ladysolitary85

So.... I kinda feel the need to vent a little about my relationship so please, bare with me I just need to let it out k?

I have been in a 6 yr relationship with a hearing guy.... we were actually engaged until recently.

He has just received some bad news on his health problems (that is life-threatening).. and has decided he doesn't want a relationship at this point in time.... that he doesn't want to be a burden towards me later on. There is still more to the story though.

He is starting to feel fed up with repeating himself to me, telling me I don't listen and it tears me up because I try, I try to read his lips I try to listen but even with my hearing aid right now, I'm dealing with some kind of blockage in my ear (which I've already posted about that) so I'm already dealing with depression on that. This is me, this is who I am going to be and he can't seem to accept that.

So, still being on a year lease with him... we're as of right now just friends.... it hurts, I don't know how to feel exactly. One min he could be acting all happy and then the next cold and reminding me that we're single... or rather "complicated".

I know there is only two options for me here... I either wait and hope he comes to his senses or I let go, move on and remain his friend but only that. I'm not exactly sure which is the right choice for me... but I already feel the change.

Sorry if I seem like a downer with loads of baggage here but I just needed to vent.

Deafness

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DeafCaroline

My own sister once told me that the reason she never invited me to her parties was because "it's too hard." She wanted to be able to have a good time instead of worrying about whether I was being left out. It was very sad to hear this coming from my own family.

Some people, even the ones who love you, will just never get used to it and will always perceive your deafness as laborious on their part.

I understand your pain. I've had boyfriends like that too. One once ridiculed me when I pronounced a word wrong in French - you know what I mean? They mimic you in an ugly fashion. I showed him the door.

Honestly? I advise you to move on and find someone who will not see you as "work". I am sorry to hear that he's having health problems but that is no reason to subject you to his constant mood swings that leaves you feeling that you're a burden to him. It's not a good feeling and who wants to live with that on a daily basis? You only have one life, don't waste it being miserable.

Beach girl

I'm so sorry. Unfortunately, I agree with Caroline.

Is your guy at all willing to go to counseling with you? Has he had anyone other than you to talk with about his own health problems?

It's a lot for him to deal with too, but if he's willing to cut you out of his life, then there's no reason for you to hang around.

rockin'robin

Was he treating you good & kind before he found out he had life-threatening problems?....If so...then he's going thru a depression himself....the same as you are....

The anger, insults, etc., just might not actually be "aimed" at you...he's angry that he's sick and taking it out to the one that is closest to him....

Then again, he could be playing with ur emotions, being a manpulative, controlling and emotional abuser....(been thru that myself)....it's hell on earth!

Both of you guys have a year lease on the apt.?....That's a problem in itself.....I would talk with the Landlord to see if there is any way you can get out of the lease, such as forfeiting your deposit or paying 2 months extra rent....and find urself another roomate or a small apt.

2 depressed people living together isn't good...I think you need time apart. Don't let the man drag you down, be strong and do what's best for urself....and the bottom line is, only you know whether you would be better off with him or without him.

ladysolitary85

Caroline, thanks its nice to know someone knows how it feels...

Beach, he is going to see a councilor for his problems.... he thinks hes crazy emotionally (bi-polar) and I brought to his attention at times emotionally abusive when he doesn't realize it. So he is seeking help on that.... for himself though.

Robin, to be honest, staying here awhile longer just to pay my hearing aid off and save up for a lease elsewhere would be ideal for me right now. I don't want to screw him over, even though I'm feeling jerked around in this. I'm terrified though, I've never been on my own. I know what to do but I want to be realistic about it. As far as treating me good, he does but my hearing has always been an argument between us.

I'm just trying to figure out the easiest way to let this year lease (actually ends in Jan or Feb) go by smoothly. I do have a spare bedroom.... at least I'll have a escape in a sense.

ladysolitary85

I just need to go relax is what I need to do. Figure out who I am again. Get out and try new hobbies. Its kinda hard when you lose yourself for that long.

dereksbicycles

As for the lease, maybe find a roommate to help foot the bill until it ends? I know, I had some good and bad roommates. Worth a try....

