted

It has to work both ways. There should be common courtesy on both sides. When having males in the house other than your partner, then modesty on your part should be expected. As for your partner's son, texting you when he gets home is courtesy on his part in any circumstance - it is simply co-inhabitance. Ie: my daughter always texts me whenever she gets home late from work, just so I don't have to wait up for her and not worry about whether she got home safely or not.



P.s. him being hearing, probably has not realized that texting is your way of communicating. He probably more than likely thought 'she can't hear so no point in calling out 'hey I'm home'.'

__________________
Severely deaf from birth.
Deaf with a Purpose. God designed me this way so I do everything by God's Grace.

Exodus 4:11 Ignorance is no longer bliss. Be Educated.

KEEP IN STEP WITH ME: Sign Text Email Pen and Paper

whatdidyousay!

What good is that going to when the OP is taking a shower???

I was trying to sell my condo and the realtor came over when I was taking a shower and I did not hear the door bell or knocking on the door and a flashing light would had been useless. I was just about to walk into my living and saw my door opening and I had to yell that I just came out of the shower.

whatdidyousay!

I disagree, it is the OP house and should be able feel comfortable in her own house! The OP said she only planning on having the son stay at HER house for 2 months not live there for 18 months. Her partner is taking advantaged
of her kindness. He allowing his son to stay there longer than agreed on and he having the OP babysit his son when he is gone most of the time. I would change the locks and say good riddance to both of the guys!