FadedRose

I cannot for the life of me get my husband to learn ASL. I am Oral Deaf but wish to use ASL. How did you get your Wife/Husband to learn ASL? What was the turning point? Did any marriages end over lack of communicating despite loving each other? Although I love my husband I sometimes do wonder if I'd be happier with a Deaf man. But I'm willing to grow old with this guy. He's only interested in learning the bad words and racial slurs in ASL. He likes to use the sign for flat nose to refer to an african american and would just laugh. This was just annoying and just down right rude for him to do. If he wants sex he'll do the crude uh, finger in hole sign from across the room....or the sign for condom.

c'mon now... I'm rolling my eyes typing this. He acts like no one else knows sign and it's just embarrassing when he does the crude signs in public thinking he's communicating with me only in some kind of morse code forgetting that ASL is actually offered as a college course.

He's young-29. So am I. Think he'll be doing the same when he's 40?

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mbrek

You love this guy? Racial slurs (even ASL), sex talk, and expletives?

He sounds like a self-centered jerk from your description. That type doesn't go out of their way to make life easy for others. Good luck.

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rebeccalj

Honestly do not know what to say to that.

dereksbicycles

Wow!! My girlfriend had often asked me if I would rather date a person who is deaf? Would I rather date a person who is fluent in ASL? I told her no. I alway told her how much I appreciate that she is working hard on learning ASL. I always told her I know that people have to start somewhere. I know you're getting better and better.

Believe it or not, but she looked into taking ASL class on her own. I did not ask her to take cclass. She is sooo excited to be taking ASL class in January. I did not have to motivate her. She is the one who always ask for ASL homework. Heck, she even has her Mom take class with her!!

So if a person has no self motivation to learn ASL to make a relationship work, then I wish them good luck. They have their work cut to make relationship work.

PowerON

Please encourage your husband to listen the loud music. In few years later, he will become deaf in no time and realize he need alternative communicate. Ta-da!

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TWA

Have you already tried having the intelligent kind of conversation where you explain that this is important to you and that you would really appreciate him learning? With the intelligent, caring men, this is usually all it takes. But you seem to have snagged yourself a good caveman (Congrats! ). In that case, the only way you can get him to sign is to refuse to communicate in any other way and refuse to give him what he wants until he agrees to gives you what you want. It's a risk to the health of the relationship, but if it's that important to you, then it's worth taking.

Or, you might compromise and offer that both of you take an ASL class together at the local community college?

KStiletto

He sounds like a real winner! Very immature. If he doesn't want to learn on his own without being told, then it's a lost cause. He's 29! Not 9.

FadedRose

I totally agree with all of the comments about my husband. It is true but he does have a soft side and is a teddy bear when he wants to be. I have had the "intelligent" discussion regarding learning ASL and he did seem to care and was willing to learn but "not now". He can be quite the jerk and has a very sharp tounge with wits to match but his immaturity at times is really annoying and he's only this way with me. He's a spineless creature with everyone else which to me is annoying. For the most part he's a decent guy but if he finds something amusing and knows it'll annoy me he'll do his best to annoy me. He's the kind of guy that will say whatever just to see my reaction but if he takes it too far he always says he's sorry. I'm used to dating or have been mainly with older men. The oldest being 30 when I was 19 so when I met my husband 8 years ago it took some time getting used to how immature he can be on some subjects. This isn't something he does on a daily basis. It's been well over a few months since he's even tried to sign with me. I quit pressing the issue and figured he'll learn when he's ready and really wants to.

Yes...I'm well aware I married an asshole. But he's a loving asshole although he can be quite the "kid" for the most part I only see that crap. He's mature around everyone else except me because he knows he can cut loose with me. We're best buds BUT it doesn't excuse how he decided to use his new vocabulary.

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FadedRose

you might compromise and offer that both of you take an ASL class together at the local community college?

He has been open to learning with me at the local community college just WHEN will he go is the pressing issue...

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FireTiger

Spend the money on it and go- or set a deadline

or abstain form some activity until there is a committed time to go?

not sure on this one...

FadedRose

I cannot force him thats obvious. I also created this thread for other married couples if there are any hearing/Deaf that had this same issue and to ask when did the hearing partner decide to learn asl for you? If not willing at first how did YOU get them to learn?

If the thread dies that's ok!

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VacationGuy234

If there are other people with whom you sign, sign with them when he is around. Eventually, he may get tired of being left out of the conversation.

Also, trying signing with him while you talk so he will get used to seeing the signs.

It's not a good arrangement and he should make an effort. Perhaps there is some other reason preventing him from learning like being dyslectic or something?

VacationGuy234

You know, it amazes me how married people ask for sex. Being a single, deaf, guy, it just makes my jaw drop.

FadedRose

I've never run into a married man that has indicated he'd like something more. Marriage to me is sacred and it's something that I don't feel that is respected enough. The ones you've run into are a shame and should not have married to begin with if they still act like they are single. When you marry it's no longer "me" or "I". It's "us", "we".