As for me, my girlfriend has bordline personality disorder and was diagnosed with clinical depression about a decade ago. We're going through a hard time the 2 of us. I sympathy with you. When she is depressed, it makes me depressed. When I am depressed, she is depressed. She has told me that we cannot have a relationship if I've a low self esteem. The sad thing is that she is right. Therefore, I'm working right now to improve my self esteem and make change in my life for the best for myself and hopefully my girlfriend and me. I'm trying to hang in there.

So try to hang in there.

Smithtr

I hear sorry you feeling emotional hard tough pretty complication!

ladysolitary85

Yea its definitely hard, I could try to see if we can get a temp roommate.. thanks for the idea derek. Only thing is if I did that I'm still in the same room with him which gives me a lot of mixed feelings.

I still love him and I'm trying to hang in there, but I've already starting to feel the change. Its almost been a month now, how long is long enough to say "its time to move on?"

MidnightSun

Tight hugs , my friend, I agree with all the comments. I too have lost so many friends simply because "it's too hard" to try to commnicate with me and I gotta tell ya I speak perfectly and lip read really well. I know your heart is broken for the loss of something you wanted to work so bad. But the comments you got are right on..you can not let yourself be made to think you are something other then what you appear to be to me, a kind and generous, supportive and caring young woman. 1st suggestion you two can not live together or in the same room, he is dealing with his own demons now and pain makes ppl do terrible things. Please take off the "pretending" glasses the ones that tell you, you can do this and he will come to his senses and all will be well .Look at the reality of things before you lose yourself. There comes a time when you must make the hard choices in life, your looking at that now. If you can have a friendship from a distance great, but don't push that. Take a deep breath, and remember who you are, strong,kind and you need to regain your independence.
I feel the pain in your words, I do, and the struggle to do what's right..but do what's right for you now. It is not selfish..it is survival. I will included you in my meditations that you gain the wisdom and strength to move away from this situation before you are changed in a way that will affect you forever..
Many Blessings, you deserve to be respected and Loved...Midnight♥♥♥

ladysolitary85

To update you guys,I'm doing so-so at the moment... apparently he admitted to me that he was just pushing me away because hes hurting inside about his health (kidneys failure), and now hes trying to get me back....But now all I see is him wanting to take take take take and not give back. I am not an object, I'm a person.

He still tells me how I'm not listening.... and is seeing a shrink about his anger issues...

But honestly, I've got my guard up still. If he can't get his anger under control and realizes that I am HOH and thats who I am, then we aren't going to work out.

Smithtr

I understand not easy emotional because lovers spend to him!

you feeling hurt because upset and sad emotional, cause situation personal

my personal I did broken on my ex gf is very lose feeling me I was hurting sad pretty sound notice her lie not trust,

hard to feeling sometimes woman is whinning on dumping boyfriend

it is happened not easy!

Smithtr

*bump serious he not good angry emotion control! you are right to protect, I can help you advise to encourage to you tutorial! it figure out see find out watch out him!

Bottesini

I think you should cut him a little slack when he is in fear for his life. When you get some really terrible blow that has a major impact on your life, it isn't really easy to be a nurturer.

I think you need to be a bit patient, and since he is getting therapy, he is already going in the right direction.

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whatdidyousay!

No one should be getting up set with you for being HOH I do not care how sick they are! Are you seeing anyone for yourself , take care of yourself and I would talk to the landlord and see if you can get another room in case your guy decide to move out . I am sorry to hear you're having a hard time Do have any friends you could stay with for few days so you will have a quite place to decide what you want to do. You do not deserved to be treated this way. Take care of # one and that is you!

ladysolitary85

That's what I'm trying to do, I'm trying to cut him slack... except last night he told me "like me I didn't take care of myself and look where it got me.... you waited 10 yrs to get a hearing aid and your going deaf because of it" That hurt.

I'm just trying to keep my shield up.

