deafbajagal

Who is wrong?

He comes home at 1:00 a.m. from work (he works from 4 p.m. - 1 a.m.) and needs to unwind, which means he goes to bed at around 5 a.m. He unwinds by watching TV/movies with the lights on in the living room, kitchen, and hall. He wakes up at 1:30-2:00 p.m., gets dressed, and picks up the kids to bring them to the after-school center.

She works from 7:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. She cooks dinner, do basic housekeeping, take care of the kids, etc. until 9:30 p.m. Sometimes she tackles things related to work (grade papers, etc.) until 11:00 p.m. She's too tired and goes to bed. She wakes up at 1:00 a.m. because the lights in the house and the flickering of the TV (even though it is in a different room) keeps her up. She often wakes up between 2:00 a.m.-3:30 a.m., screaming from bad nightmares. He stays in the living room, watching TV.

She's up at 6:00 a.m. to get the kids and herself ready for school/work.

The pattern is causing her to be slep-deprived, thus becoming sick. She has asked him to at least turn off the lights or dim the lights. He says "No." He feels he needs to unwind. He must have the lights on because watching the TV in the dark makes him sleepy. She feels he needs to accommodate so she can get a full night's rest.

She has tried covering the door, sleeping pills, heat/ac/fan, and changing the diet to help her sleep. She has therapy to deal with the nightmares only to be told it would get worse before it gets better.

On weekends, she has to keep the kids extra quiet so he can get his sleep during the day. She feels he needs to make the same kind of accommodation to make sure she gets her sleep as well. She knows she needs to allow him to unwind.

Thoughts?

Deafness

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Jiro

oh dear oh dear.

let's see... it is unreasonable to have all lights on especially hallway so if he's really that hard-ass about having all lights on, then both of you should consider rearranging furnitures so that he gets all the light he wants in his spot while you get to sleep in peace with darkness. he should get a lamp that shines light at him too with same effect as hallway light.

if that simple suggestion is just too hard for him, then make a trip to Home Depot to buy door rubber seals to put it on all door frames like this -



and door seal bottom



these seals usually have sticky side where you can just attach it to the door. if not, you can either nail it or glue it. it's a very easy and cheap installation. but if that's bit troublesome, consider a thick drape over your door.

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TWA

Damn.

I don't think the real issue here is lights or television.

I have no advice, but I wish you the best.

naisho

We know who is wrong.

I have a couple of thoughts, might be a bit cheap.

1) Get him to buy some lower wattage bulbs? 35, 50W? Should be still enough for him to see.

2) LED bulbs - low wattage that can go in the same fixtures. They don't have as far of a luminescence range as regular or twisty bulbs, they are more one-directional rather than omni-directional. (No special equipment or stuff required)

MyNameIsNO

he right. your husband inconsiderate and insensitive. he sound selfish

rockin'robin

I was a night worker/night owl myself...stayed up until 5-6AM....did most of my housework at nights also. But had to stop the vacuuming and rearranging/redecorating at night due to the noise and my neighbors complaining about the noise.....

Slept until 11-12AM, and if anybody woke me up, I was a grouchy lady....

It's not easy when 2 people work different shifts.....and a lot of relationships/marriages fail because of it....Not an easy solution to remedy here....Some of the suggestions (especially Jiro's) might help....

mbrek

Successful relationships are two-way street. Both people need to bend and give in some of the time to work together. When one flat out refuses to do this, it's disrespectful of the union.

Aside from the underlying issues... I hope you can find a way to block out the light and get the sleep you need. If Jiro's suggestion doesn't work, maybe a sleeping mask?

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rockin'robin

I still use a sleeping mask. It works for me. And changing ur bulb wattage is a good idea also (and will save you a little $$ too)...On the weekends, my boys stay up very late. I don't mind, because I'd rather they be home than on the street....so I use my sleeping mask and at times have closed my door.

They (the boys) also close their doors, as the light bothers me, but with the sleeping mask on, it works to block out any light.

shel90

Why the need for all the lights to be on?What's wrong with just one?

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DeafCaroline

If I were the wife, I would sit down with the husband and say "look, you need to unwind after work and I need my sleep so I'm functional at 6am. What can we do to make sure we both get what we need?"

TWA

You know, I've thought about it, and I think I know what this is really about. He needs to have a space for himself, away from everyone else, where he can control every aspect of the environment. This is typical male territorial behavior. Basically, he needs a man cave.

Perhaps you could get one of those little sheds and put it in the backyard? Something could even be built if he is halfway handy with a hammer and nails. Might be a fun project for him. Equip with electricity and heating. Bam, he's all set. No more bugging everyone with his BS.

Jiro

a garage.

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Grummer

or garden shed its cheaper, also supply, noise insulation on the walls, have i big enough fro an arm chair and put in the 2nd TV (or 3rd) 14inch or 19in lcds... a table beside the chair for beer ...oh and a remote control on table for tv
his haven

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DeafCaroline

The man cave idea is a great one!

Bottesini

Buy a blackout curtain, and hang it inside the bedroom door so you will be oblivious to the light.

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deafbajagal

a doghouse?

deafbajagal

Done. The wife got this: "It is what it is. Take it or leave it. I'm never going to change. Not now, not in ten years."

Nice.

deafbajagal

Thanks for the responses, folks.

rockin'robin

Wow!...What an insinitive clod!...Since he's determined not to change...then looks like you're the one who's gonna have to remedy the situation...Good Luck!

deafbajagal

The worst part for me, honestly, is that I'm still struggling with coming to terms with something that has happened to me a few years ago...and I get really bad nightmares that I will wake up, thinking it's happening again...so I resent that he's in there watching TV instead of being with me. He said it is something I have to deal with on my own. So that's another reason I cannot sleep...it takes me a while to remember it's all over and I'm just dreaming/remembering. Whatever.

Nothing a little trip to the Home Depot can't fix, right?

Grummer

..and a witches coven too LOL

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Grummer

so...buy 2 sheds, build two 'caves' LMAO
sowwy Baja..you gotta laff at this one, ....and no its not funny that a situation you're having, how about a quick email to a relationship cousellor on the net? see what they come up with?...

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deafbajagal

Whatever.

naisho

I need to have another bro-talk with your dude sometime.

MyNameIsNO

i curious ask you, how long you married to him?

dereksbicycles

Ok, pardon me. I have never been married so I would not know.

However, I have sold a lot of stuffs. I have often told customers---- my price or you walk away. Most of time they walked away. I cannot blame a wife if she walks out when husband says my term or you go.

sequoias

The man cave idea is the best. He can wind down and do whatever he wants like a caveman.

DeafCaroline

ok, honestly? i would wait till he's sleeping then walk around making noises and flipping on and off switches. then he'll see why it's an issue.

sometimes people just don't get it till it happens to them too. like my ex for example. he didn't see what the big deal was, taking care of babies and keeping the house clean until one weekend, I went away and left him alone with two wee ones for 3 days.

He practically cried with relief when I returned and became much more involved in parenting and helping out with chores afterwards.

Frisky Feline

sometimes guys dont want to hear the other guys opinions or advices. it may leads to something else worst. maybe if the wife lets the husband know that if he might be interested in hearing the other guys' opinions if he says ok then all is good.

shel90

Well, do it right back at him and see how he feels. Disturb his sleep and if he complains, tell him to take like a man since you were told to take it like a man.

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