I'd like to hear more! I've been hit on by single men who were not aware I was married but never have I been bothered by a married man and single or not if one does show me attention I ignore them. Ah, yes window shopping is ok but that is all. Men do it all the time just don't touch! It's a no, no!

Have you had a married woman hit on you before? It sounds like it!

Best advice I can give is to run, and run as fast as you can in the other direction.

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FadedRose

As for the hubby learning ASL, he's an avid deer hunter and is always complaining when I tag along how loud I am. I sneaked in a "wanna learn ASL" comment and a little light bulb went off.



He's for using sign in the woods...it's a start.
He can finger spell and it's a start. We'll see how long it lasts oh, I bet until deer season ends. But there is always next year....

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whatdidyousay!

He is sound more like a racist if he only was to learn racist signs! I would not waste my time with the creep!

Jiro

does he sound anti-semitic too?

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BethTEHGreat

Just signs to him- he will pick it up somehow.

shel90

My hubby learned ASL by being around my deaf freinds and deaf roomates. My ex hubby refused to learn ASL when we were married. Ironically after we split up, his first girlfriend was an aspiring ASL terp and his ASL skills improved with her. Now, he is pretty fluent. Go figure, heh?

You have to ask yourself this...how important is it to you for him to learn ASL?

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SilentRider

Hey, I don't blame u for hoping your ex woulId learn ask out of love. See now he's probably only now learning when it got into his head he can earn $$ as a interpter. It was for money so yeah .. true colors eh?

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VamPyroX

If it really is a problem for you, then you need to have a serious one-on-one talk with him and explain that it would really help if he would learn sign language for you.

I'm hard-of-hearing and some people consider me oral since I talk with hearing people and sign with deaf people. I can hear well, but I don't expect to hear well for the rest of my life. That's why I would rather have a deaf woman as a wife who signs.

I do have deaf friends who dated hearing people, but at the end... it usually didn't work out. I do know where deaf/hearing relationships actually end up working out... when the hearing person is a CODA.

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shel90

no, he is not an interpreter. If anything, he is more likely to be a Spanish/English translitator than an ASL terp.

He just got motivated to learn from his first ex girlfriend who was hearing so that was the irony. That was 10 years ago.

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SneakerNet

Come to think of it, communications between the two love one, either verbally or ASL, if they speak equally, they are in a deep comfort zone, no miscommunication, misinterpretation and they can speak/sign fluently and bring bonding closer together. Here's the picture below:

Hearing to Hearing using verbal communication:
Sitting in the family room watching TV with fire
Woman: Ahh, the fire is beautiful, it's so nice and warm (she snuggle closer to her beau)
Man: Yeah, you know what, it's so nice to have you around together. I really enjoyed it.
Woman: Me too! (they hugged togther)

ASL user to ASL user:
Sitting in the family room watching TV with fire
Woman: Ahh, the fire is beautiful, it's so nice and warm (she snuggle closer to her beau)
Man: Yeah, you know what, it's so nice to have you around together. I really enjoyed it.
Woman: Me too! (they hugged together)

ASL user to non-ASL user:
Sitting in the family room watching TV with fire
Woman: (signed) Ahh, the fire is beautiful, it's so nice and warm (she snuggle closer to her beau)
Man: (voice and waving her) what? say again!
Woman: (she repeated again trying to use her horrible voice slowly along with signing)
Man: Oh Oh yeah, you know what, it's so nice to have you around together. I really enjoyed it.
Woman: (signed) again, say again.
Man: (voice) Ahh.. yeah, fire is really nice.
Woman: It's perfect night.
Man: (waving at her) Mmmm?
Woman: (dreaming: sigh I wish he learn to sign) (voice and sign) Nice!
Man: Ahh..got it (thumbed up)
They turned their head back to TV

Can you all see the big differences? The more they miscommunicate, the shorter it get. Which is very common.

So, if he or she does not want to learn sign, this is what you will get for the rest of the life, in this kind of communication above.

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VacationGuy234

Oh yea, I've been hit on by married women. Come to think of it, I wonder if my hearing played a role it it?

Back on topic: If you take this particular case of a married couple that can't decide on using ASL, how can the deaf community expect the entire hearing world to adopt it. If you can't get your husband to do it, how are you going to get the stranger down the street to do it. You can call people audist until your tongue falls out, but it isn't going to change anything.

Steinhauer

I accidentally ran into a local group of ASL teachers by Town Center Mall. They saw my wife and I signing - she is deaf, I am HoH. I have their business card somewhere - would you like the info?

VacationGuy234

No, I have a better group of people right here that will give me better answers.

TWA

You're married?

mbrek

^^^Shoot, even I knew that.

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shel90

illegally married



Just kidding.

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SneakerNet

No, he's Mormon.

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