Bottesini

That's just ignorant. You shouldn't take it seriously. Get your problem diagnosed and then you can explain it to yourself and him.

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ladysolitary85

Thats what I'm trying to do and he knows that. Its irritating that he thinks I can simply control what I hear.

whatdidyousay!

WOW ! That is really ignorant! Wearing a HA does not keep you from losing more hearing! I know I should not being say this but in a way I think it good you found out how your guy really feel before you both got married! I think it would be a good time reevaluate your relationship with your guy , it sound like he has some hidden issues !

rockin'robin

People can and do say hurful things out of anger...especially when they are sick or not feeling well....myself included....

I've learned to let it roll off, don't take it so personally...but in your case, it's about your hearing....I do consider that a "low blow"...and would tell him so. Guess he is trying to find something to hurt you, and your hearing is just that......I would "tune him out"...give him the cold shoulder for awhile. Let him figure out why....If 2 people can't get along without insulting each other, or putting each other down all the time....it's not a happy relationship....If this continued on and on....I would walk out. He needs counselling, maybe urself included.....

Smithtr

be careful you don't be harassment to him! be careful on him situation pretty emotion stress!
I expect to you control emotion and sad to situation her!

otherwise cut on the him leave stay awhile better patient!
I did experience bother my gf is very hurt said leave me alone 4 o 6 days or depend on her feeling better

I tell you advise to you
relationship or friendship I am not sure difficult to experience relationship I can't bother on my gf, I respect to my gf is very busy or something I said of course she is very patient told me I was tell mistake apologized to pick up her, she stress cut on my emotion!
I experience lots of patient! I Know hard to my emotion and upset!

shel90

Hang in there...everyone had great advice. Hope all works out well.

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Smithtr

AD supportive help encourage to discuss expect to wise help advise to tutorial explain to how role improve! I hope be hear news happened I can support to Advocate I am encourage to friends or communication!

ladysolitary85

Well guys I have some news.... he finally came out and apologized and is working on seeing a shrink soon. At least he understands he has anger issues and needs to take care of them before they become worse.

So we talked it out a bit, still a little awkward for me keeping my guard up....

That was until he wanted to go back to the jewelry store... to get my ring resized (since I can't wear it right now). Well, after all the talks with the jeweler saying how it no longer has the free resizing warranty on it, He just looked at me and said "well, want to get an upgrade?"

I was like seriously????

Ever felt like a kid in a candy store?

I'll have to wait 5 months to get it because of the payment plan hes under but it is very pretty

So I'm thinking, if hes willing to outright buy another ring for me, he must be serious about being sorry and wanting us to work out.

BUT even though things are ok for now, he still needs to be nice when he talks to me. I don't reward bad behavior :p

penny for everyones thoughts? Think its safe to let my guard down a little?

Bottesini

I think he is showing you his good intentions and I would try to work with him.

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ladysolitary85

Samuels Jewelers | Unique fine jewelry-diamonds, rings, earrings, necklaces, watches and bridal

it'll be like this but the small diamond on the side will have a emerald in it (his birthstone) so it'll be like diamond, emerald, diamond, diamond, diamond, emerald, diamond.

Phillips

I am sorry and hang in there as well!

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Smithtr

I tell you tell truth difficult my gf I picked up bother ,but I respect my gf is very don't want to annoy otherwise i think so might to not easy emotion and my life! I know! not easy hard tough!

whatdidyousay!

That is a good start that he admitted to having anger issues. I think is would be good go to the shrink with him after after he been going for awhile. You're the only one that will know when it ok to let your guard down a little. Everyone react in their own way and what work for one person might not work for you. I wish you the best of luck and hope things will work out the way you want it to.

javwara

Dear ladysolitary85,
Take a trip to my part of the earth. See real life troubles folks are facing and overcoming here and you will never sulk again in your life time on earth.

Go on a volunteer program where you can touch the life of those who are facing life hard; go give of yourself and life will reward you with your heart's desire.

You are a great woman waiting to be unfolded!

GO SPREAD YOUR LOVE AROUND GIRL!!!