ladysolitary85

If I was in NY I'd hang with you I have no one in my area really that understands what its like.

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Severe loss in left
Profound loss in right

Deafness

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shel90

As someone whe grew up orally deaf, I dated and was in a marriage with someone who didnt sign. Didnt have great experiences with those dates nor with my marriage. I learned ASL and vowed never be involved with hearing men again but then again what I really meant with a non-signer. At the time I didnt realize what I was thinking. Now, I am married for the 2nd time to a hearing man but he is moderately fluent in ASL and it is so much easier.

I was a great lipreader but it required more work on my part than on my ex husband's to maintain clear communication. It felt like the burden was on me because I could speak so well so therefore I should be able hear just as well. Many people, especially my ex husband, couldnt understand that so a lot of miscommunication and blaming went on. I blamed myself and hated myself.

Now, I recognized that the burden shouldnt be all on me...if the hearing person wants to be in a relationship with a deaf person, then they should take on some of the willingness to accodomate to meet the deaf person's needs.

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"Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it."

--- Anonymous

glickchick

Hi everyone!

Thanks for all the comments. An update - earlier this week, i went out on my first date since becoming deaf.

It was with a guy from school who i had a class with last year. We weren't exactly friends, but acquaintances, and we had spoken a few times outside of class. He's actually pretty good friends with a friend of mine, and he had asked her about me, since he hasn't seen me often around campus (not sure why - as big as University of Michigan is, it's small at the same time - everyone knows everyone lol). Their conversation progressed, and my friend let him know about my new deafness, which he wasn't aware of. He asked her for my number and then texted me. We spoke for a day or two via text and IM, and finally made plans to meet at a restaurant right near campus.

I think it went really well. I brought a pad and paper (as I usually do), and addressed my deafness right from the start. I was definitely nervous, as I have been going voice-off (personal choice - can't stand not knowing what i am saying and/or how I sound - weird phobia I can't seem to shake), but he seemed to understand me just fine, and only asked me to repeat myself a few times. I told him that I was going to try to read his lips and that he should just talk normally. He did, and for the most part, I was able to understand him. There were a few times where we had to resort to the pad/paper, but it wasn't too bad. We talked about everything from school to sports to the news, and everything in between. He did ask me how I was coping with adjusting to my hearing loss, and I gave him the honest answer of "as good as I can be expected to be". He even offered to attend ASL classes with me so that we can learn together, which I thought was a super good sign. At the end of our date, i felt like a regular girl, which is what I am striving for. We did make plans for date # 2, which is going to happen next week after thanksgiving.

So overall it felt good, even with the communication challenges. We'll see where it goes - and i will definitely keep everyone posted!

-Lauren

shel90

You are off to a good start!

I found that if I am upfront with my deafness and my needs, about half of the hearing people I meet are usually accodomating and very understanding.

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"Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it."

--- Anonymous

glickchick

Yep - It definitely went better than I expected! I also find that when I tell people about my deafness they do try to help and accommodate my needs too.

-Lauren

TWA

Two things I saw in what you described stood out as warnings:

1) If he's known (of) you for over a year now, why did he wait until he found out you had become deaf to ask you out? Perhaps things just came together at that time, but I would ask him this for yourself when the time is right.

2) It's very sweet that he offered to take ASL classes with you, but I am a little surprised he said this on the first date. Learning ASL just to the point where it is an effective communication aid is a big commitment. Perhaps his overture is genuine, but just be aware that many hearing men have used this line on deaf women: "I'll learn ASL for you!" because they know it's what the woman wants to hear, even though they have no real intention of following through. This forum is rife with stories like that.

But it's definitely a good thing that you "felt like a regular girl" at the end of the date. In the end, always trust your instincts. Good luck!

dereksbicycles

I was at U of M last month with my girlfriend going to a football game. Glad to see things seem to go well at U of M.

glickchick

Yeah, him offering to ASL so early is a little odd, but maybe it's just his way of showing that he's into me. As far as him waiting till he knew I was deaf to ask me out, he actually didn't know about my hearing loss until after he asked my friend for my number.

I guess I still find it really, really odd that there are people who are specifically attracted to others BECAUSE of their deafness!

-Lauren

glickchick

Nice! U of M is awesome isn't it?

shel90

I have to echo TWA's concerns because I have seen that happen to few of my deaf friends when they have met a hearing guy who were all into learning ASL for them only to end up not learning at all.

It is a serious commitment. ASL is completely different from English.

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"Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it."

--- Anonymous

Jazzberry

I'm wondering ... is it possible that a lot of hearing people don't realize what they are saying when they say they will learn ASL?

Perhaps they don't realize how much of an effort it really takes?

So perhaps the intentions are good -- just naive?

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I was a mainstreamed "solitaire". I'm currently learning ASL. My hearing loss ranges from moderate to profound; my audiogram and speech discrimination are posted here.

shel90

That is most likely....

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"Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it."

--- Anonymous

dereksbicycles

Yeah, U of M is awesome. My girlfriend and I both have family member that either went or are currently enrolled at U of M.

TWA

Oh, I see. The way you wrote out the sequence of events implied that he asked for your number after your friend told him you became deaf. Glad we got that cleared up, because, yeah, people who are attracted to deaf people because they are deaf are just plain creepy. Good to know that's not the case here.

As for the ASL. He may have said it just to let you know he cared and supported you. But following-through on that is what matters, and going to classes is time consuming and requires a lot of work. Why not start teaching him yourself the ASL you already know? Even basic stuff like fingerspelling and signs for yes/no and want/don't want will be very valuable. Also, it's a very fun date activity.

Good luck!

glickchick

For sure. We'll see how it works out!

whitemok

wow very interesting...
Hawaii is different.
-c

whitemok

Hawaii is different...

howag

Is Hawaii different?

mbrek

^^^I've read that Hawaii is different...

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